Tao of Buttercup Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) Two years ago, Clive Barker befriended me on Twitter. I'm a writer, working (hard!) towards publication. I've been a fan of Clive's since the late 1980s. It was "love at first sight." Never expected any sort of interaction with the man. Never expected to be near a book signing or etc., to meet him. His return Follow on Twitter in May 2012 absolutely stunned me. I was "out of it" for a week; disbelief and elation. We've had a bit of personal back-and-forth. He keeps some tabs on what I'm doing. Supportive, nice, friendly. He does this for "aspiring" artists, theater people, writers. I'm one of a lucky 280 souls. And I've still got this huge crush on him. And (as he's openly admitted since the mid-1990s) he is gay. He's also (self-admitted/open) been involved in "fetishism." To each their own with consulting adults, of course. And I'm this married vanilla straight gal who just loves this man. Aside from being gay, he'd be bored with me. Despite that, he accepts occasional cyber hugs/kisses, and Favorited a Valentine's poem I'd written for him. If Clive were straight, I'd feel guilty. But he's not, and nothing can ever come of this, so I don't feel guilty. But sometimes I don't know WHAT to do with these feelings. From 1987 to now is a chunk of time. He's still mythic to me, a legend; he's a very interesting and complex person. To have been touched by him now...sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. Edited July 25, 2014 by Tao of Buttercup 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
silent thunder Posted July 25, 2014 Straight or not, I wouldn't bother with the guilt over feelings. You don't need to defend your feelings or justify them, because the people who understand you won't need you to. And the people like vortex here, will not listen to what you say anyway. Live your life. Feel your feelings and be who you are. How awesome you are writing and have one of your idols for a freaking mentor! keep at it. Daddy issues? vortex, grow up. 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tao of Buttercup Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) Daddy issues? Not enough of an age difference. And I dislike your implications. I had a very good father, and don't need a substitute anyway. Edited July 25, 2014 by Tao of Buttercup 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tao of Buttercup Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) Live your life. Feel your feelings and be who you are. How awesome you are writing and have one of your idols for a freaking mentor! keep at it. Thank you. Clive and I share some basic personality qualities (he's noticed this as well). Doesn't mean I'll have success/fortune, but it's just cool. He's promised me a hug if we ever meet in person, yay. That'd be so nice. Edited July 25, 2014 by Tao of Buttercup 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Apech Posted July 25, 2014 I liked Weaveworld but not so keen on Imajica. Its ok to have artistic crushes and even unrequited obsessions ... don't feel guilty it probably makes your relationship with your partner better and more healthy anyway. BUT just as a boring old Moderator type ... does this really belong in Taoist Discussion? Can I move it? 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Daeluin Posted July 25, 2014 What do you want from your interaction with this person? Are you desiring anything you can't get? Are you giving more energy than is healthy? Do you want some sort of external validation from this person because you look up to them? What is preventing you from getting that validation from yourself? Figure out if this is a drain on you, and figure out if this pattern is serving you or not. Try to identify other similar patterns in your life, and see if you can trace them back to tiny little things from your childhood. Often patterns repeat and are born as seeds when we are very young. When we are able to dissolve patterns that have been with us our whole lives without really serving us, we become clearer. As far as crushes go... I had a crush on someone in my class for 6 years. It was so intense I couldn't even speak properly with this person, and in the end I finally realized I idealized them to the point where I didn't even know the real person at all, but was projecting what I wanted to see in them so strongly that it was incredibly removed from reality and completely unattainable. In the end I realized this was a pattern of desiring co-dependency I inherited from energetic conditioning in my family as a child. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tao of Buttercup Posted July 25, 2014 I liked Weaveworld but not so keen on Imajica. Its ok to have artistic crushes and even unrequited obsessions ... don't feel guilty it probably makes your relationship with your partner better and more healthy anyway. BUT just as a boring old Moderator type ... does this really belong in Taoist Discussion? Can I move it? Sorry. Yes, feel free to move it. I did write you privately. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tao of Buttercup Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) What do you want from your interaction with this person? Are you desiring anything you can't get? Are you giving more energy than is healthy? Do you want some sort of external validation from this person because you look up to them? What is preventing you from getting that validation from yourself? Figure out if this is a drain on you, and figure out if this pattern is serving you or not. Try to identify other similar patterns in your life, and see if you can trace them back to tiny little things from your childhood. Often patterns repeat and are born as seeds when we are very young. When we are able to dissolve patterns that have been with us our whole lives without really serving us, we become clearer. As far as crushes go... I had a crush on someone in my class for 6 years. It was so intense I couldn't even speak properly with this person, and in the end I finally realized I idealized them to the point where I didn't even know the real person at all, but was projecting what I wanted to see in them so strongly that it was incredibly removed from reality and completely unattainable. In the end I realized this was a pattern of desiring co-dependency I inherited from energetic conditioning in my family as a child. Some of it is / was the "wow" of this simply being Clive Barker (never anticipated any contact with him); sentimental memories of early college days ("Hellraiser" in theaters); he has always been very handsome to me; his validating my writing efforts when no one else (real life) has cared. There is a long personal history (mostly due to a different religion, which I broke with years ago) of continual put-downs, belittlement, being stifled and side-lined. So having this has been powerful, and much appreciated. And what dormant feelings, admiration, etc., I'd had for Clive over the years came rushing back - and multiplied. His mentoring (which is minimal, as he's very busy) has been like a hit of rocket fuel. I doubt I'd be this far along in my writing, if he weren't Following and giving occasional "keep on" encouragement. I'm certain some of it, also, are the personality similarities. I'd like to be real-time friends with him, but that likely can never be. One of those things where your mind knows what your heart doesn't want to accept (limits, boundaries, etc). Edited July 25, 2014 by Tao of Buttercup Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GrandmasterP Posted July 25, 2014 I liked Weaveworld but not so keen on Imajica. Its ok to have artistic crushes and even unrequited obsessions ... don't feel guilty it probably makes your relationship with your partner better and more healthy anyway. BUT just as a boring old Moderator type ... does this really belong in Taoist Discussion? Can I move it? What's NOT Tao about this? Literature. Author. Reader. Stories. ' Crush'. Fan-dom and the Tao of the 'attraction of ideas'. It's all here and more. Not 'pointless' at all I'd say and very Tao. But then , I'm not a Mod. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GrandmasterP Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) I had a student teacher once who was a total BBC nerd. She was training to teach media studies but really wanted to write stories and interest pieces for broadcast. She sent loads of unsolicited stuff in and got lots of rejection letters. One producer wrote ( handwritten) short suggestions and encouragement towards success. She flew through her degree and passed ( with distinction) but never took a teaching post. She writes full time for radio and I see her name in the Radio Times regularly Edited July 25, 2014 by GrandmasterP 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
deci belle Posted July 25, 2014 *Starstruck*, infatuation… been there, done that!! I recommend meeting more celebrities~ then BE ONE (of them). Then you'll be in the enviable position to return the favor.❤ You'll know when you're one yourself when you wouldn't dare drag their names out in public… heehee!! It's too much to contain oneself though, when you already sincerely admire them, right!! ahhahha!!❤❤ I even received letters and phone-calls from them when I was starting out in my field (I guess I was a quick study or the universe wanted me to get over it asap). My diary was my witness. Sure was nice though!! 7 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GrandmasterP Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) Going by past posts, one or two on here have had a 'crush' on you before now Deci! Hell hath no fury.... etc. Edited July 25, 2014 by GrandmasterP 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tao of Buttercup Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) Thank you, Grandmaster P. *Starstruck*, infatuation… been there, done that!! I recommend meeting more celebrities~ then BE ONE (of them). Then you'll be in the enviable position to return the favor.❤ Definitely will return the favor - especially if I achieve real success. I do believe the timing with Clive was entirely meant to be, for both of us. He'd just begun recuperating from hospitalization and a coma...I was trying to emerge from a 3-year string of very bad luck. I'd nearly given up, and couldn't hardly "feel" anymore. Clive latched on (he likes my warmth and softer touch; he's also sensitive and affectionate), and he is one of a very few artists who could have impacted me at that point. And he did. Definitely I will "pay it forward" when able. It goes to show the truth of "Be extra kind to those you meet, for everyone is dealing with some sort of trouble." Edited July 25, 2014 by Tao of Buttercup Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GrandmasterP Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) Clive Barker was born in 1952. Has to be a good guy. Everyone born in 52 is thoroughly nice. Also he was born in ( hideous crime-ridden ) Liverpool but now lives in sunny California. That shows sound common sense. Edited July 25, 2014 by GrandmasterP Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nungali Posted July 26, 2014 (edited) *Starstruck*, infatuation… been there, done that!! I recommend meeting more celebrities~ And seeing what they have to do to get work! We had a new girl at work that suffered from that ... she even said "I'd love to be a movie star". Both my boss and I 'looked' at her ... "What?" she said. "Hey boss, can I can take Nooby to set with me ?" he chuckled and said yes. So I took her to watch .... oh! she was sooo excited at first ! Here is what she saw; A picks up B and throws him face first in the mud , director "Cut .... no no no ... I want it to look like this .... ( blah blah blah ) ---- clean the mud off, new wardrobe, make-up, hair, ... action throws him face first in the mud ..."Cut! " no ... wardrobe, make up, hair action - throws him face first in the mud ... "Cut!" no ... wardrobe, make up, hair action - throws him face first in the mud ... 