A case of "Leaky Energy" in interpersonal relationship

[Yasjua]

So this is an advice and discussion post. I welcome your input.

 

The situation is that my roommate, let's call her C, is a leaky faucet of psychosomatic energy. I personally define this as a case of "poor boundaries." Now, my boundaries are fairly strong - I know what I am responsible for most of the time, including the acquisition of joy, connection, confidence, love, success and respect.

 

In theory boundaries, when healthy, do not leak these responsibilities onto other people. In other words, to have no strategy or desire to obtain simple treasures like self-esteem and comfort from others, having already claimed them within the scope of self.

 

I think healthy boundaries are energy-conserving on an emotional and energetic level, and realistic/respectful on a psychological level, functionally speaking. Someone with healthy boundaries does not exhibit neediness or pushiness. They don't drain others and they don't violate others. And yet, all needs get met in healthy, fulfilling relationships because the exchange of energy is always clean and appropriate to the level of relationship that is present. 

 

The case with C is simply that she is too kind - a sort of vapid, friendly givingness that is neither merited nor appreciated by me. I have met generous and kind people who have full, powerful, dense energy at their core that defines their individuality and character richness - their kindness does not involve a dispersion or reduction of personal essence. It is the opposite with C. I know nothing about her because a tremendous amount of her total energy is dispersed into an unnecessary 'concern' for others. It is (or seems to be) a constant fear of hers that she will offend me - a projection that is rapidly self-fulfilling as her conflict-avoidant behavior irritates me. She is extremely apologetic for things that require no apology, and micro-manages a variety of micro-stimuli (like her dog's little whimpers) to not inconvenience me. Just making eye-contact with her is an energetically exhausting and repulsive experience, because she's standing there, waiting to make sure everything is okay - ready to give something that is not needed - her airy, insubstantial kindness.

 

I would like advice on how to protect myself from this kind of drainage and waste of my energy. I like when people "do their own thing" and engage me when there is something of substance, something authentic to be shared. I do not like being engaged constantly on a level that insults my personal capacity for responsibility over my own feelings and emotions. Since she is forty and a professional psychologist, I do not think I would be able to change her - nor do I really want to - but I do want advice on how to better prevent this leakage of hers from settling into my body, as it's doing lately.

Edited May 18, 2015 by Yasjua

[Nikolai1]

My guess is that before you both met you were probably very different people. She: basically insecure and empty and well in the habit of gaining social approval by pleasing others.

 

You: Independent, autonomous, and basically using your own individuality as a way of eliciting the individuality from others because that is what you want most from other people: their authentic selves.

 

Then you both met and it was a collision course.  You were both the nut that the other couldn't crack. All your strategies were failing.  You would not allow yourself to be needed by her; she would not be her own person in her own right.

 

Well we can't speak for her, but you have a lesson to learn from this.  Some people are, in the their truest nature, airy, insubstantial and conventional.  You have to come to terms with her, even though she goes against everything that is most important for you.  

 

If you were as boundaried and responsible as you think you are you actually wouldn't be fazed by her.  You would see that she needs you to see her clean your shoes.  Let her clean your shoes and she can move on, her point has been made.  But you won't let her because you aren't yet independent and boundaried enough to let others be unboundaried.  Your need for independence is a need and therefore a failure of your own integrity.

 

When we are still in the process of honing ourselves into who we wish to be, we tend to try to get others to be the same as us.  This us because we turn our own individuation needs into universal virtues.  It is hugely confusing to see the importance of self-reliance and at the same time encourage others to be dependent on others.  Hugely confusing.  So you need your roommate to be more self-reliant, while she is needing you to be reliant on her!

 

So no advice, but a description of the scenario and hopefully some food for thought.

[Michael Sternbach]

Wow... Is your room mate pretty and single?

 

Oh, I forgot, I am not...

 

:D

[Michael Sternbach]

But I might in fact know the perfect partner for her, who will enable her to express her desire for caring and tolerance to the full!

 

Especially if she doesn't mind playing video games.

 

Wouldn't that be a win-win-win scenario? The two of them move together, are so happy in luuv, and you'll be happy too, pal, because you get rid of her and she no longer threatens your sovereign independence.

[Nikolai1]

She doesn't sound the 'shrooms, shamans and astral flight type

[Michael Sternbach]

But maybe she is self-sacrificing enough to learn...

 

But seriously, I can visualize the two of them doing yoga together very well. That would be a good start.

Edited May 19, 2015 by Michael Sternbach

[Ish]

-

Edited July 26, 2016 by Ish

[Michael Sternbach]

Seriously, I do think you might have a problem appreciating others' helpfulness and kindness. Perhaps she is reflecting a problem you might have in that area yourself?

