Hello everyone, questions and sharing

[jschultz]

First of all, hello everyone my name is Jon and I want to share, explore, and learn from an experience I had recently, and I've found this website.

 

Several days ago I experienced what by all definitions/explanations (though any/all attempts to define/explain "it"/"existence" fail completely) was enlightenment. Some history may be useful to describe my path to this experience of "being" though.

 

I had studied Aikido years ago and was introduced to Buddhism, Taoism, metaphysics, etc, and meditation. I had dismissed the spiritual pursuit for the most part and focused more on the physical exercise and the fluidness of that martial art. I did practice what can be described as mindless as opposed to mindfull meditation at the time and did enjoy how it seemed to "recharge my batteries". I stopped doing this around the age of 21 because I felt I was "too busy" to continue doing it and that it wasn't really helping me do or achieve anything. I'm 40 now.

 

During that time up until last week I suffered from what was diagnosed as Social Anxiety/Phobia. In many ways it was a spiraling and exponentially growing anxiety and fear that after several family deaths (all but one close family member), an extremely stressful job with many years of 24/7 on-call duties, and extreme self "medication" with alcohol brought me to a level of dispair that was as close to the complete meaning of unbearable that I could imagine at the time. I had lost all of my friends save one, and communicated with only one other person (a cousin) via email, and quit my job. I was also trying to escape my life and pain intellectually by researching politics, finance, science, and losing myself in computer games to escape my painful reality. A few days before I had this wonderful and life changing explosion of perspective/awareness I couldn't look at the terrible things we do to each other through our conflicting beliefs, wars, and greed, etc, anymore and I realized I was only adding to my pain and fear by trying to avoid it and was essentially scrubbing myself with what I percieved to be others pain as well. I started reseaching religions, beliefs, spirituality, the occult, etc, but I went into this research with as open a mind as I could and tried not to get myself stuck in any structures, steps, dogma's, etc.

 

On "that" day I was watching a really interesting video on youtube that was a visualization of the mandlebrot set, which is essentially a visualization of mathematic fractals that can continue on forever because it's simply a never ending division. When it ended I decided to really try mindful meditation, or at least what I thought that was. I tried to calm my mind, I kept my eyes open but didn't focus them, I listened, and I tried to feel my body and skin and breath, and I tried to experience all these senses at the same time. Then "it" or "is" happened and I just knew what it was to be completely alive with no judgements, thoughts, beliefs, etc. To simply "be".

 

I won't try to describe that complete wholeness/loss because it can't be done, but I can explain how I've changed. I have escaped my crushing fear and anxiety and my anger and helplessness. It still bubbles up in my mind but I know where it is coming from and I am able to let it go easily. I know what it's like to understand in a way any perspective or point of view because I understand there is no end to them. I'm starting to come back to a calm state of being again, but in many ways it was just so exciting to be free. I even understood that my excitement didn't "really" exist but I was having so much damn fun I did hold onto those moments for a while before letting those go as well. I tried several times to describe this "revelation" over the last week in my excitement, but I know that it will be forever impossible to do that. One way that I think is somewhat "close" is, infinite energy and infinite entropy combined in the same whole that is itself infinite. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever when I try to imagine it so I think that's also why I like that description more then the others I've tried to come up with.

 

What I'm curious about now I suppose is though I know I don't have to "do" anything I know I want to help other human beings, or consciousnesses, of this "infinite" find this peace and freedom as well. I'm curious about ways I can do this. My previous existence of extreme isolation leaves me with few references on interaction with what I now know to be my fellow human "awarenesses". I also know it won't be easy because my "old/previous" ego/mind really likes to bombard me with fearful thoughts and anxieties when I step into territory that would have been impossible to me just a week ago. I'm not afraid of doing that, and it has not stopped me from reconnecting with extended family or from simply getting out of the house like it used to. Hehe, am I answering my own question?

 

I wish for whomever may read this peace, freedom and love. I know that by trying to attach any words to existence is to attempt to define it which is impossible, but I (my ego/mind) can't help but say right now that it has been wonderful and right now I wish it for us all, including the infinite.

 

Jon

[Chang]

Hello and welcome to the Tao Bums Jon. That was a very detailed and honest introduction.

 

You will now be free to post throughout the forum but before getting started we ask that you read the two posts pinned at the top of the Lobby and take a look at the forum terms and rules http://thetaobums.com/topic/19575-forum-terms-rules/ This covers all that you need be aware of when getting started.

 

Good luck and best wishes,

 

Chang.

[Silent Answers]

Hey Jon,

 

I'm new here myself, so I can't really welcome you as such...but through your words I can feel that what you've experienced is very similar to my own wake up call. Seems like you've directed yourself on the right path...one bit of advice I can give you:

 

Having everyone in a community like this is great and getting answers that make sense given by other credible people gives us a feeling of satisfaction, sureness....BUT... all the answers and directions you'll ever need are already part of you. Learn to trust that voice within that's telling you to do something important. If it's saying help others - get out there and help someone - Those are the times you'll be truly full of love.

[jschultz]

Hey Jon,

 

I'm new here myself, so I can't really welcome you as such...but through your words I can feel that what you've experienced is very similar to my own wake up call. Seems like you've directed yourself on the right path...one bit of advice I can give you:

 

Having everyone in a community like this is great and getting answers that make sense given by other credible people gives us a feeling of satisfaction, sureness....BUT... all the answers and directions you'll ever need are already part of you. Learn to trust that voice within that's telling you to do something important. If it's saying help others - get out there and help someone - Those are the times you'll be truly full of love.

 

Heya Silent, the experience was wonderful and the freedom from all that pain was exciting. I'm in a more relaxed place now, and I'm learning that I still need to learn and grow this new "perspective" that is me. Just being more open minded, open hearted, and being. I know now that I still have quite a lot of "baggage" in my mind to come to terms with and let go as well, but being able to actually "see" it, and then to be able to actually let it go I know will help me do just that. Thank you.

 

Thank you as well Chang, good luck to you too and I'll read the posts as well as the rules.

[Silent Answers]

I know exactly what you mean..Seeing what makes you, you.. Having the perspective to analyse yourself, deciding what you do and what you don't want to be a part of the future you.

Edited April 23, 2014 by Silent Answers

[GrandmasterP]

Welcome to TTB guys.

[jschultz]

Thanks GrandmasterP.