Love the One you're With

[manitou]

Many might remember the Stephen Stills song with this title: Love the One You're With. I woke up this morning with this song running through my mind.

(The particular lyrics of that song aren't pertinent to this discussion, only the title).

I've been in a relationship, an on and off relationship, for 30 years. I've tried countless times to end this relationship, but have never been able to. We've been married and divorced from each other twice, and we're still together. Unmarried, but together.

My whole life, the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence. This was just my make-up, and it was a recurring theme throughout my life. I always had one eye on the current relationship and the other eye wandering (not in an actual physical way, I wasn't actually BORN in West Virginia or anything!) I was always looking for something Better. But I was never without a relationship. I was capable of going to the lowest depths to find one; anything but being Alone.

So I guess this falls under the category of 'be careful of what you pray for' (at least, back when I used to pray to 'something')

For the first 25 years of this co-dependent, torturous relationship with Joe (due to our mutual alcoholic personalities), we made each other miserable. And he would go out and get drunk - skid row drunk - every time we had an argument for the first 10 years we were together.

But a funny thing has happened; maybe because our co-dependency was stronger than our desire to leave. A few years back, I was listening to my car radio and that song came on. Love the One you're With. And it hit me like a thunderbolt, although I had heard that song countless time before. Why not try actually loving this man? Why not stop looking for something better, or smarter, or someone of greater social stature? Just make the darn decision: love him!

 

And so began the process of acceptance. First of all, acceptance of myself, because I saw the tendency that had haunted me my whole life; never being satisfied with what I had. The second part was accepting Joe total for what he is, and not wishing he were different in some ways. What a huge difference this decision - merely a decision! - has made in our lives. I actually go out of my way to do nice things for him now. I count the blessings we have together, as opposed to focusing on the differences.

 

Well, relating this to my own spiritual growth, I must say that this has probably been one of the biggest components of it. It opened my eyes just a bit to unconditional love, to forgiveness, to remaining in one place and focused - and not 'waiting for the next one'. To be Here Now.

 

And most of all, to come to the realization that I Am responsible for my own happiness - not someone else. Someone else can never give it to me, I must give it to myself. What an incredible awareness this has been. And the funny thing is, we have a wonderful life together now; as I have changed, he seems to have followed suit. Or maybe I am just seeing it with different eyes.

 

I am very thankful today for this loyal friend of 30 years that has been part of me - and who has been the mirror for me to see the changes that I need to make within myself. And today, when we do have a bit of a dust-up, which is not real often any more, they blow over quickly. In fact, we now have a plan for any little spats we get into - we have a big trailer sitting up at the top of the property that he can stay in. But it happens hardly at all any more.

 

It seems that there are two dynamics within all of us. One dynamic is 'that which we want', and the other is 'that which we need'. I realize today that Joe has been the very 'lapidary' that I needed to smooth out my rough edges, and I have been that for him. I'm happy to say that today, we fit like a hand in a glove. But I would never have imagined, in my earlier life, that a fellow like Joe was what I needed. What a surprise.

 

Love the one you're with.

Edited December 25, 2014 by manitou

[johndoe2012]

Very fine writing.

 

You are a good communicator and a blessing to this forum.

 

 

And most of all, to come to the realization that I Am responsible for my own happiness - not someone else.

 

This is true. Something I am working on myself.

 

Thanks for this post

[Marblehead]

Just in case some of our younger members don't know the song:

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NypCROu8YVQ

 

[GrandmasterP]

Lovely, beautifully written post and so true.

Thank you Manitou.

 

[3bob]

Manitou, I think that is really an uplifting and evolved meaning and reflection you've given compared to the original context of the words in that old, irresponsible, catchy tune from the late 60's era of "free-love" that was often very costly!

Thanks for sharing

[joeblast]

I can sympathize, for I felt like that for a long time, perhaps a third of your time manitou - but sometimes, there's no better path forward.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWxnGf7isqc

 

now its groovy

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wl4DKmbfDyk

[rene]

manitou, friend,

 

Thank you for your words and open heart. It's no small thing, to me, that what we need comes. Sometimes quickly, sometimes eventually; but always. May I share with you how your words are exactly what I need in this moment?

 

My beloved husband died four years ago come May. We were inseparable, joined at the heart. Just as it takes a high-speed train a long time to slow down and stop - my emptiness lasted years. Until last November, actually. Then I met Tom and suddenly I was alive again. Love pierced my heart, mended it with a thunderbolt. (-:

 

But now, over these last two months, I'm realizing that part of me wants Tom to fill another's shoes, in the same way I had it before; in the same inseparable ways. And that's not right. We cant make people be the way we want them to be; we can only make ourselves the way we want to be. As you reminded me - I am responsible for my own happiness.

 

What you said about being Alone is very true. Tom sparked me alive, yes, but if he and I dont last (or if I am never in another relationship again) the Alone thing for me has changed. It's not possible for me to be Alone again; my heart is joined with Love itself, and it comes in many ways, in many forms.

 

Right now I'm enjoying Tom (i.e. love the one you're with) just the way he is (i.e. love the one you're with) but mostly I'm enjoying being alive again. It's been a long time since the breathing was easy, and sometimes I stumble especially in these early days. Your words, from open heart and love, helped me self-right - just when I needed them most.

 

Thank you.

 

warm greetings

rene

[manitou]

Rene - 'Like', times 10.

 

I don't think the Alone thing is with me any more - nor is it with Joe. If one of us died today, the other one would be just fine. Through working through all the so-called negative dynamics and bouncing off each other continuously, we have both become a more whole entity, individually, than we were before we met.

 

And I also know this. That if one of us died and the survivor did choose to enter another relationship, that it would be for the right reasons. Healthy reasons. I look at myself as being half a jigsaw puzzle when I met Joe - and so was he. Our pieces seemed to fit each other just perfectly, hooking into each other (and looking for each other) to complete that which needed completion. And we found it, sure enough - but it was a horrendous task for both of us for so many years. Many over the years have called our relationship co-dependent - and I have been encouraged by many to just move on to another. But what would that result in? Just finding someone else that fit my particular configuration of the incomplete jigsaw puzzle at that given time.

 

Joe Blast - How I used to identify with that song, 50 Ways to Leave your Lover. That seemed to be my mantra, Always looking for The One who would fix me. Never found it. What a surprise. I had to find it in myself.

[vonkrankenhaus]

I just want to write that, as a human being, and as a man, I am deeply moved in reading this thread, and I very much appreciate the opportunity to read all of this.

 

Thank You, to Manitou and rene and everyone participating.

 

-VonKrankenhaus

[ChiDragon]

..........But a funny thing has happened; maybe because our co-dependency was stronger than our desire to leave. A few years back, I was listening to my car radio and that song came on. Love the One you're With. And it hit me like a thunderbolt, although I had heard that song countless time before. Why not try actually loving this man? Why not stop looking for something better, or smarter, or someone of greater social stature? Just make the darn decision: love him!

Many members were looking for the definition of "enlightenment"; and here is. It has to be experienced but not by searching. And this what I called enlightenment. Manitou had been experienced her sudden enlightenment of love. Congratulations....!!!

[Aetherous]

I just want to write that, as a human being, and as a man, I am deeply moved in reading this thread, and I very much appreciate the opportunity to read all of this.

 

Same here. I am inspired to cultivate acceptance of others!

[manitou]

Chi Dragon - Thank you, darling. I think you may be on to something there as to the acceptance / enlightenment connection.

Edited December 25, 2014 by manitou

[Andrei]

Manitou, awesome writing. In my experience there are two kinds of men, winners and losers. If the woman meets a looser, she will look for someone better, but she does not know that the destiny brought him into her life because of the lessons she needs to learn. But women always reject loosers and look for winners. I always was a looser, I loved my girl with all my heart but she broke mine. Girl, you gotta love your man!

 

[rene]

Someone that loves with all their heart doesn't sound like a loser to me.

[ChiDragon]

.......... What a surprise.

 

Love the one you're with.

 

The difference between being enlightened and not is only a split second away in the thoughts......

Edited December 25, 2014 by ChiDragon

[rene]

Our pieces seemed to fit each other just perfectly, hooking into each other (and looking for each other) to complete that which needed completion.

 

manitou, the jigsaw puzzle-piece analogy is spot on. (-:

 

VonKrankenhaus, Aetherous, kind words, thanks and you're most welcome.

 

warm regards

[manitou]

If the woman meets a looser, she will look for someone better, but she does not know that the destiny brought him into her life because of the lessons she needs to learn. But women always reject loosers and look for winners. I always was a looser, I loved my girl with all my heart but she broke mine. Girl, you gotta love your man!

