kyatheart Posted February 26, 2013 Hello, I am new to Tao. I am very much still learning and absorbing everything. I have a question to ask though and need to explain briefly on the situation...  I was abused physically and mentally growing up. I have long since forgiven but have not forgotten everything and worked through many scars... My dad passed away last year and now my mom is increasingly becoming co dependent on me and trying to again control my life.. Over the past almost 30 years I have tried to just not be near any of my family members as much as possible..but now my mom is around all the time and i feel very uneasy and stressed.. I am still learning.. but i do not know if i can still keep avoiding these people to stay peaceful or is there any insight anyone can give me to help me...  Thank You!  Brenda  Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Basher Posted February 26, 2013 Brenda, welcome to the Tao Bums. Â I believe that we are all "relatively" new to the Tao, some are just a little further along the Path. That said, the Tao is ageless, we are all a tiny part of it and we all have to walk our own path anyhow. Nobody else can do it for us. Â There are some good "Bums" on here that I'm sure would be able to offer you some better advice. All I can think of at the moment, is the old cliche. Time is a great healer, but some wounds run too deep and won't heal by themselves. Â I'm sure that you've probably already tried this, but just in case you haven't. Have you thought of getting some help to deal with your traumatic experiences ? As sometimes just talking with a counseller, face to face, helps you to cope with things. Â Is your Mother simply lost & lonely without your Dad ? Or is she really interfering & trying to control you and your life? Is anyone in your Family being supportive to you ? If so, could they help in any way? Â If your Family come around unannounced & things are too much for you. I'd suggest that you take up a hobby, tai chi, painting, etc. Anything that you'd like to do or learn, that gets you out of the house. That way the next time they pop over, you'll simply be out enjoying yourself! Â Lao Tzu said: Â If you are depressed, you are living in the Past. If you are anxious, you are living in the Future. If you are at peace, you are living in the Present. Â Â Wishing you all the best. Basher 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rara Posted February 26, 2013 Hey Brenda,  I'm new to this forum too so thought I'd post to try and make a bit more of my introduction. I too suffer from mental scars, not so much physical, but to reinforce a few things Basher said here, I took up a martial art to help distract me from such things. I moved away and I also meditate daily if I can. This way, I get the right amount of freedom that I need, but can still love my family from afar and visit them/vice versa at appropriate times. Just one thing to be mindful of...just don't become too obsessed with any new thing you pick up. I'm criminal for this and going from one extreme to another is equally as sabotaging Keep a good balance, and you should cope just fine  Dave Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kyatheart Posted February 26, 2013 Basher, Hello. to answer a few of the questions. I had been through counseling for a year. In my situation, my counselors actually told me to cut them out of life completely. I however didn't feel right about that and so I choose to just stay away as much as possible. And she is both lonely and controlling. At the moment she is living with us until her sale of her house happens, then she will find a new house to live in in my city. Her being here is just hindering everything I have been working towards for peace. I appreciate all your words Thanks, Brenda Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kyatheart Posted February 26, 2013 Dave, Thank you so much for letting me know I wasn't alone in my feelings. And thats funny, I was just looking into a martial arts class and was going to start as soon as I have a vehicle again. I understand on the obsession part and will try not to do so, but i think its because people like us want peace so much that we are willing to go to the extreme to get as soon as possible. I will try to focus on what my balance is and keep going Thanks so much! Brenda Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Birch Posted February 26, 2013 Welcome! Â IME there are many practices that deal with 'undoing' conditioning. You will also find lots of suggestions on here for practices that concern healing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Harmonious Emptiness Posted February 26, 2013 Hi kyatheart, Â Your situation reminded a bit of the book Coyote Wisdom by Mehl-Madrona, a Native American shaman and Western medical doctor. He has a few great books. In this one he talks about using Native American stories to help heal. Â One of the main points he makes is that the early stories involved people who selfishly stole the sun and the other animals had to steal it back. This often happens in life, he explains, that we need to steal back what is rightfully ours, such as the right to love and respect ourselves, to live the life we want to live, to grow as a person, and to be joyful and loving with others. Â I hope you find the way through this, and that you both benefit in the end. Â Â Dan Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kyatheart Posted February 26, 2013 Thank you Dan, i  have put it on hold for the library I just finished reading Nature's Way and Mother Earth Spirituality also Am thankful for finding this group and you all.  Brenda Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Harmonious Emptiness Posted February 26, 2013 Nice! i first learned about Mehl-Madrona from my local library too, which had "Coyote Medicine" a different book, more autobiographical. Then someone here, Konchug Uma, who spent a bit of time with him, told me about "Coyote Wisdom." Â Welcome! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spotless Posted February 27, 2013 (edited) I would suggest Qi Gong. Â You will progress quickly and it will distribute your energy to areas where you have vacated. It will also provide much needed vitality. Â You may also wish to view your birth agreements with your parents as contracts that have ended. You may find it helpful to write up a note stating the contract, thanking them for the experience and the group creation of your vessel. Officially date the end of the contract - then burn it. As it burns let any remaining energy of the original agreement to be completed. Â Start calling your mother by her first name. Â When she moves out - limit future visits to places outside your home or hers. (if you choose to continue to exchange with her) Â If she has to stay at your home for awhile - create a schedule where she is expected to be gone from the house. She can go to a movie or take up walking. Make it for at least several hours - particularly on weekends. If she has some good friends - have her stay at one of them for at least one day a week, If she is selling her home - she can still go there and sit. Â This is not warm and fuzzy but if she is a sidewinder then you need to extricate her from your head. Edited February 27, 2013 by Spotless 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kyatheart Posted February 27, 2013 Spotless, Â Thank You so much. Just reading what you wrote has relieved me immensely! I will do what I can to move forward! Â I was over thinking some of the verses of Tao Te Ching and starting to get really frustrated inside because of my situation. Â Still learning but knowing that I can do this has set me free again! THANK YOU! Â Do you know of any good videos for Qi Gong? I have been calling all the martial arts nearby in my city and there is no one who teaches it here that I have found. Â Â Thank you so much! Â Brenda Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Birch Posted February 27, 2013 "Start calling your mother by her first name". Â Â Â Spotless, this jumped out at me. When I tried doing it (many years ago) she refused and made a huge deal and got my father involved in insisting I call her 'Mom' out of 'respect'. That me calling her by her first name was not respectful. It always struck me as strange and frustrating. I now have an idea about why they were so insistent but I'd love your take on it. Â Â Brenda, I have a 'difficult' (to put it mildly) relationship with my mother as well. Qi-gong has helped immensely:-) Â Edit:line breaks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
3bob Posted February 28, 2013 maybe some hatha yoga in the meantime, most towns have some type of it going on... Â Om Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spotless Posted February 28, 2013 3Bob suggested looking into Hatha Yoga - not a bad idea - .he is correct - most towns should have this - YMCA etc  What town are you in?  I do not have any video suggestions at the present time unfortunately Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RiverSnake Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) You will find that there are many different types of qigong that people talk about on the forum. Just do a search and I am sure you will find people in the discussion forum whom have asked the same question. Edited February 28, 2013 by OldGreen Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kyatheart Posted February 28, 2013 Spotless,  I am in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I did a search and found a teacher on some master list. I have emailed him but have not heard back yet.  Most of the yoga around here is Prana Yoga. I will keep searching  Thank you so much for you assistance!  Brenda Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
