Please, I need help

[Arya]

Hi, first time posting here. I really need help. 

 

I was having trouble with porn addiction at the start of this year(but it started earlier as well) and read somewhere that you have to cancel out every sexual thought before it arises. So I was stuck in this addiction very badly. Felt sapped, weak and had nightmarish intrusive thoughts, fantasies like viewing literally everyone sexually or being trapped in tiny dungeon where I couldn't even fit, sit or stand, with no escape or afraid of ghosts, like the girl from ring or grudge... anyways, I ain't having that all now and I'm pretty much not afraid of anything. 

 

But the part about not even a trace of sexual thought I took very seriously. I'm at day 25 or something this time around into abstaining but I went about 70 odd days without any sexual thought before relapsing. That initiated internal orgasms for me. SO I could look at a female and orgasm. If I looked at her behind especially.

 

Okay I'm 26 days into it now and I've stabilized the no sexual thought mind control again, just today. I can feel the center of my brain and I just, I don't know how to describe it - I just 'click' the center of my brain, and all thoughts stop.

 

So my problem is that I CANNOT GAIN WEIGHT. I started eating 3 meals a day but it's still difficult for me to gain weight! I developed this breathing, whole-body breathing, earlier in this period of abstaining which I think helps digest food. I didn't need to go the toilet for the whole day yesterday or today, can't remember. But I smell like poop from that! my brother complains a lot about it. I do these 3 practices - whole-body breathing, mco and abstaining from sexual thought completely.

 

I cannot do mco for a fews days properly now cause there's a blind spot on my back! Like it's coarse and heavy(even pain  which is concentrated at a small point on the right side), and I can't sense energy through there.

 

Whenever I look at a female or there are females around me, I become MUSCULAR for a short while and then become VERY THIN for unexplained reasons. Literally everyone is who sees me is complaining that I'm too thin, need to eat more etc. It's really not good at all. People are concerned.

 

 

Anyways, I need help, WHAT is going on. I was trying to do full lotus and I think I permanently injured me knee, so I can't even sit in meditation to sort this out anymore LOL

Edited June 19, 2015 by Arya

[soaring crane]

Hello arya, and welcome to the forums!

 

Glad you found your way to us, I sincerely hope you'll find the help you're looking for, and fully expect that help is on it's way.

 

Please take the time to read the two posts pinned at the top of this Welcome page and take a look at the forum terms and rules. This covers all you need to know when getting started.

 

For the first week you will be restricted to ten posts per day but after that you can post as much as you like. Also, until you’ve posted fifteen times in the forums, you’ll be a “Junior Bum” with somewhat restricted access and will be allowed only two private messages per day.

 

Good luck in your pursuits and best wishes to you,

 

SC and the TDB team

[wilfred]

heya, welcome from the UK. 'cancel out every sexual thought before it arises' woah now, i think you might be punching a tad above your pay grade there   as far as porn addiction goes, you've no doubt built up excessive lust-attachment energy from all the sexual fantasies. speaking from personal experience, the idea is to not react/feed those thoughts and channel your energy into finding real world relations or skillful transmutation. stopping them arising isn't realistic, it just needs tempering before the underlying issues can be worked through.

 

the digestion stuff sounds like you're concentrating/building up this pent up energy in places where it's effecting health-bodily function, causing blockages etc. i would imagine spleen-liver are problem areas, as well as energy flowing up to the head as this stuff is related to visual stimulation. send me a message if you want to talk, this porn stuff is a real nightmare seeing as it forms conditioning based off our deepest drive. lots of messy energy.

[RiverSnake]

1. Might want to try eating foods that are natural colon cleansers like broccoli, carrots...etc. Natural diuretics like cranberry juice may beneficial. Water fasting can also be beneficial for detoxifying your system and cleansing the digestive tract.

 

2. The "blind spot" on your back sounds like a blockage. You can dissolve this by simply resting your awareness on the blockage. Lightly hold your awareness there until it dissolves...this can take some time.

