Sonnet of Death

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited December 12, 2013 by T.S

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[BaguaKicksAss]

I have worked with people (both men and woman) who were raped (by their parents or other family, or strangers) as children. It really is a living hell for the person, and many things can trigger it.

 

I would first recommend some grounding, you don't need to get it all out today. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

 

I also very strongly recommend some proper professional counseling by someone who is experienced with this sort of thing. Trying to do it on your own, or with someone without a lot of experience could cause some problems. There are free resources in every town for if/when it gets this bad.

 

Also, whether it happened or not, for now, for you, it is as if it did. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Also know that it won't be like this forever.

 

I have seen some truly amazing progress and changes with folks who have gone through some pretty wakeful things. But they all did see improvement over a few years of counseling and such.

 

Also if there was ritual abuse, fortunately any energetics left over can be purified with spiritual/energetic practice.

 

Definitely don't try to deal with something this heavy on your own though...

 

I wish you much strength and success working through this.

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[baiqi]

There is a healing section on this forum, you should look for advice there.

 

All I can say now is this: yes, ritual abuse is real, but it does not mean it happened to you. Maybe it is something else. You should seek the guidance of a professional, if possible someone who is experienced with these kind of problems.

Oh, and try to avoid medication, it just makes things worse.

 

Also, I can see you are quite disturbed, but if you can, try to write when you are feeling a little better: I am not sure the mods appreciate this kind of "F*** you all" messages... and it's quite hard to understand them.

 

Wish you a lot of courage

[BaguaKicksAss]

You're welcome, and thank you. Blessings to you as well, you also deserve it . Having lived through traumatic times is difficult, but you are managing. I'm glad you have a support system you can get ahold of.

[Aetherous]

Working on the physical aspect of this...get some ghee, and have 1-2 tablespoons a day. Get organic whole milk, boil it, then drink at least one mug every day. These methods will rebuild your (currently frazzled) nervous system. Also, get good sleep...make it your highest priority to get more than enough of it. And drink a lot of spring water. These methods will not only help in the rebuilding of the nervous system, but also balance you out on a deep level. Eating pears can also help...so all of this is in addition to eating normally, which you should continue doing. Take care of yourself. What you are experiencing is not merely an emotional problem.

Breathing can honestly help you, especially if you contemplate positive things during it. Also making positive prayers during it would help. http://doasone.com/BreathingRooms.aspx?RoomID=1

As for the mental and emotional aspects, my only idea is that you should think of what you want your life to be like. The past is over...but the future is coming. What is an ideal life, for you? What do you like in this world, that you want to cultivate around you? In the present we have the choices to either make our ideal future happen, or to not and experience something unwanted.

I can guarantee that focusing on your dad being evil (or however you want to describe the posts in this thread) is not going to bring you a good future. Neither is going to prostitutes, etc. This all disturbed energy with really bad potential outcomes. For instance, in your writing you basically wish for your dad to die...that's harming you more than anything in your past. You have the option to be good or to go bad...bad things happening to you doesn't make you bad, but your response does.

Breathe...bring life into your soul again. Rise above the past and family karma...you are your own person. Focus on love. Focus on what you like. Let go of the mind and the past...let those feelings and thoughts float away and vanish like clouds in the sky. Become neutral.

I'm open to talking via PM any time you need a friend and a boost. Also, seeing a psychologist or specialist in abuse will be a good thing.

Well, just throwing that out there.

[thelerner]

Few things are harder, but at some point you gotta let go of your past. Chuck it, fuck it, move on. You can't go forward if you're always staring backwards. For some its the path of forgiveness, for others its using the fire of emotion to build something positive.

 

If you anchor and obsess you stagnate. Cut the rope, plot a course, make a plan, move on. If you can't do it by yourself, then find someone, a professional who can help you.

[Marblehead]

Hi T.S.,

 

First let me offer my strength and energy while working through these thoughts of yours.

 

I agree with the above responses in that if you have access to professional help then you should go for that.

 

On a personal level, all I can say is that all this is in the past. You cannot change anything. But you can find ways of dealing with the thoughts and memories so that they no longer cause you pain.

 

You can, however, change your future so that this memories and thoughts cause you less pain and misery. Over time they might ever disappear. But you have to concentrate on your future, not on your past.

 

Be well and take care!

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[Infinity]

Hi T.S

 

I would echo BaguaKicksAss great advice and be gentle with yourself, do some grounding and understand this is a moment that will pass. Its great your going to get professional help with this too.

 

Easy to say this for me and I know I cannot understand where you are right now but the fact that this is coming to the surface and out is good thing imho and maybe view it that way.

 

Sounds like your purging yourself of some very negative stuff and just go through with it, let nature take it's course and I am sure you will come out the other side better off with out all this inside you.

 

Keep grounded, stay strong and let it all out and then smile and wave goodbye to it all.

 

All my very best,

 

∞

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[BaguaKicksAss]

Glad you are feeling a bit better T.S.

 

Hey look at the good side, you aren't stuffing all this stuff until you are 50, then have to work it all out!

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[BaguaKicksAss]

Martial arts is extremely grounding in more ways than one . Did you get to talk with your teacher and your spiritual psychologist friend? Definitely not stuff you want to go through on your own, pretty heavy stuff....

[Marblehead]

Keep at it T.S.

 

Kill those evil memories and thoughts as quickly as you can. Doing so will open the doors for a better life for you in the future.

[thelerner]

Martial arts is extremely grounding in more ways than one . Did you get to talk with your teacher and your spiritual psychologist friend? Definitely not stuff you want to go through on your own, pretty heavy stuff....

