Okay. I'd really like to start living again. :(

[WillingToListen]

Let's get serious here. How did you experience the Kundalini energy rising? Was it drug induced? I can't not see how you can whine about your life for not having a job, not having money, not having a girlfriend, and not having any creativity left when you claim you did experience the kundalini energy. For most people, the experience is very sublime and metaphysical. It is basically a sign post telling you that your life has a path, a spiritual higher path. For all the suffering and pain you have gone through, you are on the right path. For some silly reason, you aren't seeing this meaning. Instead, you are whining about why life wasn't the way it used to be.

I was praying a lot (praying to be able to help others), then I smoked weed one day. It happened.

Yea it was marijuana induced, so does that mean i'm making all of this up then?

 

I'm very upset with life right now because I literally don't have any means of sustaining myself outside of my parents help. My parents are going to lose our home pretty soon, I WILL HAVE NOTHING.

That's why.

My writing is the only thing I've ever taken seriously, it was my "go-to" since elementary school- Writing is my only passion.

Without my writing I have no other interests, as I've parted with most of my materialistic ways.

Some of those things I listed are necessary to live within this society, and I don't have them.

 

What silly reason? The fact that my life has gone to shit??

 

I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT A PATH, ITS DONE NOTHING BUT DESTROY MY LIFE AND MAKE ME THIS SOULLESS INSIGHTFUL SHELL OF A HUMAN.

 

Im fucking 24, I was in jail in my early 20s, I tried getting back on track the next couple years and now I'm dealing with this bullshit. Where the fuck are the best years of my life, wheres my college parties, wheres my nightlife, wheres my romantic evenings, where is everything.

 

"The way" is fucking ancient. What good is it within todays society in america? NONE.

 

"The way" is only going to complicate my life here with unecessary frills that make me question my own sanity.

 

A high spiritual path has no place here, trying to entertain it while living in this city is literally cognitive dissonance.

 

I would eventually go crazy, I'v realized that. So why the fuck would I continue?

 

I want nothing to do with it and I wish it never happened. I wish I was just a promiscuous fucking idiot.

 

Yea I'm whining because honestly your logic is completely fucking irrational.

 

 

I'll stop now i'm making the birds angry.

[konchog uma]

having nothing is a great place from which to start an adventure or take a quantum leap into a new phase of your life. And not just because you have nothing to lose, but that does play a large part.

 

i too have been where you describe yourself to be, everything is transitory and moves in cycles, including human suffering.

 

i hope you can keep your mind open to the possibilities of life, because nobody is ever without possibilities. Even if something radical happens, like you have to put your clothes in a pack and strap on a sleeping bag and head to more fertile ground by hitchhiking or other means, that is a hard path, but can be very educational and exhilarating. Many people have hit the west coast of america in the same condition and made their way from there via social services and the help of others. (Take a tarp, its better than a tent for rain.)

 

When doors in life close, opportunity is not far away. I do hope you can stay open to the lessons and opportunities which are presenting themselves, and that you can weather this storm with as much dignity as possible.

 

blessings to you

[Guest pix58]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through but it will pass, trouble is it is often only with hindsight that you will see the reasons for it all but you are going through transformation and tests. Please have faith and try to meditate daily with a lit candle it may help you get things into perspective more. Also go and take some walks in a good place full of nature and clear skies, breathe in the energies to help you cope with this time of personal trauma and to re-energize.

I wish you well, have strength and hope.

[skydog]

Some more thoughts coming to mind

 

Root Chakra and 2nd chakra, 3rd chakra etc etc etc is about things like safety, feeling stable, feeling at home, feling powerful, sexual energy, creativity, passion

 

I was doing stillness movement for 5 months ish I had lots of creativity then. Only thing is Paying attention to lower dan tien I wouldnt obtain blissful, empty high states of mind so easily, I would also feel grumpy and tense. Now I know that is partly to do with past life memories where my feelings of being safe, belonging, struggle where extremely messed up, feeling suicidal etc. I also felt like this "focus" was very different to letting go, and this ground energy was of a different quality to heavenly energy and in many ways I liked the heavenly energy. Recently I found it very important to stay grounded otherwise Im gonna explode/fly away somewhere etc.

