Am I physically capable of spiritual evolution?

[Audiohealing]

Edited February 9, 2015 by Audiohealing

[Anoesjka]

Audiohealing, I applaud you for being this honest about yourself and for the investigation you did into your personality. I think what's very important, is the will that you show to progress on the journey to become truly human. And we all are on that journey, autistic or neurotypical, spiritual or not. To become truly human is to recognize your own divinity (and the divine in others). Your own divinity is never less than that of someone else, because it is one and the same.

 

Just go on with being aware of how you feel (or not). That alone is a huge step that a lot of people are not going to take during their lifetime.

[Nikolai1]

Have you been officially diagnosed, or did you read some checklist and think 'yeah, that's me!'

 

When narcissists read checklists of all the negative traits, they respond narcissistically, by saying 'that is SO not me!

 

Diagnosis requires objective viewpoints, from colleagues, family and clinicians.

 

It's very possible that your spiritual development has brought you to a place that many reach. It is the simple realisation that our motives weren't always pure and honourable. This doesn't make you narcissistic, just a person with increased insight into themselves and the normal human condition.

[Audiohealing]

Edited February 9, 2015 by Audiohealing

[thelerner]

small steps.

 

Know thyself,

be aware of ones actions.

There is no perfect,

but there's better.

That is spiritual evolution.

 

ofcourse you can get there.

[Spotless]

It could not be the crushingexperienceyou are having if you were not closer to your self than you realize.

 

Everything that has brought you to this point be grateful for because it is the dawn of change - real change if you do not retreat from it. The terror is not a terror from deep within, it is a terror formed and drawn from the impending death of habituations and identifications that all at once feel as though they are falling away in their grasp. A free fall from society and its seeming "normality" but with no net of certainty in what might befall you.

 

Unwrapping this compressed state is not so difficult with proper guidance - it is far more physical than you might imagine - you will not "mind" your way through this or "out" of it.

 

Where on this planet do you live?

Edited November 10, 2014 by Spotless

[liminal_luke]

Hi Audiohealing,

 

I can´t say of course whether or not you have narcissistic personality disorder. What I can say, is that most people with that malady aren´t nearly so self-aware as you are. Most people with NPD don´t have near the desire to change and heal. So your willingness to look at yourself and write the post you did is a great sign and bodes well for your healing in the future.

 

Narcissism exists on a continuum. Most everyone is somewhat narcissistic at one time or another. It´s part of the human condition. And we can all work on ourselves and change.

 

You ask whether you are capable of growth and change and the answer, no matter what diagnosis you give yourself and whether you are accurate or not, is YES. You can change, all the more so if you are willing to look at yourself and work on yourself. And it seems that you are. That´s something you can genuinely feel proud of.

 

Part of narcissism is the belief that you are special. You are not special. Well, you are special-- but not in a special way. You are special in the way that all of us are special. Everybody struggles in life. You struggle in your own way, and it may feel like the worst possible nightmare to you, but other people struggle as well in their different ways. Some people suffer with terrible physical problems, disease and disabilities. Others are burdened with mental difficulties of various sorts: depression, anxiety, psychosis. Still others suffer with terrible external conditions--war, poverty, abusive family situations, needing to care for sick relatives, and on and on. These kind of struggles are part of the human condition. If you´re unhappy, you´re in good company. Everybody has been unhappy at one time or another.

 

So take heart. You´ve come to the right place. There are so many wise people here on taobums doing all kinds of healing practices. You might well get inspired to take up a practice that you feel drawn to, that might help you become the person you want to be. I know it´s happened to me.

 

Even more importantly, you have your own inner wisdom. Deep down you know what will help. And then there´s life itself which always presents us with opportunities to heal and grow. These opportunities might not feel good when they are happening--indeed they may feel like crisises, like nightmares--but they are steppingstones that can lead you into a better place. Perhaps life is presenting with just such a steppingstone right now.

 

Take care,

 

Liminal

Edited November 10, 2014 by liminal_luke

[GrandmasterP]

You don't have NPD.

NPD people have no insight.

You have.

Edited November 10, 2014 by GrandmasterP

[Audiohealing]

Edited February 9, 2015 by Audiohealing

[BaguaKicksAss]

Everyone is capable of spiritual evolution. Definitely keep up regular practice, as it takes time and work. You have some certain things to overcome, and other people have others.

 

I would also say "allow" instead of "force" these things to come.

