Tao of Intimate Relationships

[futuredaze]

Hey there. After being mostly single for a few years, I have recently met a really down-to-earth, intelligent, and beautiful girl.

 

There is some magic to our interactions. For instance, I got her number when I was grocery shopping at her work (something I never did before) and then we planned to meet up. The book she was reading in the coffee shop we first met at was none other than the Tao te Ching. That's just the start...

 

Anyway, I feel very drawn to her, but there is a negative side to that. Sometimes, I feel insecure around her (normally quite confidant), I get jealous when she mentions other guys, etc. It is strange, I've been in other intimate relationships, and had this come up, but never this strong. I am normally able to deal with these reactions skillfully, but it upsets me that they even arise.

 

I know that time will enable things to unfold as they should. That being said, I still seek advice. I like being intimate with her but at the same time I also am appalled that such animalistic thoughts can be so prevalent in my own head. Can I get rid of them through insight and meditation or will I just have to be ready to deal with them? I don't always get this way around her, by the way. However it is often enough for me to write a post here about it.

 

How does Tao fit in with intimate relationships? How can you love someone on all levels without getting addicted or possessive? It does not make sense logically, yet evolutionarily, it seems humans are wired to want sex and love, and the addiction to sex and love gets us addicted to people as a side-effect. I do not want to mess this relationship up, but at the same time, trying to hard will probably mess it up the most. In some ways, breaking it off now seems like a good idea, but in many other ways, I think it can flourish if I give it some time and self-discipline. If I was a Buddhist I would probably break it off, but since I am a Taoist... I dunno yet. Heh

 

Appreciate the time taken to read this. Please respond either by answering the questions or however else seems relevant/helpful.

Edited October 5, 2013 by futuredaze

[thelerner]

I don't have a Taoist answer but sometimes in the tumbling ball of love and lust we seem to imprint on another. The thought of them, the feeling as you approach them, throws you off kilter, makes your hair stand on end. Such an endorphin powered high can last for months. It can be wonderful, dangerous and Pavlovian.

 

Its also a flame that can get too hot and burn itself off. Riding it out and giving the other person space can move it into a nice simmer stage where. Where you can be more separate and regain control of your thoughts and life and a solid relationship can build. I don't think it should be fought or broken off unless its unhealthy. We usually look back on such infatuations and early loves as a very special time in our life.

Edited October 5, 2013 by thelerner

[Flolfolil]

wow, you met a nice person that shares your unconventional interests?

 

you don't find many of those.

[mjjbecker]

Hey there. After being mostly single for a few years, I have recently met a really down-to-earth, intelligent, and beautiful girl.

 

There is some magic to our interactions. For instance, I got her number when I was grocery shopping at her work (something I never did before) and then we planned to meet up. The book she was reading in the coffee shop we first met at was none other than the Tao te Ching. That's just the start...

 

Anyway, I feel very drawn to her, but there is a negative side to that. Sometimes, I feel insecure around her (normally quite confidant), I get jealous when she mentions other guys, etc. It is strange, I've been in other intimate relationships, and had this come up, but never this strong. I am normally able to deal with these reactions skillfully, but it upsets me that they even arise.

 

I know that time will enable things to unfold as they should. That being said, I still seek advice. I like being intimate with her but at the same time I also am appalled that such animalistic thoughts can be so prevalent in my own head. Can I get rid of them through insight and meditation or will I just have to be ready to deal with them? I don't always get this way around her, by the way. However it is often enough for me to write a post here about it.

 

How does Tao fit in with intimate relationships? How can you love someone on all levels without getting addicted or possessive? It does not make sense logically, yet evolutionarily, it seems humans are wired to want sex and love, and the addiction to sex and love gets us addicted to people as a side-effect. I do not want to mess this relationship up, but at the same time, trying to hard will probably mess it up the most. In some ways, breaking it off now seems like a good idea, but in many other ways, I think it can flourish if I give it some time and self-discipline. If I was a Buddhist I would probably break it off, but since I am a Taoist... I dunno yet. Heh

 

Appreciate the time taken to read this. Please respond either by answering the questions or however else seems relevant/helpful.

 

Less thinking, more 'listening'. Live the experience in all its glory. Revel in the spontaneity and allow your attachments and expectations to come and to go.

 

'Animalistic thoughts'...and, so what's wrong with that? If 'The Way' is about following nature, being horny is certainly part of it. Nothing wrong with that. Again, its being attached to something rather than letting it come (pun intended) and go.

