Am I just going crazy, or getting duller?

[hydrogen]

Weed can be some heavy stuff. It depends on the type. I hear guys have like a lucid panic attack. They get so lightheaded that things turn super real. Like crystal clear that it's scary. Usually it's such a life changing experience that when you're sober after the event, you start to feel weird and then depressed.

 

The original poster blamed all his problem on the "K". Now you guys wanted to shift the blame to weed?

 

What's the next? the devil?

[ChiForce]

Haha both then. No really it's because he told us awhile back that all his problems started when he smoked weed and then felt energy in his head. So sarcasm aside.

I remember something like that.....

[xor]

..

Edited May 22, 2013 by Guest

[hydrogen]

Manitou:

 

Darling, it just seems to me that you're putting an awful lot of blame on the kundalini activity.....

 

Haha. And I even worded it carefully so that it wouldn't hit anyone's nerve. Just accept that it's not good for some people just like the devil.

 

I think Manitou had a valid point about taking personal responsibility.

 

Then you guys jumped on the weed blaming train for him.

[xor]

...

Edited May 22, 2013 by Guest

[WillingToListen]

A brief summation of what has transpired since last october,

 

~October

 

I quit my job working as a dishwasher/busser at a restraunt because of the heirarchy I saw permeating everything. I started to feel strongly about how people treated each other and their feelings/intentions in general.

Almost simultaneously I began fervently soul searching, dissatisfied with many facets of my life.

I went into isolation for 1 1/2 months. I went on a pescatarian diet, stopped watching television and using the computer so often, stopped smoking, stopped using any drugs/substances, didn't use a telephone, only used natural light, meditated semi-regularly, prayed, went on wals regularly and practiced 'good' morals (commandments/precepts at the time). I sungazed intermittently, most times for about a week at a time (east coast weather). I spent a fair amount of time reading literature and mystic/occult writings.

I left my town only once during this time to attend the funeral of my uncle, I cried for the first time in a while.

 

It was the night of my birthday, my first contact with people other than my parents in a while, and my friends suggested I smoke weed, again. Something of a champagne. So I took 1 hit from the bong and didn't really want anymore, I remember the taste being disqusting- smoke wasn't as appetizing anymore. But my friend protested and urged me to take another.

I tooke another pull and I felt this electric orb of energy pop up into my throat. It was almost difficult to breathe. I felt it pulsating, I was getting pretty nervous but I wasn't concerned after I looked up and saw that my two friends in the room were standing behind me. I sat down on the edge of the bed. The ball of energy started to slowly creep up my throat towards my tonsils, pulsating the whole way. Breathing was difficult at a point. Then all of a sudden the ball shot up into my head and I felt like my head was going to explode for a second. It felt like electric eels swimming through my brain.

I had no idea what was happening.

The ball of electricity started bouncing from my head to a little above my heart, violently at first and then more slowly. Breathing was kind of difficult again. After the panic started to fade a bit I tried to start forcing down the energy into my heart area to keep it away from my throat, shortly after the energy subsided.

The entire time this was happening I had my eyes open. As the 'brain fry' came to an end I saw a white flash of light over the room.

Everything seemed new and vivid.

A commercial came on the television, I commented on how it lacked cohesiveness with this odd hue of cold logic that was unfamiliar.

We drove around afterwards, I smoked a little more, and I couldn't stop talking about the world around me and my 'rolling epiphanies'.

 

Stores seemed smaller and all of the 'flourishes' were gone. Like when I went into michaels it just seemed like a warehouse with signs strewn i don't know, like it had a very cold/mechanical feel to it.

 

I felt peoples emotions much easier, I feel like I often adpoted the emotions of others as my own when in their company. Sometimes I could tell what people wanted. I knew who was going to call my phone all the time, seconds before they called.

 

Knowing and telling "the truth" became very important.

 

I would solve many unresolved situations from my past during mediation.

 

I had "rolling epiphanies" where I was seeing everything I saw usually saw everyday from a different and unbiased viewpoint.

 

I lost interest in many people as I couldn't bring myself to accept their bad habits and it became difficult for me to be around people who put out a lot of negative energy.

 

My "filters" seemed for the most part to be completely gone and I was Very open with people about things I did.

 

I noticed my brain begin to feel a bit funny and my hearing become more sensitive. I loved music up to this point. Listening to music made my brain feel like it was churning, especially music with any kind of negativity in it. I convinced myself that the music I was making was bad for me, and it was to an extent- putting out that kind of negative energy all the time was a bit draining of me. That would have been fine if I didn't like music and it wasn't my only interest in life, but it was. I was and still am fairly disimpassioned, although the "brain movements" are far less frequent.