 

Ever tried Tonglen?

[johndoe2012]

I don't have a recipe for success but basically it is very difficult to love and bond to others if you have a lot of anger in you.

 

The desire to bond to others is natural but because of circumstances in upbringing and sometimes pre-birth then it becomes very difficult.

 

Eg. if your mother didn't really want you then life will seem harder for you than for others.

 

I believe now that the dark knight syndrome is something deeper than I previously thought. It is not only a state of confusion where the mind goes beserk because it is on its way out - I think it is because of trauma that inhibits the natural dropping down into your heart.

 

The split in personality can sometimes feel as if a bubble is sorrounding you - and feeling incapable of going through it.

 

Also a feeling of being frozen in certain actions related to your sense of self.

 

I think conscious understanding is part of the healing process - since it seems the mind is holding on. So discovering what caused the trauma might help though therapy is not an easy process.

 

Also connecting to someone who is on a very high level vibrationally and have a loving, generous attitude will help.

 

The biology / neurology also plays its part since it is necessary to generate new pathways in the brain and open up unused parts.

 

So a lot of rewiring is needed.

[freeform]

Some great replies for you here.

 

And I wanted to offer you a small practice that you can use. Small because when we're at a crossroads of uncertainty, we tend to want big and dramatic, but often it is the small things that we do that affect us most. And of course it only seems like it's small

 

My suggestion is to practice attending to people. That is, put your awareness completely out and use all your attention to listen/watch/feel the person in front of you. Don't overcomplicate with 'love' or any other addition other than observation.

 

The practice is moving your attention from inside of you to the outside and on someone else. Create finer and finer distinctions of observation... watch for posture, watch for breathing, watch for movement, listen for the changes in voice tone, the pacing of speech.

 

Watch facial expressions, the small muscular movements, the big ones, the changes of tension, changes of colour.

 

Feel the distance between you, feel their posture and breathing pattern, feel the pacing of their movement, feel their emotions. Smell might take some time to become sensitive with, but people's smells change - sense that, notice what you can.

 

The quality of your attention should be effortless, smooth and spacious - not intense and focused. Spread your awareness covering all of the person rather than jumping from observation to observation - you already know how to do this, you just forgot.

 

When you sense a reaction within yourself (he's lying, she's happy, he's interested, she's tired etc) notice that this is your reaction and notice that it's you adding meaning to what you observe, then go back to observation. You'll notice that (especially in the beginning) that you'll need to do lots of these course corrections... But after a while you'll notice that there's a meditative quality to watching others, you'll begin to lose yourself in them. This will be accompanied by many changes within yourself, but don't worry about that.

 

After a while (some months normally) when you're able to comfortably maintain your awareness on someone and lose yourself in them, then begin doing the same process but on yourself... noticing and making fine observational distinctions in yourself. My foot is on a warm stone, my spine is curved to one side, I feel a smile coming etc etc. lose yourself in observing yourself

 

Once you're comfortable with this, alternate between attentions on you and attention on other... at first the shifting will take maybe 20 seconds, but work to have it get quicker and quicker, so that you can fully shift from you to them to you to them in microseconds.

 

That's (roughly speaking) level one and level two of the practice and there is a level three, if you like the effects of the first two levels then get in touch and I'll explain the next level.

 

Some points to consider:

Your heart mind will be going through changes - don't be surprised to have unexplained emotional reactions in quiet moments. Practicing some qigong is a good idea during this process.

 

You should be practicing this with everyone - literally everyone you either meet or don't meet. Say you're sitting at a park bench and are able to see someone in front of you - practice it with them... or the cashier, or your friends or family etc etc. However when you get to the point of losing yourself in someone, you'll need to be conscious about your choices because your focus will affect them aswell as yourself. Again practicing qigong particularly one that opens your heart is important here.

 

Be careful as sometimes people will become 'addicted' to that sort of attention. Just remember that it's not personal - they're not attracted by your 'specialness' but by the energy of your attention. Don't get distracted by this, and move onto attention on yourself.

 

So brief re-cap:

1) All attention on other. Soft focus, never intense. When you add 'meaning' to the observations, just notice and move back to simple observations.

2) All attention on yourself. (All the pointers above)

3) Shift attention from you to other. Increase speed

 

I didn't mean to write a whole essay! But I needed to be thorough I case you do decide to actually practice this

Edited November 11, 2014 by freeform

[Flolfolil]

...

