Need advice for dealing with a mentally ill loved one.

[DreamBliss]

I have come to realize that my brother is mentally ill, unbalanced or unstable. I will not go into the details. He does not read books. He has no spiritual interests. He lives next to a church, the pastor there occasionally talks to him. My parents, and he himself, have little money. They have no connections or resources.

I made it clear to them that it was made clear to me that I can't help my brother. I have to keep my hands off this. This is between him, them and the universe. I laid everything out to them with as little bias, criticism or judgment as possible.

I did not feel checked against hunting down information for them. So that is what this thread is about. If you had a loved one who was a danger to themselves, who does not read books, who would not take medicine if prescribed, but it is crystal clear that they needed help, and you had no money, what would you do?

Here in America, is there any outreach program or anything that could hook my brother up with what he needs to deal with his anger and depression before he hurts himself or someone else? Something trustworthy and available to people who could not pay for it?

If you have any advice or suggestions please post them. If you feel compelled to pray for my brother or send energy to heal him or anything like that please do so. I will collect any information gathered here and relay it to my parents.

Thank you.

[Brian]

Absolutely. Start with the local mental health department/agency (the details and logistics vary from state to state). If he becomes a danger to himself or others, involuntary commitment becomes an option. There is also an organization called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) which would probably be helpful to you.

[closrapexa]

I don't understand... the kind of help he may need depends greatly on what he has. Even without going into specifics some kind of information would help. Not reading books isn't, by itself, a sign of being mentally ill.

[DreamBliss]

I will attempt to explain, even though I am, by no means, any sort of expert in this area.

 

My brother is showing signs of increasing obsessive compulsive behavior. Ever watch the TV series Monk? Where everything has to be just so. I watched him washing dishes, and if he looked around and saw a single cupboard door open, it had to be shut, so he would stop washing dishes to do so. He was constantly vacuuming the floor. There is a cat dish on the floor next to the fridge, when I moved it so that it was closer to the fridge and not sticking out as much, I came back and saw it was sticking out again, and he explained that he had to have it that way to keep the cat's water clean. These are just a few examples.

 

He is also showing what I believe to be a violent persecution complex. The morning of the day I left, and why I left, he blew up. He threw a glass into the kitchen shattering it, threw all the stuff next to his TV to one side of the room, threw the furniture around, almost threw the TV. Understand I said nothing, not like I was ignoring him, I was just silently watching all of this. I also did not argue or fight with him. It all happened, as far as I can tell, because I changed my mind and decided that I would not use the mattress he set aside for me afterall. I was very polite about it. While he threw stuff around the room he was talking about things I had said to mom from weeks before when he visited, that I was complaining about him to her, he he tried so hard, bent over backwards, on and on this tirade the general gist of which was that he was being persecuted. He said he said things that he did not say, as far as I can remember, and claimed things were said by others that were not said, again t o the best of my recollection. BTW, when he threw the glass I was sitting right there, in its general direction of travel, but just off to one side. He cut himself on a piece of that glass later.

 

He was always a little obsessive compulsive. Either it was very little or I was just not as aware of what was going on around me as I was when I stayed there. To my perception he has gotten progressively worse over the years. It seems far more extreme than I ever remember it being. I never called it obsessive compulsive behavior before. I just always thought he was finicky, a little picky. That's all it seemed to me. But it was far more this time. My cousin thinks he may be bi-polar, and as I worked with someone who was that way, there are similarities.

 

My brother is depressed and angry, exactly as I used to be. He is violent in his anger, which stems from his depression, exactly as I used to be. I considered suicide multiple times, and once I stood on the road outside our house with a machete, ready to use it. At that time, looking back, I can clearly see that I needed professional help. My brother, in my perception, is in a far worse state than I was. But instead of considering killing himself or hurting others overtly, as I did, its as if his mind is breaking down, as if he is attacking himself inside, destroying himself from within. Which is I think why I said he was a danger to himself.

 

I hope I have explained things well enough. Thank you for the links. I really hope we don't have to commit him, and that we instead can just somehow get him the help and support he needs.

Edited January 13, 2015 by DreamBliss

[closrapexa]

Oh, well, that's another story. I hope can find the help he needs.

[Aetherous]

At least personally it just sounds like you and perhaps others such as your mom, need to get off his case. He doesn't sound "mentally ill" to me. Angry, yes.

Also, mental illness if that's what he does have (which I doubt after reading all of this), is worsened by feelings of stress and isolation, and improved by comfort and a relaxing and fun social life. Trying to point out that he has a mental problem will isolate him from you and stress him out. What your role here is, is to be a good brother and friend. Stop putting yourself above him, and putting him into this neat little conceptual box you've made.

Of course, I could be misjudging things, since how this seems to me is only based off of what you wrote. But overall I do think it will help your situation if YOU chill out and let him be who he is.

[Jetsun]

People can have OCD and it not be a life destroying problem, David Beckham has it and he has done ok. Of course if it is more serious then professional help can be of aid, the easiest and probably cheapest with a good track record is probably CBT, which can be learned from websites or books if you can't afford to see someone in person.

[DreamBliss]

At least personally it just sounds like you and perhaps others such as your mom, need to get off his case. He doesn't sound "mentally ill" to me. Angry, yes.

 

Also, mental illness if that's what he does have (which I doubt after reading all of this), is worsened by feelings of stress and isolation, and improved by comfort and a relaxing and fun social life. Trying to point out that he has a mental problem will isolate him from you and stress him out. What your role here is, is to be a good brother and friend. Stop putting yourself above him, and putting him into this neat little conceptual box you've made.

 

Of course, I could be misjudging things, since how this seems to me is only based off of what you wrote. But overall I do think it will help your situation if YOU chill out and let him be who he is.

 

#1. There is nobody on his case. Nobody has accused him of mental illness. Nobody has said anything at all to him about his behavior. In fact, when my stuff (which was stored at his place) was stolen, I didn't even yell at him. I hold no grudges. I am not angry with him. I am not criticizing or judging him. I was open and aware the whole time I stayed with him, and these are the things I witnessed. If anything my parents are too easy on him. More on this in a sec.

 

#2. He is alone and isolated. Perhaps I was not clear. He lives by himself over 40 miles away. He is in one half of a duplex, our father pays his rent, utilities and electricity, and he has no real employment. He gets some work from people living on his street. He has no real social life either, just those individuals he interacts with on that street. He plays video games for fun, but he no longer has a video game system and has not explained where it went to.

 

Let me be perfectly clear! I am not criticizing or judging him. I am stating facts, to the best of my knowledge. I do not believe that going partying every night and having a steady job is the answer. That sounds like the way of thinking we become brainwashed with in society. That you have to get a job, work hard, and maybe, after 40 years (if you can even keep your job that long) you can retire and have fun. Until then having fun entails going to bars or clubs, getting drunk, possibly having sex with random strangers, going home, passing out, waking up and going to work. I perceive this model to be seriously broken and flawed and I do not willingly support it in any way.

 

Lastly I have not, as far as I am aware, put myself above anyone, or tried to stuff anyone into some conceptual box. I went to my brother's to stay, working very hard to have no expectations, to simply accept things as they are. As I said I was aware, open, receptive, non-resistant while I was there. No responding in anger, no criticizing, no judging. I observed, and I have laid out here what I observed. If anything I was not clearly seeing my brother before, because I would have noticed this stuff if I had. So before I went over and stayed, I had been seeing my brother through the lens of my perception. I do not think this was the case during my visit. I do not know how I entered that state and stayed there through everything. I was surprised, looking back, and still remain surprised. Before I probably would have gotten into some conflict with my brother. Something he did or said would set me off. But I was detached this time around.

 

#3. That is exactly what I did, and am still doing. But you do not ignore a clearly perceived issue. If someone blows up without provocation, showing the same display of rage you are very well experienced in, and you know where that same depression and rage (the two are intertwined) took you, you damn well better do something about it before it is too late! I would not have witnessed this, seen these things, if they were not brought to my attention for a reason. I have faith that I was made aware of this, somehow entered into a state where I could observe detached. I would not have noticed the behavior before, and probably would have gotten caught up in my brother's explosion, rendering me unable to clearly see everything. But for the first time I saw clearly, with no criticism or judgment, and it was definitely a warning.

 

In my opinion inaction is not the best course of action. But as I said, I have taken my hands off of this, and will keep them off this. I am collecting information for my parents. My brother is their responsibility, not mine. It is left up to them and the universe. I feel my part was to merely observe, aware and detached, then relay what I observed to my parents. I have done this. It feels OK for me to gather information for them, but I have let go of any desire to fix or help things. It has nothing to do with chilling out. That would imply I am stressing or worrying about my brother. I am not, I have let go. I came to the realization this is my parent's and my brother's path. They have to walk it themselves.

 

I have no desire or interest to control anyone. I have no desire or interest to have anything at all to do with someone being committed or prescribed drugs. My practice is to love and accept myself as I am, and others as they are. But if I feel someone is in danger of hurting themselves or another, I must say something, without bias, criticizing or judgment. And this is what I will do, and have done here.

Edited January 14, 2015 by DreamBliss

[kio]

Have you said something about all this to your brother?

Edited January 14, 2015 by kio

[Aetherous]

Sorry but I'm not any more convinced of your perception of what's happening. I'm not seeing the situation in real life, and am just some random dude on the internet, so I can't be entirely sure...but you seem totally deluded about the whole thing. Regardless of what I think, best of luck to you guys in being at peace and living good lives.

