Trouble embracing bad emotions/feelings

[willem20]

First of all, I'm rather new here, so I don't understand most glossary/vocabulaire that is used here. Also, I have no idea if this is the right subforum for this, if not, hopefully a moderator can move this thread to the correct subforum.

 

The things is (like I also explained in my introduction topic) I have a hard time coping with bad feelings. In the broad sense, it contains experiences such simple as a hangover, a break up or general boredom, to physical pain. I always try to replace the feeling with something else, mostly a material or self-destructing action. I want this to stop.

 

The reason why this problem is so important to me, is that I have had a problem with pornography for a long time now. 2 years ago, when I realised that I had a problem with pornography, I decided to try and stop watching porn. It's sounds easier than it is. Despite the horniness (which is a hard factor to control too) I always end up failing whenever I feel bad. For example last week, when I was kind of dating a girl, and it ended quite abruptly, I felt bad and turned to pornography. The same thing for hangovers, I usually turn to pornography, or if it is not pornography it is video games and eventually pornography.

 

See the vicious circle here?

 

I want to overcome this pattern, but I do not know how, and I hope maybe one of you could guide me with some wisdom (or even better: an experience) on how to handle those bad feelings

 

I thank you in advance.

[Seeker of Wisdom]

Everyone has this to some extent, I would advise 2 main things that have helped me:

 

1) Mindfulness of breathing, as a way to give you a little more clarity/composure with which to deal with negative feelings. There is a lot of info out there on this 'shamatha' practice. If you're interested but confused, feel free to PM me with any questions or for explanation of how I do it.

 

2) Then, when you have negative feelings it will be easier to try to observe them objectively without getting sucked in a spiral of negative thoughts (mindfulness), and deal with them constructively.

 

The most important thing is that you recognise this pattern, which makes it possible to change. Many people are unaware of what they're doing to make life harder for themselves.

 

I hope this helps.

[Marblehead]

Seeker spoke well to this.  I will remain silent.

[soaring crane]

I have a dumb question. What exactly do you mean when you write "hangover"?  Are you sure that's the word you're looking for?

[Ish]

-

Edited July 26, 2016 by Ish

[Songtsan]

According to Buddhist (and other) philosophies, attachment is a number #1 cause of suffering. Attachment is both positive (meaning one has a strong desire FOR something occuring), and negative (one has a strong desire AGAINST something occuring). The cycles of desire-based (desire for/against) actions (I.e. karma "action/reaction") create dis-ease and imbalance.

 

In Vedanta and Yoga philosophy, they call this bhoga vs. Yoga...two ends of a spectrum. Bhoga means pleasure and Yoga means union. Seeking pleasure is exactly what attachment (both forms) is about. Whether you seek a desired result (positive attachment), or desire not to have a result which you deem negative, you are essentially seeking pleasure.

 

So desires born of attachment are Bhoga.

 

Yoga means 'union,' 'to yoke,' and infers meeting reality where it is actually at.

 

I'm not saying to avoid pleasure, just don't seek it outright. If you hold to a system of values based on moral/ethical standards and also based on health and well being, you can simply choose a path that is honorable, which feels 'clean' to you.

 

Obviously your enjoyment of pornography is causing you a cognitive dissonance and is a kind of pressure release valve for you.

 

You can still have your cake and eat it too. You run the risk however, of emotionally attaching to partners for some sense of completion, sensual/sexual or otherwise, which is not the healthiest.

 

I am assuming when you say you turn to pornography, that you also have some sexual release (I.e. masturbation to orgasm) with it. This is a standard "guilty response" which has engendered the rise of the 'No Fap' community, and is inherently linked with cyclic pleasure/control issues as you seem to imply with your own story.

 

The trick seems to be the middle path - I.e. neither complete denial/ascetism nor complete and utter hedonist abandonment. In your case it may simply be healthy sex without undue focus on fantasy.

 

If you aren't partnered then give sexual sublimation a try, or if you do masturbate to completion, do it without fantasy, as in based directly only on your own physical enjoyment of the sensations.

 

A dis-ease that many face is the requirement for fantasy sex. This often leads to a build up of the need for fetish-based sexual experiences and lack of the ability to enjoy simplicity in the sexual arena.

 

Note frustration in yourself, usually linked to anger/discontent, and note when you use a pressure release valve to mitigate such disatisfactions. Dis-satisfaction is another good term for attachment and suffering.

