i think i experienced unity through drugs, among other things

[Flolfolil]

i had an extremely powerful experience the other night. more out of touch with reality as i know it than i have ever been. i couldn't tell the difference between my boyfriend and myself, thought i was in his body. saw him mirroring all of my movements and speaking the same words at the same time. i was stuck in a loop like that for an hour thinking i would never get out of it

then he was laying down, and i tried to see if he was breathing and i couldn't tell

honestly i was really scared. i have never felt this way before
it was probably scary because it happened because of drugs and not meditation or something like that

i felt as if he would instantly know all of my thoughts because we were the same
that kinda freaked me out

i didn't have many thoughts other than a sense of fear and confusion

it was more intense than anything. i don't know what to think about it other than be in awe

i never understood what people meant by being as one, and i didn't even consider that as what it was until someone(NAJA) told me that's what it was

though this was more intense than anything i have ever felt before, i only tend to have spiritual experiences like this with josh. i never felt one with the universe, it was completely about us

 

i forgot i was on a drug. i even forgot that i existed.

later on it the night, i had another powerful experience. i thought if i meditated "hard" enough while focusing on my pelvis area that my penis would transform into a vagina. it was extremely sexual. josh went on a walk and i thought about becoming perfectly yin so that he would have a cool yang adventure outside. then i started having the genital transformation ideas
and i kept thinking about having sex with him with my new vagina when he got back

also, before i took a larger redose of the drug i was on, i found it incredibly easy to astral project. i could feel myself in tons of places, though not at once

Edited March 17, 2013 by Flolfolil

[WillingToListen]

That's cool ^__^, I've read about similar eperiences.

 

Did you notice any lasting effects from the experience?

 

Astral projection is something I wish to master.

[Owledge]

Yeah, with drugs the problems can be that th transformation was forced on your mind, thus your mind won't have an easy time to handle it. From personal experience: You experience unity with the universe and the mind still works like "I am this", still tries to identify with something that is bigger than itself.

Maybe it helps to remind oneself that since it's a drug trip, it will end forcibly, but for me that didn't work for several reasons. First, I didn't have much experience. Second, I thought I had messed up my brain irreversibly.

You mentioned you forgot that you are on a drug, so that would be another possible problem in that state.

 

I don't know what you took, but with DMT for example it might be not a bad idea to spell out in your mind all the 'silly and limited' thoughts and then let the experience slap you in the face. Maybe being caught off-guard is vital for spiritual progress, because a state of being prepared is the mind's desire for control, and that is what is to be deconstructed/weakened. I did two trips on two days, the first day I got stuck at a certain vision, and the next day I wanted to do better, and had an expectation to continue where I stopped the former day, and I did, but it took unusually long for the DMT to have any effect because expectation was blocking anything from happening.

 

Your sexual perceptions can mean various things, but sounds like you are on a path of self-exploration. Is there any chance that you are one of those people who feel 'trapped' in the body of the opposite sex? Or do you think your experience stemmed more from your desire to be an adequate partner for Josh?

It might be regarded as politically incorrect (so who cares? haha), but homosexuality might be a phenomenon of early childhood experiences much like many other profoundly traumatizing forms of emotional/mental pain. There are many fascinating clues that hint to that.

There probably are dozens of potential reasons/causes, and if that's not confusing enough, you'd have to first figure out which parts of your Self you want to change and which you want to keep as attachment.

 

About stuck in a loop: As I hinted at, the only way out might be the way through. I was in time loops or timeless states and the time would not progress one second as long as I resisted a specific obstacle that I couldn't name or describe. But once I stopped resisting, I made some temporal progress. I think I acually (emotionally) gave in to the idea of not returning to normality, and that might have been the decision to not return to my old self, but to make progress in changing. I'd love to make things less scary for you, but despair might be necessary for the healing process, for despair represents giving in, not resisting a certain reality anymore.

Part of me wishes I had overcome a huge barrier during several of my trips, but although a voice talked to me, there was no trust, no idea where that voice belonged to, so nothing gave me the confidence that I'd be alright and NOT messing up my brain. My experiences were way too abstract for my taste and I remember deciding to forget a whole bunch of stuff (seeing 'everything' was a bit too much for me, haha). So little useful to take away from it, although I think it changed me on an unconscious level in a profound way. An unconscious program running in my psyche based on the absolute knowledge that death really means very little and that once you see 'the other side', you could laugh at the absurdity of the fear of death. Of course your normal everyday mind-personality would NOT agree, and that's fine. It's part of the game.