 

But alright, if you actually feel your friend sucking your energy out (and that could happen especially if you are not radiating it out freely ), there is some free advice: Do the simple "Psychotronics" exercise, which I personally found helpful during certain stages of my development:

 

Visualize around yourself a sphere made of unbreakable acrylic glass, or an impenetrable glowing energy shield, whatever works best for you. It might be blue or violet, if you like. Keep dwelling on your shield and how it deflects any attempts to invade your personal sphere for about five minutes in the morning and in the evening. Note changes in your energy level.

[Songtsan]

So have you actually sat down with her and talked with her about it? Like, straight to the point? She sounds so accomodating, almost like a submissive, that if you told her exactly what you felt/thought, she would probably naturally adjust to suit you....and save you both the extra energy loss in the process...

[johndoe2012]

Clear your own blockages?

[Nikolai1]

BTW Yasjua, please don't think I'm criticizing you.  I know how difficult people like your flatmate can be: the things about them which cause most trouble to people, they think are their greatest virtues.  But, I can only talk to you, and I think there's much you can do to help here from your side.

[Apech]

You are clearly very irritated by 'C' and she seems to exhibit a set of behaviours which trigger this in you.  There are several possible reasons for this not all of which relate to her at all.  But that is not really the main issue.  Having someone close by you who irritates you is extremely good fortune from a cultivation point of view.  You should be dancing with joy that the universe has set this up for you.  There was a great 10th Century Buddhist teacher called Atisha who when travelling deliberately chose the most useless and annoying monk he could find to accompany him.  You should take this opportunity to learn about yourself and about energy interactions.  There are many methods and techniques for helping with this depending on what type of practice you do.  Study this.  Put it into practice.  Good luck.

[Nikolai1]

Marrying the wrong woman is truly the Yoga of Yogas.

[Songtsan]

You are clearly very irritated by 'C' and she seems to exhibit a set of behaviours which trigger this in you.  There are several possible reasons for this not all of which relate to her at all.  But that is not really the main issue.  Having someone close by you who irritates you is extremely good fortune from a cultivation point of view.  You should be dancing with joy that the universe has set this up for you.  There was a great 10th Century Buddhist teacher called Atisha who when travelling deliberately chose the most useless and annoying monk he could find to accompany him.  You should take this opportunity to learn about yourself and about energy interactions.  There are many methods and techniques for helping with this depending on what type of practice you do.  Study this.  Put it into practice.  Good luck.

 

Hmmm...maybe I should stay with my girlfriend then....seriously....

[Nikolai1]

Hmmm...maybe I should stay with my girlfriend then....seriously....

Darling, I've realised that learning to rise above you will make me a better person...

[Songtsan]

Interesting...can you elaborate?

[Nikolai1]

Actually, there is a serious point in all this.  I often say I practice three yogas: meditation, philosophy and my wife.

 

An intimate relationship can be an incredibly accurate mirror of our own blind spots, failings, weaknesses.  If the relationship is one of co-dependency: i.e. one where your strengths correspond to her weaknesses and vice versa then it is likely, at times, to be highly conflictual because you are both obviously unlike.

 

Learning to take your partners example, and become more like them and at the same time continue to be true to yourself is extremely difficult and challenging.  It is both difficult, and it requires us to reassess everything that we thought made sense about our approach to living.  This person makes us grow into a more rounded person.

 

Actually, some relationships run out of steam when the creative tension of co-dependency is removed by one party becoming whole.  That doesn't matter, the relationship was still a powerful agent of your own growth.

[Songtsan]

wow! That brings me great Insight. I have had inklings of that exact dynamic many times, but felt that maybe I should just move on and try to find peace and free up energy so that I could indulge in my own cultivation....I know that I would exercise more, eat better food, and find more contentment in general on my own. I have at times wished I had the energy to be her superman and fill the void, but I felt often that I was not self-sufficient enough to help both her and myself out. I don't want to derail this thread with this discussion for too long however, unless Yasjua doesn't mind? Otherwise, perhaps, if you are willing of course, we could take this topic up elsewheres?

 

Really, what I thought would be neat, is if I could talk her into getting back onto the board, maybe we discuss our relationship issues here....although that might be too much for her...we have talked about getting couples therapy, but people here seem so much more well rounded, and spiritually intelligent, that I bet it would be neat....maybe we could even have a closed area of the forum where couples could discuss things of a more personal intimate nature, sort of like WWW, with invitees only....you got my gears spinning....not that they aren't always doing so of course

Edited May 19, 2015 by Songtsan

[Songtsan]

interesting....i noticed you were still in here reading, and i edited my post...did the edit magically show up as you were read/writing?

