My Experience

[maldor]

I don't really know where to post this so I'll post it here.

 

This is a brief description of what I experienced a couple of years ago.

 

I decided to take a month off and do nothing but think about all the things that I had left alone for several years. I ended up awake all night and slept a couple of times a day for 2-3 hours usually at 10am and 6pm. I ate when I was hungry and slept when I was sleepy.

 

This pattern continued for much longer (around three months). During this time I was thinking about the meaning of life and beginning of everything, playing strategy games online, and generally just thinking about things.

 

I found myself in a spiral of self introgation and was stubborn enough to continue asking questions about the meaning of it all. I got to the point where I was concentrating so hard that I forgot to eat often and basically ended up fasting some days.

 

Eventually I said to myself "**** it!", I'll just play my game online and forget about everything else completely. Then "it" happened.

 

It is worth explaining at this point that I was making a map for the game I was playing. I was trying to make a very complex map that required tiem to think about when playing. It was based on an idea I've had brewing for a story. Better to say it was based on a world I had created in my head and had been slowly building on for nearly 20 years.

 

Anyway what happened when I returned to making this map is from somewhere inside my head I was given the "answer" and I found myself lying on my bed with tears of joy running down my face. Everytime I tried to mentally verbalise what I "saw" it slipped away. Then I was left in awe and speechless and it came back again like a wave or pulse. Physically I felt something akin to a shudder down my spine that eminated from the centre of my brain in steady wave all the way outward and down my body.

 

After this I became paranoid because I could not have been the only one to experience this "bliss" so I thought that someone would be tracking me down. The paranoia subsided quickly enough.

 

All i can say about it is that if every human being on the planet had this experience for one day the entire world would change over night. It was not that I felt like I understood everything it was something more than that! Happiness was something pointless to me in those times. I cannot explain what I mean by that only that to be happy seemed like a trivial think compared to where I was. I would say it is where the word "bliss" came from. Happiness to me now is almost like a simulation of something we have no real grasp of.

 

I have read a number of things since and my experience doesn't really fit into the category of "mania" it seems. I was utterly relaxed. Someone could have put a gun to my head and I wouldnt have been phased in the slightest. I didn't feel invunerable just connected to all around me. I could walk around with a huge aura of amiability and people seemed to gravitate to me more and listen to me more. What is stranger still was my ability to listen became abnormally good.

 

This experience lasted for nearly three months and slowly wore off.

 

I would be very interested to hear any thoughts about this experience and what it was and how to get back there ... I think I know how to get there though and its not pleasant to torture yourself trying because it seems that only surrender works and that is not something I can purposely do. I cannot give up because I want the answers because I know I am not giving up at all.

 

 

 

 

[Spotless]

Maldor - Look at the following two quotes from your post:

 

"Eventually I said to myself "**** it!", I'll just play my game online and forget about everything else completely. Then "it" happened."

 

Later at the end:

 

"it seems that only surrender works and that is not something I can purposely do. I cannot give up because I want..."

 

So often awakening comes at a moment we just drop inertia - we do not even drop it - it is momentarily suspended.

 

Driving inertia to get it back won't bring it back. Surrender is a poor choice among words - it has a doing in its connotation.

Edited May 7, 2015 by Spotless

[Seeker of Wisdom]

You can't choose to drop everything - you have to cultivate to know on a deep gnosis level that nothing is worth holding, so then dropping will occur by itself. This gnosis can be found through koan, self-inquiry, vipashyana, etc. Sounds to me like you accidentally used koan practice. Just my theoretical understanding...

Edited May 7, 2015 by Seeker of Wisdom

[Spotless]

It can also fall away - I was meditating a lot several years ago now and suddenly my current life past fell away in big chunks. Day after day. I did not release or surrender anything - it fell away. It is quite something to adjust to - I have a wife, child and business, and suddenly the bond and history is altered.

