Christmas family disagreements, and a realisation

[Rara]

My mum kicked my arse yesterday.

 

I guess I should be thankful...

 

For the first time in a while, I'm pretty confused and down, but perhaps that is just a result of being hit with a reality check.

 

At dinner yesterday, somehow my mum and I managed to get on to the topic of my cultivation. After talking about how much better I am these days, which was backed up by my girlfriend (and I am so sorry she had to be there for this) my mum actually said I was much worse!

 

I couldn't believe it, as much as I am trying and concentrating on breath and not violently lashing out (which was my big achievement) I was slapped back down by being told that these days I raised my voice much more and was verbally more angry.

 

She wasn't wrong. It all escalated to the point where I was yelling and disagreeing with her. She remained calm with the odd chuckle (where my old self comes back to tell me she is disrespectful and making fun of me. Naturally, I yell even more)

 

So I went away thinking, what can I do? Am I to practice not getting wound up by her? Am I making things up, is she actually not winding me up? Am I too sensitive? Do I have a chip on my shoulder? Am I seeking recognition for all my hard work and mad because I'm not being given the right encouragement? If so, why am I so determined to have my own mother encourage me?

 

But should I be thankful that she has identified my flaws? Although, she's the only one that I behave like this with. Occasionally my sister...I guess it's just those two that know how to push my buttons. Perhaps everyone else is just beating around the bush with me and being laid back.

 

It's made me very sad and confused, I don't know how much better I really am now. Have I been too complacent and cocky?

 

Clearly there is some work to be done, I just don't know what to do right now

Edited December 29, 2014 by Rara

[Marblehead]

Yes, be thankful that your Mum was brutally honest with you.

 

Maybe as a starter you could skip having Christmas dinner with family?

 

Only joking, of course.

 

I will suggest this: Having a formal practice, whatever that might be, will cause us to be less tolerant.

 

Best wishes to you in working with this.

Edited December 29, 2014 by Marblehead

[Seeker of Wisdom]

...After talking about how much better I am these days, which was backed up by my girlfriend...my mum actually said I was much worse!...where my old self comes back to tell me she is disrespectful and making fun of me...she's the only one that I behave like this with. Occasionally my sister...I guess it's just those two that know how to push my buttons...

These seem the key points to me. Perhaps your baseline level of patience has increased, but it is still vulnerable to particular triggers?

 

That still indicates a lot of progress, if on average you're more patient.

 

Probably up until now you've been developing patience in a general sense, learning to ride through small irritations with mindfulness, breathing, etc. If there are still specific things that really push your buttons, you need to get to the root of what those buttons are, and why they can get pushed.

 

If something makes you angry, ask why that makes you angry. Then ask why that makes you angry. And so on. In the end, you'll find whatever idea is really at the root of the thing, and you can work on that.

 

Good luck - and don't forget to be patient with yourself!

[C T]

As long as there is a holding on to, or a misunderstanding of the concept of 'self', no matter how advanced a practitioner, the potential for conflict (from within and without) will always be sitting on one's left shoulder (or right, doesn't really matter, but its there). Thats why the basics of Buddhist teachings is to encourage a learner to first investigate/realise what the self really is. This facilitates a smooth transition into any other practices one wishes to undertake, and also, more importantly, a genuine sense of delight and humour enters the being upon realisation, which can be very freeing (less clinging > more expansive nature). As Shantideva said, "All suffering arise from clinging to self". Maybe its difficult at first to put this into practice, but even if we can reduce the clinging by 50%, we could experience a major shift already.

[Silent Answers]

The more you understand, the happier you generally become, and more outspoken/confident about your beliefs and opinions.

 

Being angry and raising your voice is fine in my eyes. It's the understanding of the emotion and how you deal with it inside that matters most. Anger on the outside but calm and aware of the situation inside. Then it becomes a great tool, when you need to shake things up.

[Brian]

Remind me how old you are, Rara?

[Aetherous]

Family really knows how to push our buttons at times.

 

But remember this, "Anything other than love is a cry for help". Not necessarily that you will be able to help your mom, or that she expects you to...but it's not like she's coming from a place of wisdom and love. So why give credence to her words? She's seeing her son change in ways that she doesn't understand, and is trying to keep him the same in any possible way.

How you feel right now will pass. Later on, someone else will push your buttons. That's just life, and it's always best to let it go, as well as realize why it arose in the first place. The reason being...we expect others to treat us as being special in some way. Despite being cultivators, will we ever rid ourselves entirely of emotions and reactions? Forgive yourself for being human.

If you're cultivating good things, then it's just a matter of continuing on your path and letting this go. As well as learning something from it.

[Rara]

but it's not like she's coming from a place of wisdom and love. So why give credence to her words? She's seeing her son change in ways that she doesn't understand, and is trying to keep him the same in any possible way.

This is what I've been telling myself, for this is what I understand it to be.

