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[Flolfolil]

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Edited March 6, 2015 by Flolfolil

[Flolfolil]

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Edited March 6, 2015 by Flolfolil

[zanshin]

some content

Edited April 19, 2020 by zanshin

[Birch]

It might be that the solution doesn't fit with what they think the solution is.

Some people are also looking for care and kindness and someone to listen.

Do you want me to suggest something to you?

[Flolfolil]

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Edited March 6, 2015 by Flolfolil

[Flolfolil]

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Edited March 6, 2015 by Flolfolil

[Birch]

The problem = "hey dude my leg is so messed up i might be fired from my job because i can't walk. I went to the doctor and got some drugs that help with pain but they aren't working"

My solution = "maybe you should try stretching or some form of super gentle exercise"

Their response = totally ignoring that i said that

 

Yes i would like you to suggest something Go right ahead!

You're going to laugh (maybe:-)) but I would just suggest to listen to what their complaint is, and then ask the person 'Do you want me to suggest something?'. You can offer your level of expertise too. In the above, 'Do you want me to suggest something? I'm not a doctor' (this only works if you're NOT a doctor;-))

 

Chances are, they might admit to 'thanks man, I just needed to vent'.

 

Being the person people are always venting to is a different issue. Also seems from your following post that you're relying on them for friendship. I could suggest something. But I'm not a counsellor;-)

 

So I'll just share from my experience of it. I'll assume for expediency and typing you want to hear it but IRL I would still make sure you want to hear it.

 

I don't care if people don't take my advice - anymore. I did use to care, a LOT because I thought showing them I cared would get them to care about me...and other weird ideas.

[Flolfolil]

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Edited March 6, 2015 by Flolfolil

[Flolfolil]

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Edited March 6, 2015 by Flolfolil

[zerostao]

Tons of people in my life (some excluded of course, they know who they are) do nothing but complain to me about their problems but when i offer help they basically laugh at me or just flat out ignore me. Why feel bad about something but not do something about it? i just don't get it....

and this very thing happens right here on TTB all the time.

i dont get it either, but it doesnt matter

maybe they are just venting idk

[Birch]

Would it be mean to just tell her "hey, i like being blissfully ignorant of the problems in the trailer park and it upsets me when you talk about them, so please just stop." ???

 

i know people sell weed, i know people smoke meth, i know people steal shopping carts and sell the scrap metal for meth. i don't really care. i care when she starts saying things like "this whole trailer park is going DOWN, one day the cops are gunna swoop in here and arrest everyone" She thinks i should be worried about the police because i occasionally smoke pot. i'm not worried, i just don't like her trying to force her fear on me

I don't know about mean, do you want to know what I think? i wonder if she's really asking you to do something, or just listen? I wonder if it would be true to reply 'I've thought about what you've told me about the park and I really haven't got a solution to all of the problems but how can I help you?' You might not want to help.

Or 'Thanks for your concern about me. I can deal with it'.

[Flolfolil]

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Edited March 6, 2015 by Flolfolil

[Birch]

i have this weird thing where i feel like if i can help people i "should" even though i don't personally like the word "should"

 

i want to care without "caring". Would that be just offering support but not caring about the outcome? This is very confusing to me....

It's a good question. I think sometimes I thought I could help more than I actually could. If that makes sense?

How much of the outcome are you responsible for? Some people here would say 'all of it' without a doubt. I don't know about that. I'm sure other bums know better than me.

[zanshin]

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Edited April 19, 2020 by zanshin

[zerostao]

personal discovery is a wonderful thing but from my view the ones that complain are not the ones who discover personal discovery

[Birch]

That's a good one IMO Zanshin, works great if you've already given the person what they wanted to start with (like a sympathetic ear). IMO. Otherwise I can see it being not very welcome if you just open with it. It's like that 'typical' office boss to whom you bring an issue and the first thing they say is 'So (name here) what's YOUR solution?'.

 

haha

[zanshin]

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Edited April 19, 2020 by zanshin

[Flolfolil]

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Edited March 6, 2015 by Flolfolil

[Birch]

But this is a very reasonable question to ask. When a person has a "problem", what they really have is a preference that something be done differently. If a person has only gone far enough to determine that they do not like the way something is being done now, and made no effort to identify a better way to do the thing, then it is probably not very important to that person. In that case, maybe all they need to do is vent, which is great as long as it is not the norm. Why would you think that a person in authority should be the one to come up with a solution to something that is bothering you if you have not taken the time to think of possible solutions?

 

That is the precise reason that when someone becomes a chronic complainer to me I start to ask them how they think it should be done. If they can express a preference that does not create "problems" for other people then it should not be hard to reach resolution. If they just want to complain they tend to take it to someone else and then they are not my problem.

I disagree with you on a few counts Viator. I'm not sure where the issue of 'authority' comes into it but it does seem to in your example. I reckon there's a lot hidden under that rock:-)

 

Anyway, to cut to my main point. Some problems require more definition and not less before one can get near a solution.

[Birch]

Haha.

 

Edit: I feel I should qualify. I hold the 'typical office boss' as no model whatsoever for no decent, nor helpful human conduct. The 'typical office boss' is my symbolic trashcan of all that is rubbish.

 

Maybe it would help to illustrate if I post a video from 'The Office'.

 

This works.

 

[Flolfolil]

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Edited March 6, 2015 by Flolfolil

[xor]

Tons of people in my life (some excluded of course, they know who they are) do nothing but complain to me about their problems but when i offer help they basically laugh at me or just flat out ignore me. Why feel bad about something but not do something about it? i just don't get it....

You're not alone in thinking this. Some people will tell you they would rather die than solve their problems.