[maldor]

There are certain triggers for ASC's (Altered states of consciousness) and I ticked the boxes of a few of them. I fasted, lost nearly 20kg, sleep dep (although I just didn't need to), intense concentration. Also directly after this happened I found myself curling up in the fetal position and purposely hyperventilating because it just seemed like the right thing to do. I think I did the later because my body was trying to get me back to the ASC experience.

 

After this happened I spent a lot of time pacing and thinking about what I could do. I did feel a weight of responsibility for the universe. It was like I was the parent of everyone and everything and everything was my parent also. I had everything to hand but could do nothing with it, could see no direction that made sense. I feel like my rational mind was in the way yet without rationality I could not exist.

 

You have to understand that this is now just hindsight. Within the experience everything was ... a word that does not exist in the human vocabulary. I was the ultimate communicator, ultimate serenity, ultimate concentration. Although I had calmness I also had racing thoughts (that are related to manic episodes).

 

What blows my mind is that if other people have these experiences and understand them better where are they ? I cannot be the ONLY one to appreciate what this thing could do and how it can shape all of humanity. This makes me feel a weight of responsibility as I mentioned although I am out of the experience now and it is just something in the presence of my ego not the true self that resides - that probably sounds like nonsense but I just don't have the words, and trust me I have looked HARD for the correct wording.

[Perceiver]

Maldor, I believe you experienced a spiritual awakening. You can google the side effects to see if it's true.

 

I went through something similar back in August of last year. I was at an utter low in my life, left without a voice for several years, and watching the summer go by while stewing in my apartment being unable to speak. It got to the point where for several weeks I thought about dying. Not because I wanted to kill myself, but because dying just seemed like a nice thing. Being 30+ years old, single and without a voice for several years fucking sucks.

 

Then one day the rug was pulled from under my feet. I was sitting at my table, eating a sandwich, and all of a sudden I had a visualization about myself as an old man, lying on my deathbed with my children and wife around me. I watched myself die, and go into the last mystery of life (death) as a happy man.

 

The second the visualization was over a wave of complete awe washed over me, and for several minutes I just sat there and gasped in awe, tears running down my cheeks. Once that was done, a chuckle started that soon turned into a laughter. I was laughing myself silly for several minutes for "no reason". The second that was over, I had a single thought where I reviewed all of my life, all the things leading up to this one point and thought "fantastic". 

 

When that was done, a natural smile came upon my face, and for the next three days I was in an extreme state. I felt everything that happened was perfect. I felt like I moved, thought and acted with absolute perfection. I was infinitely interested in every little thing that existed. Every person, boring TV-show or mundane activity had something captivating about itself. I felt that every person was exactly like he or she could be, and that they were perfect in their imperfection. I had enormous creativity and had to walk around with a notepad all the time because I got so many ideas.

 

It only lasted three days, and then it went away. A few months later, I would regain my voice though and got back into life. Something for which I'm very grateful.

 

I beat myself up over its demise too. Why did it go away, what can I do to get it back?

 

Well, as you probably already know there's nothing you really can do to get it back. It will return if and when it wants to, and when you're ready.

 

What I've done is to simply have a relaxed mindset about it all, and follow a spiritual path and practice. I train in Michael Winn's system, I do introspective activities and I pursue my goals in life with as much honesty as I can. Then spiritual progress should come by itself I'd say.

 

Best of luck

[Seeker of Wisdom]

...What blows my mind is that if other people have these experiences and understand them better where are they ? I cannot be the ONLY one to appreciate what this thing could do and how it can shape all of humanity...

If you want to hear/read people's experiences and awakenings (an awesome experience isn't necessarily awakening, and can be misleading), three sources come to mind.

 

*Buddha at the gas pump.

*Liberation Unleashed - particularly their free eBook, 'Gateless Gatecrashers'.

*Daniel Ingram, the Dharma Overground, and the hardcore/pragmatic dharma scene in general. Daniel Ingram's 'Mastering the core teachings of the Buddha' (free online PDF) is extremely illuminating, experiential, practice-oriented and a good read.

