Reason celibacy and giving up on relationships

[Taoway]

I've brought this up before so I apologize but I'm going to be straight up. A deep rooted reason as to why I just want to take that last step toward a celibate life is because of an average sized male part.

 

It seems as I am young and girls my age are progressively gaining more and more partners. And more importantly preferences :'( that I'm just not genetically suited to give a partner in this genrstion what she feels she needs to be happy.

 

I see on reddit or threads on the importance of this sort of thing and a majority of women really find it to be a determining factor since they are more sexualized then women in the past maybe. Often they all say something like length isn't as important but girth is what really matters... hmm you don't say? Well I'm not gifted in that department so I should just give up on that now shouldn't i?

 

May be a rant or venting post. But really I don't think it's worth it anymore to try and please a partner especially if the majority of them have a preference for something so physical mundane and superficial. Why bother?

 

Do any of you have any insight.. gonna need pretty deep insight. To counter this feeling that has pretty much been with me strongly for the past 2 years. And has been on my mind since hitting puberty.

 

I mean it's no secret that the relevance and supposed importance of size has been pushed on me all through out my life. Commercials. Shows movies. Songs magazine articals. Emails on telling me Itd be in my best interest to buy their pills to make it bigger.

 

I mean I know these sources of information aren't really that intelligent or wise. But as a young man in his 20s.. how the hell am I not supposed to be influenced or depressed by such things?

 

How am I not to believe that almost all women my age are not also influenced by these things.

 

There really seems to be no answer. And luckily I have more desire and reason to be celibate and devote my life to other things then just this insecurity. But this insecurity still has a hold on my life. And it's very difficult. Especially because I beat my self up about even feeling it. Since in reality it's such a silly thing to worry about. Yet everything in society and main stream life... tells me to worry about it!!

[Taoway]

A poster here said something interesting about the relation of sex and love. And said that if a partner gets in an accident and loses the ability to have sex and the partner leaves then that can't be called love right?

 

So let's not fool our selves here. This preoccupation with needing certain physical parts to be up to people's standards really involves a lack of actual love involved in current day relationships.

 

I cringe when I see stories of wives leaving husbands because of their size. Or having affairs at least. Because they crave more excitement. It's really messed up. I would never do that to someone who gave me their trust and love

[Kar3n]

And, there are plenty of young women out there who feel just as inferior as you do. When's the last time you saw a magazine cover that was not photoshopped in such a way that the cover model was not without blemish?

 

When two people have a mutual respect and love for one another none of the superficial things matter.

[Taoway]

And, there are plenty of young women out there who feel just as inferior as you do. When's the last time you saw a magazine cover that was not photoshopped in such a way that the cover model was not without blemish?

 

When two people have a mutual respect and love for one another none of the superficial things matter.

I hope that's the case. But unfortunately I see more of women who feel inferior and then become bitter and judge others and men because of it.

 

But yes if I realize that feeling insecure hurts and know not to inflict this suffering on anyone else. Then there must be some women who also have that ability.

Edited May 28, 2016 by bodhidharma

[liminal_luke]

Bodhidarma,

 

I get that you´re in a lot of pain around current norms around sex, and what you take to be your poor chances of finding the kind of relationship you want.  I hope you get to a better place around these issues soon as this is something that is bothering you a great deal.

 

Please give women the benefit of the doubt.  You have some valid points about society in general, but that doesn´t mean there aren´t a lot of women who are not shallow, who are not superficial, who are not just looking for a quick fling with the guy that has the biggest penis.  There are plenty of women who would like you, love you, just as you are.  I know it.

 

Liminal

Edited May 28, 2016 by liminal_luke

[Taoway]

Thank you liminal.. if anything your compassion proves what you say.

[Aetherous]

You can't generalize about women. For every 4 that will only date a guy for a certain reason, there are 3 others who don't care about that reason. So in that sense, it's a numbers game when trying to find a mate...you have to go through a lot of different women to find the few compatible ones. Just pay attention when she is interested in you...that's an opportunity opening up. Seize it! Don't falter.

[Songtsan]

There are also women who aren't so interested in having regular sex, who have and have always had a limited libido. Some even feel that they are asexual, yet they still might desire a life partner. These types of women won't care about your (perceived) lack. I also suggest that you search within a 'spiritual' community, meditation practitioners, etc. as these types are more often likely to be free of such 'needs.'

[thelerner]

I think its been ever thus, the whole- everybody is having sex but me, feeling.  As far as the size hangup, its probably more a mental problem then physical one.  In truth no knows any ones size; we tend to have sex in the dark, under sheets and a skillful enthusiastic, patient lover trumps an ignorant one.  In my twenties I took a 10 week massage course to learn the proper to pleasurably touch others.  Quite worthwhile.    

 

As I said to another member earlier, you want to go celibate for a while, a year or two, why not.  Leave the dating game alone til you're in a neutral state of mind and/or an opportunity or attraction comes along.  Things change, people will come into your life.  Be open, be friendly, drop the negativity towards woman, they're all individuals like you with good points and hangups, beware generalizations.

 

Twenties is not an easy age for complete celibacy.  Be careful.  Depending on your body type, if you're not in a practice that specifically transforms jing (ie advanced)  be willing to blow off steam if your mind or body gets too heated. 

[Taoway]

I think its been ever thus, the whole- everybody is having sex but me, feeling. As far as the size hangup, its probably more a mental problem then physical one. In truth no knows any ones size; we tend to have sex in the dark, under sheets and a skillful enthusiastic, patient lover trumps an ignorant one. In my twenties I took a 10 week massage course to learn the proper to pleasurably touch others. Quite worthwhile.

 

As I said to another member earlier, you want to go celibate for a while, a year or two, why not. Leave the dating game alone til you're in a neutral state of mind and/or an opportunity or attraction comes along. Things change, people will come into your life. Be open, be friendly, drop the negativity towards woman, they're all individuals like you with good points and hangups, beware generalizations.

 

Twenties is not an easy age for complete celibacy. Be careful. Depending on your body type, if you're not in a practice that specifically transforms jing (ie advanced) be willing to blow off steam if your mind or body gets too heated.

 

I also feel an inferiority in regards to other men like I feel I am in a state of contraction around others in a room. It's taken a while to fully get it off my mind but it's not completely out yet. It still is a feeling that resides in me.

 

My feeling of letting go of sex seemed the only real option to let go of this inferiority complex. So that I don't judge myself off of sexual worth.

 

And I agree if someone came by where attraction was mutual I may give it a go again. But honestly my standards are very high in the sense that I need to really know this women is someone who sees me as a person a movement of expression and thought. And won't target or say something about my insecurity.

[futuredaze]

A lot of long-term relationships are set into motion before sex, even before the woman sees the man's genitals a lot of time.  I think if penis-size was such an issue, it would make girls more wanting to see the male's penis before engaging a relationship with them.  Once someone loves you, those things are not important.  Well, maybe if you had a third testicle or a blue penis or something... that might be a bit... weird.

 

In my opinion, the issue is more with your mind/beliefs than anything physical.  I have felt insecurities about my body (not really the penis though), so I can relate on some level.  These insecurities arose in my mind, however, and not my body.  With enough anxiety, obsession, and focus on the body, even the most beautiful people can find themselves ugly or flawed.  I'm sure you know some people are very good looking but still consider themselves ugly, fat, or physically flawed in some way.  It seems crazy to us that people like this can think they are ugly, but perhaps it is just as crazy to consider ourselves ugly.

Edited May 29, 2016 by futuredaze

[Forwards]

You were straight up and so I will be too. Learn to give girls multiple orgasms and she won't care what size you are. Beyond that is the emotional side of sex. Learn to touch, talk to and make a girl want what you're doing and size will be the last thought on her mind. The mind blowing orgasms won't give room for her to think about it lol

 

I'm very good friends with a girl who has, well... Been around a lot. She dropped a guy with the biggest penis she'd ever been with for a dude of average size that made her feel good about herself. She's now married to him and I've never seen her this happy. Sex isn't all size. If you're looking for one night stands you might stand out for size one way or the other, but if you're interested in women as individuals and not sex objects then it doesn't matter what size you're working with. Learn to be sexy while also caring about women as individuals and you'll be fine man.

