Am I just going crazy, or getting duller?

[WillingToListen]

I don't want to die so much as I want to just not exist.

 

Its lile I quit drugs for a while, had this experience whatever it is, and now I have more reason to do drugs.

 

I can't even get another therapist because I'll just lie.

There was a time when I didn't lie about anything, then it all became too much to bear.

[teknix]

Ok, so what do you think is at the root, or the cause of your miserable suffering and what can you do to change it?

[teknix]

Only the "Idea" of you could ever cause suffering . . . For there is no "you" to suffer in actuality. Even suffer is an idea, one of many ideas chosen to attach to you, blinding in binding deceit, an illusionarily mistaken reality.

Edited May 16, 2013 by teknix

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

to weild power over the illusion and mold it to your intentions. is that wrong?

[teknix]

Depends on what is doing the weilding?

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

if "self" was not the evident "what" then you need to read that before posting...

[WillingToListen]

I just want someone to tell me I'll be okay.

 

I hear all of these stories and different interpretations of what kundalini actually is, I've started the deep breathing excercises, retaining, and smoking less marijuana.

 

I really want my former capacity back, I've read stories that are very similar to mine currently and it makes me so sad to think that this state might last for a long time. I want my creativity back, my art was/is my livelihood- without my art/creative processes, I don't have a life

Edited May 19, 2013 by WillingToListen

[WillingToListen]

I've also heard of the K energy being somewhat of a dream machine, then why can't I have my creative energy back? Why do I feel like I've been drowning this sorrow for a time.

 

I want my old life back.

 

Music was the only thing I wanted from life, now that that's "gone" I don't really want anything anymore from life now.

 

Lack of passion has made existence a sad thing for me.

 

I feel like I can't even talk to people as well, it feels like my minds focus closes up on its own accord. My vocabulary is getting rusty, it's hard for me to fabricate a falsehood (tell a joke), I'm having less intellectual things to say in general and I can't tell anyone because they don't understand what's happening.

 

This can't be how my life is going to be.

[Mandrake]

SANTIAGO DOBLES SUSAN CARLSON Both will help you if you contact them.

Liminal_luke seconded this, I do as well.

If your problems are due to kundalini, these people can help out, as they've done before for people from this board.

In the end, no one will force you to leave your suffering.

 

 

Mandrake

[Jetsun]

It sounds like you are in the middle of a process and you have no option but to keep going, which means letting go of a lot of your ideas and concepts about who you are and about the way life should be for you. It is understanding it is difficult and involves a lot of suffering as it is like a form of death. The deadening of your inside world is probably due to your personality attachments resisting the process your soul has already agreed upon for the good of your own evolution. If k works its way up to a blockage and you are not ready to let it go the blockage will fight and resist which takes up all your energy. If that is what is going on I can relate.

 

It is a cliche but it sounds like a dark night of the soul experience, St Johns message was that if you enter into deep despair then all you can really do is try relax and let go as God/the universe is working on your soul, even if you don't realize it the process is beneficial and agreed upon by you on some level, so have faith.

[WillingToListen]

Liminal_luke seconded this, I do as well.

If your problems are due to kundalini, these people can help out, as they've done before for people from this board.

In the end, no one will force you to leave your suffering.

 

 

Mandrake

I don't know who either of those people are or how to contact them :/

 

Last time I felt a "dark night" all of my preconceived notions about others left me and opinions I had about many things/places. I don't really understand what I'm "letting go of" this time, it feels like I can't think more than half the time. It's like I still have my old thoughts/ideas but I had an extra 4 acres of brain shoved into my head, I feel so empty and I'm sad because of the emptiness. I can't tell what's happening to me. I know some people at my job probably think I'm a dunce since I don't talk much, but I don't have much to say lately. I feel so stupid

 

This is really scary to me. I've only looked forward to one thing my whole life and now it seems like it won't ever happen.

 

Why do people take some things I say to heart so much? Everytime I've tried being sarcastic lately, someone has taken it as straight truth.

 

I really wanted a girlfriend, for once in my life, but now its harder because I'm "aware"? Of them i guess. People lie to me so much but I often know they are.

 

I noticed sometimes when good things happen to me and I talk about them to people, they stop happening. Why?