 

So my point is your lower chakras are in need of work, and your in need of grounding which will help all those things like feeling safe, stable, powerful, belonging, sexual energy (also creativity is the same energy)

 

This can be done in manyw ays experiment and find what works for you you can try stillness movement, horse stance, spontaneous movements/dance/animal movements etc AND AND heal the issues, the past life memories, the current life memories, the stuff from ancestors which is making your issues with the lower chakras difficult. The cellular memories and trauma IMO lives in a place or dimension for ever and will always contribute to how you feel and meditation, exercise can cover up the pain temporarily but not forever so memory healing, yuen method, healing codes, eft matix reimprinting etc etc. Also another thing might like for grounding stay in the body and bagua etc etc.

 

WHen you start to feel passionate, powerful, belonging, safe etc you will attract more of that like law of attraction.

 

I am writing this because Ive been sharing the same struggles, and can relate.

 

Oh yeh and talking about things/concepts may be useful but most useful is removing the feelings, the energy or making decisions or taking action etc.

Edited March 30, 2013 by sinansencer

[skydog]

Oh and personally I know 95% of people dont agree with me but Im sharing my opinion, forget conventional work, that tends to make me fucking insane and hateful. People like you shouldnt be in certain environments, it is just my opinion, feel free to ignore etc. If you want owmake moeny do something unstressufl im trying a security guard etc on top of creativty. the post I made about highly sensitive person (which I guess would be you) would indicate that procesisng too much is very damaging to your sense of peace, doing too many tasks at once, dealing with constant pressure, rules and obeying others will destroy creativity imo.

Edited March 30, 2013 by sinansencer

[skydog]

and im on day 35 or something of no porn, I havent been paying attention to lower dan tien etc but my creativity and other issues have really just exploded to some degree. You may want to experiment , now Im of the opinion there is little/no benefit of porn/masturbation.

[estuary]

Dear WillingToListen,

 

can I ask you about your creative practice*?

 

Obviously in the past it was a life-line for you, which is good because it shows that even if you're currently in a lull, you've got the experience of having it as a life-line.

 

There's a LOT of information available online showing that creativity and depression (and other mental issues) often go hand in hand. In fact just today I came across this: Channeling Depression into a Powerful Tool for Creativity.

 

I've had major writing/creativity dry-spells - most recently about 3 months long (and maybe still going, I'm just taking it day by day). It is the hardest thing in the world to not worry in the face of that because of how existentially I relate to creativity and when I read what you've said here (and hear the anguish), I relate completely.

 

It might be helpful to think of the "assurance" you're feeling that writing is gone, and there's never going to be anything else, as the voice of your inner critic. This character neither represents the totality of reality nor has your best interests in mind. Funny enough, this character sometimes speaks depression's words verbatim. They might be one and the same a**hole, in fact.

 

You might want to take my next idea with a grain of salt as I wouldn't know a kundalini from kabeljau if one bit me in the butt, but I wonder if maybe your strong reaction to notions of "the path" should be seriously considered (without snide remarks from anyone) and from a position of some gentleness.

 

How would it feel to you to not worry at this point about awakening or spiritual "levels" or schematics and praises of "The Path" (Heaven help me for posting that here on TTB), but what if you did the simplest possible practice without any aim other than taking a moment of non-judgmental calmness? Even if you can't get calm during a 10 minute session of meditating, only part of you will be experiencing the un-calmness and another part will be observing you experiencing it. Thus the observer will be calm (sly fellow).

 

Obviously this doesn't help you with the basics of livelihood, but when you're in panic mode, the brain is incapable of accessing its other functions. Panic mode overrides lots of other options and the only thing to do is figure out what practices work for you for disengaging the alarms.