[maldor]

Perceiver -

 

That sounds like what I had but the obvious difference is that it lasted for 3 months, 2 months of it at highest level.

 

I did not have "visions" or hallucinations of any kind (I do in hindsight remember hearing voices at a much later date). At the time I forgot about the voices completely and just set myself to remember how the experience felt because I knew it was too unbelievable to remember fully.

 

Someone mentioned koan. I guess it does it into zen before of the focus I had.

 

I have one theory of what happened physiologically. That is I had a natural release of DMT. I have never tried the stuff so I cannot compare.

 

I am, as you may have guessed, a skeptical person. I am so skeptical I barely believe in existence itself I am very aware of numerous mental illusions that we are blindly guided by every day. The brain is an extraordinary thing.

 

The whole idea of "spiritual"/"supernatural" sets me off. I am not someone who will just take things at face value. Just because I cannot explain or express something does not make it "supernatural". I understand why this experience can be called awakening ... I did "wake up" but now I am dead to it. It is there but out of reach. That is the frustrating thing for me at the moment. Maybe it is simply a brain disorder. Brain disorder or not it was a real experience.

 

I do struggle with the the idea of it being a delusion. If so I could take the wrong step. I do not seem to be able to just take a leap of faith. I need some kind of rationale in order to proceed. Not even sure if I can find any or not.

 

I did try to force it to return and a year later I went the other way ... I had horrible voices in my head. It was a nasty psychotic episode and the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I did actually try to send myself over the edge and succeeded although the outcome was polar, probably because it was forced.

 

I would not call these experiences "enlightenment" or "awakenings" because I am not that way inclined. For me that is religious dogma not a pure individual perspective. From the intial experience I figured out what all these spiritual and religious movements are about. They are schools to guide people (knowingly or not) into altered states of consciousness. Buddhism does seem to be the purest remaining form of this, although it is still not true to the original intent.

 

I need guidance for sure. I have an idea of how to get it and I am proceeding with that. I am not asking or guidance here because guidance from anyone else is pretty worthless. For me places like this online are for learning to express these things and finding ideas to unlock knowledge to help me help myself in order to become myself ... that sounds so hippy it makes me sick!! XD haha!

 

The irrational is the most rational, logic is illogical. There is no reason for anything, we simply are and that simplicity is the most extraordinary and most overlooked aspect of humanness. That is all I know. There is only effect if you think about it not accept it and move on through motions.

 

I'll shut up now

[maldor]

You've probably all seen this and read the book:

 

https://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight

 

It is possible I simply had a mini stroke! If so I am glad I did.

[Perceiver]

I hear what you say, Maldor. I'm a highly skeptical person too.

 

There's a book I would like to recommend you. It's called "A Brief History of Everything" by Ken Wilber. I think you'll find it valuable at this point in your life.

[Nikolai1]

Some people have a sudden experience like yours which happens out the blue and is not sustained. The experience however is life changing and must be somehow incorporated into their everyday life, both at the level of understanding and in terms of behaviour.

 

You describe yourself as sceptical. Often sceptics are just sceptical about some things, for example, religion, and mostly dogmatic when it comes to conventional scientific descriptions. The fact that you wonder about how to explain it shows that you haven't intellectually integrated the experience yet. This may take some time, involve lots of reading and conversation, and at one point you may feel the need to adopt some kind of specific practice. One thing is absolutely sure: you won't be able to rest until this integration is complete. The experience will return, although not necessarily as a cataclysmic episode. From now on there might be a subtle transformation which will slowly fill your life with peace, happiness and wisdom.

 

I thought your description was fascinating, thoughtful and well written. I think you have experienced something really special. You may not like the spiritual associations, but these narratives seem to be the only ones available for what we can more neutrally call changes in consciousness. Perhaps with time you'll feel more sympathetic to talking about things in this way.

 

I really hope you stay here at TDB to share your journey with us!