Young man in desperate need of advice about self control and moderation

[anondragon2012]

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Edited November 12, 2014 by anondragon2012

[Chang]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

Your problem is in no way uncommon and you will find no shortage of similar posts and no shortage of suggestions as to solutions. The Lobby is not read by all members as it is very much for introductions so it may well be best to repost in the Healing Circle Section.

 

You will now be able to post freely but before getting started please take a look at the two posts pinned at the top of the Lobby and also read the forum terms and rules http://thetaobums.com/topic/19575-forum-terms-rules/ This covers all that you need to know to get started.

 

Good luck and best wishes,

 

Chang.

[Wells]

To give a little background on my problem: I have recently graduated from University (some years), and have so far been deeply unsatisfied with my "adult life". Unable to find fulfilling work,

 

Well, before eagerly contemplating solutions, you should be sure what your problem is!

What do you mean with "been deeply unsatisfied with your "adult life""?

Are you only frustrated with your work life or is the root of your frustration rather to find in your sexual life?

 

If you are masturbating all day long, then I strongly doubt that you have a relationship.

So maybe you are looking in the wrong direction for a solution and should rather get a girlfriend!

Edited February 26, 2014 by Dorian Black

[Wu Ming Jen]

sexual energy reproducing also means reproducing waking up, reproducing going to work,reproducing paying the bills, reproducing healthy relationships. When you are successful at this then all the 3 dimensional things like house, car and material items come to you then your heart will feel achievement not because of material items but because of achievement and satisfaction you feel, then you will be ready for love.

 

It seems to me you may not be understanding the vitality you feel, waste and direct it in a purely sexual manner. This vitality can propel your life in the manner you want to develop and the things you want to achieve in life.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Wu Ming Jen

[RiverSnake]

Two useful threads on the topic. Wish you the best in your struggle, life can be quite beautiful when we learn to channel our vitality effectively:

 

http://thetaobums.com/topic/26533-great-spiritual-physical-mental-benefits-from-semen-retention-celibacy-and-mental-emptiness-my-experience-and-thoughts/?hl=celibacy

 

http://thetaobums.com/topic/22912-semen-retention-100-days-and-my-experiences/

 

My 2 cents, Peace

Edited February 27, 2014 by OldChi

[thelerner]

The above comments are all good. On a short term practical note. I'd say starting in the first 2 weeks of March masturbate every other day. When the urge strikes.. just hold off one day. Listen to music, practice kata.. know you can do it the next day. Figure out what substitutions work best. Often its retraining the mind, not to go there.. or there or there. Obviously quitting the porn habit will help, finding another internet subject will help and reset your computer/browser with a kid guard so it can't go there. Literally a change of underwear styles or body position in bed can help.

 

If successful, two weeks after that wait for the weekend. Hold off, you can do it in a few days. Imo while frequent masturbation may be problem, I don't think some masturbation is all that big a deal especially in the teens and twenties. There are some traditions that demand celibacy or at least 100 days, but if you're not involved with them, don't worry.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it

[anondragon2012]

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Edited November 12, 2014 by anondragon2012

[anondragon2012]

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Edited November 12, 2014 by anondragon2012

[anondragon2012]

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Edited November 12, 2014 by anondragon2012

[yabyum24]

You make a good point there. Sex and Porn are not the same thing by a long shot. On reprogramming my TV a few days ago I spotted a phone sex channel. On it was a lady with artificially round silicone-filled breasts + pierced nipples. She had various tattoos and other piercings and was compulsively jiggling up and down like a plastic zombie whilst babbling into a smartphone.

 

All in a effort to get some suckers to call the premium rate phone line which was flashing up on the screen.

 

I thought, is this what it has come down to? Is this the goddess towards which young men nowadays direct their desire and an empowering role model for girls to aspire to?

 

I may have lead a sheltered life but I've never had a partner who ever spat on my c**k, wanted it up the a** or wanted me to j*** on her face.

 

... I'd be disturbed if she did.

[C T]

[Yascra]

 

Hmm.. the problem I'd see about this guy is that you clearly see that and how he's suppressing his energy, and unable to work with it or transform it. And that can simply not be the ultimate solution.

 

Sure, discipline is a good start to get some control. But whenever you tread such a path you should be aware of what you can reach with it, and what it can't help you with.

It would be better to learn how to use energy in a constructive way .. and dissolve things into emptiness.

But I'm aware of the fact that that's not easy, at least not in practice.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Yascra

[C T]

Hmm.. the problem I'd see about this guy is that you clearly see that and how he's suppressing his energy, and unable to work with it or transform it. And that can simply not be the ultimate solution.

 

Sure, discipline is a good start to get some control. But whenever you tread such a path you should be aware of what you can reach with it, and what it can't help you with.

It would be better to learn how to use energy in a constructive way .. and dissolve things into emptiness.

But I'm aware of the fact that that's not easy, at least not in practice.

I posted that with the hope of letting the OP understand there are others who are also experiencing similar issues, and how such are addressed from one viewpoint only. I did not mention that whatever the monk advised was the ultimate solution to the problem.

 

Its easy to say dissolve things into emptiness. Just not sure how helpful such opinions are.

[yabyum24]

There are no easy answers to this problem but at least the OP has seen the suffering in his life which it engenders and wishes to make a change. As such, it's a very good first step.

 

Martial arts are largely about controlling the situation, which he can do in the dojo no doubt, but perhaps this makes the contrast between that control and the way his addiction is controlling him, even more obvious.