At a stressful time in life martial arts helped keep me balanced. It maybe that any kind of hard exercise helps dispel stagnant energy/thoughts, but martial arts require a special focus that does it particularly well. I did ki-aikido where you could often go full force against another because there was a choreography going on. You took turns attacking hard and getting thrown hard. It also helped that there was regular meditation and even a healing pressure point technique involved.

[Aetherous]

Tough talk time...

This ritual abuse thing could honestly just be your own delusions. TS, a while back if I remember correctly, you were talking about how you were experiencing MKUltra type scenarios. While there might be truth to the idea, you should realize that such things are in the realm of "crazy". So please consider that these feelings and possibly memories could very well just be your own creation; delusions of grandeur...maybe your parents never did anything of the sort.

Imagine things from their perspective if they are innocent. You love your child for his entire life, and would never do anything to hurt him intentionally (apart from normal family disagreements etc)...then one day out of the blue, he's saying that you raped him in a ritual abuse scenario. Wow. You're not even very religious much less some sort of demented ritualist, and you definitely would never do such a thing.

Just try to consider things from an outside perspective. If you're experiencing a type of psychosis, your ideas aren't going to be entirely accurate. You will be connecting dots when there isn't actually a realistic connection. Your feelings will be skewed and untrustworthy.

I know...I've been there. And today I still question my assertions, as if I've got a screw loose. Questioning these things is healthy.

Normally I wouldn't question someone having been in an abuse scenario...but with your previous postings, and the fact that it supposedly happened when you were a child, makes it very questionable. I wanted to point this out in order to possibly help you. Regardless of whatever truth there is, I'm sorry that you feel like you were ritually abused and raped. That's not a pleasant experience to be wondering if it happened.

Oh also...it's totally normal to experience some bad karma coming at you from your parents. It's not that they're trying to hurt you in any way, but this is just the way of things. We have to heal our families. Your kids one day will also experience problems with you, which they have to overcome. Consider that the scenario wasn't them personally, and that whatever you're picking up on didn't happen in this lifetime, to you. It could be genetic memories or something. Or the feeling of having been raped could be a misinterpretation of something very minor that actually happened in your life...for instance maybe one day your dad simply was frustrated and as a child you didn't understand what was happening...so that confused feeling got stuffed down to later resurface.

Just throwing out ideas that might help...I'm not actually doubting what you know about yourself. I know basically nothing about your life, so you're the expert.

[BaguaKicksAss]

Yes, definitely equally important to look at.

 

Hope you are doing better btw .

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities

[BaguaKicksAss]

Awesome you have some stuff setup TS, and that you are holding up well .

 

Btw, don't ever come to my house! LOLOLOLOL I'm just teasing, but it would probably look pretty spooky to some!

[Aetherous]

TS, on second thought I probably should have PMd what I said. My bad if it's uncomfortable at all to discuss this situation fully here. I know it can be embarrassing, because then it can feel like you have a weird reputation with the forum.

 

Also, little things over the years actually do add up - Tribal pieces of jewellery in the house (the gargoyle/monster kinds of jewellery), the occasional psychological, sexual use of body language, the books on esotericism/mythology owned by people who claim to know nothing about these topics, the fact there's been Freemasonry on one parents side, and heavy artillery invention & black magic (I feel) on the others side.

 

Tribal or gargoyle jewelry doesn't really mean much...it's probably just artwork or their sense of style. If the esoteric type books are all publicly published ones, then these people are definitely not part of any hidden society. Mythological books aren't something I'd be worried about at all. Freemasonry is actually a positive thing...it's basically about becoming a better person. So ritual sex abuse, especially of a child, would not be part of it from what I know as someone who is not a freemason, but has looked into it quite a bit.

About sexual body language...well maybe we shouldn't go into your details here, but maybe it wasn't them actually coming onto you or anything. Maybe they were just comfortable with themselves in that moment and weren't thinking at all about how it could be taken sexually. Or maybe they were imperfect and actually had some sexual desire in that moment, but thankfully had enough self control and cared enough about you not to actually do anything.

Anyway about the fear...I actually had similar feelings about my own family when going through psychosis. Thinking they were in a some secret society based on details that didn't make sense to me...for instance, my mom got these owl statues from her work because they were gifts you get for having donated so much to a charity. So I could read into it...owls...Illuminati...ahhh! My mom must be illuminati! They are preparing me for something! There were all sorts of things like this at the time for me. I was misinterpreting every little thing, looking for signs everywhere. The effect of this is that all around, I just became more confused, fearful, depressed, angry, etc.

It's easy to project all kinds of evil onto our parents, if we're in this disturbed state of mind...when in their perception they're just normal people. Sometimes we know too much for our own good having been part of this age of information...for instance "knowing" that owls have to do with the historical Illuminati. When we 'connect the dots when there's no connection' (or basically think synchronicity means something for real) then it just causes problems for us. For instance in my situation...owls have existed in nature for a long time and only rarely have to do with some secret society...they are actually a creation of God, and can be seen as beautiful and positive...I was completely wrong.

So, it can be good to recognize..."I'm just feeling paranoid about everything, I need to chill and let things be." This might sound dumb, but something that got me through this kind of mental state, was basically just relaxing and being involved in things that didn't cause me any concern. For instance, I spent a lot of time watching the TV show Psych...it was light hearted, made me laugh, etc. So maybe it can be good to find something to do that isn't aggravating to these negative feelings...and just live your life for a while without concern. Without assuming such big things.

"Mind is gravity" - Max, who teaches Kunlun, says this. It can be peaceful to let go of the mind.

[Unseen_Abilities]

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Edited January 31, 2014 by Unseen_Abilities