[RiverSnake]

I don't know who either of those people are or how to contact them :/

 

 

 

Susan Carlson is shaktimama. She gave you good advice on post #64 in your original thread here: http://thetaobums.com/topic/26254-hi-im-a-christian-and-my-kundalini-is-awakening-please-help/?p=397308

 

She has guided dozens of people through the kundalini awakening process. I suggest you actually utilize her advice.

 

My 2 cents, Peace

Edited May 19, 2013 by OldGreen

[manitou]

WillingtoListen - Please consider the fact that you have become accustomed to the attention you receive from posting threads about your unhappiness. Please know that we all love you.

 

As someone who has sponsored people for 25 years in a recovery program, I have seen inner-directed people become outer-directed people in a very short time. An inner-directed person thinks about themselves and their condition constantly. This isn't altogether healthy, unless you follow it up with self-discovery, as has been suggested here beautifully by clarity and jetsun. There is a purpose for your ennui right now.

 

Try becoming more outer-directed, thinking of other people rather than your own misery so much. Is there someone around you that you can do something nice for - even secretly? That's fun - doing something nice for someone else and not let them know it was you that did it. Your self-esteem will increase gradually. Try doing one random act of kindness a day and keep it anonymous.

 

When you repeat that you want your life back, what kind of a life was that? You're 24 - were you a party animal? Was social engagement easy for you? (It never has been for me) I was a party animal from the age of 15 to 35 - yes, it was a hell of a life. But it had to come to an end; my choice was to quit the frivolity (because I wasn't any good at social engagement I was constantly drunk, which made interaction a whole lot easier) or die, one or the other. I quit the frivolity. Please consider the possibility that your reliance on weed has overtaken all your attitudes. Your K-activity may be the cause of some of this, or there may be other more mundane reasons. Please consider addiction.

 

There's another aspect to this too. If you recall, in the TTC the sage is unknowing, bending. He is in a place not too terribly different from where you are right now, albeit for different reasons. The sage walks around with no-judgment in his head, optimally. This could result in a bit of ennui because there are no intense highs and lows any more - we don't have to ride the rollercoaster of illusion. Perhaps what is happening to you has a sage-like purpose and this that you're going through now is part of that, an introduction.

 

In other traditions, there is something called developing a 'heart of stone'. This is actually the same thing I'm talking about. We develop the ability to transcend the illusion of what's going on around us and see it unattached and unemotionally. This doesn't mean we've become cold people, just the opposite. But we become capable of transcending anything at will and seeing it for what it really is. Perhaps this is starting to happen for you, but maybe you just need to be patient.

 

I find my K-activity bothersome, actually. It has given me the ability to triangulate, which is awesome. But the continual electrical buzzing that manifests wherever in my body it wants to is a bit of a pain which takes some getting used to.

 

Just one further thought - I know you don't want to hear this, but if your weed smoking involves a price tag that is too high (and it sounds like it might be) please consider attending a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It will be an opportunity for you to work on yourself from the inside. You'll meet some incredible people there, you may run into an enlightened one or two. They have literally gone to hell and returned; the good thing about 12 step programs is that it isn't about what you would assume they would be. These are people who are trying to untangle themselves, noodle by noodle, to get at the bottom of their addiction. If done long enough, you get to the bottom of yourself if you are earnest. That is where the truth lies.

 

Please forgive me if this seems unkind. It is not. It is intended with love - and someone who understands self pity.

[skydog]

Time to take ACTION, get focused and be determined.

 

Many great nuggets of advice from everyone.

 

View this as a gift.

 

I also had kundalini awaken 2 years ago..

 

Sure there are downsides..but there are tremendous upsides too.

 

You reinforce reality EVERY SINGLE TIME you focus on the bad..

Edited May 19, 2013 by sinansencer

[h.uriahr]

I don't know who either of those people are or how to contact them :/

Last time I felt a "dark night" all of my preconceived notions about others left me and opinions I had about many things/places. I don't really understand what I'm "letting go of" this time, it feels like I can't think more than half the time. It's like I still have my old thoughts/ideas but I had an extra 4 acres of brain shoved into my head, I feel so empty and I'm sad because of the emptiness. I can't tell what's happening to me. I know some people at my job probably think I'm a dunce since I don't talk much, but I don't have much to say lately. I feel so stupid

This is really scary to me. I've only looked forward to one thing my whole life and now it seems like it won't ever happen.