 

But she said I was angry. She was clearly calm...so of course, she has something that I don't in that regard.

 

Thanks for your full post, it made me feel better.

[Rara]

Remind me how old you are, Rara?

27...

[Rara]

The more you understand, the happier you generally become, and more outspoken/confident about your beliefs and opinions.

 

Being angry and raising your voice is fine in my eyes. It's the understanding of the emotion and how you deal with it inside that matters most. Anger on the outside but calm and aware of the situation inside. Then it becomes a great tool, when you need to shake things up.

I hope so. That brings comfort

 

My only other choice that I have is to lose my passion. That would kill the anger, but also make me emotionless. That is the only alternative I have found so far, and it's not ideal.

[Rara]

As long as there is a holding on to, or a misunderstanding of the concept of 'self', no matter how advanced a practitioner, the potential for conflict (from within and without) will always be sitting on one's left shoulder (or right, doesn't really matter, but its there). Thats why the basics of Buddhist teachings is to encourage a learner to first investigate/realise what the self really is. This facilitates a smooth transition into any other practices one wishes to undertake, and also, more importantly, a genuine sense of delight and humour enters the being upon realisation, which can be very freeing (less clinging > more expansive nature). As Shantideva said, "All suffering arise from clinging to self". Maybe its difficult at first to put this into practice, but even if we can reduce the clinging by 50%, we could experience a major shift already.

I understand, but the problem is, I lose ambition to do anything constructive or independently when I don't have self...

[rene]

Rara - I noticed you "Liked" only those posts that said it's your mom who doesn't understand. Just an observation.

 

Best of luck,

Rene

 

Edit - that wasn't quite the case. Apologies; I was wrong. (-:

Edited December 29, 2014 by rene

[Aetherous]

She was clearly calm...so of course, she has something that I don't in that regard.

 

It was in my opinion only a facade of calm. A real calm person doesn't have the need to poke at other people, or bring them down in any way.

[thelerner]

No matter how old we are, we still can't escape the role of little child to authority figure that our parents hold. There criticisms and compliments rock us. We're conditional, Pavlovian. What happened to you also played out in thousands or millions of other homes at holiday dinners across the world. We got criticized/honest advice from our parents and it stung.

 

Inevitably we'll do it to our kids. Its not meant to be mean spirited and its a continuation of the child improvement program they signed up for when you were born. So grin and bare it. See if there's anything in the criticism you can use. Try to understand they didn't mean to offend and your just hurting yourself by taking offense at it.

 

Grin and bare it, as well as you can. Afterwards don't pick at it or discuss it. Leave it alone, nothing to see here, go on with your business. It'll probably happen again next year. Anticipate and practice nodding sagely into a mirror.

Edited December 29, 2014 by thelerner

[Marblehead]

Rara - I noticed you "Liked" only those posts that said it's your mom who doesn't understand. Just an observation.

 

Best of luck,

Rene

 

Edit - that wasn't quite the case. Apologies; I was wrong. (-:

Yeah, he always "Like"s my posts even when I get on his case. Hehehe.

[ChiDragon]

Clearly there is some work to be done, I just don't know what to do right now

 

You knew what to do and tried. You had tried to cultivate but not hard enough.

 

But she said I was angry. She was clearly calm...so of course, she has something that I don't in that regard.

Why can you pick up after your mother and keep calm like her. She has lots of patience with you and treated you as her son.

 

 

I understand, but the problem is, I lose ambition to do anything constructive or independently when I don't have self...

Then, go find yourself.

 

 

My only other choice that I have is to lose my passion. That would kill the anger, but also make me emotionless. That is the only alternative I have found so far, and it's not ideal.

Emotionless. Great, that is a state of Wu Wei. Do you know how hard for someone to reach to this level of cultivation? Thus it's better than screaming and yelling at your mom.

 

 

 

[Brian]

I concur with thelerner -- and I like ChiDragon's recommendation to go find yourself. I think there is value in understanding one's self before letting it go, much like one shouldn't tear down a fence without understanding why it was erected.

 

Rara, you are no longer a teenager (or even an early twenty-something, which seems the functional equivalent these days). Your mother is no longer the boss of you but it sounds like you aren't, either. Time to slide into the driver's seat, very gently take the controls, and begin to chart your own course.

[johndoe2012]

.

Edited January 9, 2015 by chris d

[thewhitetiger]

Clearly there is some work to be done, I just don't know what to do right now

 

You are aware that you have so work to do. That is GREAT! We all have self work, every one of us. We are not here to compete with each other on our awareness or state of enlightenment.

Start with understanding that we must encounter elements that will trigger areas for us to grow. Become gentle with that understanding. Self-Patient.

Meditate on what the root of these triggers. What is it specifically that brings up these hard emotions. (I am speaking of your family dinner of course and your interactions with your Mom.)