 

Besides, sex can be a lot more fun when it's with a person and not a living sex toy.

[liminal_luke]

Some interesting points made in Dan Savage´s sex column (Savage Love) by guest experts on the subject of penis size.

 

"CAP's girlfriend says his penis doesn't penetrate deeply enough," says Dreger. "CAP could try positions that let him get in deeper, or, better yet, he could take the time to figure out where his girlfriend's 'sweet spots' are, because, according to the sexology literature, length matters less than location." That means you need to retool your grind, CAP, not cut up your meat.

 

You also need to stop viewing your dick as somehow fatal to your romantic prospects.

"Dr. Schober did a study of guys who had really small penises," Dreger continues, "small enough to be described as 'micropenises.'" And how do men with dicks so small that doctors feel free to toss around an ego-shattering prefix like "micro" do with the ladies? "This study found that they tend to have 'close and long-lasting relationships' with women," Dreger says. And Dr. Schober says: "They often attribute partner sexual satisfaction... to their need to make extra effort, including nonpenetrating techniques." One of the microdicked men in Dr. Schober's study had a wife and a mistress. "So much for the theory that having a small member won't get you a woman," says Dreger.

[Taoway]

Good points liminal and forwards. I know of the different positions and techniques to make it more satisfactory for the partner. I guess I'm caught up on the socially accepted (by some ) idea that bigger is better automatically. And that a man with a smaller set size is starting out with less then desired.

 

Realistically I am of very normal sized. Probably not at a small range. Yet I still was influenced and affected by the women or men who either boast or brag about how bigger felt much better. Either because of visual appeal or a sense of masculinity or power of which can make a girl be turned on.

 

Now I've also heard women say they are turned off by too big and say no to them because they know them selves well.

Or women who say they aren't impressed by such a thing because they know it takes more to please then just size. And know it's not something they did or accomplished to have that size.

 

So yes it's good for my to reflec that there are women like this out there. But I worry.. how many?

 

What may be the type of signs of a women who judges a man by what's between his ears and not his legs? Because sex aside that is the type that I would have best chemistry with

[Taoway]

It does involve a self esteem problem definitely because it's solely focusing on that one attribute being used for confidence. I have many other atributes/talents knowledge or just basic understanding of self to understand why I should be confident otherwise or why I shouldn't worry in general what others think.

 

Yet it still exists sometimes. Deriving self worth just from that one area. So would you say maybe I am too heavily focused on the sexual identity? Because in general life the size of one's sexual organs hardly ever have use in the grand scheme of life experience.

 

If so how might I navigate out of that?

[C T]

If it was me, i would either volunteer with the local Green party, move to an eco village somewhere, find work in a communal organic farm, or cut off all ties and move to Bali . These would be my options. 

[Forwards]

The kind of girl that won't judge you on size is the girl that you get along with and develop a bond with that will enable you both to find sexual fulfillment. Notice there isn't anything mentioning size there. It isn't a big deal man. If you're going to chasing around with party girls and women who are into porn then you might see some issues. If you're going to be hanging out with and dating normal women then don't expect the size thing to matter.

 

Couple things about size, though! If you treat a girl bad or you end up dating a gal that gets emotionally unbalanced then expect them to attack the size of your penis. This isn't because it is small, it is simply because girls know this is a soft spot for a lot of men. It's basically the same as saying to a girl that she is exactly like her mother.

 

Average sized men have a better chance of being able to do some "stuff" that larger sized men are not even allowed to suggest and have reasonably discussed a lot of the time. Think dirty on this one. I'm not saying it's good or bad, but men who are the captain of a larger than average sized ship are not allowed to dock in every port.