 

You're overwhelmed and you sound depleted. Be patient. Even depleted ground eventually will allow something to sprout. Silly humans call them weeds but truly nature is so brilliant to have created plants that can *only* do well in barren places.

 

-----

*I know I started this with a question about creative practice and then never really went in that direction. I'd like to go there but this post is already so long. Would you like to have that conversation?

[Protector]

Would your life really be different if you didn't have the experience you had?

The experience that changed your outlook on life, that happened inside your mind

Changed how you think and decisions you made

Your mind changed everything for the better then for the worse

You should have an idea how much influence that has on your life and you should decide what to do now yourself

You were taken on a ride but now it's time to take charge, we can't reach out there and tell you what to think, you must do that and do that soon, because your time is running out

[Mal]

The fact that my life has gone to shit??

 

I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT A PATH, ITS DONE NOTHING BUT DESTROY MY LIFE AND MAKE ME THIS SOULLESS INSIGHTFUL SHELL OF A HUMAN.

 

Im fucking 24, I was in jail in my early 20s, I tried getting back on track the next couple years and now I'm dealing with this bullshit. Where the fuck are the best years of my life, wheres my college parties, wheres my nightlife, wheres my romantic evenings, where is everything.

 

 

Willing to listen, even without a K experience, you are dealing with high stress issues over a sustained period of time i.e job loss to now - loss of housing. That often (almost always) leads to depression :-

 

In actual clinical practice, this cause of depression is seen more often than sudden loss. This type of depression creeps up on you. When this type of depression is experienced, the patient offers comments such as: "I don't know what's wrong!" "I don't know how I feel." "My feelings are numb."

 

 

While you probably won't believe this video at the moment(and that's understandable because are the moment you are NOT happy) it is correct

 

 

This is an amazing talk from ted.com:

Dan Gilbert: Why are we happy

 

Essentially the main message is that when we are given a choise, that we cannot change, we are going eventually to be more happy than if in the choise we could change the result at any time.

 

 

It also shows how most of the events that happen to us REALLY MAKE no difference to our level of happiness.

 

Now according to traditional taoism (as was teached to me), 99% of the events that happen to us do not matter, and only very few, say 1%, matters. Funny that Taoism got it right, in a topic which is so counter intuitive.

Bolds mine, quote from TTB thread Most Events that Happen to us do not Matter! An amazing talk by TED

 

A question?

Is there anything you can do to help your parents with the housing issue?

 

If there is

try it, no matter how "out there" or what you currently "feel" about it's chance of working. Just do it.

 

If there isn't

then it is not your fault, and there is NOTHING "wrong" with you feeling how you feel.

[WillingToListen]

Would your life really be different if you didn't have the experience you had?

You were taken on a ride but now it's time to take charge, we can't reach out there and tell you what to think, you must do that and do that soon, because your time is running out

Are you serious? An emphatic, yes.

 

:( :( :( :(

[WillingToListen]

I wish I could just hit a restart button.

[WillingToListen]

 

[Harmonious Emptiness]

WillingToListen,

 

Contrary to what many spiritual seekers will tell you, the path can just as easily be a bondage, especially for those who hear a few things and try to organize their life by it just because it came from some people that seemed like they knew what they were talking about.

 

If there is something that you can learn and gain from the masters of Tao and Zen, however, its to be able to be content and happy with the mundane, smile for no reason, to be calm and clear. This doesn't mean you need to be able to meditate for hours or take the problems of the world on your shoulders, or to be a master of the path. You can try to master everything you hear about paths, but as they say "to see once is better than to hear a hundred times." Forget about following everything you've heard about the path and just find contentment in YOUR life. This is not about mastering anything, even yourself, it's just having a rapport with your ability to determine how you feel about things.

 

There are techniques that help you reach this, including chi gong and meditation, but you can also just learn to let things ride and be content regardless of circumstances. People will then tell you "you need to do this and that this much at this time" but its not about following routines and plans to achieve level 4-A alpha meta that master Ulitmate Being Ever was able to accomplish - its about life, - your life*. Don't be confused and depart from that fundamental.