 

Sometimes when I would sing I would see little spots of lights

 

I started writing papers on social ills and immediate cures for them on facebook. I got a pretty positive reponse and a good amount of negative too. I really wanted to help people and help change things for the better. I wrote a fair amount while doing volunteer work at this christian center, I didn't agree so much with their ideology but their intent.

People had always come to me with their problems to an extent, but now it seemed to happen a lot more often. I was composed most of the time and really got people to bring out a lot of deep seated issues. (I have a feeling a lot of this was like this is because of some sort of personal magnestism that is inherent with this 'process')

I talked with my therapists about the papers and she gave me other perspectives, which was refreshing because I didn't have anyone to bounce ideas off of and it was nice to have someone to talk to about stuff going on, non- spiritually.

I also began to become very disconnected from the world as I felt the effects of the isolation starting to set in. It felt like so many people did such wrong things and that no one wanted to try to do right, I thought everyone was capable of divinity at the time. But mentally I was geared towards 'saintly' work. I learned a lot about the us government and the politics of the world.

 

One day I started noticing I had a bit of headache, only it didn't hurt. Energy was starting to get stuck up in my head. I felt almost completely disconnected from human life. I felt vacuous.

All of my sense hightened. I could hear/"feel" people and animals around me, like if someone or something moved in a crowd I could feel where it was. I couldn't wear headphones anymore and most music was too abrasive to listen to anymore. I also had a lot of constant ringing.

Peoples voices became very distinct and I could always hear this tone people would use when they start lying or fabricating something.

 

I could see micro-expressions on my parents faces. This was really depressing. This is when I found out we were losing the house, although they didn't tell me for a few more months. They were so miserable most of the time. I quickly found that I didn't enjoy knowing how everyone really feels about everything. It was hard to look some people in the face, when their appearance betrayed their intent so much and for you to just act normal. People seemed so unhappy.

 

I started frying the outside light on our deck about every time I used it. My laptop stopped working and my phone would act weird and die all the time.

 

My dog had ticks on him a couple of times and I would lay my hands on him and pray for them to fall off. I'd open my eyes and the ticks would be laying around him on the floor.

 

I saw an older womans aura but I ignored it because I didn't want to end up seeing spirits.

 

Things I wanted to happen, happened more often.

 

My thoughts were more fluid, it didn't seem like I thought with my brain as much.

 

I felt like birds talked to me, I felt them "in my brain" more. The same with dogs, when they barked I felt it shoot through my brain, sometimes it felt like they were saying something.

 

A lot of times when I woke up it felt like I "fell into my body" and sometimes my vision was blurred.

 

I met girls in various places, but every time I would talk to someone about them- I wouldn't see them again, or not for a long time.

 

It felt like my house didn't have walls and I could hear straight into the outdoors, inlcuding all of the airplanes passing which made it very difficult to get to sleep on some nights.

 

I saw cats at night all the time, most of the time no one else saw it nor did I say anything about it.

 

Practice trataka half-assedly and begin to hear every falsehood in peoples conversation, I immediately stopped the "practice".

 

I started to detach from a lot of things, mainly materialistic. Clothing and personal possessions meant little to me. I truly no longer cared for what much of life here had to offer me. I remember christmas was a scary time. I felt so completely alienated from life. It was very grey and bleak. It was very hard to "act normal", I felt my entire world being ripped apart and I had to smile through it. Just the fact that things were losing meaning made me more sad. I can't put this experience into words right now, it was just completely unreal- the things people said, how things felt, I don't know it was all very terrifying and I felt very alone.

Music had left me and I had not a confidant, this is where the dullness/nothingness started I think.

That's when I first began to feel emptied out, like a husk.

 

~New Years Eve

 

One night our power went out, just ours and 3 other house on our block. So being as paranoid as I still was I decided to leave and go walk into town. Around 10 at night. While I'm walking past a middle school I start hearing this thunderous booming noise coming from about 200 yards off into the darkness on my left. It sounds like a giant monster jumping or something. I thought it was something breaking. So I started walking again, and the booming starts to follow my steps. It follows me for at least a mile before I change course into town. It scared me a lot.

I start to walk back from town to my friends house and as soon as I get back into my neighborhood I begin to hear the booming noise again. I ran to my friends house. I didn't say anything of course.

Then when I was walking back to my house in the early morning, I heard the booming noise again and it followed me all the way to my street.