Let go of the self-punishment of the guilt you are feeling from the outcome. This can be seen as simple emotional growing pains. On of the Ripoche's from the 70's once said "If you think you are enlightened spend the weekend with your parents."

I laughed when I heard that...because it is true. Our greatest triggers come from our authority figures, or those who pretend they are in authority over you. Our Parents are our greatest nest of Triggers (IMO)

It is an excellent resource of self-work you can do.

Do NOT bury your emotions, but see where they come from, understand the trigger. You may need to find ways to express them in a healthy Manner (The 6 Healing sounds Chi Kung for example combined with Flying Phoenix or Hunyuan healing Motions)

One thing I am personally not comfortable with is communication through Forums though...so much is lost in this form of discussion, so understand that my suggestions must be modified by you with the understanding that I am not experiencing your challenge as you are. I only offer my suggestions as a form of support.

I want you to have the knowledge you are not alone in these experiences and there is no judgement.

[C T]

I understand, but the problem is, I lose ambition to do anything constructive or independently when I don't have self...

This is a misunderstanding, Rara. True independence not only comes, but stays for good, when one fully understands the significance of unbinding from the tension of clinging to a self.

 

Being constructive, in the altruistic sense, means the ability to do something of benefit to others while doing something beneficial for the self, or, from another view, to be able to do something beneficial for self which also benefits others. To do this effectively, we have to 'forget' the self, not in the conventional sense of reducing the self to nothing, but in the transcended sense of seeing, and then extending a sort of equalness in the realisation that fundamentally nobody wants to be unhappy, to be hurt, to be cheated on, etc., just as we too desire much the same. This is the Buddhist view of non-self, from one perspective - the ultimate benefit to be derived from this realisation is to uncover one's fundamental good heart. Once you can touch base with this discovery, then you will be able to gradually learn how to act fearlessly in your relationship with others without having to constantly be on your guard, ala building a fence around something non-existent, meaning that brittle, hurtable ego thing. But a lot of people tend to do this, and the amount of energy and attention they put into this exercise prevents them from engaging fully and functionally in the true sense of relating (relationship) with self and others.

[rene]

 

 

My only other choice that I have is to lose my passion. That would kill the anger, but also make me emotionless. That is the only alternative I have found so far, and it's not ideal.

Emotionless. Great, that is a state of Wu Wei. Do you know how hard for someone to reach to this level of cultivation? Thus it's better than screaming and yelling at your mom.

 

 

Wow. There aren't enough words to convey how wrong I think this is.

 

Of course screaming and yelling isn't generally useful.

 

But to encourage what rara believes would be an otherwise flatline existance - isnt really useful either.

 

It is possible to have passion and emotions and to live and enjoy life fully while also experiencing and reflecting the calm peace found in perceiving the unity.

Edited December 29, 2014 by rene

[子泰]

Not being attached to the self will not make you emotionless. See it like this: you're covering one eye with your hand, that hand represents the sense of self. To not be attached to a sense of self is just simply moving the hand so that you can see with both eyes. That's the most important. You'll still have your hand and it can come to use to cover your eye again, but a lot of pressure will be removed and you will not place so much stress on things that you previously deemed important because you know the bigger picture now.

[Rara]

 

It was in my opinion only a facade of calm. A real calm person doesn't have the need to poke at other people, or bring them down in any way.

Yeah, I do see it as quite twisted myself.

 

My sister used to also say she was good with emotional blackmail.

 

I'm just evaluating whether such observations are correct. Either way, it was my pulse that was high, not hers. And she did say, "it's not normal for a son to spend so much time away and then when he comes back, to start shouting so much three days in". This, I agree with. But am I being subtly provoked, or is she merely just bringing out a part of me that I really need to address asap for the good of our relationship?

[ChiDragon]

Emotionless from a philosophical point of view, it doesn't mean you don't love nor get angry. What it is suggesting is to hold one's poise when angry; one may show compassion at any time or not at all.

[Rara]

No matter how old we are, we still can't escape the role of little child to authority figure that our parents hold. There criticisms and compliments rock us. We're conditional, Pavlovian. What happened to you also played out in thousands or millions of other homes at holiday dinners across the world. We got criticized/honest advice from our parents and it stung.

 

Inevitably we'll do it to our kids. Its not meant to be mean spirited and its a continuation of the child improvement program they signed up for when you were born. So grin and bare it. See if there's anything in the criticism you can use. Try to understand they didn't mean to offend and your just hurting yourself by taking offense at it.

 

Grin and bare it, as well as you can. Afterwards don't pick at it or discuss it. Leave it alone, nothing to see here, go on with your business. It'll probably happen again next year. Anticipate and practice nodding sagely into a mirror.

Hehe, the image of the stereotypical Taoist smiling and nodding politely.

 

Might come across as fake but hey, this advice is better than anything I have thought of yet!