 

I wish you the best in your current difficulties. You could check out your local unemployment center where an agent can find you a free program that will develop career skills and/or find temporary employment. The inertia of unemployment can be tough to overcome, so start there and get on the wagon.

 

Hè

[WillingToListen]

I'd like to apologize to everyone on this forum for putting out so much negative energy here. I'm just at a loss currently. I could just not say anything and internalize as I've done in years past but it hurts, a lot. I felt like if I typed it, it would be like speaking with someone- to an extent it has been. I no longer have the luxury of speaking with a therapist, given my current fiscal standing. I don't know. It feels like I'm in jail again but I realize I'm not so it feels worse?

I feel like and hourglass, except instead of the sand collecting in the lower cavity it just spills out into wind.

No one tells younger people how hard life is, even if they know- that isn't fair.

 

I was so happy.

 

When it first hit, I could do so much. My sense were up, I was learning so many things about the world around me- rolling epiphanies. I could tell what people wanted and I could give it to them. I was volunteering multiple times a week and I was writing papers on ways people could help each other/themselves, aswell as remedies to societal ills. So many people seemed to just gravitate towards me. Many asked me for advice and I often had concise 'universal' answers. I worried very little.

 

Then it was gone one day.

 

I'm not sure where the line of demarcation was, but the tide began rolling back out. Slowly, I began to lose everything. My happiness disolved. I still had the 'rolling epiphanies' except they began to grow darker and darker. My social life crumbled. I went into extreme isolation- I was isolated before but I still had friends. My perception began closing into a fist and the things I'd witnessed seemed but a dream. Everything is gone.

 

The animals are still so responsive, it makes me sad that I can't help but to ignore them.

 

 

I feel so empty, but it's colored with this infinite logical sadness.

 

 

I lost myself at some point, my passion for life, my passions for things I loved/loved doing.

 

 

My parents know I've regressed, it's in their inflections/movements- it makes me cry.

 

I'm sorry everyone. I really am. I wish none of this ever happened.

 

I just want to be me again, I don't care how selfish/egotistical that sentiment may resonate with many hear.

I was so selfless and giving for what seemed like a long period, now I just want to be myself again.

 

Sorry

[Harmonious Emptiness]

Something that makes being young difficult is the drastic changes that go on. Great highs lead to painful mediums and great lows lead to pleasurable mediums which then become great highs resulting in painful mediums again.

 

This is why its important to be able to live in the center, in the middle. People struggling with sadness often grasp for joy or pleasure but miss out on medium, thinking there can only be high or low.

 

This is why Eastern (and western philosophers in a different way) talked about emotional equilibrium. Water is clear when it's not stirred up. People are the same. When you're just doing the laundry (for example), your not high or low, you're just clear. This clarity is not a bad thing. It's where we return to when we're not stirred up. Its okay to get stirred up, but you should enjoy clarity as much as any other state without getting stirred up by pleasure, anger, sorrow, or joy.

 

At times, pleasure, anger, sorrow, and joy, are good and necessary, but its important to be able to choose clarity. Prevailing philosophies push people to be joyful and experience pleasure as though life is wasted when they are not present. This is false. One has to be able to revert to clarity.

 

Remember these 4 emotions and learn to be without them so that you can find equilibrium. There is clarity in the absence of these emotions. You need to know this - that it is not a wanting void. The wanting void is seeking pleasure or joy, or maybe even sorrow or anger. Learn to be at peace without any of these. When they stir in harmonious degrees, that's all good; it's not a problem. But learn to appreciate the state without pleasure, anger, sorrow, or joy. This is called equilibrium.

 

As I said before, this is not something you do because the high and mighty grandson of Confucius said you need to order your life according to his prescription for it (nor saying he did, though you can read his manifesto: Doctrine of the Mean where this teaching can be found), but if you try this and see it works, then great, benefit from it for your own sake. Yes, life is challenging, this is why it's not selfish to patch your boat first, before you go out and try to save other people.