 

~January/Feb.

 

 

At one point I was up for a week, I was getting about 2-3 hours of sleep every night. My body and my brain didn't feel like they were sleeping.

Intense paranoia. I swore to god I saw a black helicopter outside my house flying straight overhead Much lower than usual. I was posting a lot of government and "masonic" things on internet sites.

Fear of dying. Fear of not sleeping.

I became very "in control" of my thoughts at one point, an experience that makes me never want to be that incharge of my functions ever again. I witnessed almost in 3rd person every thought I created, even when I was trying to sleep I would literally observe myself just thinking with my eyes closed. It was scary. It was like my thougts echoed, I've never experienced that kind of mental clarity.

The top of my head felt like it was open and on fire. I even developed a small bald patch right at the very top of my crown.

I felt like the world was ending.

Basically a really scary insomnia/mania episode.

I went to a doctor and got prescribed ambien. Then I went to a psychiatrist and got prescribed (i forget) it was a mood stabilizer though. I took those both for a week and my symptoms faded, although it still felt like the top of my head was open. That went on for about another month.

 

 

I still don't know what to make of any of what happened but that night scared me a lot. After that I started eating meat again and masturbating, I also quit reading any kind of spiritual/religious material for the most part.

 

I don't know. Life has been kind of foggy and grey since then.

 

I don't even know what happened to me. I don't know if it's some kind of psychosis, or of it's some kind of self realization or if its a kundalini energy experience. I do know that a lot happened that I can't so easily put into words.

 

That's pretty much what happened :/

Edited May 23, 2013 by WillingToListen

[Clarity]

Very interesting experiences, thank you for sharing this with us in such an honest way. You definitely cracked wide open, that's for sure.

 

This is what happens when people 'wake up'. Not psychosis at all, you have no weakness to being psychotic.

 

Part of what's so terrifying is just not knowing what's going on and seeing everything so damn clearly.

 

You were really seeing the both the beauty and the 'terror of the situation' all at once.

[xor]

That's a very clear description. I think I understand your situation more now. I'd forgot what stuff like this felt like, it's been a long time, it was in my teens...

 

For me it was great at first, doing things like a maniac and sleeping 3-5 hours. Then you notice maybe you've burned up a bit and things get hard, really hard. Maybe like you I felt like I was damaged somehow when I'd spent that energy.

 

I felt like I couldn't even walk anymore without conscious effort but that passed. I learned to talk to people again through self-help books(there was no internet where I could ask for help) and forcing myself. I was at a job I hated, I ignored how shitty it was for a while and got used to it. Eventually things got better on the job situation, education, lovelife, friends etc. I think you'll do good just to persevere despite the difficulties.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Guest

[WillingToListen]

That's a very clear description. I think I understand your situation more now. I'd forgot what stuff like this felt like, it's been a long time, it was in my teens...

 

For me it was great at first, doing things like a maniac and sleeping 3-5 hours. Then you notice maybe you've burned up a bit and things get hard, really hard. Maybe like you I felt like I was damaged somehow when I'd spent that energy.

 

I felt like I couldn't even walk anymore without conscious effort but that passed. I learned to talk to people again through self-help books(there was no internet where I could ask for help) and forcing myself. I was at a job I hated, I ignored how shitty it was for a while and got used to it. Eventually things got better on the job situation, education, lovelife, friends etc. I think you'll do good just to persevere despite the difficulties.

Could you be more specific?

[xor]

.

Edited June 7, 2013 by Guest

[WillingToListen]

I've been doing alright for the most part. I still lapse about every 4-5 days though.

 

The other day was cool, I smoked pot but I managed to 'step back outside myself' for a bit, it felt really good. For once I wasn't being overcritical of myself, or worried about what was going on inside of me- albeit it short lived. I felt normal.

 

Sometimes after I'm out in the sun for a bit, I feel 'full' and I take a nap- then, often, I feel like I'm falling back into my body when I wake up.

 

I had some flashbacks to some of the earlier days of my experience when my crown area was very open. They're like little horror vignettes about the sun. Within them, it feels like something inside my brain wants to pull me out of my body up into the sun. But it feels as if I turned my back on something and the sun isn't the best place to go but it has its 'advantages'. It's all pretty cryptic but it's more of a 'knowing feeling'- I try to dismiss them.

 

I masturbated the other day and my energy is all weird again, the dogs and birds let me know.