Why do people take some things I say to heart so much? Everytime I've tried being sarcastic lately, someone has taken it as straight truth.

I really wanted a girlfriend, for once in my life, but now its harder because I'm "aware"? Of them i guess. People lie to me so much but I often know they are.

I noticed sometimes when good things happen to me and I talk about them to people, they stop happening. Why?

 

If you're so lazy that you can't google both of them then you are exactly where you need to be. 3 people tell you who you need to contact and you dedicate 1 line to it then go on like "oh well". Personally, I'm starting to think you enjoy the attention of the thread. Google either name with kundalini or google both together.

 

Good luck

 

[skydog]

.

Edited May 19, 2013 by sinansencer

[WillingToListen]

Cool story. This is the only place I can even discuss such matters without losing a friend or being judged. I have been trying some of the suggested methods to no avail.

 

Yes Manitou, I want my life back.

 

I used to be able to write and sing effortlessly, now it's next to impossible. It takes me days to even get a decent lyric now. With music and art being the foundation I laid for my life, now that those talents seemed to have faded- I have nothing. There's nothing that really grabs my interest anymore hence there isn't much I talk about or feel like talking about. All I did was create, now it seems that I can't. I feel so empty then whenever I retain I get sad easier and the cold logic starts creeping back. Music and art was my life, it makes me really sad. It was the main way I coped with life, now I don't really have it- everything from life before is covered in a haze.

 

I don't want to transcend the only passion I had in life.

 

I feel like a husk of a being. I just want to die all the time.

People make me sad, they're always so negative, I feel it when they make my mood change.

 

I'm not lazy because I'm not googling people who are strangers. I've tried reaching out to someone's reccomended person in the past, and I never recieved a response.

 

I probably do have a drug ise problem at this point, but I don't care. At least it keeps me numb to fact I no longer am living a life I want to, not even that I was that enthused about it originally.

 

I don't know what K did to me, but I don't really like it right now.

I don't want anything to do with any of this.

 

Thanks for sharing your assumptions and judgements, if only I could be so young and carefree.

 

Sometimes I wish I could just dig a knife in my arms again or go kill someone to end this life, but I can't feel that wave like that anymore- so I just cry and sleep.

 

I don't know why anything matters, I've been miserable for a long time and now its back and intensified.

Living feels like a chore

[WillingToListen]

I feel like I overcame all of this stuff and now I'm back doing it.

 

What's so special about kundalini?

 

Having it wreck your life, becoming sensitive to everything, dissolving "you", frying electronics, having animals always come to you, giving weird body shocks, inducing mania episodes or being a complete fucking shell of a being

[skydog]

Man, I wish I could be your friend in real life...it is sad to listen to..It does remind me of me to be honest, thats why this thread is touching me.

 

Put it this way...when your third eye is very open you are an upside down pyramid, unbalanced, unstable, worrying about money, safety, not calm.

 

You need to be a pyramid...grounded, calm, powerful.

 

Go Extreme with grounding.

 

Research it, squats, wall sit, horse stance, running, bagua...

 

Grounding, grounding, grounding...

 

we are in a similar position btw

 

it is a temporary phase

 

Hope your creativity comes back, it is fun to create

[h.uriahr]

Stop giving power to your problem. Take command and yes you are lazy.

Stop being lazy. Look them up and speak with them. I did it, you can too.

Stop sitting idle. Stop Desiring the attention as well. Too many people like to pet and coddle their problems. Take action.

Say something. Then do it. Are you in California?

[thetaoiseasy]

..

Edited March 24, 2014 by thetaoiseasy

[manitou]

Darling, it just seems to me that you're putting an awful lot of blame on the kundalini activity.....

[ChiDragon]

It is not the blame but what he had actually done. You don't know how much that can be damaged to a person physically and mentally.

[theurgy]

Willingtolisten, Sounds to me like what I was going through when I was your age (not long ago). You WILL get through this. This feeling of falling apart is a natural process. Own it. Let it be. Cultivate despair and revel in it. Before you know it, it will have passed. Learn to love being miserable! It's fun in a way and then it runs its course. Your shadow is making friends with you, that's all.

 

I would suggest listening/relating to this album for awhile. Sing along:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ResvvzOu0Rs

 

After you have gotten used to the despair then implement thetaoiseasy's suggestions.

 

My best to you.

[xor]

..

Edited May 22, 2013 by Guest