[liminal_luke]

Hi Dreambliss,

 

It sounds like your brother is having some real difficulties. As far as I can gather from what you wrote, nothing that would likely warrant involuntary hospitalization though. That doesn´t mean what he´s going through isn´t serious. As a brother, you´re naturally concerned for him.

 

You say he´s isolated and doesn´t have friends. I´m wondering how your relationship is with him. How regularly do you talk, see each other? If you are both up for it, this would be a place you could start easing his isolation. A friend to take occasional walks with in nature could go a long way.

 

Unfortunately, our ability to get other people to take care of themselves is limited. If he won´t seek counseling or psychiatric care you likely can´t make him. Part of this, for you, might involve coming to terms with the limits of your influence.

 

But just having a brother who he knows accepts him as he his, maintains contact with him, and cares about his wellbeing--these things mean a lot.

 

Liminal

Edited January 14, 2015 by liminal_luke

[futuredaze]

Responding to his behavior with resistance will not solve anything. By focusing on transmutating your own pain, focusing on your own journey, you will naturally end up helping him just by being yourself. The ideas you have about your brother and his situation are preventing you from seeing it objectively.

 

Not that it doesn't sound like a difficult situation, but there isn't much you can do about it through force. In time, he might open up to you, or some crisis in his life may force him to re-evaluate his situation. Either way, you can gain a lot of wisdom and compassion from this situation. Just do the best you can. You are not responsible for him. That doesn't mean you can't help him, of course, but don't get too attached to any one idea of helping him.

Edited January 14, 2015 by futuredaze

[z00se]

Does he like drinking or getting high?

[DreamBliss]

Does he like drinking or getting high?

 

Out of a probably misguided sense of honor I will not answer this question. But my unwillingness to answer it should be answer enough...

 

Well I can provide a hint I suppose. I got him a really nice pipe for his birthday. Hopefully that tells you enough.

Edited January 15, 2015 by DreamBliss

[DreamBliss]

Sorry but I'm not any more convinced of your perception of what's happening. I'm not seeing the situation in real life, and am just some random dude on the internet, so I can't be entirely sure...but you seem totally deluded about the whole thing. Regardless of what I think, best of luck to you guys in being at peace and living good lives.

I have chosen to respond to this via PM. I leave it up to you to share that PM if you so desire. I felt that I should not post those words as a reply in this thread.

 

I do feel there is one thing I should say publicly. I can go with a course of action, feeling and thought that is heavy or light. I find myself smiling. Almost laughing. Not at anything. More like choosing a course of action, feeling and thought that is light means the situation is not as serious in my perception. In short, I don't have to take it seriously. It is all a dance, all a game. All of it, just the interactions between the masks we wear.

 

I am embracing you, in a non-physical way, right now, in this moment. I really am grateful for your interactions with me. Just lightness bubbling over, so many words to say, none of them quite right, rambling now, so I will stop. But I am still smiling. I can't help myself. You have helped me to this place, this state where I can smile and just embrace you. I truly do appreciate it!

 

Source please be with us and our interactions with each other.

Edited January 15, 2015 by DreamBliss

[DreamBliss]

Responding to his behavior with resistance will not solve anything. By focusing on transmutating your own pain, focusing on your own journey, you will naturally end up helping him just by being yourself. The ideas you have about your brother and his situation are preventing you from seeing it objectively.

 

Not that it doesn't sound like a difficult situation, but there isn't much you can do about it through force. In time, he might open up to you, or some crisis in his life may force him to re-evaluate his situation. Either way, you can gain a lot of wisdom and compassion from this situation. Just do the best you can. You are not responsible for him. That doesn't mean you can't help him, of course, but don't get too attached to any one idea of helping him.

 

These words resonate with me right now. Thank you for sharing them!

[C T]

Responding to his behavior with resistance will not solve anything. By focusing on transmutating your own pain, focusing on your own journey, you will naturally end up helping him just by being yourself. The ideas you have about your brother and his situation are preventing you from seeing it objectively.

 

Not that it doesn't sound like a difficult situation, but there isn't much you can do about it through force. In time, he might open up to you, or some crisis in his life may force him to re-evaluate his situation. Either way, you can gain a lot of wisdom and compassion from this situation. Just do the best you can. You are not responsible for him. That doesn't mean you can't help him, of course, but don't get too attached to any one idea of helping him.

Nicely said. +++

[z00se]

Taking him out to do something fun, different from normal would be good. I would have thought a weed habit where you sold your playstation for some weed would be a major contributed to the problem. Rather than reinforcing it by buying him a pipe for his birthday why don't you take him out gokart racing or for a game of paintball? Something fun. Doing things he enjoys would be the best course of action i think.