I didn't want to but I didn't care, in all honesty I lapse back into this really grey space of indifference- I have no idea if I'm struggling with myself so much as it feels like I also have a fair amount of bad energy floating around in my room and 'in' my bed.

 

 

I've been getting up earlier and I feel the wave better, so I think my stuff reset most of the way.

 

I'm not sure which practice to take up, I'm thinking of qi gong as I'd eventually want to develop my third eye but I know how strong you have to be for that. It's a big decision for me, especially since I'm far past 'testing the waters' of what it is I expect/want from cultivation/spiritual practice.

Having that much control over yourself is scary. There's this one time during my k-insomnia that I had a 'lot of control' over my thoughts and I could observe every thought as almost an object and it would kind of echo- it was terrifying. I would literally watch my thoughts sometimes even in sleep, it would almost be a 3rd person kind of feeling (fully aware but alseep). I don't know it didn't even feel like I was really sleeping, if that is a glimpse of what it's like to have complete control over my thoughts- I don't think I'm ready yet, I'd feel a lot better having a teacher or at least someone who could come around often.

 

Manifestation is better, I have no idea what I'm doing different/better :/

[WillingToListen]

I know its bad, it's just that when the 'good' came I had never really seen it so I didn't take it as being good all the way.

 

I'm getting really sensitive again, like I've been having a hard time eating almost anything. When I eat any kind of meat, I just want to throw up. Everything other than water tastes overpowering.

 

It drives me crazy sometimes. It makes me so sad.

 

I feel like I really don't have a choice but to follow the path now, that evading is just futility and causing more damage. But I really don't want to leave my old life behind, even though I can't find that spark again.

Everything is such a mess, restarting life/ having a mid-life crisis at 24 isn't my idea of 'being young'.

 

I'm scared to death of having this "K" thing progress any further, because I've heard from a few good sources that a full awakeing is incompatible with modern society.

[hydrogen]

I'm scared to death of having this "K" thing progress any further, because I've heard from a few good sources that a full awakeing is incompatible with modern society.

 

Not being able to fit into the environment of your present isn't "awakening". It's called "crazy".

 

You don't need motivation or goal to do something nor you need a reason to smile. Just do something, man.

[WillingToListen]

 

Not being able to fit into the environment of your present isn't "awakening". It's called "crazy".

 

You don't need motivation or goal to do something nor you need a reason to smile. Just do something, man.

Everyone acts like I'm overreacting, I can't do anything I used to It feels like nothing matters and I can't shake it.

 

I wanted to have a girlfriend so bad, I've never gotten to share things with someone, now I fear I don't have much to share.

 

My dad's dying I'm tired of everything.

 

I want to do something with my life but nothing matters anymore.

 

I don't feel human anymore, I'm living in a world that has little to do with me.

[skydog]

.

Edited June 7, 2013 by skydog

[WillingToListen]

Sorry my 'super powers' have only made it that much more difficult to intergrate into society, something I was having enough trouble with before any of these 'spiritual experiences' began taking place.

 

Hydrogen, I've done a fair amount of research both in and outside of myself on the subject of kundalini, and yea, those who have had a full awakening are good about adding a disclaimer that a full awakening(certain levels osf samadhi) are completely incompatible with modern society.

 

I'm sorry I'm kind of young and I had certain things I expected to happen within my life regardless if how stereotypical or juvenille they might come off as. So this whole starting from scratch thing is a bit of a shock, honestly.

 

I know what I wanted/want from life, but I can't bring myself to put th amount of passion/singular focus into music anymore- I literally can't hold anything in high esteem it seems, I'm far too logical about everything I guess... I guess a life of art and music is completely incompatible with kundalini.

 

The world demands so much of a person who wants next to nothing to do with it.

[skydog]

Wtl..

 

 

Good luck on the art and music..

[WillingToListen]

Wtl..

 

 

Good luck on the art and music..

thank you, it's all I want.

[Rara]

You seem very bothered by your surroundings and judgements. Really, I'm seeing a complete misplacement in what you, and where you are. Consumed by an environment that you don't belong in.

 

I've been at this stage too. Music is also my thing and I know exactly what you mean when everything just seems wrong and worthless.

 

My advice would be to do "F*** it therapy". There's a great book by John C Parkin called "F*** it", but I say you don't really need the book. You just need to go out one day and do whatever the hell you want to do (within reason of course!) Nothing too extreme but something that just feels right for you that doesn't include one damn thing that you've listed as negative in this thread.