Edited March 5, 2015 by Flolfolil

[Dharmakaya]

Indeed some good advice here. I would say kind of to follow up on what NIkolia1 was saying, where you seem to be at is actually a really good place to start. In Buddhism, the path begins with the recognition that you are suffering, only once you realize this can you begin to change it in a meaningful way. The fact is that everyone suffers, and if you become aware of this and your self-centered tendencies than frankly you may have a spiritual leg up on most people. Seriously, a place of genuine dissatisfaction with ourselves, or the state of our lives is THE starting point for genuine spiritual practice. Congratulations! ha

 

It sounds like you have been doing spiritual practices before, and seemingly using them to enhance your ego? For this problem Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism by Chogyam Trungpa is a great book to read. Also it can be helpful to have some notion of the true goal of (Buddhist) spiritual practice, which is attainment! If you are interested in this I would recommend reading Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha by Daniel Ingram. It's available as a free PDF download online.

 

Cheers!

Edited November 12, 2014 by Dharmakaya

[Flolfolil]

...

Edited March 5, 2015 by Flolfolil

[MooNiNite]

EVERYONE IS ALWAYS ABLE TO EVOLVE SPIRITUALLY.

 

(i just noticed caps lock is on, but not gonna edit that.)

[Audiohealing]

Guys, plz help. For reference, I wrote the original post.

 

I am sinking lower, and lower, and lower. My ego has such tremendous strength, and it has insidiously invaded almost every part of my consciousness. I am going through another very intense rend of the Dark Night of the Soul right now, and although I can CLEARLY see there is something to be gained from it, now, I don't seem to have the capacity to enter or exit my self-created trap! Every step I try to take in a positive direction just pulls me down lower.

 

I realized I have lived a lie for most of my life, not willingly mind you, but perhaps due to karma, compulsively trapping myself deeper and deeper into a false identity. From never having had a center, I have just scattered myself multi-directionally, almost never comitting to anything, never following through, just experiencing bits and pieces of satisfaction in either doing nothing or pleasure-seeking, thinking I was living correctly. Lie, after lie, after lie. When I tried to "wise up" and get myself together, that all just got more sophisticated, especially when I got into spirituality, boy did that tangle things up-

 

The crazy thing was that I thought at one point, and still periodically do, that I have already ascended, and waiting for everyone else to come along. That everyone is so slow, and dumb, and are wasting their time with trivial affairs in the material world. That they're definitely not as enlightened as myself. It happens completely unconsciously, I think it's when my ego recharges itself, it just takes over. I would not be able to write this kind of (honest and humiliating) post about myself in that sort of state, I would simply state that everything is fine, and that I am probably ahead of everyone else on the ascension scale. I would have zero capacity to be honest with myself. The scary thing is that unless I do something about it now, it will probably happen again, probably in a few months time. I would be reading this post, and I would just see it as a "bad phase" in my life, knowing perfectly well it will come back. I would be on "high", and that high would see me through, more wreckless behavior, blissfull self-escapism, thinking I've finally "got it", whatever the hell it is. So insidious, it would disguise itself as love... well maybe some of it is..

 

Unless.. unless I do something about it. Unless I just finally figure out what is the trauma, where is it coming from... but I can't find it. I can meditate for hours, and still not find anything. Just various thinking mechanisms, compulsive trains of thought that do not allow to get to the heart of the matter.

 

Right now, no matter how hard I try, I do not seem to find any capacity to love or have empathy inside of myself, for myself, or anyone. Perhaps it is worse than before, due to accumulated trauma and damaging my energy body over the years, as I do recall having the capacity for the feeling before, but not anymore. I'm not sure if what I felt was even love, or just euphoric power structures disguising itself as love. I can sit and dig and search inside of myself for hours on end in meditation to find what once was, but it's not there. Screaming at myself to find it. LOOK, I'm willing to embrace my dark side, my shadow self. Here I am! Have at it!!! But alas... nothing. Just more insidious thinking, thought after thought, about not finding anything, and why it's all doomed to failure. Like an automatic body mechanism. It's incredibly visceral, too. I feel it in my solar plexus- it tightens up so bad that I cringe and have trouble breathing. I can actually feel the tightness and cramping "crawl" around my body. There is only various degrees of fear, anger and sadness. That's all I feel. What propels me to keep going is some kind of feeling that I can't identify, which is similar to drinking coffee or taking amphetamines. That's my ONLY reference point right now. I seem absolutely unable to relate to anyone or anything- it is literally one of the most terrifying realizations I've ever had in my life. Fightning it only makes it resist and feeds it!