[idiot_stimpy]

Willingtolisten its time to wake up.

 

Truth or bust.

[oildrops]

I have been able to get free, or very low cost ($10 a session) counseling almost everywhere I have been, so I don't buy that you can't afford it. When you are on an internet forum you are not required to get specific about your problems, and the ways that you can make a little bit of effort toward your own happiness. Generally, a little bit of effort goes a long way. If you feel helpless, then help someone else and you'll see you are not.

Edited March 31, 2013 by oildrops

[BaguaKicksAss]

There is no need to apologize.

 

Kundalini stuff without a teacher can be difficult, and sometimes things go wrong. A few possibilities I figure; either you are going through something similar to the dark night of the soul (those are so much fun, sarcasm), or you were not physically and emotionally prepared before the kundalini stuff, not enough grounding, you hadn't cleared enough of your inner crap out before starting, or something just went wrong. For example most books really are not recommended for kundalini work... Those are my educated guesses from personal experience and seeing many folks do this sort of work and have odd things happen.

 

Also sometimes there are down periods to help spur more growth. We don't (unfortunately) tend to grow as much when things are all happy flowers and sunshine (darnit). My teachers have always told me when you are going through hell, just keep walking...

 

Someone suggested a kundalini support network, pretty awesome . Finding a good qualified teacher would be extremely helpful, and many even teach for free or trade.

 

Also someone else recommended physical activety; you have no idea how important this is! On many levels, it actually lessens depression by quite a bit (source: my university psyche teacher), as well as it helps get the energies flowing properly. Sometimes with kundalini stuff people end up with the energies flowing in ways they shouldn't. Physical activey and exercise (outdoors especially) is also very very good for grounding.

 

As far as therapy goes, each city in north america at least has free options for folks who can't afford the other options. Some therapists are pretty amazing, they can get you to find some of your core stuff quite quickly, stuff we miss ourselves at times. This helps with the whole clearing out thing.

 

Hopefully the suggestions above help in some way.

[Mandrake]

Short term solution: go crazy

 

 

Would your life really be different if you didn't have the experience you had?

The experience that changed your outlook on life, that happened inside your mind

Changed how you think and decisions you made

Your mind changed everything for the better then for the worse

You should have an idea how much influence that has on your life and you should decide what to do now yourself

You were taken on a ride but now it's time to take charge, we can't reach out there and tell you what to think, you must do that and do that soon, because your time is running out

What some absolutely vapid and irresponsible advice!

Why not go back and play with your tv-games and your cartoons. Here we have an adult man suffering and you implicate that this is some mind game.

 

WillingToListen:

Giving advice is the cheapest thing in life, but you - and no other - will pay the price for listening to it, so beware. If you can find someone who has been there and returned, great! Other people will be well-meaning, in all respect, but the advice can be dangerously incomplete.

 

As you yourself state: you want friends, a partner, job etc. This is part of being human; don't dehumanize yourself. We are constructed to socialize, to interact with others and balance hour energies that way. Perhaps maximum one in a thousand of of cultivators are developed, healthy and integrated enough to go extended periods alone; others just delude themselves, when they have interpersonal issues, phobias, and neuroses. There is so much that you can disguise as "spirituality".

 

Your rage is part of your energies wanting to find a solution, and to act toward it. I can't offer you any cheap solutions, but I feel for you, and understand the anguish in your situation.

 

May you be well man.

 

 

Mandrake

 

PS. I'll send you a PM. DS.

[Jetsun]

Desire is the root of all suffering.

 

So give up those desires...

You also have to let go of the desire to give up desires

[Jetsun]

There is a saying by Shantideva often repeated by the Dalai Lama that if you have a problem either there is a solution or there isn't; if there is a solution in the future then you can relax and give yourself a break as your problem will be resolved, and if there isn't a solution then you might as well relax, accept and let go of worrying about it as there is nothing you can do.

