Okay. I'd really like to start living again. :(

[CrunchyChocolate555]

Listen, I could spend an hour typing out some useful advice but having a good idea about your current state of mind from my own personal experience, I doubt it will be of much use to you.

 

I have gone through my own kundalini awakening (still am). I had to go through two year-long periods of deep suicidal depression during which I was rendered completely non-functional in every sense of the word. I was stuck in a perpetual thought-loop of gloom and despair and wanted nothing more than for all of it to be over with. The most enjoyable part of my days was when I was asleep, and I the thing I dreaded the most was to be awake.

 

But, it passed. I, too, thought it was going to last forever. But deep down, I knew that it wouldn't. So what did I get from it? Something immense and invaluable that you will one day realize for yourself.

 

So please, cut out this "woe is me" bullshit (I'm sorry, but it had to be said) and just accept your situation for what it is without judgment. Just ACCEPT the way you feel and ACCEPT your life without trying to frantically pull yourself out of it as if you're drowning, because you're not. One of the things I learned myself is that trying to resist it will only make it worse.

 

What it is, is a transient yin-type state that while may not be pleasant, is serving some kind of purpose in your life at this moment. Just chill, and ride it out, and observe it for what it is. It WILL morph into another state of consciousness at one point or another and trust me, it's well worth the wait.

Edited March 31, 2013 by CrunchyChocolate555

[Songtsan]

I'm retelling the best advice I've been ever given

 

 

 

 

Go crazy is my personal source of productivity, starting to notice that not everyone appreciates it hmm

 

There is actually merit in this suggestion, as I have discovered for myself. I think it needs to be expanded upon to make better sense...'go crazy' in my view was helpful because it helped me to break out of old patterns. When it feels like life has you hemmed in, when it feels like all your old ways of being produce no feelings of happiness, then 'going crazy' can unlock hidden rooms that make you feel alive again. A western psychology equivalent of this is 'catharsis': http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catharsis and an eastern equivalent might be 'crazy wisdom': http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crazy_wisdom

 

How does this work? Well if you feel blocked from feeling life with your normal ways of attaining that 'peak feeling,' then you start searching in your subconscious/unconscious for buried desires and reactions that will enable you to find peak experiences again. Kundalini facilitates this process, and in fact this may be one of the major ways that kundalini evolves us...by blocking our normal channels of emotional expression so that we have to dig deep to find out those buried parts of ourselves which we have been ignorant of. Hidden desires may be related to fantasy and simply need to be explored in the real world to free up the trapped energy that has crystallized within the trapped desire. Maybe you have a hidden desire to dance and you have never danced, or you could have some other kind of artistic expression which has been stuffed in your psyche somewhere, or maybe sexual identity or preference issues that have never come to life, or even darker aspects of yourself like hatred, envy, dark lusts, or what have you. Its important to use your wisdom facilities to know what is not a good idea to explore in the real world, one can work around that through visualization and contemplation...

 

Basically its a search for avenues that lead to passion, whether its good or bad passion...you will learn yourself and eventually transcend those desires. Its very transpersonal.

 

How does telling someone else, and yourself (!!!) to 'go crazy' even align with the best advice you have been given is beyond my grasp. Lets just hope it does not become your habit, thru which all other functions, like words, thoughts and emotions get entangled in a befuddled, gooey mess.

 

Definitely not appreciated in this particular instance, but sure, there will be times when 'crazy' can have its merit.

 

I spent almost three years in prison for going too 'crazy' I let myself go to far and now I can't even find work - I have been out for 3 months...I spent literally hundreds of hours planning my own death when I got out of prison, so yes there is a down side to allowing oneself free reign in going crazy - but sometimes one can lose all sense of caring what happens - its a 'little suicide' in itself. So only go crazy in a controlled manner. It can be useful, but it also can lead to further harm down the road. Go crazy in a wise way - 'crazy wisdom'

 

I'd like to apologize to everyone on this forum for putting out so much negative energy here. I'm just at a loss currently. I could just not say anything and internalize as I've done in years past but it hurts, a lot. I felt like if I typed it, it would be like speaking with someone- to an extent it has been. I no longer have the luxury of speaking with a therapist, given my current fiscal standing. I don't know. It feels like I'm in jail again but I realize I'm not so it feels worse?

I feel like and hourglass, except instead of the sand collecting in the lower cavity it just spills out into wind.

No one tells younger people how hard life is, even if they know- that isn't fair.

 

I was so happy.

 

When it first hit, I could do so much. My sense were up, I was learning so many things about the world around me- rolling epiphanies. I could tell what people wanted and I could give it to them. I was volunteering multiple times a week and I was writing papers on ways people could help each other/themselves, aswell as remedies to societal ills. So many people seemed to just gravitate towards me. Many asked me for advice and I often had concise 'universal' answers. I worried very little.

 

Then it was gone one day.

 

I know what it is like...like I said I just got out of prison and I was dead bent on killing myself when I got out...had an action plan in place and even experimented with bags over my head, scouting out bridges and finding out how high they were (found the perfect place to jump). My view on this is that the ends justify the means when it gets this bad, so I chose the 'better living through chemistry' route...anything to get a step up...

 

Try this visualization: imagine that for whatever reason, you have a guaranteed income of enough to support yourself without having to worry (it could be that you've won the lottery, your on disability, whatever). Convince yourself that you are safe and secure. Make it an almost meditation like focus on convincing yourself that this is real. Does that make you feel less stressed? If it does then that proves to you that your problem isn't all internal, that in fact it is also situational. Do other visualizations - imagine that you have a girlfriend, killer physique, you live where you want to live in a place you like, anything that you desire...If you prove to yourself that some of your unhappiness is due to situational characteristics, then this will at least also prove that making improvements in life will help. Start making action plans that lead to a better situation. It also shows you that you have room to remove stress by stopping the constant internal reminders in your thought-loops which are basically describing your current situation over and over to yourself all day long. That is why I recommend mindfulness meditation - it helps to remove your mind from those loops.

 

I can almost guarantee that you are experiencing some anhedonia (lack of ability to feel pleasure/passion). There is one simple thing you can do which will help you a lot and its backed by both eastern spirituality and western science: stop orgasming/ejaculating. This will help increase the amount of dopamine in your brain, and will upregulate your testosterone receptors...Try it for even 10 days and you will notice a difference.

[Sanzon]

Re: Protector (& other Idiot_s)

What some absolutely vapid and irresponsible advice!

Why not go back and play with your tv-games and your cartoons. Here we have an adult man suffering and you implicate that this is some mind game.

 

WillingToListen:

Giving advice is the cheapest thing in life, but you - and no other - will pay the price for listening to it, so beware. If you can find someone who has been there and returned, great! Other people will be well-meaning, in all respect, but the advice can be dangerously incomplete.

 

Someone had to say it. Thanks Mandrake. There are otherwise some heartfelt & thoughtful responses on here.

 

WillingToListen, if I could have my time over again with K, I would do it differently. I didn't have any access to support, but now, I would choose the 2 simple exercises recommended by the KSN to smoothen the ride, being the MCO & the Secret Smile. Why? Because the KSN exist for situations like you are in now, like I was in then. I would tend to trust them. Songstan's posts have also struck a chord with me in that hindsight (bless it) showed me that half of my obstacles were self generated through my own uncertainty & panic. I wish I had enough insight at the time to seek the centre of the cyclone and sit there in relative safety.

 

Again dude, I admire you for toughing this out. I stand here, like others to say that you are not alone, and that people do make it through to the other side of this.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Sanzon

[rene]

-bump-

 

thought it might go well with the 'Detachment' thread.