I hate small talk

[arnquist]

I hate small talk. It's okay every now and then, to get a conversation going or to just have some fun. But being surrounded by nonstop small talk all day, or having a conversation with someone who refuses to move away from the comfort zone of small talk to something more worthwhile drives me nuts. Even though I'm not Mormon anymore I still go to church and church activities sometimes. I went to a YSA (young single adult) event this weekend that consisted of workshops, breakfast lunch and dinner, and a dance. The workshops were fine, lots of older people sharing their life's wisdom, even though it was very Mormon, they were sincere and I felt I learned something, or at least got to know the person giving the presentation better. But during the downtime talking to my peers was absolutely frustrating.

 

I found some people who shared my interest in Japan and Anime so we had some good stuff to talk about for a while. I tried to lead it into a conversation about other cultures, or languages, or talking about stereotypes in the genre of anime, or historical influences or the future of the industry or the differences between dialects and how they get dubbed into different dialects from Japanese to English, or the advantages of animation over live action for expressing certain things, or how anime has created an international subculture... they listened to me, but never really had much of a response. All they talked about was how cute something was or how funny something was, or how they couldn't wait to buy the next manga or DVD, or how much fun it was to go to conventions dressed up as certain characters... the anime related small talk was okay, but the non-anime related small talk bored me to tears. I like this, I like that, isn't this funny? isn't that weird? Making absolutely obvious statements, repeating jokes and stories that had nothing to do with anything, just to keep the conversation going.

 

I even tried talking about politics, I figured it would be a topic of interest with Mitt Romney running for president... Some of them didn't even know that. I was floored. How could a Mormon not know that we have a Mormon running for president? Wouldn't news like that spread like wildfire through congregations all over the world? Just goes to show how popular it is to ignore the bigger picture. How popular it is to only talk about pleasant things or things that are entertaining, things that agree with your world view. The whole experience made me sick.

[lockpaw]

Ha ha Arnquist! Get used to it!

 

I've thought about asking people, instead of where they work or whatever, what they feel the meaning of their life is. Wouldn't work, though...

[Sunya]

i know what you mean. its so hard to find people who are able to have meaningful and deep conversations....its so frustrating, but have patience. i'm sure you will find likeminded friends soon.

[Cameron]

Hehe..could just imagine asking a customer..

 

"Hi, how are you today? What do you feel is the correct path towards the true way that has no high or low? No inside or outside? No more or less?"

 

My guess is I would lose that sale

[arnquist]

Hehe..could just imagine asking a customer..

 

"Hi, how are you today? What do you feel is the correct path towards the true way that has no high or low? No inside or outside? No more or less?"

 

My guess is I would lose that sale

lol, yeah, I wouldn't recommend that either. The thing is, this wasn't a formal business encounter, this was at an event where the whole point of it was to get to know each other. I guess I did get to know them... I just didn't like them much, lol.

 

i know what you mean. its so hard to find people who are able to have meaningful and deep conversations....its so frustrating, but have patience. i'm sure you will find likeminded friends soon.

 

I sure hope so.

 

Ha ha Arnquist! Get used to it! biggrin.gif

 

Good advice I suppose.

[doc benway]

I've given up asking people how they are. It's always "Hi, how are you?" then I'm required to say fine and reply, "How are you?" Neither of us generally wants or necessarily feels comfortable to take the time to discuss our physical or mental health, the health of our loved ones... Now when someone asks me "How are you?" I say fine and leave it at that. Some people are really taken aback - it's entertaining.

[Wayfarer64]

around here everyone asks - "Whats up?"...

 

I just point skyward and watch their eyes...

[Taomeow]

I had a friend who was always starved for deep and meaningful human contact, something he had been deprived of in his formative years. He used to ask strangers, three minutes into the conversation, "So, what's your biggest passion in life?" Amazingly enough, most people immediately responded in all seriousness, grateful that someone is actually interested. (The trick is to be genuinely interested, and my friend really wanted to know -- wanted to know people, he studied people the way a small child studies butterflies -- in awe and fascination and towards no goal whatsoever).

