Stosh Posted May 19, 2015 What songstan said sums up my own feelings. I am at a similar point in my life where my psychology is rejecting the male/female personoa/biology integration (which i cant even accomplish by any natural means anyways) and demanding an embrace of my own natural masculinity i was born with (path of least resistence TBH). I had for too long idealized the hermaphrodite perfection of unity and failed to cultivate my natural abilities and talents... I need to make changes that coincide with my nature, rather than try to achieve an idealized one... That which you are is already the idealized one. Just pick already! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) I remember when I was working out at the gym heavily...I weighed almost 230 lbs...now I am thin and waify...When I was more built I felt more masculine and Yang...I think that is the ticket really...time to put on some beef! I about 203 lbs right now and slender as hell...maybe thats why I feel girlish. I was taking NIA in Portland at a place called Body Moves, now called NIA Space I think....NIA is sort of like Tae Bo or similar classes but more feminine...I used to be the only guy in class, with like 20 women....I bet a lot of the women on TDB think some scary dude, but I have always run with the women....they are like my Wolf Pack..LOL....same with when I used to take African Dance...there would be like 2 guys in a class of 20 people....And my whole extended family is mostly girls - my grandmother had 6 girls....so maybe, because I am such as empath/chameleon, I picked up a lot of feminine energy/ways....I probably just need to bulk up and go train gongfu with a bunch of dudes....absorb some more masculine energy.... Also, this one long term relationship I had with an older women who had three really fierce Amazonian girls really influenced me....I really think that's it! I hae mainl hung out with women my whole life....in fact, any time I had roommates, they were almost always girls.... I dated an esthetician for a couple years as well, and became very Metrosexual as they say....I file and buff my nails now. I guess I am into masculine beauty, with a heavy dose of femininity. I do like dressing up in drag. Did I mention that I won best shemale at Portland's annual 'Prom Disaster' party? Its where all the guys go as girls, and girls as guys....my girlfriend, who is the one mentioned above, won best 'man'...she is like 6' tall....my current girlfriend (semi - we keep breaking up and making up) is 5' 10" and very dominant.... Very strange life I have led! Edited May 19, 2015 by Songtsan Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan Posted May 19, 2015 That which you are is already the idealized one. Just pick already! ...... if i had a choice it would be both. lol but i DONT have a choice, so i will do my best to forget ideals. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted May 19, 2015 I think that the next World Shaking Buddha should be Intersexed...born with both dangly bits....what a neat body to be born into, and so rare! I pray that my next life I will be born thus, should I need to return.. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan Posted May 19, 2015 according to Edgar Cayce, humans evolved from genetic experiments involving the combining of various animal DNA, and we were originally furry, feathered, tailed, hermaphrodites across teh board.Further genetic manipulation led the the physiological separation of male and female archetypes.I desire a return to unity of sex/gender.... but i was sadly not born as such 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
thelerner Posted May 19, 2015 How do you get more comfortable in your own skin..accept yourself?? age seems to help. little secret things, a bits of color, developing your own individual style..? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan Posted May 19, 2015 not feeling like i have to worry about other people judging me would be nice.... but i have no personal power. everything i have has come from everyone but me. everything i have done has lead me to no material gain... or otherwise.I am wholly dependant on others, not because i am incapable of action, but because my karma demands it.I am not in control of my environment; i cannot place myself with any deliberation into an environment wherein i would be comfortable or even content expressing myself as more female. Masculinity is a peer pressure that not only affects men, but also defeminizes many women into becoming more assertive and dominant than the natural feminine expression, thereby ALSO psychologically influencing men to express femininity as they are DEPRIVED of such expressions FROM WOMEN! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted May 19, 2015 Yes, it does feel like we are being subtly manipulated....perhaps to create as much agony as possible? The agony and the ecstasy! It's a funny world.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aetherous Posted May 19, 2015 not feeling like i have to worry about other people judging me would be nice Well...literally everyone is judged, and it's a personal thing of whether we identify as victims, or not but simply dislike when it happens. Sometimes I have a hard time with it too. In the house I currently live, which is filled with gay women, I'm judged and was recently treated like less than shit for simply being a man. It's just the world we live in, where some people can't help but feel negative and cast it onto others from time to time. One can be judged for being too normal, as well. Think about that. Life ain't easy for most of us. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nine tailed fox Posted May 20, 2015 how is a real masculined man ? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) Masculinity suggests muscles, near fearlessness, virility, machismo, ruggedness, stereotypically speaking. A sort of swagger. Not as expressive as females, more limited in scope. Now, gay guys could be masculine, or feminine..... Edited May 20, 2015 by Songtsan Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
