For married and cohabiting Bums - on sharing chores

[Nikolai1]

First off, can I just say that my partner is a busy and productive person who does just as much around the house as I do. We have three young children so life is pretty busy for us both. In fact we both we both start at the same time in the morning (7am) and neither of us really stop until about 9 in the evening.

 

But when I think about the kind of things we do, there's a big difference.

 

As the man I do, on a regular basis, every single aspect except one thing: breast feeding. And, as our children are now all past that, there is no breastfeeding in the house anymore.

 

My partner, however, does not do, and has never done, a whole rage of things. She has never cut the grass, she has never chopped wood, she has never changed the snow tyres, she has never changed a light bulb, nor put up a picture, nor even, to my recollection, hammered a nail in the world. She wouldn't have a clue how to change a fuse, repair a puncture, mend the furniture, or even assemble something from Ikea.

 

So it seems, that as the man, while no busier than my partner, I am a lot more versatile and do a much wider range of things.

 

Is this a common experience? Am interested in your thoughts and please vote in the poll.

 

Thanks!

 

PS - this is not some kind of complaint about my partner! I'm perfectly happy with the situation, but at the same time find it quite curious!

Edited September 12, 2014 by Nikolai1

[silent thunder]

In my experience, who does what depends largely on who's inclined and who's able.

Some are able but not inclined to some tasks, others inclined but not very capable.

 

My wife and I both have careers and a child and so are also quite busy, so we tend to disperse the chores into who does what most efficiently so the shit gets done and we can settle in to dancing, enjoying life and sneak-attack-ninja-tickling our son when he least expects it...

 

As to your implication that because you're a man, you are more versatile?

I couldn't agree less based on my direct experience in life.

 

In our life, my wife and I have naturally found our niches of who does what most effectively, but since there's always love and mutual respect... asking for help is never shunned, nor refused. Life is a process, not an absolute. Discovery, Awe and Exploration are encouraged, so around here, nothing is written in stone, so to speak.

[Nikolai1]

Of course, we're the same: for example, my partner does most of the laundry and I do most of the cooking. Its just paned out that way because of our inclinations.

 

But I'm talking about this versatility thing.

 

There are many, many things that my partner can not and would not do.

 

For me there is only the breastfeeding.

 

I wonder if this is a pattern in society, which is why I put the poll on.

 

In fact I'll add an 'equally versatile option' if you think that fits you best.

[Nikolai1]

For anyone who wants to contribute, I'd be interested to know the kind of things you can not and would not do, and likewise your partner

[zanshin]

in which z makes an important discovery

Edited April 19, 2020 by zanshin

[thelerner]

My wife will do more, because she's a doer. Its her natural state. See problem, fix it, do it. My natural state is one at rest. Until I'm acted on by a greater force or my conscience. I chauffeur the kids, I clean up after dinner, I'll get the groceries, do the odd jobs around the house. Today she was tired, so I bought dinner and cleaned up afterwards. Whereas 9 times out of 10, she makes a wonderful homemade meal and I'll clean up.

 

She definitely does more work then I, but again, its her way. I respect it, and thank her, and if and when she needs me, I'm there.

Edited September 13, 2014 by thelerner

[GrandmasterP]

Mrs GMP does all the cooking but that's from choice and experience.

Overall 50-50 though, give or take.

Edited September 13, 2014 by GrandmasterP

[Nikolai1]

Can I just remind everyone that I'm not talking about how the workload is shared. I'm talking about versatility.

 

For example, if we go away for a week, is our partner able to cover our duties, or do we come back to things to do because they were unable to do them?

[silent thunder]

Everyone has different skills, though nothing around our house is so complex that we can't both do it. So I'd say our versatility is pretty even when it comes to home maintenance. Nothing terribly difficult in mowing the grass, or taking out the trash, or unclogging the garbage disposal.

 

She leaves the carpentry to me, but that's because I'm a master carpenter and while I'm an accomplished baker, I leave that to her, since she's mastered that, though in a pinch either of us would be able to get the basics done. We cook together, but this wasn't always so, she used to do all the cooking. Recently though, I have wanted to get involved in that, it's been awesome to spend that time together co-creating our meals. Our son gets involved a bit too now, on his own, seeing how much fun we're having.

 

Neither of us touch the plumbing or the electricity... sometimes it's best to know when to call someone who really knows what they're doing.

 

After my dad's death last spring, I was gone for about 5 weeks across the country tying up his estate and came home to the same home I left. Nothing was left undone.

 

Perhaps you are just very skilled in a wide variety of areas compared to most people? So it seems unbalanced to you... or perhaps she's just not inclined to do those things, since you've taken the lead on them.

 

Have you approached her if you feel things are unfair? Or is this just purely a curious inquiry?

[Nikolai1]

Have you approached her if you feel things are unfair? Or is this just purely a curious inquiry?

 

Yeah, just curiosity. I don't feel its unfair, if anything its more interesting to have all the variety. If I'm resealing the roof, she's looking after the kids. If I'm trimming back the berry bushes, she's looking after the kids...

 

When the kids came though, I felt very strongly that I should be the modern man and play a part in every thing that needed doing. My partner felt nothing equivalent and even though there have been many times when I would have liked her to cut the grass, she has point blank refused.

 

I'm definitely a man who has taken the feminist critique on board and stopped being like the men in times past. There is nothing I don't do. My wife has not taken any equivalent critique on board. I wonder whether this is a modern trend or if my wife is just old-fashioned.

[silent thunder]

every once in a while one or the other of us, will simply say...

 

'look, I need some time to either, be by myself, or hang out with our son, so I'm taking the night/day off, can you cover the rest?'

it works great for us.

 

we've also gotten good at communicating what we are feeling before it gets to the resentment stage, if things tend to go too far in one direction for a while.

[Silent Answers]

My wife can do must odd jobs, but asks me to do them because she likes being looked after.

 

On the flip side, I always ask her to make me a cup of tea, even though I'm nearer to the kitchen, just because I like to have what she makes.

 

We get enjoyment from, and feel the love in each other's effort

[thelerner]

In the movie Pleasantville, at the end the main character spouts out some simple but deep wisdom.

 

His mother complains that life 'isn't working out the way its suppose to be.' He says back with a smile 'It's not suppose to "be" any way'.

 

The tao of Relationships is often about dropping the suppose to's and enjoying the way it is.