tremblay Posted November 2, 2015 Greetings peeps. Hard to really explain my process of getting here except that it has been a looong, long process of losing everything, coming to an emptiness that I can't find an explanation for. I have struggled mightily with letting go of who and what I think/thought I am. I have definitely been on a path of ego devastation as I lose more and more. It has been more painful than rewarding, it seems, and that confuses me. And kind of scares me. I wish I never woke up. But there's no going back to sleep, is there? I first came across Daoism in an intro religion course in college. Of course, I was caught up in the achievement/accomplishment game at that point and didn't stop to delve deeper, but it always stuck with me. And then the sh*t started hitting the fan, and I lost my drive and will, and this process of unraveling began. I turned to New Age woo woo for a while for comfort as it seemed to explain some things I was going through, but always got nudges to look back at Daoism. The more I read about it, the more I recognized the New Age gurus were repeating Daoist concepts, only packaging them differently (and charging a f*ck of a lot for it, to boot). I've been lurking briefly and reading the wisdom here and can say that it feels like home. 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
soaring crane Posted November 2, 2015 Hello tremblay, and welcome to the forums! Your membership is approved and we're happy to have you here :-) I went through a similar process and came to similar conclusions many years ago. The New Agers I met were mostly unaware of the source of their practices and knowledge, and, honestly, were never really interested in being healthy and happy. They revelled in their misery, so to speak, and made their fears into a hobby. Anyway, it doesn't have to be like that, Dao can be very simple. Please take the time to read the two posts pinned at the top of this Welcome page and take a look at the forum terms and rules. This covers all you need to know when getting started. For the first week you will be restricted to ten posts per day but after that you can post as much as you like. Also, until you’ve posted fifteen times in the forums, you’ll be a “Junior Bum” with somewhat restricted access and will be allowed only two private messages per day. Good luck in your pursuits and best wishes to you, SC and the TDB team 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tremblay Posted November 2, 2015 Thanks you soaring crane for the warm welcome. Omg, do I know what you mean about New Age misery. I think they are encouraged to be that way so the "gurus" can keep selling them "solutions." Ugh. Yes, the simplicity of Dao is what makes it ring true for me. We already "have" what we want, we already are what we seek. We just need to recognize we are encouraged to make it complicated (so as to never to "get it right" and be easily manipulated in our confusion), and stop doing that. I can't say I'm fully there yet, but at least I am aware. Stopping and stillness is still a challenge for me. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wilfred Posted November 2, 2015 welcome! and you're right, once the process of 'unravelling' is underway aint nought you can do to stop it, maybe slow it down at best. a lot of the time we have to in order to get anything done it's certainly something to be immensely grateful for, call it karma or whatever. it does feel unreal and like a struggle a lot of the time. all the best with your path and the disentangling. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tremblay Posted November 3, 2015 thank you so much, wilfred. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ell Posted November 3, 2015 Welcome to the party, Tremblay. Your post brought two things to mind which I personally believe are true. 1) "That which is to give light must endure burning." 2) Never forget that all life's "bigger" or "loftier" ideas, religions, even Taoism, aren't exempt from the accomplishment/achievements game themselves. I find that, a lot of times, if people are prone to falling into that trap in the world, they're prone to falling into that trap in whatever "system" or religion they find to escape the world, too. People want to be the best at all things but being themselves. So, let these things guide you to find peace, absorb what is useful as Bruce Lee would say, but don't ever let them frustrate you too much, because what do these silly systems really know anyway? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tremblay Posted November 3, 2015 Thank you, Ell. I do find myself trying to "achieve" peace, enlightenment, etc, but my complete lack of drive and will cures me of that pretty quickly. It feels like there's so little left to let go of, but I feel the precipice, that void, and I panic and step away, flailing for something to "do," to feel in control, I suppose. I'm too far gone and too lacking discipline for dogma of any kind, so no worries there, lol. I am an expert "failure" at everything. There is nothing left to "do" but I resist just simple allowing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stosh Posted November 3, 2015 Thank you, Ell. I do find myself trying to "achieve" peace, enlightenment, etc, but my complete lack of drive and will cures me of that pretty quickly. It feels like there's so little left to let go of, but I feel the precipice, that void, and I panic and step away, flailing for something to "do," to feel in control, I suppose. I'm too far gone and too lacking discipline for dogma of any kind, so no worries there, lol. I am an expert "failure" at everything. There is nothing left to "do" but I resist just simple allowing. Just