Christmas family disagreements, and a realisation

[Nungali]

I would seek other confirmation or assessment

 

Christmas get together X mother .... hmmmmm .

 

I am doing that at the moment .... DO NOT talk about personal issues, whatever you do dont talk about anything magical or religious or political. Bring her a bunch of flowers, say thanks for being my mum ..... and get the hell out of there before I slip up !

 

You would not believe what can happen in a family at Christmas - serious ! (my family is pretty good - just annoying), but I spent 10 years working in a hospital and usually, every Christmas in emergency ward .

 

I might be biased, but ..... seek other assessment .

[Rara]

Why would she take your advice to try mindfulness, if mindfulness hasn't helped you resolve your own conflicts with her? And why would you even suggest an approach that hasn't successfully worked for you yet?

 

Or, are you suggesting advice to "others" that you haven't taken yourself, yet?

I see what you're saying. It's helped quite a bit though!

 

And anyway, why ask for advice if you don't wanna take it anyway? Lol.

 

And from me of all people, the youngest in the family?

[Brian]

<snip>

The most important thing: respect where each member of your family is at. No, they may not see as clearly as you. But know that you also did not see as clearly as you do now. And still you stumble.

<snip>

 

This bears repeating...

[Rara]

Rara: family time...is cultivation time.

 

With multiple competing interests from multiple generations, just do your best to not lose your center.

 

During the festivities, are you able to go for a "walk around the block" or a "drive"? Or do some gentle belly breathing? Sometimes we simply need to discharge the building tension in our bodies.

 

What about prepping yourself next time. Take the time to replay 2014's hot topics when getting ready to attend 2015's Cristmas. And make a commitment that you will be more aware and respond more compassionately than last year. Writing down your intentions might help.

 

The most important thing: respect where each member of your family is at. No, they may not see as clearly as you. But know that you also did not see as clearly as you do now. And still you stumble.

 

Best to you.

Thank you

 

But no, there was no time for gentle belly breathing etc It was wake up, shower with gf (my friend didn't have enough hot water in his tank) then drive, visit, drive, visit, drive, arrive back and be with friends at flat until bed. Then wake up, repeat ...

 

Very claustrophobic. Working with the limited time frame. Maybe we should get a hotel next time!

[iain]

Oh I see. Very busy schedule!

 

My suggestion about the gentle belly breathing was that it is one of the few things you can do while in the midst of all the hubbub. You don't need to retreat to another space to do that. You can do it amongst the activities. And no one needs to know!

I think your suggestion is very wise rainbowvein,

 

If you are not belly breathing you are breathing into the top of the lungs and quite possibly being aggressive.

 

Now if you do not have time to breath; you have a very real problem, way over and above any other.

Edited January 4, 2015 by iain

[Rara]

I think your suggestion is very wise rainbowvein,

 

If you are not belly breathing you are breathing into the top of the lungs and quite possibly being aggressive.

 

Now if you do not have time to breath; you have a very real problem, way over and above any other.

Haha, indeed...

 

Though, I was belly breathing at the time when this disagreement escalated. My monkey mind just seemed to override it...hence why I was so confused.

[DreamBliss]

My two cents...

When I took the first steps on my spiritual path I was into "Positive Thinking." Every time I had a negative though I would suppress it or try to transmute it in some way. It was all about being positive.

But the reality is that I am exchanging one extreme of mind for another. I am not being aware and present, with whatever is presenting in this moment. I am denying the present moment experience that has brought this negative thought, usually a pattern of thoughts or a belief adopted from those around me.

I was the most angry and depressed when I was a Christian, and a "Positive Thinking" Christian is just as bad as a "Negative Thinking" one. As long we deny what is, as long as we are not authentic and honest with ourselves with what we are feeling, as long as we are not with our feelings, moment by moment, we are just squeezing a balloon.

You squeeze it on that end, the air goes to the other. Squeeze that end and the air goes back where it was. To get the air out of the balloon we need to do better than squeeze (using force.) We need to either open it, to let the air out (allowance), or stick a pin in it (awareness) which allows the air to come out.

The fact that you blew up just means that you were using force somewhere inside you instead of acceptance. One of the worst blow ups I had was with my brother when I had been working on my anger and changing my thinking for some time.

Change has occurred, certainly. But the more you set out to change yourself, the more things will present themselves to you that you need to address inside you. It is a blessing. This interaction with your mother was an opportunity to continue the path you had chosen for yourself and face this aspect of yourself.

You will know when your inner work is done, because the outside, what you define as reality, will be calm, at peace. There will be lightness inside with every act, thought and word. There will be joy. You will no longer call these sorts of situations to yourself, you will not need to, because you will have addressed all the inner aspects of yourself.

That state, when you get there, is probably what others call enlightenment. Growth spurts as you get there are like their physical equivalent. They hurt, but they also tell you that you are growing. Thank whatever you call god for this, experience what you need to experience, learn what you need to learn and realize what you need to realize.

See the others in your life as mirrors showing you exactly what you need to deal with inside yourself. Look at these interactions with others, whatever happens in them, as opportunities to practice. From accepting what is and being fully present and aware to loving and accepting others (and yourself) as you are to realizing that you can't change people and shouldn't try to to realizing that you can't help or save people and shouldn't try to.

Your only task is to work on yourself and how you see the world. Follow your inner guidance, pay attention to your emotional compass in all you do, say or think. Follow what makes you feel good, what makes you feel light. Leave everything else up to the universe.

Edited January 11, 2015 by DreamBliss

[Rara]

My two cents...

