Our Own Worst Critics

[Seph]

I can clearly remember the day! No, the moment.

It must have been decades ago. I was sitting in my friends' backyard having a beer on a beautiful summer afternoon. Their backdoor exited into a block concrete "patio". Patio's not really what it was. It was big enough to have a BBQ, but that's it. It had painted black metal railings and concrete steps that led down to their grassy backyard - where I was sitting. Two garden homes shared this concrete stepped exit.

 

As I sat and sipped my beer I watched their neighbour's young son playing and climbing on the patio/steps. He wore only a diaper.

 

He hung his legs over the concrete edge, in an attempt to climb off the ledge rather than use the steps, but his legs weren't long enough to reach the ground.

 

Totally disconnected from the scene - and apparently indifferent - I simply watched. I knew what was coming. The weight of the boy's legs would drag him over the edge, he would painfully scrape his soft belly on the rough concrete edge, and he would cry.

 

I sat - detached - and watched my prediction play out like a premonition.

 

I didn't intervene. I simply observed. There was a great sense of calm in me... which was peculiar.

 

I remember that moment so well because it was that incident that convinced me, all those years ago, that I lacked compassion.

 

But the part that never made sense to me was my profound sense of calm and being at peace.

 

It has only been very recently, in this past year, when I 'reconnected' to this memory. I recognized the person in the memory, where I don't think I have ever recognized that person before.

Maybe because I've only recently been introduced to this person through my practice of meditation.

 

The Watcher.

 

That aspect of me that is simply aware. That part of me that watches. In meditation he (it?) is that which observers the thoughts. He is always calm and serene.

 

Although I could never have recognized him all those years ago, I believe that is who he was. On that day, I had a lucid (traditionally non-meditative) moment.

 

~

 

This is important because that same moment was when I had judged and condemned myself as lacking compassion. It had shaped my perspective of myself every since.

 

It's odd how a condemnation like this can steal your permission to grow, isn't it?

 

I'm not convinced that I lack compassion. Sure, I can work on my compassion more, and I have my moments when I can be insensitive and self-serving... but we all have these dark moments.

 

Had The Watcher not been 'dominant' and 'in control', I've no doubt I would have lunged forward and caught the child.

 

I suppose the lesson here is that we must be compassionate and forgiving to ourselves at times.

 

This may seem like an unimportant or petty story, but its ramifications to me are significant.

 

I believe compassion and solace are intrinsically entangled through dharma. (The Dharma Entanglement)... and if I allow myself to believe I am devoid and hopeless in one of these 'traits'... only serves as a barrier and an obstacle.

[Maddie]

I suppose the lesson here is that we must be compassionate and forgiving to ourselves at times.

 

Nice story, yes it seems you spontaneously entered the perspective of the "watcher" and set aside for a moment the "doer". I definitely agree with self compassion and forgiveness but I think we should have that attitude towards ourselves and others all the time as opposed to just sometimes. There is never really a good time to be "non-compassionate".

 

If it helps I just read an article right before I got on here that said that today parents don't let kids experience enough risk and because of this kids are not properly maturing like they did in the past. To apply it to your example, in the past (or with you watching lol) kid gets a scrape and learns not to do stuff like that again. Now kid does not get scrape because parents are overly protective and does not get that same learning process.

 

I should add that its the "doer" or you can call it the "will" that wants you to feel guilty in the first place. The "will" or "ego" ever afraid of coming to an end is always seeking to perpetuate its own existence. One way it goes about this is to try and cause us to feel ego produced things like guilt. Usually most people once they feel guilt, identify with that feeling as being them, and they feel guilty, and this strengthens the ego, and the ego gets what it wants.

 

Compassion on the other hand is above the level of ego, it comes from your true "self" (for lack of a better word). So if the ego were to produce guilt and you recognize this as just a construct of the ego, and the ego as just a mental process which is NOT you, and you decide to be compassionate to yourself as opposed to feel guilty then the ego truly does become somewhat diminished.

[Yascra]

Had The Watcher not been 'dominant' and 'in control', I've no doubt I would have lunged forward and caught the child.

 

I suppose the lesson here is that we must be compassionate and forgiving to ourselves at times.

 

This may seem like an unimportant or petty story, but its ramifications to me are significant.

Ouh ... Be kind to yourself

 

There will be a time in which you'll have trained to help without thinking. In which you might even plan to watch, consciously ... and still catch the child out of a compassionate reflex - if you just train it.

Helping and reacting properly are things you can train, you know, they can simply become habits. As long as you know that watching bad things happen without interfering is not good, you can at least mark the lesson as "not how one should act, don't repeat".

That's how you train, you know .. Sometimes things don't work, for whatever reason.

Just go on purifying karma, practice and do better next time

 

All the best to you!

Edited February 2, 2014 by Yascra

[Trunk]

The fact that you are reviewing the incident with concern is evidence of conscience, compassion inherent within you.

[thelerner]

There is the possibility your 'Watcher' made the right decision. The kid wasn't badly hurt, just a scrape. Your suddenly lunge could have made the matter worse. Scared him, or mistiming the save. Perhaps Wuwei in action.

 

Sometimes the world doesn't need saving. Its all good.

sometimes not.