[gatito]

 

<snip>

 

On it was a lady with artificially round silicone-filled breasts + pierced nipples. She had various tattoos and other piercings and was compulsively jiggling up and down like a plastic zombie whilst babbling into a smartphone.

 

<snip>

 

My guess is that she was probably not a lady but a prostitute.

[Yascra]

Its easy to say dissolve things into emptiness. Just not sure how helpful such opinions are.

 

Hey, it was a hint/advice, okay, not an opinion in that sense, for I think we don't need to discuss whether dissolving things ultimately might be helpful.

And I did indeed write that I'm aware it's not easy because I know it's more easy to say than to do

 

In the end .. you should watch a little and analyse maybe more than one option to find the way that best suits YOU at the actual moment. That's what I'd consider the general rule concerning such issues.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Yascra

[open heart]

Stay strong, this is a demon that many our age have had to conquer, myself included. It takes alot of will and internal power, most people dont even recognize this as an issue, so for you to be able to pinpoint this puts you far ahead of the curve, Females our age lack substance, so perhaps instead of going to the bar looking for them, go to Barnes and Noble and find someone to talk to there. We both know what caliber of female lurks at the bar, the clubs, etc. Acknowledge the things you truly enjoy doing, and when you go on a date, bring her along with you to one of "your" things. Trust me I know this struggle very well, I am the same age as you, just STAY STRONG, use your inner power, picture this issue as a demon and slay it, for you are a warrior

[gatito]

@ the OP - I'd suggest that you start by watching this documentary: -

 

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/date-my-porn-star/episode-guide

www.channel4.com/programmes/date-my-porn-star/episode-guide

 

Watching porn has never been easier. With hardcore sexual imagery just a click away, more and more people, of all ages, are accessing porn. For many it not only forms part of their sex life, but can become a daily or even hourly fixture.

In this documentary, part of the Campaign for Real Sex, three British porn obsessives explore the boundaries between sexual fantasy and reality as they travel to the heart of the porn industry in Los Angeles to meet their favourite adult movie stars.

Forty-year-old Jonathan, 20-year-old Kevin and 23-year-old Danny are anticipating the trip of a lifetime. As well as meeting their porn idols, however, the men get more than they bargained for as they are faced with a darker and less glamorous side of porn.

Seeing their porn idols in action on set is enticing. But when they discuss their life and the value of real and lasting relationships it comes as a surprise for the men.

When they visit a low-end porn studio and witness a casting conveyer belt of wannabe porn stars, followed by a porn orgy that's deeply degrading for female actors, the men begin to question their views.

The final meeting with an ex-porn star, who shares her candid, harrowing story, could be the final tipping point. Exposed to the challenging realities of the industry, can the men continue to reconcile their sexual fantasies with their experiences in porn-land?

 

When you've done that, read Iron John by Robert Bly and, if you want to become a warrior, find yourself an aikido sensei who matches as closely as possible to Terry Dobson:-

 

 

http://www.terrydobson.com/index.html

www.terrydobson.com/index.html

 

and learn what's actually being taught behind this Art: -

 

"The Way of the Warrior has been misunderstood. It is not a means to kill and destroy others. Those who seek to compete and better one another are making a terrible mistake. To smash, injure, or destroy is the worst thing a human being can do. The real Way of a Warrior is to prevent such slaughter – it is the Art of Peace, the power of Love."

 

Osensei

 

 

[anondragon2012]

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Edited November 12, 2014 by anondragon2012

[Jadespear]

Dude... you don't think every time I see a hot woman that I don't have a sudden sexual arousal?.. just a hint of the sexual flame? Of course I do. You must learn to control yourself. There is no other way. It's just like when an alcoholic gives up drinking, or a smoker gives up smoking.....you have to separate this part of your identity from the part that you want to create for yourself in the future. There is no going back. A fully grown tree cannot return to its seedling without dying. You must shed the skin you've become accustomed to.

[Gerard]

Please move/open this thread to/in the general discussion area as this one is more for introducing yourself rather than asking for help/advice.

 

Note: you suffer from liver Qi stagnation (too much desire in the mind).

[anondragon2012]

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Edited November 12, 2014 by anondragon2012

[yabyum24]

... in reality it was not just porn, not just masturbation. But an addiction to quick fixes.

It's the release of stress co-joined with the enjoyment of bodily bliss which delivers a quick-fix relief.

 

This is weighed up against the effect you have noticed, which it's having on your energy/mind.

 

But a quick-fix from what? Well, it's stress, if you look closely. A kind a tightness and tension, combined with a desire for the bliss. A potent mix.

 

Energy work of some kind can deliver results and there are people here who know their stuff around Chinese/Taoist systems, which are akin to martial arts but very different, as they work on the body's internal energy.

 

I'm a beginner at Tai Chi and can't praise it highly enough. So read around and ask these guys. Some of them have years of experience behind them.

[Gerard]

I also did notice that since the earliest age, my liver was overburdened for some reason.

 

Karma. It's OK, you just need to work on it. Exercise mindfully and make sure you nourish your kidneys utmostly.

 

More info:

 

http://www.fivespirits.com/fivespirits.php

 

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/bullen/bl042.html

 

Method: mindful sitting meditation combined with an internal martial art taught by a sensitive, intelligent, mature teacher linked to a verified lineage. Walking meditation can also be introduced in the training process, it should be done extremely slow, mindfully and surrounded by healthy trees, flowers, birds, flowing water (if possible)...

Edited March 1, 2014 by Gerard