 

3. Stay away from full lotus. It takes a great deal of stretching in order to be able to get in the posture effectively and injury free. Burmese posture is a good substitute. Becoming the lotus is an excellent book of stretches for this purpose. http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Lotus-Martin-Faulks/dp/1885928181

 

4. Find a skilled TCM whom is also a skilled Internal Arts practitioner....a good TCM doctor is hard to find. If you do find one they will be invaluable to your path.

 

5. My understanding is that internal energetics can sometimes mess with our metabolism. Tai Chi is said to slow it down, Kundalini awakening is said to speed it up. Not much else i can say about this since i am not very knowledgable.  

 

-Best of luck in your path

Edited June 18, 2015 by OldChi

[Apech]

I feel that your practices, especially stopping all sexual thoughts before they arise, are too intense.  Porn addiction seems to be pretty much a universal problem now, presumably because porn is so easily available on the internet.  Everyone has sexual feelings and that is natural but its very difficult to a ) get into a good relationship and b  ) even then reach a high level of harmony within that relationship.  It might even be in reality impossible and just a fantasy aim which has been made up for us.  What is important is your state of health and your happiness.  If you feel trapped by your addiction then too much struggle and especially self disgust is not a good thing.  Just recognise that it is perfectly normal for the body to set up pleasure pain loops which then tend to want to repeat.  With gentle persistence they can be overcome.  But it usually takes time.

 

 You need I think to go back to basics.  Eat good food at regular times, take gentle exercise like walking or running if you prefer.  Do gentle breathing exercises.  Think about the subtle energy body as a sphere around you which becomes distorted by strong emotions, strong likes and dislikes and so on.  the idea is to make this subtle body balanced and stable - so that means no forcing - whole body breathing ok but in a very light and light hearted manner.  Forget the MCO for now I would suggest.  I like the idea of TCM.  Think a little about the rest of your life.  Are there any changes you can make to enhance your happiness.  Reward yourself a little.  Don't get anxious about change but be persistent about willing things to improve.

[Arya]

thanks for the replies all.

 

I am doing metta practice and it heightens the pain. But yesterday I had an argument with my dad who drinks quite a lot and is an angry person. So I said, I don't think you should drink and be angry so much all the time and he started calling me stupid, foolish and so forth. He said, it's fine if I go to hell, I don't care. 

 

So I tried to help him but he called me foolish and that ruined my metta practice I think. I don't feel like I belong in this world. I need to be somewhere else, guys. I don't feel much negative emotion now, except a bit of anger now and then but that is slowly fading now that I have established the 'no thought' mind control! 

 

I don't think I'm breathing much from yesterday. The whole-body breathing has disappeared although my body awareness is still strong. My body is breathing on its own, what the? If I ejaculate I lose complete body awareness and spacial awareness. Like my top, middle and bottom become separated or something. hard to describe. So I'm more prone to intrusive thoughts and fear. All those lower emotions.

 

I'm not quitting the practices I've established, except the whole-body breathing now, cause I can't seem to be able to do it! lol. It was a feeling of heavy air circulating from the stomach and then later intestines, depending on where the food was. Now I just fill a bit tingly all over my body and can't circulate that feeling. I sat in the sun for a long while yesterday in a long time so maybe that is the cause? dunno.

 

ok I will do metta on every breath till the day I die, if I can from now on cause that accelerates healing by a lot. I'm trying to stabilize this visualization , like brilliant white light emanating all around me, up, down, on all  corners which stretches for leagues and hopefully I can make it powerful enough to encompass the whole universe, wherever there are beings! Generate metta on the in-breathe and then send it outward on the out-breathe. You seen the movie Drive with Ryan Gosling? The scene where he goes on to kill Ron Perlman in the end, there's the beautiful white light travelling through beach from some sort of light-post, right? Kinda like that. I was thinking pink light before but pink doesn't feel right. Pink seems more of the erotic love sort of color. 

 

Which forum should I post in to get more help? thanks

Edited June 19, 2015 by Arya