 

Oh, and for ****s sake, dude, get down on your knees and thank the Dao, Heaven, God, Fate and everything you can for the blessing you have received. Spare some thoughts for this lovely lady, and think about what you can GIVE HER, not just what YOU can get.

[futuredaze]

Thanks for the feedback. I was questioning whether or not I should even have posted this, once I started typing. Didn't know if it would be worth it. Now I know it is.

[liminal_luke]

Hi Futuredaze,

 

I think it would be worthwhile to take some time to explore these feelings. Perhaps journal. If nothing else, the relationship is bringing up stuff for you that you can look at,stuff that might help you grow as a person. And that's what relationships are supposed to do IMHO-- so it's working. Spending time with your feelings might or might not help you get closer to her, but it will certainly help you get closer to yourself.

 

Also, spending time paying attention to what the relationship is bringing up for you puts you in the best possible position to cultivate the kind of intimate relationship I'm guessing you want. Assuming you two decide to continue exploring together, what would you like your togetherness to feel like? I'm sure you don't want to be jealous, or insecure, or addicted. And if you do feel that way chances are your togetherness isn't going to feel so good to her either, at least not in the long term.

 

I think the kind of practices people talk about on taobums are useful for relationships. If you do a practice that clears out chi blockages that helps. If you do a practice that centers you that certainly helps. Any practice that gets you in touch with you is bound to help.

 

Really though, sometimes life itself is the practice. And perhaps never so much as when one is beginning a new relationship. It sounds like you are paying attention to your feelings. I'd keep doing that.

 

My two cents.

 

Liminal

[futuredaze]

Liminal, thank you for the advice! It sounds so simple but you are totally right about explicitly writing down the intentions. Although I have thought them over in my head, I have yet to try to intentionally map it out.

 

I agree that a new relationship is often a powerful example of Taoist principles. Friendships, over time, can become familiar the point of repeated roles, patterns, etc. However, new relationships and any novel experience in general, shakes the psyche a bit. It can be exhilirating in ways like roller coasters or sometimes it is more akin to getting hit with a frying pan.

 

Peace

Edited October 5, 2013 by futuredaze

[fluidity]

Know your Self

 

Raise your vibration.

From a point of purity it is easy to understand these animalistic impulses.

 

I know your struggle! Raise your vibration and purify your own mind in thought, word and deed. I have realised something about Brahmacharya.

Brahmacharya is spoken of as celibacy, total abstinence from sexual ideation. It is the ultimate form of Nei Gong because you are cultivating 24/7, instant by instant, it is effortless. The reality of nature transpires instantly and immediately. Your psychic powers are seen to be Real, and what is more is that it is incredible how much power a thinking human agent has over Reality. All the things you see in Nei Gong videos - the telekinesis, and so on - consider this: it is the Light which is causing all such actions. The person is merely being a conduit for it to pass through and act. No different to a lightning rod but I guess you could say the Nei Gong master is the entire cloud, mountain, river, ocean.

It transpires that all of us have been doing Nei Gong to level 72 all along. And if you are scared of the power of Nei Gong masters then look no further to the state of the Earth at this time and realise that Nei Gong masters who do not call themselves Nei Gong masters have already been running the show, and they have not really been helping!

In fact Brahmacharya is above and beyond celibacy alone. It is absorption into Love for the Creator. Imagine every single person or object or 'thing' you have ever seen, each exist as a tulpa or thought-form in your mind-heart - an impression.

 

Sexuality is a part of Life. The idea of running away from sexuality is also a complete illusion. But there is a proper way of doing it, and an improper way of doing it. The proper way is free of hurt. The improper way is unfortunately rampant through the world and has led to the idea that sexuality is suffering.

 

Then now is the question: for which of these thought-forms is your Love the greatest? The thought-form of the Self, is the only one which merges with The Self due to its nature of Self-resonance. When you turn your Love unto Divine Love, and say to yourself, "as much as I love this being, I love the source of beingness more" then something magical happens.

 

Then the Love for the Source, overpowers any and all impurities in the mind, irrespective of what they are and how strong they are. The tendencies fade off into the faint distance. Then a second thing becomes apparent and manifest! When you shine Love to the Self, then the Self shall reveal OneSelf through the female! This has the benefit of breaking down many ideas or considerations about the Self in the process because you are learning experientially.