 

A more common (alas) scenario: you reveal something deep and personal about yourself, thereby creating an "opening," thereby making yourself vulnerable. The other party happens to be one of those people who simply can't resist. He or she puts the information, thoughts, feelings you offered through a mechanically chewing meat grinder of a mind, and then spits out in your face a deformed, mangled version with some ugly label attached to it, declaring triumphantly: "Aha, now I know! This is who you are!" (Just had this happen to me in another thread, for the umptieth time. God how thrilled I am to meet another one of those meat grinders! so rare and precious! ) Wary of them, I never, ever reveal any of my "biggest passion in life" to anyone. Worst come to worst, I prefer small talk, which, if it's too small to interest me at all, I mentally translate into a language I'm learning, which turns a meaningless exchange of platitudes into a useful practice.

[nightwatchdog]

You think that's boring? Mindfulness meditation practice, aka zazen, aka emptiness, aka vipassana, aka sitting and forgetting.... etc. etc...

 

Now...

 

Where was I?

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah, just watching and letting go of the near constant mental babbling in my head is all the small talk I need or want. In fact I want as little of that as possible... which is the point of the practice.

 

I've noticed that many people who do not do some kind of awareness practice have no idea that most of what we tend to say (and think!) is pretty meaningless chatter designed to make us feel like there's a "me" and an "other" here in the first place.

 

I used to hate small talk, and more importantly small talkers too, but now I have much more sympathy.

 

Gosh, stream of consciousness writing is so boring. I'll stop now.

[Oolong Rabbit]

So how's the weather in your neck of the woods Arnquist?

[Flynn]

I go to private school, I don't think you understand how much meaningless small talk I have to deal with every day. I have a few friends with whom I can actually talk about things that are important to me (one of them is the one who got me interested in Taoism in the first place), but for the most part I just throw out my stock responses/jokes when the occasion for them arises. It doesn't bother me as much now as it did when I first started realizing how pointless it was, but it still can be a bit painful to have a ten-minute conversation about nothing. One of my friends has truly passed the point of dealing with it and actually does ask people those sorts of questions, like "what is the meaning of your life" in regular small-talk conversations (I try to emulate his way of interacting with people, but I usually just feel like I'm trying too hard). Usually, they either ignore the comment or try to turn it into a joke. It is, however, quite comical to see their reactions, it vaguely reminds me of a computer receiving data it is not designed to process. It just serves as a reminder of how different our outlooks on life are, and also leads me to the depressing realization that they will probably never get it. Apparently our society's definition of intelligent has nothing to do with thoughtfulness or maturity, really just grades and SATs and the ability to hold a riveting conversation with the admissions director.

 

 

 

I just reread this post, and I realized that it sounds painfully arrogant. Forgive me, I try not to be, but I don't really have time to rewrite it.

[arnquist]

So how's the weather in your neck of the woods Arnquist?

The temperature shot down about 20 degrees in just a couple days, so I went from shorts, short sleeves, sandals and turning on fans in the house to long sleeves, pants, socks and shoes and a fire in the fireplace.

Apparently our society's definition of intelligent has nothing to do with thoughtfulness or maturity, really just grades and SATs and the ability to hold a riveting conversation with the admissions director.

That sounds about right

He or she puts the information, thoughts, feelings you offered through a mechanically chewing meat grinder of a mind, and then spits out in your face a deformed, mangled version with some ugly label attached to it, declaring triumphantly: "Aha, now I know! This is who you are!"

That's quite a vivid description, sounds painful. I've given out and received labels, but never really thought of it in such a brutal way.

Worst come to worst, I prefer small talk, which, if it's too small to interest me at all, I mentally translate into a language I'm learning, which turns a meaningless exchange of platitudes into a useful practice.

I've done that, I should do it more often...

I used to hate small talk, and more importantly small talkers too, but now I have much more sympathy.

I hope I can cultivate some more sympathy.

[rex]

Small talk is phatic communication. What's important is the fact that there's communication going on and that by engaging in small talk you're acknowledging the existence of others - very good for keeping borderline enemies neutral.

[hagar]

You think that's boring? Mindfulness meditation practice, aka zazen, aka emptiness, aka vipassana, aka sitting and forgetting.... etc. etc...

 

Now...

 

Where was I?

Oh yeah, just watching and letting go of the near constant mental babbling in my head is all the small talk I need or want. In fact I want as little of that as possible... which is the point of the practice.

 

I've noticed that many people who do not do some kind of awareness practice have no idea that most of what we tend to say (and think!) is pretty meaningless chatter designed to make us feel like there's a "me" and an "other" here in the first place.

 

I used to hate small talk, and more importantly small talkers too, but now I have much more sympathy.

 

Gosh, stream of consciousness writing is so boring. I'll stop now.

 

For me small talk is such a relief.

 

Most of the need for "deep" conversation I face in myself, like wanting to feel intimate with someone's innermost experience, share memories, daydream, share ideas etc, etc, are usually a cloak around much unresolved fear of loneliness. Although all the above are worthwhile in itself, the need to be met, heard, seen, is very much a child's needs.

 

Through practice I have to face my loneliness, and that's where I see the need for intimacy as the escape from the lack of intimacy with my self, or no-self, for that matter. Its based on a lack of trust.

 

In reality, we are always intimate, always communicating, always sharing, with or without intent.

 

After a while, keeping things light in conversation is a way of just acknowledging someone's autonomy.

Atleast, keep things light over dinner.

 

h

[affenbrot]

He or she puts the information, thoughts, feelings you offered through a mechanically chewing meat grinder of a mind, and then spits out in your face a deformed, mangled version with some ugly label attached to it, declaring triumphantly: "Aha, now I know! This is who you are!" (Just had this happen to me in another thread, for the umptieth time. God how thrilled I am to meet another one of those meat grinders! so rare and precious! )

 

hey but apart from that don't forget the big silent fan block (inluding me) who simply just loves every post you do!

[Taomeow]

hey but apart from that don't forget the big silent fan block (inluding me) who simply just loves every post you do!

(blush) thank you! Now I feel confident enough to ask you a personal question:

what does affenbrot mean?

[affenbrot]

(blush) thank you! Now I feel confident enough to ask you a personal question:

what does affenbrot mean?

umm, basically in this form nothing at all... 'affe' means monkey, 'brot' means bread.

after this more or less random sticking together of two nouns happened to happen to my avatar i found out that there is some kind of austrian cake or whatever also going by that name...

[Pietro]

Hehe..could just imagine asking a customer..

 

"Hi, how are you today? What do you feel is the correct path towards the true way that has no high or low? No inside or outside? No more or less?"

 

My guess is I would lose that sale

 

 

Sometimes you are brilliant. I so want to do this now.

[Pietro]

I feel very similar.

 

But there are few things I noticed..

A) not everybody is a small talk fan. You can often spot those people just by looking in their eyes, or hearing the depth of their voice. You will probably end up cultivating those relationships up to the point that you seriously consider flying 20 hours just for an evening of chat with a good friend.

 

B)there is a number of ways to break through small talk. You heard some before.

I am right now in Ireland. Here every time I buy something they ask me: "how are you". We don't use to in Italy, so it feels very strange. I normally look at them in the eyes, answer truthfully, and still looking at them, I ask:".. and how are you?". They often ask to thousands of people in one day, and no one ever asks them back. This normally cuts through the first ice, although we just moved from no comunication to small talk.

 

C) some people also answer

"how are you"

"do you really want to know or you are just asking to be nice". Said it right this can get you through the small talk with all those that have an ear, and a mouth connected to the heart.

 

my personal difficulty right now is that although I hate small talk, I tend never to do it, and this makes people unconfortable. I am always felt as being too intense for most people.

 

Also consider that you might be more mature than your years. Although many people never mature, you might consider having conversations with older people. Like you are having right now, here. Just there.

 

Now let's cut the crap:

So how are you supposed to love people if you expect them to be like you want them to be?

[rain]

i've had problems with small talk earlier in life because i've been prone to see stuff in peoples surroundings which i instinctively know is on their minds. like i can detect if a persons consentration is divided between the actual moment and somewhere in the mind where there is a personal issue of concern going on. sometimes caught as pictures and sometimes as what i would call "speedguessing". so i either went quiet or jumped right in.

i was keen on straightening out the frizz, but no more. people love their dramas of course, just as much as they hate them. i for one should know..

these days i small talk and once in a while jump sideways assosiatively, drop a suggestion in the pool of consciousness while smalltalking if i decide it's a compassionate thing to do. what know i. anyway.

figure it's better to smalltalk than to be the grenade.

i can wait for 25 years to "bring up a certain subject"

timing seems to be everything.

[Flynn]

Now let's cut the crap:

So how are you supposed to love people if you expect them to be like you want them to be?

 

Perhaps you love them for the fact that they aren't what you expect them to be, or you just learn to deal with the fact that you can't control other people (well, to a certain extent at least). Love is an emotion that often comes with negative extremes as well as the positive ones, I think that contrast is what makes it seem so wonderful in the first place.

[sean]

Even just a few years ago I could have written this exact topic starter. I grew up absolutely hating small talk. Just could not stand it. It made me physically uncomfortable and tired. So much so that I actually put a lot of contemplation into why. I realized that it was painfully challenging for me to emotionally connect at the level that I yearned for through small talk. And without a tangible felt sense of emotional connection, communication felt draining to me. What struck me as strange about this was that what I really wanted most was emotional connection, but I was insisting on using intellectual conversation as a sort of mandatory gatekeeper to this heart space. Other "less sophisticated" folks around me were laughing and crying and enjoying their hearts out with each other, while I demanded an active philosophical mind before I met another's heart. Strange.

 

So how do you find connection in small talk? Well try to recognize the subtle bids for emotional connection that people make in small talk that often go completely unnoticed. "Nice weather, huh?", is often a tiny tendril originating in the heart attempting to reach out to another person but not quite sure where to begin. Quite often people are a little reticent to reveal too much all at once for fear of rejection. The amazing thing is that nearly everyone I meet I now realize actually has a very rich tapestry of inner emotional depth. And this depth can be connected with in a very satisfying way when I cherish each little morsel they trustingly offer me as I meet them and and give back in return.

 

Not everyone cares so much about sophisticated intellectual development, and even people that do don't always want to wax philosophical. When I am at a party for example, more often than not I just want to laugh and flirt with women and make fun of everything, I can barely relate to someone coming up to me and asking me a serious existential question. So in my experience the intellectual mind as gatekeeper to the heart is actually a huge burden. Look in your own life and I bet you will find plenty of examples where you felt very satisfying emotional connections with little if any intellectual buffer.

 

Two Zen monks were walking down the road.

First monk says: "These pine trees are magnificent."

The second monk slaps him across the face.

First monk: "Why did you do that?"

"I'm a Zen monk dude, I can get away with ALL kinds of weird shit like that."

 

Look for ways to become better at emotionally connecting even if the literal words of the conversation themselves seem mundane to your mind. It's a great relief.

 

/Two cents.

 

Best,

Sean

[Flynn]

My sincerest thanks for that post, it is very helpful.

[turbo]

The solution for small talk that works best for me is to turn it personal as quickly as possible. This can be accomplished by asking an opened ended question like "Whats that like?", "What got you into that?", "How does that make you feel?". The next step I take is to say something supportive and then tell a story along the same lines, like "I want to live I life where I can help people, it really feels so good to know that someone else is in a better place after having interacted with them." I always make sure to pepper my response with plenty of adjectives and emotions to make it more engaging. The more you practice the better you get.

 

Everyone has an amazing story in them, you just have to get it out. Be supportive. Taking this approach has helped my personality in general.

[Leidee]

One person's small talk is the highlight of another person's day.

 

There isn't much to be learned in giving of yourself if you only want to give that which you desire to receive back.

 

Are you trying to have conversations or test whether a person can fit into your "intellectual club"? Tis a quick way to spend many moments alone just wishing for some talk, even small.