an opinion ,, but drive and will , stem from feeling an actual reward. Its not a thing one can effectively fake. If there is reward sufficient in letting go- you could. But in the unpleasantness of a panic , there's no sense of reward. Growing up to who we are at any given time,, we've learned some things which are detrimental to our well being. It can be hard to sort out which those things are vs that which is really in our own best interests. For ex: Is this dropping of the 'ego' truly the treat advertised? Maybe you just arent wired for "allowing", and secure what you want by actively pursuing. Then again ,, If you can accept what you really want, as actually being fact,,and allow those things to stand unthreatened,, you may find the self trust to allow the passing of old paradigms which really trouble you. ( if there is anything of that sort) 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tremblay Posted November 4, 2015 Hello Stosh and thank you for your thoughtful comment. I've asked myself that about ego. I'm not sure if it's a complete dropping away or just putting it in its place that's best. I do know I have been swinging wildly from no ego (briefly, to be sure, lol) to ego on roids lately. The ego most certainly causes pain as its wants are ignored or simply denied. Or deprived. whatever the case may be. When it gets what it wants, it grows, and I lose my center. There's no peace for me with a well fed ego. I'm sure balance is the key, no need to go to extremes, and I don't know why the wild fluctuations lately, probably to spotlight the difference for me. I do think we need a little bit of ego/filter to differentiate ourselves. Oneness with the All is great and everything, but sometimes it's our differences/contrast that are most interesting for a reason as well. Also, this whole ego or not to ego, is beyond my control. I used to be very goal goal oriented, go-getter, "intellectual-mental" and i was miserable. I'm much calmer as a sort of drop out from all that. I have to disagree a bit with the reward pleasure/pain aspect of your comment, as a lot of what has been happening to me is not my choosing or by my direction. This is happening to me whether I like it or not. It is not a matter of desire or will or seeking a reward. It took me a long time to even understand that something was indeed afoot, and it was this unraveling. Things are torn away, and things are given. "I" am not doing it, nor can I direct it. I have been shown repeatedly when I try to control it, it is not something I have any input over. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stosh Posted November 4, 2015 I have definitely been on a path of ego devastation as I lose more and more. It has been more painful than rewarding, it seems, and that confuses me. And kind of scares me. I wish I never woke up. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tremblay Posted November 5, 2015 I have definitely been on a path of ego devastation as I lose more and more. It has been more painful than rewarding, it seems, and that confuses me. And kind of scares me. I wish I never woke up. Yeah, that's called a figure of speech. I'm not doing this to get a reward or because I thought it would be rewarding. I'm not doing this consciously. I'm not doing this at all. It's happening to me, and the fact that it's been mostly painful and mostly sucky has been confusing as there is a lot of info out there that tells us how wonderful it is to drop the ego and be One with the All and all that. And that hasn't been my experience at all. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stosh Posted November 5, 2015 (edited) Ok Edited November 5, 2015 by Stosh Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
emeiwudang Posted November 6, 2015 Im by no means an expert at this but i have a similar experience. I moved to a remote area a year ago because life seemed so overwhelming. I quit smoking and quit all drugs (even over the counter things). I isolated myself from girls and bars and any distractions. The result? I cried. I felt anger, i felt allot of guilt and shame for bad things ive done. I felt like i was going crazy. I read a book called the untethered soul which was very simple and helpful. It was so hard because what seems best is not what 99% of people do. Thats why isolation was so helpful. What you are going through sounds like what i experienced. Where your mask falls off and you really see who you are. This is so hard because our whole lives we spend building up our persona to fit in to a crazy world. This is i believe why people are not happy. They never know themselves. Be patient and be grateful for each precious moment. Life can be beautiful or miserable and the only distinction is in your mind. Good luck!!! 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tremblay Posted November 10, 2015 emeiwudang, I looked up The Untethered Soul on Amazon to read reviews about it and in the process was drawn to a recommendation for The Most Direct Means To Eternal Bliss. A free pdf is available online and I'm reading it now. So thank you for the redirect, lol. pdf here if anyone interested: http://www.wearesentience.com/uploads/7/2/9/3/7293936/the-most-rapid-and-direct-means-to-eternal-bliss.pdf I am finding this is just what I needed. My time here at Dao Bums has already been well spent. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dawei Posted November 10, 2015 I am finding this is just what I needed. My time here at Dao Bums has already been well spent. A belated Welcome. Nice to have you join us Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tremblay Posted November 11, 2015 thank you, dawei. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites