Okay. I'd really like to start living again. :(

[skydog]

Yes exactly I like to express my thoughts on this forum for example...and when I do be sure to know there will be 10 people giving me "advice" about how there is something wrong with me when I make a post expressing something I enjoy or an epiphany, even if for one second I believe them and put more trust in their view than my own all my faith and trust in my self is smashed, relying on others for knowing. School system says you dont know and were going to teach you. Just have faith in your self your own voice, but I also feel that particuarly for you your creativity is changing like I mentioned in the first post yeh be creative but loving creativite. Being yourself is an interesting subject because "self" is coming from the environment, experiences in this life and perceptions of those experiences, gender, achievements, social conditioning, other lives, what you call self is not really limited to the personality you think you are.. Also forget about humility, and forget about ideas why your not good enough. Humility can be very blocking. Think about it like yeh your amazing and so is everyone else. God

 

Also sense of power is very important..If you feel weak, powerless, not good enough, not capable your probably not going to create much.

[wayki]

airport can solve lots of problems.

 

as can ayahuasca or wachuma....

 

stop, be still, and breath......forget the future......eat something nice, watch something funny.

[C T]

In this situation, i think you need to loosen up on focussing so much on your 'self'. Reading your laments, its all 'I' this 'I' that (sorry, but no sympathy here.. does nothing to empower your esteem anyway).

 

People say the best way to find happiness is to forget the 'self'. Shantideva said something similar -- "All the happiness in the world comes from considering others; all the misery comes from thinking only of oneself." He also said, "If you can find a solution to your problem, there is no need to worry. If it happens to be an unsolvable problem, what is the use of worrying?"

 

If i were you, i would try to practice kindness to other sentient beings if i find myself in a similar situation. Just one good deed a day, and bottle the merit from that. Then, as time goes by, enlarge the field of your good deeds, and go on, one small good deed at a time. Make a new train of positive habits. Practice spontaneously being kind to others, insects, animals, any living being that you happen to see in a bit of distress. I do this all the time. If i see a stray animal needing food or water, i would run to the shop or run back to the house to get some nourishing stuff for it. Sometimes, by the time i get back to where it was, it would have wandered away, no problem, then i say a prayer to ask for blessings on their behalf. Just an example. It does not take very much to do something good for some other being. Old folks in the homes need company... go spend some time with them, clean their rooms, sit with them in the garden, chat with them, listen to them (of course, with the home's permission). See any kids on the street who look like they could use a 'big brother'?

 

You sound like an intelligent, creatively-oriented kind of guy, so tap some of this positivity and direct it for others' benefit, instead of moaning about your discontent and ill-fate. Everything changes and is changing, every single moment. Dont spend time going into your head so much, cos this tends to exacerbate your mistaken notions about kundalini blah blah. I can almost guarantee, reading your descriptions, that your ideas around kundalini is all so haphazardly formed that you dont even know what is what anymore. Its a common thing with folks who dabble without proper guidance.

 

If you want to sort out your perceived spiritual dilemmas, seriously think about finding a teacher who would help you for free (and he or she would def help if he or she is a real teacher -- he or she would be able to pick up on whether you are sincere in needing help) provided you are fully honest in the exchange. Any buddhist teachers near you? They could surely listen to your problems and offer some fresh perspectives.

 

Get out and away from the internet for a while. It can be anti-problem solving sometimes.

 

 

Wishing you the very best in finding new causes for transforming your life positively.

 

Remember: one good deed a day for another sentient being. No matter an ant or a human being... just do it.

[Protector]

Whenever I power up with the horse stance I also feel very powerful productive and that everything is awesome. After it wears out I don't feel anything at all. In comparison to the feeling after the horse stance, my self without the power is weak and it seams weaker with more power I get. I need to get more or the energy escapes. I feel kinda like you there, but I just don't care anymore. I don't feel sad because I'm tired of that too. Because I witnessed a great thing, everything else seems weak in comparison. Meanwhile, I like to surround myself with things that I like until I get back.

[idiot_stimpy]

Desire is the root of all suffering.

 

So give up those desires...

[estuary]

Dear WillingToListen,

 

I don't really have any advice, but would it help if you knew that someone was thinking of you and wishing you well? I am and I do. It must be a very difficult time. I hope that you find something helpful here.

 

In my experience, depression tries to be very believable (it wants to sound like your best most trusted friend, like it has your back, like it KNOWS everything). Strangely enough, it's a lying SOB. Ok, a little semi-advice - recognize that the depression and despair are there but don't let them call the shots. Obviously somewhere inside you desire to live, to flourish - depression may tell you that it's unreachable, that every option is too far away, too big. But ANY small step will affect change. It might be small change, but change nonetheless.

 

Let's work on finding the small step you can manage for now.

 

(and seriously consider Songtsan's reply too)

[estuary]

im scared its going to be this way forever ...

 

the good news is that EVERYTHING changes - there's no way this is a "forever" thing.

 

sometimes that's all that's gotten me through. "I can be patient and wait the damn thing out"

[skydog]

Desire is the root of all suffering.

 

So give up those desires...

 

Desire is part of life.

 

The desire to give up desire is a desire itself.

[estuary]

Desire is part of life.

 

The desire to give up desire is a desire itself.

 

 

I'd respectfully like to add to Sinansencer's observation that at this point, urging a person who wonders where his zest for life has gone (his desire to live, no less) to give up desires, might be ill advised...

[WillingToListen]

I go through the K stuff every day too.

 

So you could write an essay about making lemonade on the street corner and the by the end of it you will realize you've written about alchemy of the soul as well.

 

I don't want that, I'm already too disassociated with common affairs as it is. Not all of my life is spiritual- I have a body.

 

Maybe perfectionism.

 

possible.

 

Dont spend time going into your head so much, cos this tends to exacerbate your mistaken notions about kundalini blah blah. I can almost guarantee, reading your descriptions, that your ideas around kundalini is all so haphazardly formed that you dont even know what is what anymore. Its a common thing with folks who dabble without proper guidance.

Get out and away from the internet for a while. It can be anti-problem solving sometimes.

 

Would you care to elaborate on some of my mistaken notions then?

I'm quite firmly under the impression that the kundalini energy has much to do with my current situation(NEGATIVE),

never have I hit such a low in all my life- its scary.

 

If I turn off my computer, then I really don't have a life.

 

 

Desire is the root of all suffering.

 

So give up those desires...

 

Yea I tried really hard to do that about a month ago, can't say that it's helped me at all.

I speculate it may have contributed to things becoming as they currently are.

 

 

For some of the other repsonses.

 

Anti-depressants terrify me, especially the one I was given a trial of because of the way it affects my blood levels- I have a family history of blood disorders. And just the way it generally affects my nervous system.

Although I was grateful for the trial dosages that brought me down from my week of insomnia.

I don't like it, I can feel myself fading into nothing on them- even moreso than I can without them.

Like I will catch myself being content watching paint dry, but that isn't the best thing for a person with nothing trying to make a living on my own some time soon

 

I like how I went through all of this bullshit all of this reformation but I'm still a danger to their companies on paper.

[WillingToListen]

I just want my creativity back, a girlfriend and to help out others when I can. Maybe even a job.

 

You don't need superpowers or heightened senses for any of that.

 

What would be the point of even starting to cultivate?

 

It seems to me that once you start moving around wires like that, you become a part-time mechanic.

[Protector]

Short term solution: go crazy

[WillingToListen]

Short term solution: go crazy

:( :'( :'( :'(

[3bob]

dogs are good buddies, cats are wise and independent, do you have either?

[Songtsan]

Would you care to elaborate on some of my mistaken notions then?

I'm quite firmly under the impression that the kundalini energy has much to do with my current situation(NEGATIVE),

never have I hit such a low in all my life- its scary.

 

For some of the other repsonses.

 

Anti-depressants terrify me, especially the one I was given a trial of because of the way it affects my blood levels- I have a family history of blood disorders. And just the way it generally affects my nervous system.

Although I was grateful for the trial dosages that brought me down from my week of insomnia.

I don't like it, I can feel myself fading into nothing on them- even moreso than I can without them.

Like I will catch myself being content watching paint dry, but that isn't the best thing for a person with nothing trying to make a living on my own some time soon

 

I like how I went through all of this bullshit all of this reformation but I'm still a danger to their companies on paper.

 

What C T said about people mistaking what Kundalini is is true in almost every case of K-awakening. The less you expect of it the better. The less you project on it the better. That's why I recommend 'ignoring' it per se, as other avenues often lead to leading a spiritual fantasy, which will inevitably end in wasted time, going on a psychological/spiritual goose-chase, and result in short-term or even long-term disaster. If you hear voices, don't focus on them or interact with them in any way, if you are feeling weird emotions that you think didn't come from your own mind, then they probably didn't, and again ignore them. If you feel weird body sensations, forget about them. Note their passage, just as if you are meditating. The only type of meditation you should be doing is mindfulness type meditation, google vipassana, or shikantaza- to find calmness and rootedness. Involve yourself in being active during the day, even if you are just walking.

 

As far as taking something for depression, I wont push you on that much, but I did want to say that trying one kind isn't trying them all, and also that there is always a period of time, of between 4-8 weeks when you start them where you feel weird and then that goes away and you feel functional and even-minded. It sort of sounds like you have been experiencing some unstable moods- have you had times where you felt your thoughts racing, as if you were a mad genius and you couldn't sleep? Thoughts sounded 'louder' and more frantic?

 

What physiological effects have you felt - anything funny in the chest area? stomach? excessive rumination, obsessive thinking?

 

 

Short term solution: go crazy

 

This wouldn't be as bad as you think - you'd probably just end up the mental hospital for a short period of time....you'd get a thorough diagnosis, they'd put you on meds, then release you eventually and you'd see someone outpatient. It wouldn't cost you anything. It would be better than what happened to me, going to prison because I was psychotic and manic...I mean you get treatment in prison too, but its not as good. My point is don't worry - you aren't going to die, the worst that could happen is that you end up institutionalized for a short stretch. It won't kill you. There is no force which is going to so overwhelm you that you will freak out and do something dangerous. Kundalini is an intelligent force and it won't go that far. You won't really go crazy, you won't starve, you won't freeze to death...there are systems in place to make sure none of this happens.

 

So just do your best to climb out of your pit, an inch at a time. Eat the best food you can, get good sleep, get exercise, work on your mind by avoiding 'think-traps' that just wear you out. If you aren't willing to do meds, consider taking some basic vitamins if you can afford them: multi-vitamin, fish oil with high EPA, vitamin D, Calcium/magnesium....

[Mal]

I just want my creativity back, a girlfriend and to help out others when I can. Maybe even a job.

 

I don't have any advice either. I've spent all day lying in bed just waiting for the time to pass so that I could (try) to sleep through the night. Just wanting to get that day "finished" .... then repeat repeat repeat. Felt like a totally pointless existence. If I knew an easy way to fix that I'd let you know... I've also filled my day with activities like Yoga, meditation, Tai Chi, music ... and felt EXACTLY the same.

 

At least working eats up the "time" so getting a job may help you. A girlfriend may give you something to look forward to, as well as a friend to spend time with. Helping others could be the easiest way to start (volunteering) and you give benefits that help towards getting a job and meeting friends. Currently you probably don't feel motivated to "try" any of that, I often didn't and it's really hard when you feel "I don't want to do that" yet know that you have to fight and force yourself to do it anyhow.

 

I'm glad you shared this on TTB it made me feel ... well worse actually as I have a job GF and am somewhat creative yet I often feel despondent and I like your mechanic analogy, especially because it's a bit of a joke that mechanics often have the worst running car that's in constant need of attention and repair.

 

ok a tiny bit of advice, I've got this pinned on my wall at work

 

[Birch]

I mean I didn't 'like' that you had to go through all that Mal, but I liked the fact you were talking (writing) about it and the diagram was pretty nifty:-)

 

So, lots of the TTB's have been though this stuff (or variants of it). I found that by itself somewhat comforting. I mean not that I wish the weirder experiences on anyone. The 'don't pay any attention to phenomena' was the best advice I had at the time too.

 

More recently, I have found that if I keep too much to myself (in other words don't put my energies towards something helpful of some kind) then it stagnates and I end up in worse shape. Between that and exhausting myself, there's a middle path.

 

I found psychotherapy helpful too althought I didn't mention the word 'kundalini'. Nor to the acupuncturist (which in hindsight I wonder about, shouldn't they be aware of this stuff?)

 

 

--opinion etc--

[Neophyte]

For any mental affliction, including mental illnesses such as depression, the best solution is to meditate.

 

Sit in half-lotus position, keep the tip of your tongue at the roof of your mouth. Ensure that you have absolute darkness and absolute silence (thus, nights are better). Keep your mind focused on your upper dantian, or both upper and lower dantian. Perform Buddhist breathing. With each breath, COUNT. Count your breaths for hundreds of repetitions. Other than your breaths, your mind should only be aware of your dantian.

 

Try this for a couple of hours. This sounds simple, but is immensely effective.

'

For the first half-hour, forty minutes, maybe an hour, you'll be feeling your worries, your depression, your desires: all of the things you mentioned in your posts. Eventually, you'll feel as if you're swimming upstream in a rapid current: the force of these emotions will be rushing against you, and you'll be fighting them.