'Cut!' no ... wardrobe, make up hair action - and so on ... eventually "Still want to be an actor?" Noob (sheepishly) 'No". " Just as well you didnt watch the 14 takes of him being sprayed in the eyes with a V8 water pump and the producer screaming 'CUT! ,,, NO blinking! ' ". Edited July 26, 2014 by Nungali 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
joeblast Posted July 26, 2014 My diary was my witness. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dawei Posted July 26, 2014 ever see that water flowing along... and in the soft current is... drift wood... tree branch... debris... trash... plastic bottle... torn clothing... our heart... following some other flowing thing... our heart seemingly desperately following ... some other flowing thing... our heart seemingly desperate... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nungali Posted July 27, 2014 “The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.” W. Allen. So I went upstream where no man has influence. There the water passed, yes, with flotsam, but that of nature. Still, in places the current swirled and rotated and moved not down stream. So I entered it, navel deep. It buffeted me and unbalanced me. I could not fight against it. So I moved to centre of the whirlpool, where I found stillness. I may not go downstream again. Eventually I will pass to be more flotsam then I too will inevitably swept into the Great Sea of dissolution. But for now, I will sit in this whirlpool shaded by the overhanging forest. Why rush the inevitable ? 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
deci belle Posted July 27, 2014 Rest in the inevitable in perpetuity. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Apech Posted July 27, 2014 When I grew up and fell in love I asked my sweetheart What lies ahead Will we have rainbows Day after day Here's what my sweetheart said Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera What will be, will be Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
doc benway Posted July 27, 2014 Two years ago, Clive Barker befriended me on Twitter. I'm a writer, working (hard!) towards publication. I've been a fan of Clive's since the late 1980s. It was "love at first sight." Never expected any sort of interaction with the man. Never expected to be near a book signing or etc., to meet him. His return Follow on Twitter in May 2012 absolutely stunned me. I was "out of it" for a week; disbelief and elation. We've had a bit of personal back-and-forth. He keeps some tabs on what I'm doing. Supportive, nice, friendly. He does this for "aspiring" artists, theater people, writers. I'm one of a lucky 280 souls. And I've still got this huge crush on him. And (as he's openly admitted since the mid-1990s) he is gay. He's also (self-admitted/open) been involved in "fetishism." To each their own with consulting adults, of course. And I'm this married vanilla straight gal who just loves this man. Aside from being gay, he'd be bored with me. Despite that, he accepts occasional cyber hugs/kisses, and Favorited a Valentine's poem I'd written for him. If Clive were straight, I'd feel guilty. But he's not, and nothing can ever come of this, so I don't feel guilty. But sometimes I don't know WHAT to do with these feelings. From 1987 to now is a chunk of time. He's still mythic to me, a legend; he's a very interesting and complex person. To have been touched by him now...sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. Wonderful to have such stimulating feelings! Makes one feel grateful for being alive, no? Like Demello says - pleasant experiences make life delightful, painful experiences are opportunities for growth. Feelings were meant to be felt, so feel them fully. What more needs to be done? You are married, he may as well be - enjoy your marriage, enjoy your infatuation, and share some of your writings with us! (I was also a big fan of some of his earlier fiction but haven't followed his work in a very long time - The Books of Blood knocked my socks off!) I've had a couple similar experiences on a much milder scale: I'm a huge fan of John McLaughlin (guitarist) and I once sent him an email describing my respect and admiration for his music and discussing a variety of things with no expectations whatsoever. He returned my email and was very friendly and supportive - we communicated back and forth (he's a big fan of Chan poetry), he invited me to a concert - it was a blast. I once had the opportunity to hang out with Michael Jackson for a week, yup that one... We were teens staying at the same hotel in Miami. We were the same age and neither of us had anyone else to hang out with. I was a big fan of his at the time (~'73) and had an absolute blast! Enjoy 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GrandmasterP Posted July 27, 2014 (edited) 'He had opened his heart to the sublime indifference of the universe.' (Camus: L'etranger) Edited July 27, 2014 by GrandmasterP Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
