Songtsan Posted July 4, 2013 I'm glad you care. One less thing I have in common with you or anyone else it seems. What's taking me so long to become a serial killer hahaa ^__^ I also spent time planning on going on killing sprees - not innocents - enemies like people in the government, etc. Problem was I could never really think of any specific enemies, besides certain ex-politicians who I will not name as I don't want FBI tracking me down...I am way past that phase now though Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted July 4, 2013 Your heart was in the right place to try to help. He's stuck. He wouldn't be coming here if he really didn't care Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted July 4, 2013 Listen, WillingtoListen, out of anyone on this site, I am probably one of the most like you and that could have the best advice...i can only say so much before I end up repeating myself however...you might want to learn to trust someone else besides your own anhedonic mind...if you say you don't give a shit, then don't give a shit by trying out something someone else who has been there has tried. If you don't care, what is there to lose? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flolfolil Posted July 4, 2013 I'm glad you care. One less thing I have in common with you or anyone else it seems. i care, but it just seems to be a just-because type deal. i don't really have a reason to at all, and that is why i contemplating suicide myself. i feel like my caring is conditional and shallow. i hate how fake i see myself as being. Some people seem to genuinely love the world, i am just faking it until i make it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flolfolil Posted July 4, 2013 I am way past that phase now though can't wait to see your responses to my old friend who thinks about the same way when they get back from their longterm suspension from ttb.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WillingToListen Posted July 4, 2013 Actually I almost made it...I had the plastic bag filled with nitrous oxide and a belt tied around my neck, and was lying down on a plastic sheet so that if my body crapped itself in my death my mother wouldn't have to clean up anything. In the last few seconds before I passed out, the nitrous must have escaped, because I didnt black out, and my body freaked out and my arms damn near tore the plastic off by themselves. I went to the same bridge multiple times and counted the number of fence sections to know exactly where to jump - I told my mother I was planning on killing myself, my parole office, and my therapist - you dont talk about killing yourself unless you are serious on either doing it, or you are serious about seeking help - I was in between on a knife edge..closest I ever came in my life...I once had a gun and was about to shoot myself too. And also thought about the whole wrist slicing thing...I am really glad I didnt do it though. If you were going to do it you wouldn't have told anyone in real life, especially anyone who could impede the process. Been cutting for years. Cool. i care, but it just seems to be a just-because type deal. i don't really have a reason to at all, and that is why i contemplating suicide myself. i feel like my caring is conditional and shallow. i hate how fake i see myself as being. Some people seem to genuinely love the world, i am just faking it until i make it. I loved it dearly at a time around the beginning/middle of this spiritual experience, then people/my environment helped change that.I don't know why it's so hard for someone to understand how one simply doesn't see any worth in anything here. I'm sick of this world of illusion, its up and downs, lies and few truths- I just don't care anymore. Freedom doesn't exist anymore, peace will never come, people will never stop killing/discriminating/hating. I don't want to live any longer it hurts, I just exist to have people talk bad about me and keep my mother from thinking im dead. I wish I never wake up tomorrow. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WillingToListen Posted July 4, 2013 Listen, WillingtoListen, out of anyone on this site, I am probably one of the most like you and that could have the best advice...i can only say so much before I end up repeating myself however...you might want to learn to trust someone else besides your own anhedonic mind...if you say you don't give a shit, then don't give a shit by trying out something someone else who has been there has tried. If you don't care, what is there to lose? Maybe not caring is a bad choice of wording. I just want to die because everything here bores me, that should be more direct. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flolfolil Posted July 4, 2013 i only don't kill myself because i don't like fear to control my actions. If i was perfectly happy and still saw no point in living i just might do it though Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted July 4, 2013 can't wait to see your responses to my old friend who thinks about the same way when they get back from their longterm suspension from ttb.... what were they suspended for? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted July 4, 2013 If you were going to do it you wouldn't have told anyone in real life, especially anyone who could impede the process. Been cutting for years. Cool. I loved it dearly at a time around the beginning/middle of this spiritual experience, then people/my environment helped change that.I don't know why it's so hard for someone to understand how one simply doesn't see any worth in anything here. I'm sick of this world of illusion, its up and downs, lies and few truths- I just don't care anymore. Freedom doesn't exist anymore, peace will never come, people will never stop killing/discriminating/hating. I don't want to live any longer it hurts, I just exist to have people talk bad about me and keep my mother from thinking im dead. I wish I never wake up tomorrow. Actually the reason I told my mother was to seek her understanding so that if I did do it, she would understand ahead of time - i also wrote suicide notes and taped them to the outside door of my bedroom the night I was trying with the bag over my head. Yes, I wasn't all the way there yet, but I was damn close...the tipping point was near. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted July 4, 2013 Maybe not caring is a bad choice of wording. I just want to die because everything here bores me, that should be more direct. I know - I understand - I prayed for death from any source a hundred thousand times...its kind of like shit or get off the pot - you know by now that you aren't going to kill yourself, just like you told me. So if you know you aren't going to do it - quit ruminating on it and start fixing your life. I am willing to design a game plan for you that includes nutritional supplements, the right drugs to take (and stop taking the wrong ones), exercise, life habit changes, the works..I am offering you my time and commitment and years of training in everything health related. I have the equivalent of a doctorate in natural health and healing modalities. I am no bullshitter - I am a true healer mind-genie. Its almost all I have ever studied. The choice is yours. I will not pursue you any longer, as I think I have made my point. You deserve to give yourself the chance to thrive, whether you feel like it or not - know that it is within your grasp, should you simply stretch out your will. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WillingToListen Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) I once saw some buddha at the gaspump video or something on youtube and the guy on there had gone through a full awakening, and one of the points he pressed throughout the duration of the interview was that "a full-awakening" is in no shape or form compatible with modern society ^__^ Everything's a lie, I want to die. Edited July 4, 2013 by WillingToListen 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WillingToListen Posted July 4, 2013 i only don't kill myself because i don't like fear to control my actions. If i was perfectly happy and still saw no point in living i just might do it though ^__^. Cool. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WillingToListen Posted July 4, 2013 I know - I understand - I prayed for death from any source a hundred thousand times...its kind of like shit or get off the pot - you know by now that you aren't going to kill yourself, just like you told me. So if you know you aren't going to do it - quit ruminating on it and start fixing your life. I am willing to design a game plan for you that includes nutritional supplements, the right drugs to take (and stop taking the wrong ones), exercise, life habit changes, the works..I am offering you my time and commitment and years of training in everything health related. I have the equivalent of a doctorate in natural health and healing modalities. I am no bullshitter - I am a true healer mind-genie. Its almost all I have ever studied. The choice is yours. I will not pursue you any longer, as I think I have made my point. You deserve to give yourself the chance to thrive, whether you feel like it or not - know that it is within your grasp, should you simply stretch out your will. But you don't understand. I don't want to fix it anymore. It always breaks and needs fixing- there are no masters. I simply don't want to live any longer. I'm not stupid, I know of nothing else under the sun which I wish to experience. As much senseless killing goes on, whenever there's an a legitimate reason it's never present. Euthanasia is an option aswell, I was just waiting for enough $ to afford to ticket to europe. Stay for what songtsang. I just want to die. Sorry I can't be as content as you and others are with illusion and suffering. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DragonsNectar69k Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) Ugh... The "problem" with western kundalini folks is they fail to see where this energy is coming from. FYI, Kali is apart of the process folks. This is what kundalini does.... This is why most yoga studios are full of mental folks who don't understand what they are doing but simply looking to become "Gods" or obtain powers. The God's don't like this notion of thinking or the fact that people are seeking to pay for such things in the first place. That only feeds the ego. Not to say that the ego is bad, but one can not simply pay for a gnosis. If that was the case, the whole world COULD be enlightened. I have read plenty of articles of people becoming anhedonic due to kundalini. One needs to read up on the Hindu pantheon if one is practicing K. One needs to become familiar with said Gods their traits and one definitely needs to pray for guidance and assistance as there are plenty of spiritual gifts, siddhis, and abilities that one can garner if one has a 'sound' practice. Not saying that K is not worth it, but every teacher has their own way of teaching. I have read of yogins who have experienced utter-nothingness by the Goddess showing them and it garnered further wisdom and a deeper realization. Many of things man worries about, means NOTHING. This nothingness can be intruding on one's ego and sense of self. It tends to slap people in the face when they realize that they themselves are not the center of the world or the universe, nor do they need to be. The gratitude man has before K is usually less compared to what man will find gratitude after K. K practices will open things up and allow one to fill that they are beyond expansion and can never be full or cause one to want to die. This sense of expanse is over bearing and belittling for said persons ego. K practices WILL humble you in the long run. Kali is the destroyer of worlds, becareful what you wish for. There are no free lunches, even if the ego believes that there is. There is only unconditional love. And unconditional will always come before love in this case. Edited July 5, 2013 by DragonsNectar69k 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DragonsNectar69k Posted July 5, 2013 When she is stifled, she gets REAL MAD!!!!!! Then she EXPLODES!!! and you might get hurt, like feel bioelectricity running up your spine, or you even get weird sensations like flowers coming out of your ears (Tinnitus ) These are called suppressed energy cycles. The suppressed energy builds up and starts tearing up your system, stopping you from having fun. If your a male, most of the time this energy will cause you to acknowledge your female side. Most of the time K will cause the mind to be extremely open to experiencing new things. This can be dangerous for some time, until one has grown into this new state of awareness and has found what they are looking for. Whatever that might be. I have felt this bioelectricty up my spine before, but it wasn't from K. Any time you start energy practices, your going to start clearing certain things out of your field of consciousness. Those who subscribed to Taoist practices, refer to a pipe that needs cleaning. Past lives, etc. As for the ears, read up on the Buddhist Ear or clairaudience for more info on that topic. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gendao Posted July 5, 2013 Stay for what songtsang. I just want to die. Sorry I can't be as content as you and others are with illusion and suffering. If you experience non-duality, the illusion of "you" will "disappear"...in effect, the death of "you." Who here has experienced that yet? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flolfolil Posted July 5, 2013 Who here has experienced that yet? Not really full experience of it, but i have had some really scary episodes that the only explanation for them is non duality Have also experienced forgetting crucial parts of my reality momentarily i don't think the realization of these things is the most important part, but what you do with it. This kind of knowledge can and will drive people insane if they don't know how to handle it, which i don't. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) Not really full experience of it, but i have had some really scary episodes that the only explanation for them is non duality Have also experienced forgetting crucial parts of my reality momentarily i don't think the realization of these things is the most important part, but what you do with it. This kind of knowledge can and will drive people insane if they don't know how to handle it, which i don't. It all just is. isness. Suchness. No 'I' ness. Yes 'I' ness. Same game, different flame. Edited July 5, 2013 by Songtsan Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flolfolil Posted July 5, 2013 No 'I' ness. Yes 'I' ness My unity experiences tend to have a lot of "I-ness" It is like there is nothing but me, everyone and everything is me. Complete with my ego and all my problems... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted July 5, 2013 My unity experiences tend to have a lot of "I-ness" It is like there is nothing but me, everyone and everything is me. Complete with my ego and all my problems... 'I'ness='Isness' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flolfolil Posted July 5, 2013 ah well, my statement still stands Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted July 5, 2013 ah well, my statement still stands Standing = isness too! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flolfolil Posted July 5, 2013 i guess i will have to sit down then D: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