[liminal_luke]

 

 

Yet it still exists sometimes. Deriving self worth just from that one area. So would you say maybe I am too heavily focused on the sexual identity? Because in general life the size of one's sexual organs hardly ever have use in the grand scheme of life experience.

 

If so how might I navigate out of that?

 

The following book was recommended on the website of the late sexologist Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind, for clients dealing with self-esteem issues.  Since this is a problem area for me too, I picked it up and find it useful.

 

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_24?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=compassion+and+self-hate&sprefix=compassion+and+self-hate%2Caps%2C

 

Compassion and Self-Hate: An Alternative to Despair (by Theodore Rubin)

Edited May 29, 2016 by liminal_luke

[Taoway]

If it was me, i would either volunteer with the local Green party, move to an eco village somewhere, find work in a communal organic farm, or cut off all ties and move to Bali . These would be my options.

 

Haha I am saving up money to one day do something like that. Or join a zen temple and then one day open my own temple.

[C T]

Haha I am saving up money to one day do something like that. Or join a zen temple and then one day open my own temple.

You do know right that if you enter into retreat, be it Zen or any other tradition, the stuff we struggle with gets amplified even more? Just a thought that came up. Some (quite a number actually) people who go into retreat do so with mistaken notions and motives. It can be an alluring thought, but actually it can be very demanding, and requires dedication, affinity and a strong bond with a good, authentic teacher. 

 

Anyway, its a noble ambition. Wish you the very best with it. 

[Taoway]

You do know right that if you enter into retreat, be it Zen or any other tradition, the stuff we struggle with gets amplified even more? Just a thought that came up. Some (quite a number actually) people who go into retreat do so with mistaken notions and motives. It can be an alluring thought, but actually it can be very demanding, and requires dedication, affinity and a strong bond with a good, authentic teacher.

 

Anyway, its a noble ambition. Wish you the very best with it.

.

 

Oh yes I'm glad you said that. I used to have an unbalanced desire to want to be in a retreat but am now honest with my self to know I am not ready to do so.

 

My plan is to get out and live a life for some time and become independent. Stable and clear hearted. Then I will be honest with my self again when I am ready

 

And I know zen buddhism would probably intensify my inner struggles more then anything else so I know the importance of settling things before taking that step.

 

Do you have any experience in those sorts of things? What might be some of your goals or dreams? Living in a community of some sort? I'd be interested to know someone else's plans

[C T]

.

 

Oh yes I'm glad you said that. I used to have an unbalanced desire to want to be in a retreat but am now honest with my self to know I am not ready to do so.

 

My plan is to get out and live a life for some time and become independent. Stable and clear hearted. Then I will be honest with my self again when I am ready

 

And I know zen buddhism would probably intensify my inner struggles more then anything else so I know the importance of settling things before taking that step.

 

Do you have any experience in those sorts of things? What might be some of your goals or dreams? Living in a community of some sort? I'd be interested to know someone else's plans

Kudos to you for the level-headedness in assessing your life journey with as much honesty as it deserves. 

That in itself will gain you merit as you meander along the spiritual path. 

 

I have been blessed to have met quite a number of teachers who have inspired me immensely, and have also attended retreats under their guidance, and also spent some part of my journey living and working in Buddhist sanghas/centres. It has been revelational, imparting life and spiritual lessons which i would otherwise have missed. Just thinking back fills me with tremendous inspiration once again and also gratitude, not to mention increased devotion to the triple Gem. 

[redcairo]

Well... "Peer pressure" is when you have the sense that "other people think X" and this sense causes you to modify your own behavior. It doesn't have to be someone insisting you do something; your own perception and behavior change qualifies.

 

Your response to the sense that women or most-women are fixated on a man's size is the textbook case of peer pressure. It probably doesn't help to know that most people are less affected as they get older (depends on the person of course).

 

Men have been openly ogling impossibly perfect and exaggerated women's bodies for eons. It's only recently women's media got pervasive enough to bring some of the worst traits of men's media into the women's arena too (that's equality -- we'll just pick up all the worst traits we can I suppose!). And sure, some women do think of that, and some romance books do, just like happens in the other direction. So what... 

 

Ideally (if for no other than health reasons) you won't be having sex with a woman you don't know somewhat, and if you know her even somewhat, she ought to be into you already before she even gets to your private parts. And by the time she does, you should be keeping her busy with passion in whatever way you and she both like.

 

A really large jewel has some benefit in straight sex for some people -- but a lot of women it actually kind of hurts, and a lot of men are over-sensitive physically as a result of that, and it really sucks for fellatio no pun intended, so give me a normal sized man any day. For that matter, if I had a man who for example were a soldier maimed in combat, if he could even learn to talk to me properly while I touched myself, he could still be in my head and have a deep and sexual relationship with me -- this idea that a man must have any given thing is just so off base. It is so sad that anybody would be inhibited thinking something like that. It's not that being able to do XYZ might not be great, it's just that it's not such a big deal if we can't, because there's a lot of other ways to get to home plate besides the most obvious.

 

Women with flat chests and sagging breasts, women with giant butts and near mustaches, still usually have relationships, get married, and why is that? It's not just that cynical joke about 'lowered expectations' like the SNL skit. It's because eventually, men grow up, and realize that they've been culturally brainwashed into barbie, and that if they are willing to let go of thinking a woman has to be that way, they end up finding someone who makes them think, makes them laugh, makes them want to share his day and thoughts and ideas with her, makes him want to make her allow him in, wants to make her come in his arms, and it really doesn't make a damn bit of difference what her physical attributes are if he feels that way about her.

 

I think some men have a difficulty developing that if they either didn't grow up with many women close to them in good ways, or if they're younger and the physical need for sex is pretty much just hijacking their focus all the time.

 

Sexual attraction is great. But it is spawned by more than one source. The sheer physical element of having a specific attribute that turns someone on is like manual override -- but it's all surface stuff. You can have a lot of sex with a lot of people for physical attraction reasons and still walk away empty inside. But when you really WANT to be with a person, when you are attracted to them, I mean to "them" -- their singularity -- it tends to dramatically change how you feel about the person even physically. You start finding them sexy because you want to be near them, you want to touch them and be touched, you want to affect them, and so on.

 

I think insecurity can cause people to project all of their fears of insufficiency onto some specific thing they can blame -- like it's because they are poor, or because they are losing their hair, or have a small jewel, whatever -- I think it's easy to fall into a sort of trap for doing that, you prevent women ever getting to know you -- and prevent rejection for any other reason -- if you avoid them altogether allegedly because of something you 'think' is going to be an issue with someone, it may well be that you're just cloaking other issues in the 'easy way out.' Like 'well they couldn't possibly like me because I'm from the wrong side of the tracks' or whatever someone has about themselves they are propping all their insecurity behind.

 

If your woman really cares about your size in a negative way, then you have not established a} the kind of solid relationship ideal to have prior to having sex with someone regularly; and possibly, b} you have not developed the skill at sex that would be more ideal. Alternatively of course maybe she is just not mature enough for the kind of relationship we're talking about, that can happen with either gender. But generally if you can bring a woman to climax a couple times, you can pretty much do whatever you like with whatever you've got and she is already happy physically -- the rest is in her head, and it starts and ends with that. If you had a micro issue, it would be the same comment, except that I think toys are really underestimated (usually out of shyness) and if you or your woman wanted more in the way of this activity, go forth and get some.

 

'Passion' is fiendishly attractive to women. Passion for anything: for life; for various interests or hobbies. Passion for her, once you know her well enough that it wouldn't scare her off, is attractive as well. If your insecurity about what you assume she probably thinks about something keeps you from letting your mind and humor and passion flow freely in your life and communications, you're depriving her of a chance to know the real you, and yourself of a chance to be who you are. And that's going to be necessary for a good relationship, regardless of the details.

 

Best,

RC