Seeking Advice... Again! How Should I Handle This?

[DreamBliss]

A cousin of mine just got married. I was sick and used it as a valid excuse not to go. But I would not have gone even if I had been well. Another cousin, her brother, is also getting married in a month I think. I was close to both of these people at one time. Close enough that I am probably right in assuming both them, and their mother, my aunt, will be hurt and offended by my absence. It doesn't matter that we have had little contact for over 10 years now.

 

I was thinking I should say something on Facebook. Say I am not going, and explain, with as little detail as possible, why. But I don't know if this is something I should do or not.

 

There may very well be envy and jealousy hidden here somewhere. But as far as I am aware, the reason I do not want to go, is because doing so would hurt me. In fact, every time the family gets together, I feel especially isolated and alone. I feel drained and hurt. I have no idea where this is coming from, no obvious reasons I know of.

 

I think, I truly believe, I am happy for them. I have nothing against any of them. I am glad they have found someone to share their life with. But I feel as if everyone else is getting what they want. They are finding someone to share their life with. They have a dream or a purpose or both. They are happy. Everyone around me seems to be finding someone, seems to be going somewhere. I feel frozen, stuck in time.

 

I have attended 3 weddings that I can recall and 2-3 funerals and memorials. I can honestly say that the only marriage and funeral I wish to attend at this point are my own. I think it would kill me, figuratively and literally, to go. To watch other people being happy, having a life worth living and sharing, enjoying the things I have wanted for such a long time.

 

This video does a good job of depicting exactly how I would feel:

http://youtu.be/ZEQEvUIcjJw

 

I want them to be happy. But the bright light of their experience casts very dark shadows, and I am in those shadows. I could force myself to go, but I would be miserable and I would have a detrimental effect on others as a result.

 

So, in your opinion, what should I do? Should I post at Facebook and say I am not going, briefly explaining why? Or should I just remain silent and hope they never ask me why I was not there? I slipped by with this sickens my body is fighting. But I have no more convenient excuses handy.

 

I appreciate your help. I know some of you have to be getting tired of giving me advice only to have me completely ignore it. I thank you for your patience.

 

I keep thinking I am somehow broken or flawed. That there is something wrong with me, and as handy as I am, I just can't fix it. Everyone else seems to have it figured out. I am as confused and lost as ever. It's almost like they are from an alien exotic culture, with customs that remain unfathomable to me. It seems so easy for them. Meet someone, have sex with them, get married or not, have a kid, repeat. Like the majority of the rest of the American population. But I just don't get it. I just don't understand it. I feel as if I should, as if I should know this stuff, and that is just additional proof that there is something wrong with me because I don't.

 

Anyway... Enough rambling...

Edited May 10, 2015 by DreamBliss

[Apech]

For myself I have always taken the view that feelings of alienation and so on are not me or mine.  They exist in the mind/being because of the imprints of past experiences and are triggered by certain events.  They are a form of inertia or like a recording being played again and again.  The true nature of your being is naturally kind and compassionate and not bound by reactive feelings.  But these feelings have a certain amount of energy in them and they are hard to ignore or overcome.  But it is possible over time to erode their effect by first realising that they are on record only and by discharging the energy stored in them.  You can do this internally by examining them and externally by using situations like this wedding as a kind of battleground.  Either way  you need to put the natural resources of your mind into play.  Once you realise that this is the issue and not the details of the external events, other people and so on - they are not the cause but simply the triggers for how you feel - you can start to work with this.  You may decide to go to the wedding even if you feel that you do not want to, its painful and so on.  By observing how the triggers and patterns work you start to get more information about them and can start to pick them apart one bit at a time.  This will lead you step by step toward a sense of personal freedom, energy and understanding.

[Marblehead]

You should go.  You might meet a woman who is attracted to you.  If you stay in your room with your monkeys all you are going to see is monkeys.

[RiverSnake]

Allow me to share a story with you. I was training with a couple of friends recently and we were all sitting on wooden chairs outside practicing. One of the practices we were doing was circulating the secret smile. Personally I was feeling a bit energetically fried so I didn't do this practice or any kind of energetic work.

 

Yet something interesting happened, even though I wasn't doing the smile, I started to burst into spontaneous bliss. I couldn't stop laughing and feeling joyful. I kept up this feeling for a good 40 minutes until we stopped practicing and we all parted ways. Just being in the space where other people were practicing caused me to explode with bliss. This bliss is a phenomenon which IMO all practitioners eventually experience.

 

The point of me telling this story is to tell you this DreamBliss. Misery and sorrow does not have to be your reality, you can choose another way of life, a much more blissful and joyful way of living. Keep practicing.