Turning towards Divine Love is easier than you think. Place your mind higher in the heavens. Place yourself ahead of time looking back. Use your neocortex. You know the game of walking down the street and watching the hotties? You know how you "next" the ones you do not like as much? Well, "next" everyone and everything. God is a hottie! The hottest of the hot, the beautifulest of them all! Let's put it that way. Don't believe me? Stare at the sun for a bit

Emptiness, Form. Without space, no objects. Look at objects, you forget space. Look at space, see objects and space. In one, you are blind. In the other, you See.


These jealousies are there for a reason. When you approach relationship in a wholesome fashion they will fade and disappear. Between you and the other person, the halfway point is gentleness. This is what makes Love genuine: if there is no gentleness, you neither being gentle to the other person but actually, consider this: you are not being gentle to yourself! This is the nature of gentleness: it is easy to overlook yourself in the process - then you are being harsh to others. It is easy to overlook others in the process - then you are being harsh to yourself!

Raise your vibration. When you recognise your Self as both the male and the female, and You being the Witness in between both, who is both yet beyond both, then the path free of suffering manifests itself and all that is left is to walk.




The female orbits around the male. She will not move ahead of you. You give her all permission to move or act towards you. Keep in mind the intricacies and subtleties of your actions, and movements, body language, tonality, posture. Whether she knows it or not, she can see straight through you, even the aspects you think you hide from yourself.

Raise your vibration.

Edited October 5, 2013 by fluidity

[Tom Lin]

All of your relationships are meant to reflect something about you. So if you manifest negative feelings such as possession towards her that that is revealing a certain insecurity about you that you need to go within and resolve.

 

Thats what all relationships are on a divine level. A mirror that guides you back to yourself.

[RiverSnake]

If she says certain things that bother you then let her know (address such things gently but directly), feelings we suppress only become stronger and ball up within until they explode and cause serious fractures in your relationships with companions....at the same time address those insecurities through internal work. One should not be purely static in your approach to any problem.

 

My 2 cents, Peace

[suninmyeyes]

...

 

How does Tao fit in with intimate relationships? How can you love someone on all levels without getting addicted or possessive? It does not make sense logically, yet evolutionarily, it seems humans are wired to want sex and love, and the addiction to sex and love gets us addicted to people as a side-effect.

...

You are clearly being shown what to refine and work with , you seem know it already .

 

Being human is not a matter being purley logical . No , no -- there are inner hurricanes , earthquakes , frozen lakes , deserts ,wild fires etc. -- the whole universe ..that makes us who we are .

 

Anyway she sounds nice , good luck to you both !

Edited October 5, 2013 by suninmyeyes

[doc benway]

I'd simply reinforce something already pointed out with perhaps a slight twist.

Avoid the tendency to label and categorize this wonderful person.

It's very subtle but we are doing it constantly.

Over time, we tend to reduce the people in our lives into a conglomerate of our memories, assumptions, expectation, projections.... all rolled up to form an image.

And we relate to our image of the person rather than the person.

Since this relationship is very fresh, you probably haven't gone too far down that path yet.

Be aware of this tendency and, instead, look at her with fresh eyes and ears and an open mind and heart always.

[futuredaze]

All these amazing insights and opinions are really helpful. I was feeling kind of unsure not only of this relationship before, but myself. I don't really know why, I think I am used to finding out that things I am attached to deeply are not worth it or I lose them fast. Time will loosen my attachments, and I am confidant I will not lose her, since we both have really strong feelings for each other.

 

It reminds me of the quote "to catch a beautiful bird, you must become the sky." I am normally quite sky, but her sheer awesomeness brought out the egoic bird-catcher in me. Must go back to being the sky....

 

much love <3

[Tom Lin]

All these amazing insights and opinions are really helpful. I was feeling kind of unsure not only of this relationship before, but myself. I don't really know why, I think I am used to finding out that things I am attached to deeply are not worth it or I lose them fast. Time will loosen my attachments, and I am confidant I will not lose her, since we both have really strong feelings for each other.

 

It reminds me of the quote "to catch a beautiful bird, you must become the sky." I am normally quite sky, but her sheer awesomeness brought out the egoic bird-catcher in me. Must go back to being the sky....

 

much love <3

 

 

Yup.

 

Why would you want to imprison something that is so beautiful to you? If you truly did love her then you would want to set her free from the chains of attachment...

[futuredaze]

I am more confidant now after being with her again. I had some negative thoughts arise, but I was able to easily drown them out by focusing my awareness on something positive in the present. Not reacting to thoughts is powerful, which pretty much fixes the problem. In time, after the infatuation simmers down, I think the thoughts will less prevalent.

 

Much thanks.