Edited March 31, 2013 by Jetsun

[Protector]

I'm retelling the best advice I've been ever given

 

 

 

Once upon a time there was a fortune teller walking into a village telling fortunes to people.
Some were good fortunes and some were bad, one son's fortune was the worst. His family begged the fortune teller to help with their son's fate and they offered all the money they had even though that was fate.
Then the fortune teller finally told them the secret of how to change the son's fate.

Beware your thoughts, for they will become your words
Beware your words, for they will become your actions
Beware your actions, for they will become your habits
Beware your habits, for they will seal your fate

After hearing that, the son went outside to meditate and years later he became a king.

 

Go crazy is my personal source of productivity, starting to notice that not everyone appreciates it hmm

[C T]

I'm retelling the best advice I've been ever given

 

 

 

 

Go crazy is my personal source of productivity, starting to notice that not everyone appreciates it hmm

How does telling someone else, and yourself (!!!) to 'go crazy' even align with the best advice you have been given is beyond my grasp. Lets just hope it does not become your habit, thru which all other functions, like words, thoughts and emotions get entangled in a befuddled, gooey mess.

 

Definitely not appreciated in this particular instance, but sure, there will be times when 'crazy' can have its merit.

[amoyaan]

Hey WillingToListen,

 

Sounds like you're at an immensely difficult stage. I've enjoyed reading people's advice and perspectives, there's a lot of amazing and very wise stuff here. Obviously when you're at a very low point it's hard to take on such advice, but sometimes something someone will say will pierce through the thick heavy clouds like a ray of sunlight.

 

My intuitive response? Hang in there. Surrender to the shitness...the resistance and the need to have things be more/different/better always creates a kind of resistance in us. The moment I've fully accepted the seemingly unacceptable it shifts something, and usually things begin to flow again and I just surrender to that flow. I'm in a weird transition point in my life, I think a lot of us are, I don't know how I'm gonna sustain myself in the future. But I try to snap myself out of the occasional worry/freak out moments and realise that I'm not really the one in the driver's seat, life happens through me, and it has always looked after me. It doesn't always bring me what I want, but it brings me what I need in any moment.

 

Studying vedanta has helped immensely. You need to find a good (traditional) teacher and avoid the half-baked neo advaita stuff that proliferates because I've seen that mess people up. What I learned is this: I am not the little experiencer-entity-ego-doer that I always took myself to be. I'm not my thoughts, or feelings, or beliefs, or my body, or the sum total of my life situation or circumstances. All of those are constantly changing. I am the awareness in which they arise and subside, and that awareness is ever-present and never-changing.

 

Shifting from identification with my thoughts/emotions/situations, etc, and instead identifying with that baseline awareness always helps, it transforms the way I relate to situations and to myself. It's immensely freeing. All this shit that life throws up comes and it goes. If I don't get caught up in it and identify with it, I am free of it. Doesn't mean situations won't be challenging and I won't have problems. It just means I am independent of these problems and they can't touch the changeless part of me, my Self.

 

Nisargadatta said something about the importance of realising that all this is just a passing show, and not allowing ourselves to get sucked into and swept away by it. Vedanta teaches that when we live from a place of integrity and follow our dharma or nature, and live our lives nobly and with love, life takes care of us. Even when situations seem bleak, forces will kick into play and we'll be taken care of. And it always pays to remember that no matter how bad you are feeling currently, it won't last. "No feeling is final". Hope that helps at least a little.

Edited March 31, 2013 by Dreamlight Fugitive

[Protector]

How does telling someone else, and yourself (!!!) to 'go crazy' even align with the best advice you have been given is beyond my grasp. Lets just hope it does not become your habit, thru which all other functions, like words, thoughts and emotions get entangled in a befuddled, gooey mess.

 

Definitely not appreciated in this particular instance, but sure, there will be times when 'crazy' can have its merit.

 

Yeah, I guess it's not really for everyone

By the way, by the best I meant the fortune teller story and the "would your life be any different"