[Nikolai1]

Yes go for it. I've been working on this yoga for ten years so always good to discuss it!

[Songtsan]

OK...I'm feeling fried right now, but I will start a thread somewhere, maybe in Mount Kunlun, titled 'Relationships'....or maybe we need a subforum for discussing relationships...oh wait, is there one for dual cultivation? Ima go look

[Apech]

"Whenever I see ill-natured people,

Or those overwhelmed by heavy misdeeds or suffering,

I will cherish them as something rare,

As though I’d found a priceless treasure."

 

I'm conscious that many people are not Buddhists on here or don't feel a connection to it ... but this is part of a Mind Training Lojong text.

 

For Daoists I would say its about inner/outer qi dynamics.  Your subtle body is strongly geared to like/dislike movements.  That is expansion, warming and movement towards what is liked, contraction, cooling and movement away from what is disliked.  If you allow this to operate without attention then you are simply blown along by the wind (or washed along with the tide if you prefer).  By deliberately reversing this flow ... especially by appreciating what you naturally dislike you can balance the subtle body so that it becomes smooth and stable.  Similarly you can avoid rushing towards what you like (delicious food for instance).  But its important to remain light and open in this process.  Enjoyment is key, enjoyment does not = liking or pleasure.

[Songtsan]

awesome post Apech....I better get out of here before I spontaneously combust...LOL

[bax44]

The whole "leaky energy" thing to me sounds rather pretentious. Of course maybe I'm not advanced enough to feel when my energy is being drained to that extent but if I'm with someone who irritates me the way the op describes, I fail to see how it could be very loving and the simple answer could be it has just run it's course. I know i would hate ro be w someone who goes on a message board and tells everyone im draining them. Maybe not very spiritual answer but could be as easy as that.

[Yasjua]

 

BTW Yasjua, please don't think I'm criticizing you.  I know how difficult people like your flatmate can be: the things about them which cause most trouble to people, they think are their greatest virtues.  But, I can only talk to you, and I think there's much you can do to help here from your side.

 

Oh, not at all, man. Your input and very sophisticated analysis was much appreciated. I wouldn't give merit to senseless criticism, anyway, but you really helped me see the situation from some clearer, broader angles.

 

 

But alright, if you actually feel your friend sucking your energy out (and that could happen especially if you are not radiating it out freely ), there is some free advice: Do the simple "Psychotronics" exercise, which I personally found helpful during certain stages of my development:

 

I know I said that, but gosh, I didn't really mean to make her seem vampiric. Maybe I was just feeling drained - anyway, we had a talk and I just let her know that I felt I was beginning to lose some of my boundaries due to all the new people I was meeting, and that I needed extra clear boundaries at home.

 

I think just letting her know I wasn't going to be available for her in an emotional capacity has helped me focus more on my own tasks and business instead of appeasing her desire to appease. Again, the situation was not that she was draining me, but that my independence and boundaries feel questioned when others don't recognize them. It's like knowing there's no booger on your face, but having someone tell you over and over there's a booger on your face - it just creates a confusion about what's real. In this case, I'm independent, she thinks I'm interdependent, so it's up to me to figure out what's real for me and roll with that. And thank you for the exercise!

 

 

You are clearly very irritated by 'C' and she seems to exhibit a set of behaviours which trigger this in you.  There are several possible reasons for this not all of which relate to her at all.  But that is not really the main issue.  Having someone close by you who irritates you is extremely good fortune from a cultivation point of view.  You should be dancing with joy that the universe has set this up for you.  There was a great 10th Century Buddhist teacher called Atisha who when travelling deliberately chose the most useless and annoying monk he could find to accompany him.  You should take this opportunity to learn about yourself and about energy interactions.  There are many methods and techniques for helping with this depending on what type of practice you do.  Study this.  Put it into practice.  Good luck.

 

 

Agree entirely. Friction has always been a source of growth and inspiration for me. I find that when all the friction in my life disappears I stop growing and it's time to talk to an ex girlfriend.

 

 

 

I know i would hate ro be w someone who goes on a message board and tells everyone im draining them.

Oh for sure. I mean, the issue is really that I'm losing my integrity - I don't know how to keep it together around this particular person. It's not that bitching about someone on an internet forum makes my heart sing or anything. I think the situation is really that I'm meeting many new people (new city, new program) and certain patterns of social appeasement that I thought I was done with are cropping back up. One of those crops is happening at home, where I'd like to be safe from such things, but it's okay. I am being empathic to her need to be empathic - I can either gain perspective on that that makes it okay for me to do that, or I can cultivate the capacity to not be empathic to this particular situation, which again requires expanding my mind and understanding things more clearly. The situation overall is, as mentioned above, a blessing.

Edited May 20, 2015 by Yasjua