 

 

Unless the woman, like myself, has a savior-complex and goes out of her way to find the ones she can fix. Also because she hadn't enough self-esteem, like myself, who ever felt that a winner was a good fit. I've rejected many really good men in my young life, particularly when I was working - good lawyers, doctors, cops, judges, a chief of police (who was the 'the one that got away' and whom I tended to measure others up to) - and yet my 30 year partner turned out to be a recovering skid row wino and ex-con. How strange this all works. He turned out to be the right fit after all. How odd.

Edited December 25, 2014 by manitou

[3bob]

Manitou, I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty to extrapolate on your last sentence above by saying: a spiritual ally tested by fire always fits, for they have passed the points of unfitting .

Edited December 25, 2014 by 3bob

[manitou]

Manitou, I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty to extrapolate on your last sentence above by saying: a spiritual ally tested by fire always fits, for they have passed the points of unfitting .

Your words bring me quite a bit of comfort. And Joe is truly a spiritual ally, and nobody in their right mind would call him a loser today.

[GrandmasterP]

I was married at age 17 and the first Mrs GMP was 18.

26 years together and kinda grew up side by side during that time then gradually apart once the kids had grown and flown.

Amicable divorce thankfully my great aunt died and left me a house and some land so we were both sorted for homes and finances without arguing the toss.

I then had several years living as a crusty old bachelor with a non live in housekeeper who cleaned, washed, ironed and left me a hot meal weekdays .

Weekends I ate out or ordered in.

Thought that was it for me and was pretty well settled into a routine.

I've never been one for the ladies and the very few women I did meet who showed an interest we never quite hit it off until I met the lady who is now Mrs GMP and we've been together 13 years now with our 11the wedding anniversary next May.

Never really understood what fulfilment meant before.

We're quite different in many ways, Mrs GMP is a practical 'doer of deeds' whereas I am a congenitally lazy procrastinator.

Thus far this has made retirement quite interesting as we're more or less together 24/7.

Due to the isolated place we've moved in to there's seldom anyone else to see or speak to except each other.

Edited December 25, 2014 by GrandmasterP

[manitou]

Same here, GMP. We're pretty isolated out here too and are also together 24/7.

[3bob]

I've always had a problem with that term "loser" being that it is more or less ego based via ego measurements.

 

As far as Spirit is concerned there are no losers for Spirit never gives up or loses, working in any way possible or even the seemingly impossible.

[rene]

... until I met the lady who is now Mrs GMP ...

 

Yep. Amazing how that happens.

It's like, the heart goes - oh! there it is!

And not a dam thing we can do about it, imo

 

****

 

manitou - i've come to another realization since my earlier post. kind of a full circle thing but with a different outcome. I AM responsible for my own Happiness, yes. And for me to be happy I need to stay true to my own nature. It's in my nature to thrive with an inseparable mate. It doesn't need to be 24/7 - but 20/7 would be nice. So...if that lines up with Tom's nature - wonderful! If not... I'm not sure what will happen. I hope it does... but he needs to stay true to his nature, too.

 

Who knows what life will bring next?

I like not knowing.

More exciting that way!

[GrandmasterP]

Same here, GMP. We're pretty isolated out here too and are also together 24/7.

 

It's very much a learning curve for us right now.

Only been here 11 weeks.

Mrs GMP took early retirement so was home for the past four years and at the old place she had a network of chums which she's currently missing for sure.

 

[Aetherous]

But women always reject loosers and look for winners. I always was a looser, I loved my girl with all my heart but she broke mine.

 

I would not consider you a loser, and am very surprised that you called yourself that.

 

There's no need to give you a pep talk or try to say that negative self-talk is negative...but think about this: she agreed to date you in the first place, right? By your own logic, if women only look for winners, then she looked at you and saw that.

 

It's just the nature of (many) women, especially younger ones, to break hearts. It's not a reflection on you whatsoever. Our male minds think: "what did I do wrong? Maybe if I was more fit, more tan, more shiny toothed, more rich, more funny, etc...". But try any of those things, and you'll still wind up with a broken heart. So, it's not what you do or who you are that causes rejections to happen. They just do, and that's life.

 

It's amazing when they don't, such as in this thread. The world needs more of this.