 

For example, my ways of dealing with this sort of stuff is to run away for a few days. Go miles down the country and stay somewhere else...vanish for the day to the waterfall etc. In other words, take yourself out of the equation and watch how life changes depending on where you place yourself.

 

Gradually you will start to learn more about yourself and what is really wrong you will be able to answer for yourself.

[WillingToListen]

I'm doing much better, emotionally. I'm starting to be able to really talk to people again. Before, regardless of mood, I always felt sort of detached from the situation. I'm making money working, which is keeping my parents happier. I've started to get more active/going outside much more often. Music/creativity is still pretty rough, but it's something (maybe the only thing) that I'm not willing to give up on yet.

 

Thank you all for your help, especially those who've taken up correspondence with me on this site!! ^__^

 

I didn't think about dying/suicide once today! That made me happy.

[Marblehead]

Don't ever give up on the music/creativity.

 

I'm glad to hear that you are working and causing your parents to be happier with you.

 

Don't give up on your emotions either - just try to have more happy ones than sad ones.

[HoldorFold]

I'm doing much better, emotionally. I'm starting to be able to really talk to people again. Before, regardless of mood, I always felt sort of detached from the situation. I'm making money working, which is keeping my parents happier. I've started to get more active/going outside much more often. Music/creativity is still pretty rough, but it's something (maybe the only thing) that I'm not willing to give up on yet.

 

Thank you all for your help, especially those who've taken up correspondence with me on this site!! ^__^

 

I didn't think about dying/suicide once today! That made me happy.

 

That's awesome man.

 

You should write some goals down. It's important to have them written down. If you don't know what goals to do, just think of something. If you want a girlfriend, write that down. If you want to be successful, find a vision of success. Start somewhere, you can change your goals later.

 

I would recommend doing an excersise to increase your Jing seeing as your Jing has probably been burnt out by your K-awakening. I can vouch for Gary Clyman's condensing breathing excersise, you at least try it out:

 

Part 1)

Part 2)

 

Remember that you have power in your world. Read into the Law of Attraction if you haven't already done so man. You have to learn to ignore people's negativity because it will just create more of the same.

 

And you need a new vision. If you want happiness and joy, then make a vision of that and focus on the elements, no matter how small they may be, in your day to day reality that have seeds of that emotion and ignore the negativity.

 

Let the light in brother!

[WillingToListen]

That's awesome man.

 

You should write some goals down. It's important to have them written down. If you don't know what goals to do, just think of something. If you want a girlfriend, write that down. If you want to be successful, find a vision of success. Start somewhere, you can change your goals later.

 

I would recommend doing an excersise to increase your Jing seeing as your Jing has probably been burnt out by your K-awakening. I can vouch for Gary Clyman's condensing breathing excersise, you at least try it out:

 

Part 1)

Part 2)

 

Remember that you have power in your world. Read into the Law of Attraction if you haven't already done so man. You have to learn to ignore people's negativity because it will just create more of the same.

 

And you need a new vision. If you want happiness and joy, then make a vision of that and focus on the elements, no matter how small they may be, in your day to day reality that have seeds of that emotion and ignore the negativity.

 

Let the light in brother!

Thank you very much! I'm excited to see someone post something other than an mco exercise- a exercise that does not sit very well with me at all :/

 

As far as the law of attraction goes, I've learned a bit by experience over this last year. It's not so much a matter of not knowing of it, but a matter of still acting accordingly to it under the stress of certain circumstances

[HoldorFold]

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend MCO at all. The condensing breathing might help ground you in addition to building Jing. Also lots of physical excersise helps.

I know a thing or two about acting on the Law of Attraction under stressful circumstances

Several years ago I had Kundalini activity from various practices I was doing in combination with taking lots of Mephedrone (I won't touch drugs with a barge-pole anymore). It culminated in me hearing actual voices tormenting me 24/7 for several weeks, everywhere.. in public, at home... everywhere saying the most horrible shit imagineable. In addition to this I had demonic attacks at night regularly. If I had one thought go astray I would have a barrage of torment. It was pure hell, undescribable.

A huge part in what helped me was writing goals down, finding what I wanted to aim towards, focusing on it, using positive emotions, going into the void and using my whole being to pull myself out of the pit.

But now I'm fine. 100% fine and so much stronger from it. I'm running a successful company which I started from scratch and my life is getting better all the time.

[HoldorFold]

Nope, but I've done a lot of his condensing breathing and it is really powerful like nothing I've done before. I was very interested in cultivating Jing for physicality and not so much about converting Jing into Chi and Gary's condensing breathing really did it for me in a big way.