Does anyone know a book that deals with how to give emotional support?

[Josama]

Hi, by now I have developed quite a deep understanding of human psychology due to observation and meditative practice. However, I always was and still am a social klutz. A lot of times when I want to help people I tend to say the wrong things. That's why I am looking for a book that only deals with how to say the right things to a person in distress. Any suggestions?

[silent thunder]

I find silence, intense attention and acute listening to be best.

That and reassuring physical touch, if appropriate.

 

I'm amazed, humbled and often a bit overwhelmed as people often share intense, deep and painful truths with me.  Coworkers, strangers, it's wild.  More often than not, my words are rather obvious and simple, but only pertinent to that one situation, so laying out a guideline of what to say wouldn't be possible to me.

 

I used to strive to say the perfect thing though, especially with my wife or a very close friend, both of whom endured horrific abuse at the hands of their families and have shared repressed memories, and all manner of stories over the decades.  Of late, I strive to be fully present for them, to listen intently and what few things I do say, are generally not answers, they are gentle reassurances, or questions that allow the person to walk out the path they are already engaged in...  It's really all about being a loving presence, more than an answer. 

 

While I'm not shy about advising if asked, I won't offer word one until asked.

[AussieTrees]

Namo Amitabha Buddha

 

Hi Josama,

 

I find silence, intense attention and acute listening to be best.

That and reassuring physical touch, if appropriate.

 

 While I'm not shy about advising if asked, I won't offer word one until asked.

 

Thank you silent thunder,for above quote.

 

When people are hurting or distressed,they often need to talk,best listen.

Sometimes the content is outside our realm of understanding or experience.

 

Being there to listen in a supportive way,a compassionate manner,offering empathy.

"Thanks for listening"maybe what you hear last of all.

 

Blessings

 

Humbly juls

[blue eyed snake]

I find silence, intense attention and acute listening to be best.

That and reassuring physical touch, if appropriate.

 

I'm amazed, humbled and often a bit overwhelmed as people often share intense, deep and painful truths with me.  Coworkers, strangers, it's wild.  More often than not, my words are rather obvious and simple, but only pertinent to that one situation, so laying out a guideline of what to say wouldn't be possible to me.

 

I used to strive to say the perfect thing though, especially with my wife or a very close friend, both of whom endured horrific abuse at the hands of their families and have shared repressed memories, and all manner of stories over the decades.  Of late, I strive to be fully present for them, to listen intently and what few things I do say, are generally not answers, they are gentle reassurances, or questions that allow the person to walk out the path they are already engaged in...  It's really all about being a loving presence, more than an answer. 

 

While I'm not shy about advising if asked, I won't offer word one until asked.

 

thank you silent thunder, you went, literally  , to the heart of the question.

 

 

maybe this makes it a bit easier to visualise

[Jetsun]

Parts of the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche I found useful, it gives advice on how to talk to people when they are dying, which you can apply to a lot of regular situations.

[Josama]

Both Jules and Silent Thunder you are right that listening attentively is the most important. Or more accurately it's most important that all your attention is focused on helping the other person. When you do you will automatically listen and think of the best solution. However, for me the best solution is most always something a long the lines of do pure land recitation etc. For me this is the universal solution. Not always, but a lot of times. Like I just see the other person who is depressed and I see myself in it and just think 'you could be so much happier if you were to recite Namo Amituofo'

 

However, I realized that people who are in an emotional slump aren't yet ready to do that. So yeah I decided that I first have to help them get out of the slump with normal methods. Actually, I didn't know the correct term for it. Didn't know that psychotherapy was what I was looking for.

 

So, I decided to order the 'Gift of Therapy' by Irvin.D.Yalom as that sounds exactly like what I am looking for.

[SonOfTheGods]

Hi, by now I have developed quite a deep understanding of human psychology due to observation and meditative practice. However, I always was and still am a social klutz. A lot of times when I want to help people I tend to say the wrong things. That's why I am looking for a book that only deals with how to say the right things to a person in distress. Any suggestions?

 

Better than a book- get a dog.

 

Dogs are good teachers - and provide a wealth of knowledge dealing with love, emotional support, etc

 

Dogs don't say the right or wrong thing- they just silently send out that "love beam'

 

 

- Just my opinion

[thelerner]

They're old and probably in the library; anything by Hugh Prather is good.  Such as Notes to Myself, or A Book for Couples were very good humanist books for dealing with the human condition. 

 

Haven't done it lately, but I used to listen or read Eckhardt Tolle when I was in an emotional tizzy.  His voice was calming and helped refocus away from the problem. 

 

 

later edit>  oh yeah, liquor works too

Edited August 25, 2015 by thelerner