 

When I took the first steps on my spiritual path I was into "Positive Thinking." Every time I had a negative though I would suppress it or try to transmute it in some way. It was all about being positive.

 

But the reality is that I am exchanging one extreme of mind for another. I am not being aware and present, with whatever is presenting in this moment. I am denying the present moment experience that has brought this negative thought, usually a pattern of thoughts or a belief adopted from those around me.

 

I was the most angry and depressed when I was a Christian, and a "Positive Thinking" Christian is just as bad as a "Negative Thinking" one. As long we deny what is, as long as we are not authentic and honest with ourselves with what we are feeling, as long as we are not with our feelings, moment by moment, we are just squeezing a balloon.

 

You squeeze it on that end, the air goes to the other. Squeeze that end and the air goes back where it was. To get the air out of the balloon we need to do better than squeeze (using force.) We need to either open it, to let the air out (allowance), or stick a pin in it (awareness) which allows the air to come out.

 

The fact that you blew up just means that you were using force somewhere inside you instead of acceptance. One of the worst blow ups I had was with my brother when I had been working on my anger and changing my thinking for some time.

 

Change has occurred, certainly. But the more you set out to change yourself, the more things will present themselves to you that you need to address inside you. It is a blessing. This interaction with your mother was an opportunity to continue the path you had chosen for yourself and face this aspect of yourself.

 

You will know when your inner work is done, because the outside, what you define as reality, will be calm, at peace. There will be lightness inside with every act, thought and word. There will be joy. You will no longer call these sorts of situations to yourself, you will not need to, because you will have addressed all the inner aspects of yourself.

 

That state, when you get there, is probably what others call enlightenment. Growth spurts as you get there are like their physical equivalent. They hurt, but they also tell you that you are growing. Thank whatever you call god for this, experience what you need to experience, learn what you need to learn and realize what you need to realize.

 

See the others in your life as mirrors showing you exactly what you need to deal with inside yourself. Look at these interactions with others, whatever happens in them, as opportunities to practice. From accepting what is and being fully present and aware to loving and accepting others (and yourself) as you are to realizing that you can't change people and shouldn't try to to realizing that you can't help or save people and shouldn't try to.

 

Your only task is to work on yourself and how you see the world. Follow your inner guidance, pay attention to your emotional compass in all you do, say or think. Follow what makes you feel good, what makes you feel light. Leave everything else up to the universe.

Such reminders are so useful to me. Thank you

 

I got complacent and cocky but obviously wasn't delivering!

[DreamBliss]

I remember one time when I got cocky and started to show off...

I was using a pogo stick at the gym, getting higher and higher, far higher than everyone else.

Then I came down wrong, smacking into the ground, breaking a front tooth in half. That discolored, larger-that-it-should be repaired tooth is a constant reminder.

Of course in a Christian household the verse, "Pride goes before a fall" is used in such a situation. I am not sure the real meaning of this verse, but there is nothing wrong with pride in the things you have done that make you feel good inside. The emotion wouldn't exist if we were not supposed to feel it.

I think it changes as a person grows, becomes something other than, "Look at me!" I have something that feels vaguely like pride for how I handled these last few days, which have been very tough. But there is no showing off here, no expectation of a plaque or a medal.

That's probably where you got caught. In a criticism or judgment or another, or an expectation of praise for your good work, or something like that. I did not read the whole thread. But you know what you were feeling and thinking when this incident happened. It should not be too hard to trace back the cause.

Whatever the cause, whatever needs addressing inside, this is a blessing. It is a chance, as I said, to learn and grow. Babies don't learn how to walk by just getting up and walking around. They crawl, they get up, walk a few steps, fall flat on their face or their arse, crawl some more, get up again, rinse and repeat. The whole thing is the process of learning how to walk.

 

You are in the process of learning whatever lesson it is that you set out to learn on your path at this time in your life that led to this incident. Give a big thanks and a hug to whatever or whoever you call god, get up, and continue the process.

Edited January 12, 2015 by DreamBliss

[Rara]

Whatever the cause, whatever needs addressing inside, this is a blessing. It is a chance, as I said, to learn and grow. Babies don't learn how to walk by just getting up and walking around. They crawl, they get up, walk a few steps, fall flat on their face or their arse, crawl some more, get up again, rinse and repeat. The whole thing is the process of learning how to walk.

This is actually one of the things I was talking to her about! Clearly demonstrated haha. So there must have been some validity to was I was saying XD

[RiverSnake]

It may sound a bit brutal....but some cord cutting may be in order. Use your best judgement in these matters.

[Rara]

It may sound a bit brutal....but some cord cutting may be in order. Use your best judgement in these matters.

 

It's funny you should say this. I had a realisation a couple of weeks ago that I tend to be used a lot by my sister, bullied to an extent by my mum - plus those two are at war and I'm always in the middle. And I allow it because "letting the thoughts pass" is the best therapy.

 

Fuck that. Maybe for some, but I follow Taoism and to me, this means I am me and there is no changing that fact.

 

It's a middle-class broken home. That's actually quite sinister, because it all happens in secret! I've been suppressing a lot of feelings and my anger has been exploding again. This time I let it, because I realised that playing the "holy one" was a facade and was doing me no favours inside.

 

All I wanted to do was make peace...with myself and my family. But the latter would be forcing - and I still never learn!

 

I am at most at peace with myself when I'm honest with myself. I know what I am, and the animal is back. However, the animal is at peace if it isn't disrupted.

 

So, I live 200 miles away...and I won't change that for the world.