Loving oneself

[CrunchyChocolate555]

How does one love oneself? What if one has an irrational fear of being a narcissistist/egoist?

Edited October 14, 2013 by CrunchyChocolate555

[Uroboros]

Many people feel hatred and dislike towards their self. Its not really that surprising considering how many times we are shown/ taught that who we are is not enough. That what we want it not as important as what others want for us.

 

That is one of my big trials/ hurdles...I dont have any answers for you, since I have not gotten over that hump my self.

 

What I can say is that the only way I have gotten anywhere in this sort of work is by going into the "pain".

 

Hiding from it, repressing it, ignoring it, hating it.....Never get me anywhere.

 

Acceptance and a willingness to feel and learn, to let go of, has helped me work thru allot.

 

Sometimes we must go into the deep, dark cave or else we will never find the treasure chest.

 

Peace.

[Tom Lin]

- Get to to know yourself, intimately. No strings attached.

 

- Do the things that resonates with your heart.

 

- Letting go of unhealthy patterns (relationships, mindsets, habits etc.)

 

- Loving every part of yourself, past and present.

 

- Always trusting yourself, your actions and decisions.

 

- Healing yourself from trauma, forgiveness of yourself first and then others. Understanding the bigger picture. (letting go of the past is so important...traumatic events are in essence what keep people on a mental, spiritual, and physical lockdown.)

 

 

They sound pretty simple, but to put them into practice is definitely an arduous task. Less doing and more being. Just be with yourself and let your spirit + intuition take you on a graceful journey without the assessment of what has happened of what will happen. Follow your hearts bliss.

[thelerner]

How does one love oneself? What if one has an irrational fear of being a narcissistist/egoist?

 

That's something I'm really struggling with right now. I just realized most of the problems I've been recently have stemmed from an active hatred towards myself and I didn't even know it!

I think you 'love yourself' the same way you 'love' a best friend. You know their foibles and problems but you hang out and sympathize with them anyway. Love doesn't mean you think you're great, sometimes it means benevolent understanding and caring.

[Colonel Goji]

For me loving myself is very much related to my self-esteem.

 

Buddhist or not, please don't assume these videos are meant to offer insight to Buddhists only, they are meant to offer insight to anyone, but check out Ajahn Brahm's videos on the BuddhistSocietyWA youtube channel, here is one of his talks titled "No Self-Esteem".

Edited August 7, 2013 by Colonel Goji

[de_paradise]

I've always had trouble understanding what people meant by loving oneself. I cannot direct love towards this batch of qualities and historical actions known as me, I can only direct it outward. Maybe I've always understood "me" as a function of my surroundings and programming, so there really is no point to getting emotional about "me" in some kind of detached observer way. Maybe I'm just dumb.

[Marblehead]

I love me.

 

Getting there is a very long road and it is a different road for each. Too many variables to be able to generalize.

[Unseen_Abilities]

-

Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[kevin_wallbridge]

How does one love oneself? What if one has an irrational fear of being a narcissistist/egoist?

 

Sometimes something as simple as a re-framing of the words is a place to start. Perhaps instead of self-love (which does sound like something else) you could consider compassion. If you are cultivating compassion then including compassion for yourself may feel less narcissistic. You don't even need to like yourself to have compassion for your frailties and foibles. Everything alive deserves some compassion just for having to endure the struggle, or so it seems to me.

[Flolfolil]

You don't need to love yourself, but it helps to not hate yourself

[Uroboros]

I was thinking more on this and I had a thought. As one does. Hah.

 

What do you think of as your self? We can generalize and say, I hate my self..what is the self we are hating?

 

I know in my case, its not ALL of what makes up my identity, my self.

 

It is various aspects that I feel hatred towards. Fears, weaknesses, pain, opinions of others I took on as my own, failures etc.

 

Heck, there is even pain going WAY back to when I was an infant/ child.

 

Such as when my Grandmother died when I was 5, there is a feeling of - it was my fault.

 

How I got that opinion/ feeling? Who knows! Its still there.

 

By knowing it is there, I can...become aware of its existence within me. Watch it play out, see the threads of its existence/ workings internally.

 

That does seem to help me work thru/ release emotions.

 

When you dont know, you dont know, much harder to do anything.

 

Peace.

[C T]

Being true to your potential is not an egotistical endeavor.

 

Narcissism arise and take root when someone begins to project non-existent images, status and ideals on themselves and then imagine that others see them in light of these non-existent 'qualities'.

 

Self-love is not the same since its foundation is based on truth, understanding and acceptance.

 

Truth overcomes irrationality and ignorance.

Understanding overcomes the burden of fear.

Acceptance nurtures compassion and wisdom.

 

It takes guts to allow these gems to shine in oneself.

[Unseen_Abilities]

-

Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[C T]

How can you tell when you're doing that, if you're the one doing it?

I guess the first vital thing to do is to develop the desire to become brutally honest with oneself, which is based on self-love key no. 1 (facing the Truth about self).

 

However, since this is very tough work which could make heavy demands on facing up to deep issues, fears, and so on, its often shirked by those prone to narcissistic tendencies. I suppose such an unpleasant exercise would be the very last thing for them to even remotely consider doing.

 

I am also guessing that the second vital thing to do would be to learn mindfulness, followed by learning more about developing emotional intelligence. With mindful attention, those areas which require polishing with emotional intelligence can be clearly identified, and then practically addressed. Mindfulness practice also helps one to practice how to be consciously deliberate as a means to overcome impulsiveness, which is one primary weakness common in those with narcissistic tendencies and one which often triggers a whole bunch of other habitual responses.

 

Narcissistic people often deny taking responsibility for the way they are. Thinking back to many years ago (in my mid 20s), i can see that i exhibited quite a lot of the traits associated with narcissism, and the denial of responsibility back then was frightening! It was an impossibility to even consider that there was any weakness in me at all, and that whatever issues would arise would always be the fault of others or instigated by others.

 

Some of my friends have mentioned they have found Daniel Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ to be very insightful. Might be a good place to start?

 

 

(apologies for the long-windedness)

[Unseen_Abilities]

-

Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[Uroboros]

T.S. - If you put energy into something, its going to affect it. The thing is, how do you go about it?

 

What is your intent? That seems to matter quite a bit.

 

Are you contemplating your various aspects of self to find the core? Looking to understand?

 

Or just affirming that the words are true?

 

Also, who will think your traits are highly undesirable? Do YOU think they are? Better yet, do you FEEL they are?

 

If you can penetrate your internal world with enough fine tuned sensitivity, you can start to see where it comes from and what its made of.

 

You can understand it. You may realize that a thing, a word, a part of you, is really good and then you just suddenly, in that realization, drop the pain around it.

 

Can you accept your self, completely? Thats really hard, at times.

 

You may want to consider a few things.

 

1- is it true? Look at statistics and look at the world around you. Say, if you feel you are ugly and unlovable. Are there people who are "uglier" then you who are loved? Are there people who love you now?

 

If you can find those things, then its not true.

 

2- Is this thing something you want to change? Such as, you think you are fat/ unhealthy and feel bad about your condition.

 

Do you want to change that? Can you change it?

 

3- how vital is this part of your self to your Self? If this thought pattern/ emotion dissapeared, was let go, would you still exist? Do you NEED it?

 

4- do you want to change your self or accept your self? You can go the path of mindfulness and just let these things play out with equanimity.

 

Or you can change your self to be who you want to be.

 

 

They are both great paths, I feel. I have used both. I feel they each have their own time and place. As do others.

 

The point I am trying to make is that if you are still vague and grasping at smoke concerning the inner workings of your mind/ self, its may be hard for you to make much progress.

 

It may also not matter at all! hah

 

Peace.

[hydrogen]

This guy practice Tao.

 

[Unseen_Abilities]

-

Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[C T]

Uroboros,

 

It's generally always been a trait of mine to penetrate areas of strong interest deeply - Sometimes this has been to my detriment (for example, drug use) but is also a blessing (in the case of my beliefs and so on about myself). What I'm saying is that I've done more work on my psyche than my earlier post may have led you to believe (I actually woke up about half an hour ago with the thought "Man, I am, literally, a completely different person to the guy I was a few years ago") though maybe I could have worded it more good

 

My intent would be close to "contemplating my various aspects of self to find the core. Looking to understand."

 

 

Thank you.

Great stuff, well done!

[Uroboros]

T.S. - Fantastic!

 

Im glad you have done so much work. It does make things go...a bit smoother if you have a certain level of self understanding.

 

A sensitivity to your inner workings.

 

Hehe, my posts were not just for you and others, they are a good reminder to my self!! HAH!

 

I know I need to follow my own advice. hehe.

 

Ahh, the core....Ive spent some time on that one.

 

Its very illusive, which I find enjoyable. Its always there yet never quite there.

 

Its like grasping at smoke. You have it but you dont have it.

 

Atleast, thats how it is for me in my current state. That too, will change.

 

For some people self love is simple. for others, they must put forth effort to cultivate it.

 

I figure, if we keep going, stay open to new possibilities, we will get somewhere good!

 

Getting stuck is a big one, though.

 

In my own experience, keeping and expansive mind, in such a way that you can look at all possibilities seriously, helps allot.

 

Maybe that might help you.

 

Peace!

[Gypsy]

How does one love oneself? What if one has an irrational fear of being a narcissistist/egoist?

 

That's something I'm really struggling with right now. I just realized most of the problems I've been recently have stemmed from an active hatred towards myself and I didn't even know it!

Full of light, and full of delight--so full that you start overflowing. Then love is known as the greatest perfection of the world. It is never less, and never more. But our upbringing is so neurotic, so psychologically sick that it destroys all possibilities of inner growth. We are taught at the very beginning to be a perfectionist, and then naturally you go on applying your perfectionist ideas to everything, even to love.

 

Love is a spiritual experience--nothing to do with sexes and nothing to do with bodies, but something to do with the inner most being. But you have not even entered into your own temple. You don't know at all who you are, and you are trying to find out how to love better. First, be thyself; first, know thyself, and love will come as a reward. It is a reward from the beyond. It showers on you, fills your being. And it continues and brings with it a tremendous longing to share. Love is a shadow of alertness, of consciousness. Be more conscious breathing moment to moment, and love will come as you become more conscious, mindfully. It comes when those who are ready and prepared to receive it. When Love comes for the first time and fills your being you are absolutely overwhelmed and mystified. You don't know what is happening. You know your heart is dancing, you'll know fragrances that you have never known before. Say for instance; carnation fragrances, without the carnation present. Jesus says "God is love". Love of it's creation-Life-ing, as it is. even if consciousness observes 'good-bad', this is it's creative imaginary creation. Not on a human selfish love-choosing this or that. But as a Wholeness for Life- Love.

[hydrogen]

You know your heart is dancing, you'll know fragrances that you have never known before. Say for instance; carnation fragrances, without the carnation present.

 

How often does this happen to you? Thanks.

[roger]

Hi CC555. I have a few ideas you might find helpful.

 

Try repeating the affirmation, "I love and respect myself, I accept myself as I am."

 

This will help you because you're making an INTENTION to love yourself by the very act of repeating this affirmation.

 

The truth is you ALREADY KNOW how to love yourself, you have simply "forgotten" what you already know in your heart. Repeating this affirmation will help you tap into that knowledge.

 

Also, know that you are an infinitely beautiful, worthy, lovable, divine, and glorious being. You are a manifestation of God/Tao/Buddha Nature, however you want to put it.

 

To get this knowledge from your head to your heart, you can repeat "I am...." affirmations.

 

Examples are:

 

I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am holy. I am divine. I am wonderful.

 

Self-hatred has to do with a NEGATIVE view of yourself. So these kinds of affirmations can help you tremendously.

 

I hope that helps.

[三江源]

Those are incredibly powerful affirmations, Roger, if one lets them in.

 

being part of God, included in divinity.. is a great way into self acceptance and to bridge that sense of isolation that comes with feeling unsure of one's worth / value /place.

 

no separation

Edited August 17, 2013 by cat

[Gypsy]

How often does this happen to you? Thanks.

So far a dozen or so. And, like i said; be open and receive without much concern. First couple of times, mind might want to pursue it, try to make sense of it. Mind's main purpose-goal is to create order out of chaos. In this case, it's not so much chaos, it's the fact of order there might be a hidden meaning beyond the flower fragrant.