Edited May 10, 2015 by OldChi

[Silent Answers]

Don't beat yourself up...you think they're better off than you? You've got all your time to yourself! Man, would I do anything for a weekend of peace and quiet.

 

The grass is always greener on the other side. Some days we just can't see the positive aspects of what we have already. It's always there, though.

[Aetherous]

Just show up, tell them congrats, and then leave early to go do something that you actually enjoy. That way they can't give you shit for it and you basically did the right thing, while taking care of yourself too, so you'll feel good.

[silent thunder]

Be yourself.  Above all, be authentic.

Don't apologize for what you need, or what makes you comfortable.

And don't feel compelled to explain everything you do. 

 

I needed about 15 years of separation from my family in order to recalibrate and heal some things.  Now that those muddy waters have cleared, I find even when around the old influences that would trigger emotional storms in me, no longer have the inertia that Apech mentioned and so I am unaffected in their presence and can hang out around my family and simply be.  Oddly, my simply being there as my unapologetic, authentic self seems to have an affect on them... The Sage is in the world, but not of it.  Occupy the center.  The center is everywhere and everywhen.  We are just often not settled enough to experience it consciously, but when we do, it can have a powerful calming affect on others.  So the healing you seek, may be the healing you bring with you.

 

I also see now after some years, as Apech also pointed out (man I like that post), that many of these triggers are mere echoes.  Not real, not even present any longer, but merely the reverberations of old inertia that only remains, because I haven't released it yet.  Tapes playing on loops due to familiarity and often, in my case, some latent desire to identify myself with their stories.  When I finally realized I'm not the stories, they fell away effortlessly, leaving me.

 

Sort of like peeling an onion.  So many layers and so often to me it felt like... "am I really doing this again?"  "I thought I was past all this?"  But this kind of work on ourselves is cumulative.  Even though we may feel like we are repeating the same steps, we are not.  Change is constant and with awareness and intent, change can be channeled.

 

And as we get to the center of the onion, much like the center of whatever inertial emotional issue we are working through, when we peel that last layer, we find... Emptiness.  Authenticity.  Simple Being.

 

All that said, again I reinforce.  Do what you need to be comfortable and feel no need to apologize.  Few things can carry the inertia and powerful echoes like old family hurts and there were a couple of people I have had to consciously cut out completely.  No matter how compassionate and loving, they are too broken to be near without enduring harm and at some point, our compassion must be for our self.

[DreamBliss]

Just... Wow... I have no words.

 

Except... Thank you, everyone.

 

Apech, your words really resonated with me. As did yours, silent thunder. I think I will take your advice, and maybe do as Aetherous suggested. Come in, stay for the ceremony, leave afterwards. I will have to make arrangements.

 

OldChi, what is this secret smile practice? Have you any information on it, as you practiced or practice it? Could you share that information? Also thank you for what you said.

 

Marblehead... I suspected someone would come in here with advice along the lines of, "Hit on the bridesmaids..." Surprised it was you though. I thought it would be Nungali...

(edited, big boo-boo here...)

 

But yes, you are correct. My room is filled with monkeys, better to take inspired action in the natural flow of my life, which means going to this wedding, where I can meet people. Never know what might happen. Just have to somehow do so in a way that if I do not meet anyone I am not disappointed.

 

Silent Answers... I would trade every moment I have for a worthwhile way to spend and share just a few of them with another.

Edited May 11, 2015 by DreamBliss

[Nungali]

Don't beat yourself up...you think they're better off than you? You've got all your time to yourself! Man, would I do anything for a weekend of peace and quiet.

 

 

Bravo !   

 

( A problem  arose yesterday and I decided to completely ignore it, until it effects me. Then I realised, even though shit is happening  a lot lately here , the moments in between are quiet, beautiful, serene and I am surrounded by nature  ...

 

yeah !  the moments in between

 

" Don't it always seem to go

That you don't know what you've got

‘Til it's gone .... " 

 

[Nungali]

Oh yeah, and I agree with Marbles ... I hate weddings and refuse to go ....  but yes, they are a social occasion where one can meet others ... even others that might be thinking " Damn ! How come they got a partner and I didnt." 

[Nungali]

Just show up, tell them congrats, and then leave early to go do something that you actually enjoy. That way they can't give you shit for it and you basically did the right thing, while taking care of yourself too, so you'll feel good.

 

Hang outside a bit before you leave - you might find a 'restless wanderer' that wants to escape too. 

[Nungali]

Marblehead... I suspected someone would come in here with advice along the lines of, "Hit on the bridegrooms..." Surprised it was you though. I thought it would be Nungali...