blue eyed snake Posted May 20, 2015 You know, i'm actually happy you bring this up! It brings me some recognition actually. You're a male with strong female tendencies, i'm a female with strong male tendencies. I remember that as a small child, i really thought that I would grow a penis later on, just like my brothers... and I was not happy when one of my sisters explained to me that that was not gonna happen... Looking back in my life is see how i've been dancing around some balance, still looking for what being female can mean for me. I'm not very balanced btw, but that has other reasons. I think, when i would have been young now, i would have been very attracted to actually become a boy. but in my time, that choice simply wasn't there. And looking back, i'm happy about it. Life taught ( and teaches) me to work out ways to live with the 'who am i' in this constellation of male and female characteristics. But, reading you and Vanir, it's also clear to me that in this time and part of the world it's easier for a girl to explore acting/being male then the other way around. Nobody chided me ( very hard) for wearing pants instead of skirts, climbing trees, becoming dirty and fight with the other boys in the street. A tomboy i was ( and stayed to be). Several times in my life I've been part of a male group and after some initial problems, became part of it. Hardest part of my life in that regard was when i became fem... the boys didn't want to play with me anymore, and i had never cultivated girlfriends. Those were some lonely years, but after that i found new ways that worked well. But indeed, when a boy wants to wiggle his hips, dress up and dance, he's getting bad crap. Is that because the male gender is deemed better ( in general) in this time and culture? so that a woman wanting to be a boy is 'climbing up'and a boy playing girl is lowering himself? That could be a sort of unconscious societal reaction. But where-ever it comes from, i can see that it is harder for boys with a strong female part. But still, would you give up things that make you feel good, that are part of your quality as a human being to become more 'male' whatever it is...Because society wants that of you? The way you talk about dressing up and walk with a wiggle ( a joy that's relatively new for me ) makes me feel you shouldn't give it up, it's part of you. and I also wonder, would taking testosterone making you more happy? more balanced? For myself, i'm pretty sure that when i would do take hormones that force my body-structure and mindset to go more female, that it would not make me more happy or balanced...i think I would feel a pseudo female... i prefer to be ( and find out) just what i am. so....for me it's like, finding a balance with the givens, sometimes the male, sometimes the female is being the stronger. Yep, but that's my conclusion, still, i wanted to give it to you, seeing how it is part of what you're struggling with now. and when you write: <<given by one who considers himherself to be uniquely soul-twinned with magical man/woman spirit....>> that somehow explains beautifully what i meant with all my words lets dance http://seerseekersayersage.blogspot.nl/2014/09/summoning-spirits-of-their-ancestors.html I don't know, now I am thinking back to my original plan, to try and hyperpolarize to being more rooted in one gender identity. It just seems more stable. Not only do I feel it in my gut, it makes logical sense. Those of mixed internal gender often seemed the most unhappy. There are higher rates of suicide among such people. I was born this way, it seems, so I am not sure how much path working is an option...I've seen the stress more, the lack of balance, in other posters on this board, such as Vanir or DB....I am not sure how to proceed honestly. Should I try testosterone supplements? I've never heard of any techniques on approaching hyperpolarization... It seems like many of the more stable members in the board are comfortably situated in their sexuality... 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Songtsan Posted May 20, 2015 Can't respond in whole to your wonderful post, as I am at work right now, but I would like to respond to the part where you said that males were considered better...i.e. 'climbing up'....this is a real interesting topic to explore, and maybe should be done in Mount Kunlun....so I am going to start a thread real quick there, and get the ball rolling, then get back to work.... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan Posted May 20, 2015 Well...literally everyone is judged, and it's a personal thing of whether we identify as victims, or not but simply dislike when it happens. Sometimes I have a hard time with it too. In the house I currently live, which is filled with gay women, I'm judged and was recently treated like less than shit for simply being a man. It's just the world we live in, where some people can't help but feel negative and cast it onto others from time to time. One can be judged for being too normal, as well. Think about that. Life ain't easy for most of us. IT IS NOT "just the world we live in"!!! that's an irresponsible statement and only going to step aside to allow things to continue to degrade. It is not "just the world we live in" but the absense of personal accontability and further degraded by PRAISING that kind of mentality! Dont dare say it is "just" the way, because it is NOT the way. it is directly CONTRARY to THE WAY. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan Posted May 20, 2015 Can't respond in whole to your wonderful post, as I am at work right now, but I would like to respond to the part where you said that males were considered better...i.e. 'climbing up'....this is a real interesting topic to explore, and maybe should be done in Mount Kunlun....so I am going to start a thread real quick there, and get the ball rolling, then get back to work.... I can relate to BES' growing up.... i genuinely believe i would develope as a woman after puberty, and even though i knew in the back of my head that was not physically possible, i held hope for the miracle.... :\ Im currently tyring to give all that up, let go, and embrace what i am, i have, and am equipped to be, rather than continuing to pine for breasts and fertility...... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