 

I feel like the only way out at this point is for my ego to somehow completely shatter to reveal what's underneath, if there's anything left, but I don't see how that could happen. So far as I see it, it's just going to disguise itself time and time again, and lay over justification after justification about how things are and why they are this way.

 

It just seems there is nothing to "grasp" or any kind of reference in order to start doing anything about it- I feel completely, utterly helpless and broken, and although my sense of self shifts periodically through the years, and there are times when I feel good, the good times are only when my ego is energized enough to persue more energy for itself.

 

I have noticed people feel drained and tired, and literally look sick after interacting with me- something I've noticed time and time again, especially in the last year or so, and it terrifies me, because I absolutely do not want this, AT ALL. It happens even when I deliberately try to do good, and care, and listen, and empathize, and contribute. I am doubting my own sincerity behind my good actions, and part of me is laughing at myself thinking there is any possibility for genuine love in me. It's absolutely terrifying.

 

I know killing myself is not the way out, and I have to somehow manoeuver myself into a sense of self-acceptance and self-love, at the very least, but I just don't see my case resolving itself. Not that I'm being pessimistic, but I literally cannot "sense" the solution, that is, how it would be or what it would look like, or any of that. I can only recall a vague feeling, very vague, but it is buried in pain.

 

I honestly feel like I deserve to be on some kind of leper colony island for people devoid of love. I can't recall if I was born broken, or if it was my upbringing, or some kind of head injury (I have had several), but I realize that everything my soul stands for (ascension, unconditional love, embracing each other through non-judgement), what I thought "I" stood for, prior to falling into this recent Dark Night of the Soul, is everything my body and mind stand against, viscerally, automatically, and I believe it would rather kill me than show me a way out.

 

I am completely and utterly lost and I feel I am running out of time, as the incredible stress is dwinling my health away day by day, repeating the same karmic cycle over and over. I see people on their way to ascension now, sincerely loving each other, but not me, and I am scrambling, feeling like I'm not going to make it. That's OK, I guess, perhaps not this round, but how can I accept it? The insidious thing is that my body (ego) feels it's more important for ME to ascend, then to actually find a way to love in order to ascend. It's like I can't even explain it. It's always all about ME.. but I can't turn it off!!!

 

I feel my last resort is simply a complete acceptance for who I am, and what I will probably have to live with for the rest of my life, but that very thought itself is ripping me apart- it's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. My ego seems to have gained too much strength, and imbued in me too far, I fear I am losing the very CAPACITY to even find or work on a way out. Help! Please! I want to change! I want to feel and love!!!

 

And yet people may read this and go "ew, what a horrible person, I don't want to give HIM any advice"! But I say to that, please, I swear there is something real and genuine in me, and if that part of me could genuinely thank you and pay you back it would, but it's too small, it's voice is buried, but it's still crying out for help..

Edited November 13, 2014 by Audiohealing

[Audiohealing]

In any case, I know that my life, and what I am going through right now, is exactly where it is at, and where it should be. There are no mistakes. I know that I need to experience everything, all of this, to understand things about myself, to go on, whatever "go on" means. I don't know right now, it's hard for me to see ahead even one minute because I am in entropy. I feel like a black hole, compulsively sucking in pain. It reminds me I'm alive. Where is the liberation? I only crave to go completely unconscious and no longer exist- I am being totally honest here. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, or at least wake up in a new existence, a new "normal" me, with no memory of this nightmare I am living.

I have made many positive realizations about myself in the last few days, positive in the sense that I now realize things about me I was ignoring before, but that only adds on to the pain, and makes the ego resist even more, so I am simultaneously alternating between cycles of revelations about me, and escaping myself- simply due to the fact that I have to survive in this world.

When I go out and interact with people, if I just asked my "true self" to shine, I would not even talk. I would walk around like a vegetable. The only way I am able to communicate is by energizing my ego, and putting on some kind of display to seem half normal. I'm already comatose on the inside, completely void and empty. I just want to know where to go from here to become a normal, loving human being. I want to heal so bad- and I've been trying for so long without avail.

 

But again I remind myself, this is where I am, this is where I need to be. Gotta keep breathing, gotta keep going.. keep on going...