 

 

I think you mean bride's maids ???      

 

What Marblehead offers  gay advice now ? ? ?     

 

Noooooooooooooooooo  . 

[Nungali]

In case you do go

 

 

bridegrooms:

 

 

(the ones in dark clothes)

 

 

 

Bride's maids

 

 

 

 

Charge and scatter  

 

[RiverSnake]

Hey DreamBliss. Sponteneous bliss and joy as an everyday state takes years to cultivate, I'm not there yet. My point in that post was meant to let you know that there are states of being that exist way beyond the suffering and sorrow you are currently dowsed in....and that these joyful states can be accomplished with daily effort....though not many people on the planet ever experience them in an internally generated way.

 

Here's a link to the Secret Smile. Be warned its possible to trigger K by doing this technique. Blessings.

 

http://thedaobums.com/topic/9719-dr-morriss-secret-smile-breathing-basic-kap-1-giri-for-the-tao-bumbs/

Edited May 10, 2015 by OldChi

[Marblehead]

Marblehead... I suspected someone would come in here with advice along the lines of, "Hit on the bridegrooms..." Surprised it was you though. I thought it would be Nungali...

 

Hehehe.  I think you got me confused with someone else with that one.  However, if that is your "thing" then go ahead on.

 

But yes, you are correct. My room is filled with monkeys, better to take inspired action in the natural flow of my life, which means going to this wedding, where I can meet people. Never know what might happen. Just have to somehow do so in a way that if I do not meet anyone I am not disappointed.

Yes.  No expectations.  Okay?  We should never place our expectations on others and I will suggest that we be very careful when we place expectations on our self.  It's funny how life does us some times.

Edited May 10, 2015 by Marblehead

[Marblehead]

I think you mean bride's maids ???      

 

What Marblehead offers  gay advice now ? ? ?     

 

Noooooooooooooooooo  . 

No is correct.  But whoever we are, we should be who we are.

[Nungali]

No is correct.  But whoever we are, we should be who we are.

 

 

[Marblehead]

Yeah.  And be proud of it!!!

[DreamBliss]

Thank you for that correction Nungali... That will teach me not to write something when I am half asleep... Maybe...

 

I don't understand the deer antlers thing. Going right over my head...

 

Edited and corrected my post.

[Songtsan]

I can really relate to how you are feeling, as I have had similar feelings of alienation, anhedonia, and sense of displacement during the ages of 20-25....it seemed like a 'Dark Night of the Soul,' and in retrospect I can see what I could have done better: better nutrition, ensuring adequate substrates for neuropeptides, especially dopamine, serotonin, nor epinephrine; proper exercise, proper rest, reflection...also, spend time branching out into new communities, exploring new hobbies, skills. Sometimes, feelings of alienation are of a shamanic nature, meant to cut the head off of your ego- but you should never assume that (but it COULD be that, just don't assume). Every family needs a healer, an innovator/outlier, so if'n that be you, then so be it...it would help to know any history of drug use, PTSD stuff, weird dreams, eating disorders, or any correlative symptoms...

[Michael Sternbach]

If you go there with thinking: "They have something I don't have", that's a negative focus. I too think you should see the event as an opportunity. My advice: Involve at least one reasonably attractive, non-related female in a chat there! If this doesn't lead to anything else, that's fine - consider it an exercise. Plus you will feel less alienated.

 

On the other hand, it could be you who catches the bridal flower bouquet.

Edited May 11, 2015 by Michael Sternbach

[Nikolai1]

Exactly what you do about this wedding is relatively unimportant. The broader issue is that you need to feel able to associate with other people without their happiness being a threat. Obviously, if you have more happiness of your own you would genuinely be able to rejoice in theirs.

 

I said it in the other thread: your happiness depends on getting your own life on track. This wedding episode is just more evidence that you cannot and will not tolerate your lifestyle as it currently stands. It is becoming more and more oppressive to you, and now you don't want to participate in things that should be fun.

 

I know you're shit scared of change. But I promise you that if you find work where you have lots of colleagues, men and women, people will like you, find you interesting and your life will take off. And yes, the next wedding probably will be yours...

 

Come on Dreambliss! Why not start some constructive chat about how to get going with this...?

[idiot_stimpy]

Edited May 11, 2015 by idiot_stimpy

[Nungali]

Just make sure you wear something appropriate 

 

 

 

 

 

[Michael Sternbach]

I don't understand the deer antlers thing. Going right over my head...

Well, I would say that's one horny deer looking for deer ladies.

Edited May 11, 2015 by Michael Sternbach