Need Help and Advice

[timelessness]

Not sure if this is the appropriate place, but here it goes. If you want to move it, no problem.

 

I have been masturbating for as long as I remember. I have faced humiliation because of masturbation. I have had the most beautiful girls in the world want to have sex with me. But instead of pursuing them, I always hid inside room and masturbated. Some of these girls went to lengths to disrespect me because they felt disrespected by my not responding to them. At one point, I even thought that I was gay. I had sex with a couple of gay guys and got blowjobs. But at the end of it I was never satisfied. I knew that this wasn't what I wanted. I learned about semen retention so I tried several methods to overcome addiction to masturbation. I went for around 130 days once. I kid you not, I started feeling like a man. I wanted to have sex with women. But having been disrespected by several women is not nice. It stays on your mind for long time. Its a very guilty feeling. She wanted you to do it, but you were not man enough to do her. And she went with somebody else. This is a really guilty feeling.

 

However I did get a chance to have sex with a couple of really slutty girls who I didn't really even care about. and honestly I liked it much better than any of the gay experiences I have ever had or all of them put together. I don't want to masturbate again. and I want to experience sex and love with a woman or many women. But my previous sexual history is messy. I don't know if I should tell the next girl I meet about all this. I don't know if I should be worried about it. Can somebody help me? Would you be worried about telling her or no? I don't really care about this. This is the truth. I wouldn't hide it if she asks me, but do I need to tell her beforehand?

Edited November 18, 2013 by timelessness

[RiverSnake]

Never tell a girl about this.....never, nothing beneficial will come from this, if you need someone to talk to share it with a close friend or a psychotherapist. These kinds of emotional and psychological wounds can run pretty deep and can take awhile to dig out and dissolve. I assume your young like me....early 20s and have your whole life ahead of you and lots of time on your hands?

 

I can make several recommendations.

 

1. Practice Internal Work, this will be very beneficial in the long term...ie.....years.

 

2. Get a copy of Magical Pathworking....working with the subconscious mind to get over wounds like this is very powerful and this book teaches you how to do so, chapters 1-4 are especially important.

 

3. Find a good psychotherapist to talk to.

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0738704075/ref=cm_cr_ryp_prd_img_sol_0

 

 

My 2 cents, Peace

Edited November 18, 2013 by OldChi

[Jetsun]

Sounds like you are worrying too much and overthinking things. I wouldn't bother telling anyone your personal history unless its a professional, many people have sexual issues and intimacy hangups and messy sexual history, welcome to the human race at this time you are hardly

alone. Everyone is working through their issues which usually bloom in our personal relationships so you can't expect to get it all clean and perfect from the start unless you are a karma free being like a saint. But there is no need to hang it all around your neck like a weight of guilt bringing you down.

[timelessness]

Thank you for your replies, guys. I guess I am worried too much about it. Whatever has happened in the past has happened I guess. I just wanted to make sure that there were no moral issues involved in this.

[Seeker of Wisdom]

It doesn't sound like you've done anything immoral, and I don't think it would be lying or hiding stuff to not tell a girl upfront about your history of masturbation issues, trying gay sex, retaining, then having a few meaningless sexual encounters. That last item is fairly standard these days anyway.

 

You're worried about whether or not to divulge your history at the start because on some level you feel that your history is shameful, and it would be wrong to hide the ugly truth about yourself - but you haven't hurt anyone, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Whatever anyone does or doesn't do sexually is nothing for them to be ashamed of, if it is consensual and nobody is harmed.

 

What you say upfront is "I'm looking for a serious relationship", and of course be open about your history if it does come up.

 

You seem a decent guy, and any girl worth your time would rate you on that, not your past, and will respect your honesty.

[soaring crane]

I agree, overthinking, too much anxiety over nothing. Your story isn't very remarkable at all, to be honest. And you're not particularly weird. You want to meet weird? I can introduce you to ppl who make you look like Clark Kent.

 

If you find a girl (how old are you btw?) who loves you, and who you really love, you can talk about anything. And since this weighs so heavily on your mind, I'd say you almost have to to talk about it. If you suppress it, it'll come out in other, less pleasurable ways. You can phrase it like you're talking about your past, before you met her.

 

Doesn't apply to casual sexual contacts, of course ...

[juliank]

Echo the sentiments here about not saying a word to any prospective partner about your psycho/sexual issues.

 

These should be worked out in solitude via meditation and if necessary with a psychotherapist.

 

It sounds to me like you need a long period of purification. Both internal and external.

 

I think retention if done mindfully can be of great assistance, if done simply as a way to cover up your issues could be harmful.

 

As far as wanting to engage in relations with women, I recommend working on cultivation so that you can attract the type of

person that would help your development not hinder it.

[timelessness]

I feel like if a girl pursued me, she spent time, I hurt her if I don't respond. Especially if she tries multiple times. I am 28 years old. Imagine how many girls. But there were only really a couple of them who I really feel bad about.

 

I went through a period of mad depression. I didn't know why I was the way I was until the memory of me having been molested as a child came to my mind. I had repressed it. But my constant shame about my sexuality was a result of me having been humiliated as a child. This made me very anti-social and shy person. Girls use to love me because I look good. I have a nicely built body. But I never managed to muster up the courage to even say no to them. I would just stare at them. And whenever they stared me back I use to lower my head no knowing what to say.

 

I guess this thought that you had girls chasing you and you didn't do anything about it weighs heavy on me. I just need to get over it.

