Is It Bad To Make A Woman Cry

[juliank]

I know this may sound like a silly topic but here is the context:

 

I have been dating a girl for 3 months and our relationship has been running very smoothly. It's what I would call "even keeled". We have had lots of fun...but since we both live busy lives its also been tethered around our routines. There has been zero drama.

 

Last night there was drama. She cried over what I did. On a scale of 1-10...cheating being a 10...what I did would be considered a 5. She would agree.

 

After she cried we talked and sex ensued. Very good sex. She seems WAY MORE into me now than ever.

 

As men, we think that if we make our women cry we fucked up. We did. But...a small dose of emotional upheaveal within the context of an otherwise smoothly running relationship is not bad. I would say its even healthy. Yes, I would say it aligns with the TAO.

 

Thoughts ?

[thelerner]

Hmnn, making someone cry is generally bad. On the other hand if in this incident you were mostly innocent and its her drama play, then sometimes its a part of the relationship and you take the good with the bad. If it truly upsets her I wouldn't make a habit out of it.

 

I've found, a little jealousy in a relationship can be a good thing. It can get you out of a taken for granted zone. Not a lot, but a little.

[soaring crane]

watch all the way through:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byG5ZZUHMgc

[Nungali]

Did you make her cry? Was it your actions or her responses that bought about the crying?

 

No ... dont answer me ... its a rhetorical question, perhaps meant for both of you.

 

If you had good sex afterwards , perhaps it was something that was needed to be bought up and talked about and needed to have some emotion released that was attached to it.

 

 

... we used to have this guy at sword training that was sooo annoying ... in so many ways ( not to get too far off topic) ... once I heard this argument going on down the end of the line ,,, it was him and the instructor ... I have never heard that guy loose his composure except for this one time ... so I decided to listen; he was yelling at annoying dude;

 

"No ! I am not deliberately trying to upset you ... you are the one that decided to become upset about what I am saying!"

 

I suppose it depends on your intent ...

 

Then again, its a tricky one for me as sometimes I get pissed off about things which others dont even notice and things which 'outrage' others I just ... meh .

[BaguaKicksAss]

She cried once out of a perfectly good relationship and you are worried? Obviously also though she isn't prone to drama or crying over everything if it is a first time, so likely you would want to listen to her.

 

As long as you apologized, reassured her and hugged her all should be well. If it was a 5, likely not something you would want to repeat.

 

We should always treat each other with utmost respect in relationships.

[3bob]

good luck

[ralis]

Is this site becoming a relationship counseling site? This is clearly OT.

[Flolfolil]

...

Edited March 5, 2015 by Flolfolil

[Aetherous]

It's good to try your best and not do things to hurt your significant other. But at the same time, them feeling emotions of all types is not a bad thing. To feel is to be alive and to be human. So you provided some meaning to her life, or kind of some action and drama to her story, from a certain perspective. This is actually good for the relationship...to develop meaning together. To have some sense of excitement. Better than being completely boring and predictable. But yeah that being said...best to not intentionally do this kind of thing to hurt her; try your best to be good to her. Just my ideas.

[Daeluin]

Using the Wuxing as a model, the creation cycle can be seen as harmonious.

 

When there is imbalance, the creation cycle can be used to regain balance without conflict.... say Wood is in excess, stimulating the creation of Fire will reduce the Wood without conflict.

 

But if Wood is too attached to it's position and doesn't want to create more Fire, doesn't want to change.... then refining might be helpful in order to regain balance.

 

Refining is the control cycle, and Metal controls Wood, Wood controls Earth. Control introduces pressure, and should be used carefully so as not to destroy the existing harmony. But when used appropriately, adding a little bit of pressure and conflict can really help to crack things open that were stagnant and out of balance, and allow what was already in harmony to operate within deeper layers.

 

So... in this situation, it sounds like some refining took place. It was a minor bit of conflict in the midst of an otherwise harmonious relationship, and likely served to take the relationship to a deeper place. In the end perhaps she felt that her needs were heard and understood, and that helped her feel even closer to you, even as you, perhaps a little uncertain what direction things were going, were especially sensitive to listening to her needs and being supportive. Whatever you did to cause the upset was sorta like the controlling process acting upon her, and her need to discuss it was sorta like the controlling process acting upon you.

 

"Is it bad to make someone cry?"

 

It's all about appropriate balance in the moment. Sometimes little bits of conflict can help nurture greater balance, and when balance is needed this can be helpful, and can facilitate evolution to new layers. Naturally conflict can be used in the wrong way and end up creating greater imbalance as well.

 

When deciding whether or not to say something that might hurt another person, ask yourself whether this will end up creating greater harmony, and whether it is an appropriate dosage. If too much pressure is added, sometimes people simply close off and disconnect. Because of this, the more we are able to share feedback with a nurturing and compassionate tone that will help to maintain or even increase the openness, the more work can be done.