But this is good. In my experience, this is when the tormenting emotions begin to feel external. Right now, you probably feel as if your depression is radiating from within you. When you start to feel that it is a current flowing through you, then that is the first step of progress. It won't be perceived to come from within, but a current from without

 

You probably also feel that your depression is justified--you are convinced that you have reasons to feel depressed. But with enough meditation experience, you'll learn that your depression is irrational. You'll see that everything in your life may be just as it is, but that you can experience it without the depression and anguish.

 

The current of negative emotions flowing through you, will get weaker. It will get weaker within each meditation session, and will grow weaker with each passing day. Eventually, these mental afflictions will be like flies, annoyances that can be swatted away when they come too close.

 

Read the book, The Brain That Changes Itself, by Norman Doidge, MD. PhD. It is a science book which presents the evidence that our brains are not hard-wired. They are soft-wired; they are neuro-plastic. They can and do change. Meditation is probably the most effective way (in my opinion), of harnessing the brains neuroplasticity. (In my experience, nothing has been better.)

 

There have also been very reputable scientific studies, published in peer-review journals, that Omega-3 polyunsaturated fat is enormously effective at reducing depression. After all, our brains are more than fifty percent omega-3 fat! Salmon and other fatty fishes is the perfect treatment for mood disorders. Peer-review studies also show that Vitamin D treatment has the same effect. You can find all of these studies with a google search.

 

So, meditate this evening for a few hours. The longer you stay in meditation, the more relaxed you'll be, both mentally and physically. When you come out, you'll be energized enough to do anything you wish. It works for me.

[Birch]

Super-heroes' journey: http://www.icrcanada.org/blog/kundalinimyth

[idiot_stimpy]

I just want my creativity back, a girlfriend and to help out others when I can. Maybe even a job.

 

 

Is not having these things now upsetting you?

 

If so, can not you see it is your desire of these things that is causing the unhappiness?

 

Wouldn't it be better to just be happy and not need anything, than be unhappy wanting everything?

 

 

The more you hold onto things, the more painful its going to be.

[DalTheJigsaw123]

I'm sorry friend. I been through what you are going through. The only thing I can say is that it really will be okay. It has to be, what else is there? Other than happiness, everything else is temporarily. It's all about your perception. See if you can take some kind of break, find something you feel passion in. Whatever it is, focus on it and let it guide you. Perhaps going to a place where you can seek help? Start playing a sport? That helped me tremendously. I am here if you would like to talk. [email protected]

[ChiForce]

Let's get serious here. How did you experience the Kundalini energy rising? Was it drug induced? I can't not see how you can whine about your life for not having a job, not having money, not having a girlfriend, and not having any creativity left when you claim you did experience the kundalini energy. For most people, the experience is very sublime and metaphysical. It is basically a sign post telling you that your life has a path, a spiritual higher path. For all the suffering and pain you have gone through, you are on the right path. For some silly reason, you aren't seeing this meaning. Instead, you are whining about why life wasn't the way it used to be.

Edited March 30, 2013 by ChiForce

[RiverSnake]

Let's get serious here. How did you experience the Kundalini energy rising? Was it drug induced? I can't not see how you can whine about your life for not having a job, not having money, not having a girlfriend, and not having any creativity left when you claim you did experience the kundalini energy. For most people, the experience is very sublime and metaphysical. It is basically a sign post telling you that your life has a path, a spiritual higher path. For all the suffering and pain you have gone through, you are on the right path. For some silly reason, you aren't seeing this meaning. Instead, you are whining about why life wasn't the way it used to be.

Chi force, the path is not all sunshine and rainbow. Anyway on the path knows this. We've all had tough times and gonna through dark nights of the soul, just gotta persevere, practice and have faith that there is a brighter side to these things.

 

My 2 cents, Peace

[Birch]

It's pretty well agreed both light and dark are amplified in the process.

 

[ChiForce]

Chi force, the path is not all sunshine and rainbow. Anyway on the path knows this. We've all had tough times and gonna through dark nights of the soul, just gotta persevere, practice and have faith that there is a brighter side to these things.

 

My 2 cents, Peace

It does matter if the experience is drug induced or not. If it is drug induced, it is an one big ego trip. If it is not, you should receive a spirit guide along the path. You would receive spiritual guidance in one form or the others. You have a spiritual issue, and you should receive spiritual guidance from other beings. I have one being appeared before me (in my vision/dream/semi awakened consciousness) during my second life challenge trial. His appearance was so significant that he literally defines who I am now after my kundalini experience. I can describe how he looks, his hair color, his eyes, and even the texture of his hand. The life I had before my kundalini experience has been dead.