[juliank]

It bothers you that girls chased you but you didnt respond ? Why does it bother you ? Does it bother you because you hurt them or because you missed out on an opportunity for sex ?

 

Either way you should not feel guilty or have any remorse. If girls chase you and you dont respond, that's the nature of life and romance. Do you know how many people get their romantic advances rejected every day ? It's part of being human.

 

As far as missed opportunities for sex, thats even less of a reason to feel remorse. That's like being remorseful for not getting drunk one night many moons ago.

 

If situations and experiences are not opening you up to self realization they are closing you from realization. Sex is one of those things. Treat it just like that. Ask yourself is this engagement with this person/right now opening me or closing me to realizing myself ? Act from that place and will be well.

[timelessness]

Honestly it sucks that I could have had sex with these girls but didn't. but what bothers me more is that I may have hurt them. I recently had a chance to get hooked up with this girl and marry her... But I freaked out about my history and thought of her finding out about it scared the hell out of me. I really liked her too.

[timelessness]

How do I go about purifying myself internally and externally?

[Jetsun]

How do I go about purifying myself internally and externally?

 

I'm not a fan of that sort of terminology, in your case its probably more useful to think about bringing compassion towards what you are dealing with rather than purifying which suggests there is something wrong within you which needs to be gotten rid of. But some sort of enquiry or meditative method may help you see that the ideas and thoughts you have around what you are dealing with don't have to be taken so seriously.

[BaguaKicksAss]

First of all I have to say, you are being way to hard on yourself. Everyone has stuff they have to deal with, just we all have different stuff. Less beating yourself up over it would be good .

 

I would say that you could mention it lightly to the ladies you are interested in taking things further with. Something along the lines of "yeah I'm really shy, and I have a few things I'm working on with women/sex stuff, so if you are patient with me that would be cool". No reason to go into details unless you are getting pretty serious with someone.

 

Also, anyone who is nasty to you just because you don't respond to them flirting, you wouldn't want to be with anyways!

 

I used to work with folks who were sexually abused as kids; it's really hard on people. I definitely recommend some therapy (free for this sort of thing in most cities if you don't have the extra funds), as it really does help to get past stuff. It is something that definitely takes a lot of work to work through, but definitely can be done. Being patient with yourself and loving yourself no matter what helps too .

 

Best of luck on your path/endeavors.

[BaguaKicksAss]

Honestly it sucks that I could have had sex with these girls but didn't. but what bothers me more is that I may have hurt them. I recently had a chance to get hooked up with this girl and marry her... But I freaked out about my history and thought of her finding out about it scared the hell out of me. I really liked her too.

 

Any girl worth actually marrying would not judge you for your past (most especially considering it is no fault of your own!) Starting off as friends, then when you get to the point of intimacy, being able to share your worries with them could work. If you are up to it that is.

 

How do I go about purifying myself internally and externally?

 

There is one way that is used, it is difficult but it does work. I have seen this in residential treatment, as well as with medical qigong. It is to write a very detailed story about the past occurrence, your feelings about it and so forth. I know we all want to forget these things in our past, but it really does help in the long run. Though I would highly recommend working with a therapist as you are doing this, since sometimes it can get really intense as stuff comes up!

[Lemon_Squeezy]

HI timelessness,

 

YOu sound like a kind-hearted intelligent person. If you focus on your own positive aspects, you may naturally attract the type of person that is right for you at this moment.

 

I would like to share my views.

 

It may be important to differernetiate between sex and lovemaking. Sex is a term for the physical process of intercourse.

 

Love making means making love. Love making should be natural, spontaneous, when it is between two people who genuinely appreciate each other. I know it probably sounds cliched but its true. I believe you are also making love when you stare at a beautiful tree and appreciate it for a moment (with your pants on haha).

 

The are also other ways to experience love, and for me, being in a relationshiop is not the "be-all and end-all". So it might be important to shift your focus in several ways.

 

Also you need to forgive yourself for the past. And let it go.

 

It may not be necessary to worry about when and how you mastrubate or who or how you have sex. If you want to improve your sexual performance, it might be a good idea to avoid consciously ooking at pron or obviously arousing images, unless you fee it is healthy.

 

I hope what I am saying makes sense for you.

 

Best wishes.

ls

Edited November 19, 2013 by Lemon_Squeezy

[roger]

How do I go about purifying myself internally and externally?

 

Timelessness,

 

Self-acceptance.

 

This is the key to healing.

 

You need to forgive yourself for anything you feel guilty or ashamed about, and accept yourself as you are. Self-acceptance is self-forgiveness, and self-forgiveness is how one "remembers" their divine nature.

 

You can do all the spiritual practices you like, but without self-acceptance, you'll never completely purify yourself.

 

Self-acceptance means ACCEPTING all your thoughts and emotions, WITHOUT judging or denying them. Just let them BE. Don't try to FORCE yourself out of them. Just accept them, and know that it's 100% OKAY that you have them. Then they will leave you NATURALLY. This is how healing occurs.

 

You're 100% OKAY, timelessness. There is nothing wrong with you. You're worthy and beautiful just as you are. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

 

When you really accept these things, you will be healed and purified.

[timelessness]

I really appreciate all you guys giving me valuable advice. I need to start working on these things. Hopefully I learn to live with myself and accept everything about me that I can't change and improve the things I can change. Wish me luck and send me your healing prayers.