[juliank]

Certainly, I would never intentionally hurt her to create drama or make her cry. This was one isolated instance in an otherwise smoothly running ship.

 

Daeliun summed up my reflections perfectly. I have prided myself on being very "even" emotionally in this relationship. However, I realized that this little conflict while unintentional on my end did bring us closer.

[idiot_stimpy]

Violence follows sex, and sex follows violence.

[Nungali]

Is this site becoming a relationship counseling site? This is clearly OT.

 

Ummm ... yeah ... perhaps now it should be.

[sillybearhappyhoneyeater]

rule number one of social relationships: focus on kindness

rule number two: no cruelty

 

following these correctly will ensure that your girlfriend only cries tears of joy.

[Michael Sternbach]

Let's not overlook that relationships are also tools for spiritual growth. Very effective ones, in fact. Love is Alchemy, Alchemy is Love. Yin and Yang mingling with each other... sometimes a little smoke can't be avoided.

[joeblast]

I'll go dig up...

 

Maybe a more simple "dont compromise yourself for the appearance of well being in certain others" would be more apropos

 

Better to be honest, and let the waterworks happen, as opposed to catering your verbiage to her ego. You didnt make her cry, her attachment to her "worldview of you" is what made her cry. Dont speak up and that fantasy worldview of you becomes more and more like a funny mirror for her.

[C T]

I'll go dig up...

 

 

 

Better to be honest, and let the waterworks happen, as opposed to catering your verbiage to her ego. You didnt make her cry, her attachment to her "worldview of you" is what made her cry. Dont speak up and that fantasy worldview of you becomes more and more like a funny mirror for her.

Spot on.

[BaguaKicksAss]

Interesting "verbiage" from a few posts:

 

Drama work

Catering your verbiage to her ego

Waterworks

That fantasy worldview

Funny mirror

 

Does anyone see these as loaded statements? That could be replaced with sentences that reflect greater clarity and compassion?

 

(joeblast, I'm not making this personal.)

 

Yes definitely.

[Marblehead]

Yes definitely.

I disagree. Those are all normal modes of communications here at TaoBums. Be elusive.

[joeblast]

Does anyone see these as loaded statements? That could be replaced with sentences that reflect greater clarity and compassion?

oh, the irony

 

yes, yes, choose your words more carefully

 

see how that dynamic comes about?

 

of course my words are tending towards the extremity, perhaps, because not all approaches are appropriate for all situations.

[Flolfolil]

...

Edited March 5, 2015 by Flolfolil

[Nungali]

Edited October 20, 2014 by Nungali

[juliank]

Update:

 

As of this weekend there has been a massive shift in her behavior. She has become more affectionate, more attentive, initiated sex more often, and has been more engaged in general. I hesitate to interpret this shift as purely attributed to the drama that ensued on Thursday but that her behavior has changed is undeniable.

[ralis]

Update:

 

As of this weekend there has been a massive shift in her behavior. She has become more affectionate, more attentive, initiated sex more often, and has been more engaged in general. I hesitate to interpret this shift as purely attributed to the drama that ensued on Thursday but that her behavior has changed is undeniable.

 

You think that the whole world needs to know about your personal sex life? This is not a dating/relationship site. Take it somewhere else. This thread should be in the pit!

[Daeluin]

Update:

 

As of this weekend there has been a massive shift in her behavior. She has become more affectionate, more attentive, initiated sex more often, and has been more engaged in general. I hesitate to interpret this shift as purely attributed to the drama that ensued on Thursday but that her behavior has changed is undeniable.

 

I've noticed this a bit in my own circles.

 

This is the end of the metal season. The harvest is in. The crazy huge projects brought on by this fire horse year are coming to a close and bringing us release. Freedom. Reflection. And socialization.

 

The past week has been a great release for many around me, and there is an increase in the light-heartedness and flirtation all around me. People are letting go of what held them back in some respects.

 

In Western Astrology they say the first expression of an element (aries, taurus, gemini, cancer) is related to internalization, the second (leo, virgo, libra, scorpio) related to expression and sharing that element with others, and the third expression (sag, capricorn, aquarius, pisces) related to the universal integration of that element.

 

So in Libra we have air (mental, social, balance, harmony, judgement) expressing and exchanging with others on the surface. People are being flirty, light-hearted and worrying less about stuff. And we're about to enter scorpio - the second expression of water: sharing emotions with others. This is when the libran flirtatiousness gets deep, crazy sex, make it or break it issues ensue as people try to navigate the fact that sharing an emotion with others invites the death and rebirth - transformation - of that emotion.

 

Always fascinating when things decide to unfold.