Hardcore Metta

[KundaliniLinguini]

How does someone who had a traumatic childhood and very little concept of what love is cultivate metta?

 

How would for example an autistic person who feels like a robot and has no empathy or sympathy cultivate metta?

 

How about someone who even hates themselves?

 

I need some hardcore heart melting pointers.

 

Thanks!

Edited January 16, 2016 by KundaliniLinguini

[Kar3n]

I would suggest concentrating on something/someone you like and what you like about it/them, and then imagining life without it/them. What does it cultivate? Loss or sadness? Why is there a sense of loss or sadness? Or is there any reaction at all?

 

Volunteer work or community service in an area that interests you can be another way. Being of service to others and taking in their positive reactions can be a good motivator as well.

 

It may sound silly, but maybe stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself you are worthy of love and the fulfillment of metta. Before we can exude something to others we first need to be able to feel it for ourselves.

 

Hope this is in some way helpful.

 

 

Much love to you.

[liminal_luke]

This isn´t really my area, but I´m guessing traumatized self-hating people with autistic tendencies create metta the same way everybody else does. It´s easy to imagine our challenges are uniquely difficult, and perhaps they are, but everybody has their own hurdles. If you want to do a formal metta practice I´d suggest simply doing the practice -- don´t worry if you´re getting results or not. The seeds will eventually take root so trust in that.

 

Sharon Salzburg has some good books on metta practice you might check out.

Edited January 16, 2016 by liminal_luke

[wilfred]

do you have any photographs of yourself when you were happy? find the happiest photo you can and see yourself like that, being happy.

 

this is an initial stage in the actual practice of metta, to see yourself being happy, sending love to yourself. for many of us this is not an easy feeling to cultivate and it may be that you need preliminary healing practices, energy reorganizing, before your heart will open up enough. still, it can't hurt

 

and the word 'hardcore' certainly isn't the right approach, it isn't something that can be forced like that.

[thelerner]

The great teacher Ajahn Brahm said you had to practice with things you love first, be it a person or puppy, pizza or favorite show kind of thing.  Send and feel love to something you already like before you start tackling the harder subjects of yourself, others and those you can't stand. 

Here he is in action, don't be put off by the dress, he's a pretty hip kind of guy.

 

 

note* you can turn this into an mp3 for replay with addon's from Firefox.  Ajahn Brahms has dozens of great talks on the net, filled with Buddhists concepts of self love, acceptance and forgiveness.  Its nice to collect them into an mp3 player and take walks listening to them. 

 

This site has many of his dharma talks ready for download - http://www.diydharma.org/search/node/ajahn%20brahm?page=1

 

There are also podcasts like InfiniteSmile that have many lectures that provide insights into being a whole person.  Listening to one or two won't do much, but making a steady diet of listening to wisdom/dharma talks, it slowly sinks in. 

Edited January 17, 2016 by thelerner

[Aetherous]

I like others' suggestions to start with yourself. Here are some ideas derived from notes that I took on this subject...read through from time to time, and see what resonates and causes some change for you (although keep in mind that I'm not an authoritative source for your practice)...

 

Take really good care of yourself in all ways. Be kind to yourself. Be accepting of yourself. Look out for yourself. Remember that you're worth it...you're aspiring toward cultivation for the benefit of all beings by having an interest in metta...that means you're worthy of everything beneficial, because you want to benefit yourself and others. Extending loving-kindness to yourself doesn't increase the ego...the ego has a tendency toward finding flaws, criticizing, blaming, punishing...not loving-kindness. You're a sentient being just like all others, and just like they're all worthy of being liberated from all suffering despite what they've done, worthy of care and tenderness despite whoever they seem to be, so are you. Your basic nature (buddha nature, which all beings have at their core) is pure goodness...remember that...who you are at your core is pure goodness...if it seems otherwise, it's simply obscuration of your true nature, like a cloud obscuring the sky. It will pass. If there is a reason to be happy with yourself, or a time when you were, recall that and simply bask in the joy of who you are for a moment. Focusing on the positive qualities that you have can be a good reminder of how deserving you are of receiving all that is beneficial, and will help in extending metta toward yourself. What gives rise to authentic loving-kindness? It's the natural gratitude that arises for the loving-kindness that others have shown us. Always be grateful toward yourself for the good you've aspired to...the more you focus on gratitude for the good qualities in you, your good ideals and actions, the more the buddha nature shines through.

You can repeat the phrase "may I be happy, and may I possess the causes of happiness", or "may this suffering being be happy, and may he possess the causes of happiness"...or you could also use your name, but there's no problem with saying "I". It's simply a wish for true fulfilling happiness in your life, and not only that, but also that the causes of that are in your life, so that the true fulfilling happiness only increases and continues. The causes of happiness are: to have limitless loving-kindness and compassion, wisdom, and other positive qualities such as the paramitas.

Self-kindness is not self-indulgence or selfishness...kindness toward yourself is actually in opposition to the ways of the false self, which functions through negative emotions. Kindness can't be bad, in general. Selfishness is ONLY when you harm others for your own benefit, so don't worry about caring for yourself first...it's not harmful, but actually beneficial to everyone that you care for yourself. You can also recall that you're starting metta practice with yourself for the sake of being capable of doing it for all beings later...that only improves your practice, because limitless compassion for all beings is powering it...of course that's the opposite of selfishness. Actually, it's very important to keep that altruistic motivation in mind when practicing metta on yourself...bodhicitta is the key, in this case relative bodhicitta.

Don't be forceful in practicing, trying to achieve a certain effect...it's enough to simply say the words...be very gentle with yourself at all times, and fully accepting of who you are and how you are. Your true nature has limitless compassion and loving-kindness, and you don't need to create those, because they're already present and are being called up and manifested with just the words and motivation. Shame and guilt can make us feel undeserving of happiness, and those emotions can seem legitimate and honorable, but in fact they are obscurations to our true nature, which perpetuate the suffering of ourselves and others rather than alleviating it...they are harmful to all, whereas kindness and gentleness to anyone, including ourselves, is a remedy.

[KundaliniLinguini]

Thanks to all of you. I have a lot of anger I need to process. Anger is built on fear, and fear I think is built on belief in lack. Right now I can't imagine why anyone is deserving of loving kindness. The whole world is just shit. I have a long way to go.

Edited January 17, 2016 by KundaliniLinguini

[C T]

Thanks to all of you. I have a lot of anger I need to process. Anger is built on fear, and fear I think is built on belief in lack. Right now I can't imagine why anyone is deserving of loving kindness. The whole world is just shit. I have a long way to go.

Reading your earlier posts i got the impression your heart had turned to stone. Reading this now i realise it hadn't yet, cos there's still feelings there, albeit misdirected. There's hope yet. Dont give up. 

 

Question is now one of willingness, right knowledge, and motivation. 

 

Start with yourself. Most times the practice is about coming to understand why you deserve loving kindness, not so much about others. When you make some inroads into understanding why your true nature is basically already perfect, that gradual shift will reveal a sort of equalising feeling for others as part of that understanding, provided the understanding is clear and free of neurosis. You need not have to focus on others specifically, in other words. Start with yourself. 

 

Negative views and attitudes are great opportunities for awakening. 

 

The wonderful part about this business of kindness is that once awakened, both negative and positive are transcended, and whats left is simple openness in the way we view things, a heart thats soft and yielding like water, and a selfless availability to be innately kind in such a way that even the thought of 'I am being kind' or 'I am such a good person' (thoughts of which could lead to delusional problems due to attachment to a false notion of an inherently existing 'I') will not even arise. One becomes kindness as a natural outflow of right understanding having been established. Of course to get to this there is work to be done.

 

Acknowledging the shittiness of life can be a perfect catalyst. But that acknowledgement has to be utterly complete. It has to be pure and sincere, and not a sort of half-hearted, half-baked view. If it is, change will take much longer to be effected. 

[thelerner]

You know what's a good practice for a opening the heart.  Gardening.  Watching something grow, being responsible for it. 

 

We tend to love, what we sacrifice for.   Planting, protecting, enjoying.. gardening is an active form of metta.  Even buying a single Amaryllis bulb and having it bloom is to see a fabulous living firework in very very slow motion.  

 

In the summer buy some cheap 40# bags of soil (or more $ organic soil), put a slit on the bottom and open them up on top, creates an easy to care for, ready to plant garden, just add seeds or seedlings, plant, water and protect.  Put it on the front lawn so you don't forget it.  By the middle of summer you can grab some tasty grape tomatoes every time you come and go. 

 

 

addon> While this is often given and often ignored, a gratitude journal; just writing down 2 or 3 lines of good things that happen throughout the day can hone your eye towards looking at the good.  Which, when the world sucks, can simply be the good you do for others or yourself.  

 

Similarly its an old fashion kind of thing but counting your blessings is powerful.  Even when things are crappy we can begin with thank you for our eyes, our ears, our mind, this place, this food, grass that is green and sky that is blue..  thank you for creating that bastard down the hall and remember if you want to get rid of him- that's fine with me.. what ever has significance to you.

Edited January 20, 2016 by thelerner

[doc benway]

Thanks to all of you. I have a lot of anger I need to process. Anger is built on fear, and fear I think is built on belief in lack. Right now I can't imagine why anyone is deserving of loving kindness. The whole world is just shit. I have a long way to go.

 

Anger is built on fear.

Fear is built on ignorance. 

The opposite of ignorance is wisdom and in the presence of wisdom, fear dissolves.

 

Your mind is filled with pain and confusion.

This is why you can't imagine anyone deserving love and kindness. 

Love and kindness are a natural and integral part of who and what we are.

It is the pain and confusion that obscure it and they are not capable of finding the answers to your questions.

 

The good news is that love and kindness are always there, just waiting to be uncovered.

And you know that people deserve love and kindness, otherwise you wouldn't be asking these questions and looking for help. You just can't get there from where you are right now.

That will change, the fact that you are here and asking these questions is already beginning the change, but it's very subtle.

 

You cannot force love and kindness. You cannot force your heart to open.

It will happen when the conditions are right. 

One approach is to begin with acceptance or simply allowing things to be as they are.

Allowing and acceptance are very powerful.

 

It is OK to acknowledge that you are not feeling the openness, love, and kindness that you think you should or would like to feel. See how it feels to face that fact. Don't judge it, don't hate yourself for it, don't love yourself for it, just look at it.

When you look at it, don't analyze, don't judge. Don't think about it, just stay with it.

Can you feel it in the body? Is there tension there? Is there a color or smell associated with it?

Do thoughts come up? Whatever it is, just allow it to be as it is and allow yourself to feel it and be with it completely.

Do this in a quiet place where you can be comfortable and undisturbed for a few minutes or more.

 

This is a good first step. Allowing it to be as it is and finding a way to be OK with that.

It doesn't mean you are not going to try to change this but it means that you are going to let go of the accusations, the judgement, the self criticism and self loathing.

Your answers cannot come out of the voice and thoughts of pain.

They need to settle before you can find truth.

Allow yourself to be as you are and find a way to be OK with that, simply let it be.

If you do this for a while and are able to simply rest, being with yourself as you are, then you will notice a loosening, an openness, and eventually there will be warmth associated with that openness. That loosening, that opening is the source. Out of that warmth anything is possible.

 

It's a start.

 

You'd probably benefit a great deal from a good guide or spiritual friend.

If you are as closed down as you suggest, having that sort of support - personal, credible support, can be very valuable.

 

Good luck 

_/\_

Edited January 18, 2016 by steve

[doc benway]

sorry

Edited January 18, 2016 by steve

[Cheshire Cat]

 

How does someone who had a traumatic childhood and very little concept of what love is cultivate metta?

 

[...]

 

Love is an emotion that originates spontaneously in a mind which tends toward benefiting others selflessly.

 

Rely on meditation to get that mind... and the experience of love will come by itself.

 

My point is: don't focus on the emotion.

Transform your mind in a way that it will spontaneously and effortlessly generates the strong, genuine intention to benefit others... and your energetic body will slowly rearrange its structure so that the emotion of love will be produced.

Celibacy helps.

[RigdzinTrinley]

I will send you a p.m.