...

[Marblehead]

Don't worry. You can start over again

That was my understanding when I was young. I never felt I did it perfectly so I had to practice over and over again.

[mjjbecker]

I had sex...I kind of forgot about the precepts and speculation I had held and just automatically seized the moment...it was just sex. It was just a thing, like hunger, or sleep, or anything else...I'm all for eliminating obsessions in life.

 

 

1. Just tell me you did practice safe sex.

2. That's right, don't obsess, don't analyse it.

[SonOfTheGods]

*clears throat*

 

You guys are gonna think I'm crazy, as per the title of this thread, but....

 

After doing some deep thinking on comments made earlier...I had sex with a female partner. (Not kidding). I'm still sort of reeling / in shock from this, because two months ago I would have lacked the confidence or belief in myself to be able to find one. But the energy had to go somewhere I guess. The events leading up to it and the actual thing itself happened in a total of one day and a night. When it became clear to me through our dialogue that it could happen, I kind of forgot about the precepts and speculation I had held and just automatically seized the moment. I tried not even to think about self-confidence as being relevant at all; if another had seen me worthy of her company, then what my perceptions were were irrelevant.

 

In retrospect I can't really say whether it was a mistake or not. I guess I always sort of knew that for someone my age, over two years of celibacy was a rather impractical, if prudish goal. On the other hand, I'm sort of aware of both a new depth and shallowness to sexuality. I don't really feel like any more of a man than I did before, perhaps there is a bit more self confidence, but I guess I feel like...it was just sex. It was just a thing, like hunger, or sleep, or anything else. There was pleasure, yes, but like anything else, it may have been able to be better expressed or experienced if the needs on each person's part were better understood. I put my partner first and was not selfish, but for something of this nature it is hard to get it completely right the first time.

 

I did have a chance to do a mild degree of energy retention/cultivation during the experience, but again, it would have been more controllable if not as spontaneous an encounter.

 

Not sure what to think here, though. In some ways I feel relieved and opened, in other ways I sense a greater responsibility and deepness to life. I don't really crave sex anymore than I did before, it's just that the "breaking in" sense is gone, and to be honest, I'm all for eliminating obsessions in life. Thoughts?

 

"not this, not that"

 

cycle, repeat

 

what's best about being alive? always another chance to do it again - whether it be good, or bad