 

Desire based choosing can often be the road to Samsaric hells. Value based choosing, as long as its well thought out and tempered with wisdom, will lend itself towards satisfaction...

[Bearded Dragon]

Part of embracing is discovery. Don't cut off the porn unless it's effortless in doing so. Just keep going in order to figure out the root of it all. Think about what you like and don't like about it, what are the triggers, how accomplished you feel, etc. You might subconsciously become uninterested through this discovery process. I have become less interested over the years because of how empty it is.

 

Part of embracing bad feelings is having the trust that it will dwindle on its own accord. You can just say to yourself "Oh, I don't really like this feeling" then don't worry about it. After that your subconscious takes care of it over time. Not that your subconscious needs to be told though. If you can do this a bit and then see how the process works then it's easier for your conscious mind to hand over control and then chill out while things unravel on their own.

[Songtsan]

Yeah, I use that method too....I find they both have merit.

 

I am 38 and still have what I deem an unhealthy attraction to fetish based sexual fantasies. I have gone through periods of intense purposeful fixation on them in order to explore their root cause and arisal of the desire (it seems to be co-originated acausal or multi-causal), and simply exists because of a reifying complex - that is, the identification with an impulsive and habitually reinforced ego self, which when no longer identified with can be seen as a stream of continuously arising phenomena, no different than clouds passing by, or leaves in the wind.

 

However, I am finding it more and more convenient to just schedule my day in terms of what will be healthiest and best (with some room for spontaneity) and focus on non-identification with objects and working on my 24/7 system of meditation, perfect posture, breathing, etc. aiming for emptiness.

 

There is tons of spontaneity in being choosy.

 

My system involves purposeful periods of cathartic release sessions and longer periods of value-driven choosing, i.e. structured days. 

 

Besides, its good to sublimate...I usually do Karezza/Taoist method,  w/ three week intervals, but sometimes I will orgasm more frequently in a short period of time to study its effects.

 

Also, maybe the OP doesn't have an imbalanced sexual appetite, perhaps its quality porn...

 

Still if OP wasn't already doing it, it might be fun to sublimate while watching porn for a few weeks, and see what changes in appetite develop.

 

Its good to note that any behavior can be fed into/encouraged/reified, so if one sees an imbalanced experience/perception that one does not like, i.e. cognitive dissonance, hate/love, etc. one take steps backwards until the imbalance is corrected.

 

You could also turn it into a meditation. Make as practice to watch the porn and try to attain absorption on it, free of tension, full of samadhi.

 

"Urge surfing" - ride the desire out, see how it develops, see how long you can go.

 

Capture desire energy and sublimate it...

[PLB]

Let us turn the thing around. What is it about reacting this way that turns you off?

There is something you want and you don't know how to get there. I get that.

There is no guarantee that anything attempted will get a person to a different state. That is why it is called an attempt.

[willem20]

Have you thought about stopping the excessive drinking? 

 

Instead drink to a moderate point, but don't get drunk.

It is an obvious but fine response to the problem ofcourse! But this still wouldn't help me fully with the issue I've addressed. Nonetheless, I will definitely take your advice haha, maybe it is wiser not to get along with the average amount of alcohol my friends drink on a night

[willem20]

Part of embracing is discovery. Don't cut off the porn unless it's effortless in doing so. Just keep going in order to figure out the root of it all. Think about what you like and don't like about it, what are the triggers, how accomplished you feel, etc. You might subconsciously become uninterested through this discovery process. I have become less interested over the years because of how empty it is.

 

Part of embracing bad feelings is having the trust that it will dwindle on its own accord. You can just say to yourself "Oh, I don't really like this feeling" then don't worry about it. After that your subconscious takes care of it over time. Not that your subconscious needs to be told though. If you can do this a bit and then see how the process works then it's easier for your conscious mind to hand over control and then chill out while things unravel on their own.

From what I've experienced is that this hasn't worked yet, I experience a emptiness feeling inside, and pornography (which triggers a dopamine release inside the brain, among several other hormones, but mainly dopamine)  gives a stimulating feeling inside. Afterwards I do recall feeling empty and knowing that pornography is nothing but empty shallow sex, yet my instinct takes over the consious mind, in other words: No matter how much I tell myself it is bad, the craving always wins over the consious mind.

 

If I try to sit bad feelings out my mind will eventually dwell into sexual fantasies and which drives me towards pornography. I fell helpless knowing that my consious mind will lose to my instinct.

[willem20]

Let us turn the thing around. What is it about reacting this way that turns you off?

There is something you want and you don't know how to get there. I get that.

There is no guarantee that anything attempted will get a person to a different state. That is why it is called an attempt.

It's more the other way around, there is something I do not like, and I do not know how to get away from there (or to accept it) except artificial stimulations like video games, bad food and mostly pornography.

I want to learn how to accept those feelings.

[Rara]

No matter how much I tell myself it is bad, the craving always wins over the consious mind.

 

I say this sort of stuff all the time and then realise I'm lying.

 

Conscious mind just needs training. Sometimes, mine is to the point of "shut the fuck up and (insert affirmation here)"

 

What also helps is physically then going and doing something different. Pick self up, go to (insert ideal place here) and put my energy elsewhere. Then repeat, and repeat.

 

Stage one where you want to make change is all good Next stage, commit. Just do. Get your middle finger in the air at the "you" that likes sleazy porn.

 

Surround yourself with influences that side with the "you" thay you want to be.

 

Keep going my friend.

[Rara]

PS How old are you? It was only a couple of years ago when I dropped my porn habit, age 24/25 I guess...so if you are younger, I don't know, perhaps it's all part of the process in it taking a while.

 

I remember being very back and forth with it all for ages until eventually I realised it was starting to become dull to me. I guess I'd seen it all and eventually realised "this shit ain't even exciting no more dawg". So I started doing other constructive things with my time.

[willem20]

Im 20 now, but Im wondering: how did you train your consious mind then? This forum is relatively new to me, so I am nowhere as well read as most of you are here

[Rara]

Dude, 20? Wow, I wish I had the realisations that you now have at that age.

 

The reason why you are struggling with this right now is because you are resisting an urge within you...a natural one. For young males, it is perfectly normal to need a daily release (perhaps several) and when you're my age, if you start cultivating now, you will still feel essences of this addiction wanting to creep back. I won't lie, I'm not "clean"...I let myself off every now and then if the missus is out for the night haha. And I probably shouldn't, idk, but at least I know that she is my priority and 99.9% of my daily activities are done with her in mind, so I allow myself a bit here and there.

 

But in your case, ok...you are in a position I was at around age 23. I was fresh out of university, unemployed, probably depressed from the comedown of this weird illusion of importance I had when I was a student - so the internet was the only way I could re-live any of the nakedness and sleeping around etc.

 

How I got out of it was literally taking time out and putting energy elsewhere. I would ask myself - what do I want to be? What am I? Why am I sat on my arse with my dick out daily when I could be out there making the freaking universe move?

 

Your circumstances are different right now perhaps. Maybe you aren't at university/college or unemployed but whatever IS similar, is the way you handle negative stuff.

 

The thing is, it's only perspective. Is it negative? Or did you just chose the wrong girl? It takes two to tango...how honest are you with yourself?

 

There are so many variables but honest, and I repeat, honest reflection is the best part. Daily mindfulness meditation, 15-20 mins is a great place to start. Just focus on your breath...don't "search" for anything, the brain needs to be off for you to see yourself for what you are.

 

This is only a starting point but it will keep you busy for a long time, believe me.

 

Second of all, you say you're "not well read". No big deal, there's always a place to start...and sometimes, I think I read too much myself. Start with the Tao Te Ching. Visit a local temple if you like and talk to a teacher (I was once a mess and sent the craziest email to a Buddhist teacher in my area...she offered for me to see her the following weekend!)

 

The above won't directly "save" you in a week, it will plant some seeds in you and take you out of your own head. That is so valuable!

 

The journey never ends, but as long as you get up and jump on the ship, it will always be worthwhile!

[willem20]

Dude, 20? Wow, I wish I had the realisations that you now have at that age.

 

The reason why you are struggling with this right now is because you are resisting an urge within you...a natural one. For young males, it is perfectly normal to need a daily release (perhaps several) and when you're my age, if you start cultivating now, you will still feel essences of this addiction wanting to creep back. I won't lie, I'm not "clean"...I let myself off every now and then if the missus is out for the night haha. And I probably shouldn't, idk, but at least I know that she is my priority and 99.9% of my daily activities are done with her in mind, so I allow myself a bit here and there.

 

But in your case, ok...you are in a position I was at around age 23. I was fresh out of university, unemployed, probably depressed from the comedown of this weird illusion of importance I had when I was a student - so the internet was the only way I could re-live any of the nakedness and sleeping around etc.

 

How I got out of it was literally taking time out and putting energy elsewhere. I would ask myself - what do I want to be? What am I? Why am I sat on my arse with my dick out daily when I could be out there making the freaking universe move?

 

Your circumstances are different right now perhaps. Maybe you aren't at university/college or unemployed but whatever IS similar, is the way you handle negative stuff.

 

The thing is, it's only perspective. Is it negative? Or did you just chose the wrong girl? It takes two to tango...how honest are you with yourself?

 

There are so many variables but honest, and I repeat, honest reflection is the best part. Daily mindfulness meditation, 15-20 mins is a great place to start. Just focus on your breath...don't "search" for anything, the brain needs to be off for you to see yourself for what you are.

 

This is only a starting point but it will keep you busy for a long time, believe me.

 

Second of all, you say you're "not well read". No big deal, there's always a place to start...and sometimes, I think I read too much myself. Start with the Tao Te Ching. Visit a local temple if you like and talk to a teacher (I was once a mess and sent the craziest email to a Buddhist teacher in my area...she offered for me to see her the following weekend!)

 

The above won't directly "save" you in a week, it will plant some seeds in you and take you out of your own head. That is so valuable!

 

The journey never ends, but as long as you get up and jump on the ship, it will always be worthwhile!

 

Haha, I consider myself a smart lad, and thank you for the encouraging words!

 

To whom or what are you referring as she?

 

I also have a copy of Tao Te Ching on my bookshelf, I like it Thing is about the well read comment I made: I like to learn, and whatever I can read on how to improve: I'd gladly take it. Also now I'm curious, what do you find the best way to get yourself a step further in meditation? Right now I'm just sitting quietly every day for 10 minutes focussing my breath, but since I wake up early for my intership, but I find it hard to become fully focused so early.

[Rara]

Haha, I consider myself a smart lad, and thank you for the encouraging words!

 

To whom or what are you referring as she?

 

I also have a copy of Tao Te Ching on my bookshelf, I like it Thing is about the well read comment I made: I like to learn, and whatever I can read on how to improve: I'd gladly take it. Also now I'm curious, what do you find the best way to get yourself a step further in meditation? Right now I'm just sitting quietly every day for 10 minutes focussing my breath, but since I wake up early for my intership, but I find it hard to become fully focused so early.

"She" was perhaps the girl you dated. Or she was a different girl. Or a metaphor...it doesn't really matter. What does matter is, even just take it as an analogy...I guarantee that this is a universal truth for all your relationships.

 

A lot of the time, we are incompatible with each others' expectations...note, not incompatable with each other. So, your reaction from anything that "bad"...well..why not explore what happened before said split. What turned sour? Why so? Could you have been more accepting? Even if she was a major bitch, at least you could say "hey, at least I'm away from that and I know what I'm looking for in future".

 

This stuff takes time though...it's all a part of the cultivation process. Even I was still arguing with my mum at Christmas and had to put a post out on here...but I do know is that in the last 4 years, I've come a long way.

 

Ok, so Tao Te Ching went down well As you like reading and need some immediate practical advice rather than flowery texts, I recommend "Teach yourself to meditate"...I forgot the author though so when I look it up, I will let you know.

 

The content covered in there is for beginners and it helped me a lot when I first began serious practice.

 

What I encourage you to do is to carry your meditation out in every day life. If your focus is weak first thing in the morning (makes sense...sleep is funky on the brain) don't let that stop you. But try five mins before bed. Try being in the moment when you pour milk on your cereal. Avoid TV when eating dinner. Engage fully in conversations when you have them (no looking at your phone if a Facebook update pops up)

 

You get the idea

 

EDIT: Teach Yourself to Meditate by Eric Harrison

 

Also, don't be afraid to put out another post on here about the meditation techniques...I'm just one dude

Edited March 10, 2015 by Rara

[roger]

Hi Willem.

 

 

Know that it's OKAY to feel what you feel, and to look at porn.

 

 

Forgive yourself for your emotions and pornography on the basis that it's okay and that you have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

 

If you make it "bad," and feel like you "shouldn't" look at porn or feel negative emotions, you'll only make it more difficult to change. Give yourself PERMISSION to feel what you feel and to do as you wish, and then you're giving yourself permission NOT TO as well. If you think you shouldn't do something, or mustn't, you're only becoming more a prisoner to the thing.

 

 

I quit smoking when I stopped telling myself I "had" to quit, and gave myself freedom.

 

 

Freedom begets freedom.