 

Oh, one more tip: When using entheogens it is recommended to not have psychological disorders, like being very paranoid or something, because during the trip you are accessing your unconscious belief systems and might assume they are the absolute truth. It can amplify whatever is deep inside of you. Habitually being sincere to yourself and not too attached to belief systems of any kind might be helpful. ... Then again ... maybe not, haha. You choose!

[Flolfolil]

i did come out of it by accepting it and giving up, then it ended in minutes (maybe seconds? time is screwy on this substance)

 

no i am not a trans or anything of the sort, until i talked to NAJA the very idea of it kinda made me uncomfortable to be honest.

 

no real lasting effects other than being awe inspired and a strong desire to experience it again, whether it be with or without drugs. Though i'm not addicted and i wont be doing it again for a while before i have time to think about it A LOT

[Owledge]

Yeah, it's funny. My mind is still striving for healing and thus desires to have another experience, but once I have it, my mind goes FFFFFUUUUUUUUCK, never again!

 

People who enjoy Tunnel of Horror at the faire probably don't have this problem so much.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Owledge

[Protector]

DAMMIT, STOP MAKING ME WANT TO TAKE DRUGS

 

kidding kidding

[Flolfolil]

i love freaky stuff lol. i would take methoxetamine in the tunnel of horror. i may even call it that from now on

[Owledge]

Ayahuasca's native nickname is "the vine of death". Just sayin'.

[Flolfolil]

Okay so some weird stuff happening now:

 

i felt the unity, seeing myself in others all afternoon - with tons of people. i freaked out again. i saw my fear in almost everyone i looked at

 

i have also been getting massive surges of creativity, and have been coming up with jokes really easily.

 

i think i might be having K activity, which i find weird because the last time i did i had head pressure and hallucinated. This is not the same at all...

 

 

after a lot of stress, i made myself invisible (yes, i believe i can do this) and manifested finding someones half smoked blunt to calm myself down. weird freaking day :/

 

 

So yeah, i take back what i said about no lasting effects....

[Flolfolil]

i don't know if i will be able to function in society at all if i can't control when and where this happens to me o.o;;;

[Owledge]

Just don't anything for a while and see how fast it settles down. Lasting effect should, of course, be of healing nature, not confusion and messyness. Try to make decisions about which phenonmena you would like to keep (like the creativity thing) and sort out the rest. Freaking out, being afraid and worried, might even help in this process.

 

Personally, I had trippy dreams after some ayahuasca ceremonies and tried to get as much grounding as possible after it. Felt like a window had been opened and the closing after the trip was slow. Might depend on how much you allow it to happen.

 

Dunno, just random thoughts. Maybe you can only get rid of the troubling stuff by letting go of the good stuff. Maybe in order to grow spiritually in a positive way, you have to open yourself to the troubling stuff and lose your fear of that. Maybe then the confusing perceptions will vanish too, or be integrated in a non-problematic way.

Edited March 19, 2013 by Owledge

[hydrogen]

i don't know if i will be able to function in society at all if i can't control when and where this happens to me o.o;;;

 

Did this happen to you without taking any drugs? It seems to me no drugs, no "this happening".

 

I'm not suggesting you not to take the drug or encouraging you take it again. It's your body, your life and your choice.

 

I just want to point out that you're still in control of this particular situation. Everything will be fine.

[Flolfolil]

it first happened with drugs, and it was like a switch has been flipped on. the second time was totally sober.

 

i meant idk how to respond when it just starts happening drug free. i can control myself enough not to constantly do drugs lol

[oildrops]

Sometimes after doing one thing, other things that are more commonly done become much, much more intense. Also certain brain chemistry can become erratic for a while, especially after a long one (re-upping). I would suggest taking a short break, get some st johns wort and exercise if serotonin is an issue. And get plenty of sleep. I don't know what you took, but there is some general advice.

[Flolfolil]

Sometimes after doing one thing, other things that are more commonly done become much, much more intense

 

 

This describes my life perfectly right now. all my emotions and thoughts are just flowing out of me like trying to hold water with my hands. Some really low lows....but i think for the first time not just a few minutes ago, that just saying "all is one" made me feel so much better. It has never done anything for me until just now.

Edited March 20, 2013 by Flolfolil

[Flolfolil]

i told my mom about the unity experiences, and even though she knows about my drug use she didn't ask if i was on drugs when i experienced it. Then we talked about god together. It was nice

[Flolfolil]

can a mod please move this to my personal practice forum? i feel like i will post in this for a long time and i don't want to bug everyone every time i have a thought. lol

[Flolfolil]

aww, it isn't possible to move all the replies too? o.o was kinda hoping for that....