Edited November 13, 2014 by Audiohealing

[Audiohealing]

I can, yes, I can recall genuine love. I have it in me, but it is attached to something much stronger than it, that goes "nope, watch this", and then unleashes anger, or fear, that drowns out the love, making it fleeting, just like my life. Fleeting moments of love, but not void of it, certainly not. I am not a monster, far from it. I am human, with the best of intentions, fighting against my own self. Self-destructing, but seeking to climb out. Perhaps one day, far off... I will climb out of it, but will I still be "me"? What is "me", anyway? I thought I knew, I don't anymore- not even close. What is "I" is a lie. Stacks of lies, and more lies to justify those lies, living various states of those, but I cannot tap into my true self... but perhaps now that I know those lies are just lies- they're not real, I stand a chance. It's a constant struggle, and because I can't go in, I can only escape.

Edited November 13, 2014 by Audiohealing

[liminal_luke]

Hi Audiohealing,

 

I don´t think I have the answer you´re looking for but just wanted to say I don´t think you´re a horrible person at all-- or even someone with narcissistic personality disorder for that matter.

 

I´m remembering a story I heard at a Buddhist vipassana retreat once. The story went that the head lama from Thailand came to teach at the US retreat center. He asked the meditators how long they could go before a thought came up and interruppted the silience of their meditation. When people said they could go a relatively long period of time without thinking--say a minute--he knew that they were just beginning students. The more advanced meditators couldn´t go more than a few seconds.

 

It seems counterintuitive but from a certain point of view makes sense. The beginning meditators were so unaware they weren´t even aware that they were unaware. They were thinking all the time without noticing. The more experienced students had delevoped this exquisite attentiveness to their own minds and knew very well when even the most wispy thought arised.

 

I guess I´m wondering if something analogous is happening to you now. Maybe you´re not any more narcissistic or egoistic or whatever than anybody else. Maybe your life is no more false than everybody else´s. But somehow you´ve got yourself in this place where even wispy little bits of falseness or ego pain you very deeply. You´re aware, and much of the time awareness hurts.

 

I had a chi nei tsang teacher (taoist abdominal massage) who talked about "the price of awareness." How for people to heal they needed to be guided to put their attention (gently) into the exact spot that held the pain. To breathe into that spot. Well, nobody wants to do that. Everybody wants to go around pretending that spot doesn´t exist.

 

For me growth has mostly been a gradual cumulative process, something that sneaks up on me. But I do believe there are those moments when we step over a threshold. We cross through the doorway and there´s no going back. Awareness can be like that. Sometimes you can´t make yourself not know something once you really know it.

 

Which is a good thing right? Ultimately probably.. It´s the way of healing and evolution. But it doesn´t always feel good when it´s happening.

 

Whew. Ok, just some thoughts which might or might not apply to you but I started and wanted to share. Hope you feel better soon.

 

Liminal

Edited November 14, 2014 by liminal_luke

[Audiohealing]

Edited February 9, 2015 by Audiohealing

[Gerard]

Try Baguazhang. If you have the chance...it will literally change your life, for better...and if you couple it with seated meditation...only the sky is the limit. Good luck!

[freeform]

The mind is a powerful thing. The ego is, indeed, very clever at getting its own way.

 

The problem here is that you're taking yourself very seriously. The ego gets its kicks by making itself seem important. Notice how much of what you've written is focused on yourself... I would say pretty much all of it. It all seems very important to you I'm sure, but the problem is that you're hyper focused on yourself. The practice I suggested earlier in this thread is designed to counteract that.

 

What you may want to also try is finding all this funny. Because it is. It's ridiculous. When you catch your mind trying to make itself important, just notice and laugh It's the most appropriate reaction to your situation

Edited November 15, 2014 by freeform

[Audiohealing]

Edited February 9, 2015 by Audiohealing

[kudos100]

Be careful of labels. Sometimes they can be helpful, sometime not.

 

I'd agree with what others have said, you seem to have too much insight to have narcissistic personality disorder.

 

I have an ex girlfriend who most likely has this this and let me tell you, she has no insight whatsoever. It is as if her brain is unable to even entertain the possibility that she could possibly have any flaws. It is quite astounding. Her mother calls her "queen of the f**cking universe," I'm not joking.

You seem to have some traits you don't like about yourself. This can definitely come as a shock when it slaps you in the face and you realise that you may actually be different to how you perceive yourself. I know it did for me.

My suggestion would be to try and be kind to yourself. Easier said than done and something I struggle with a lot. It does help though.