Jim D. Posted June 14, 2016 Am I in a dark mood, melancholy mood, happy mood, distressed mood, altared mood... I live in a body that I cannot get out of. I walk from the entrance of my home to the sliding glass doors in back and look out...back and forth...back and forth...I/me/they seem to companion with me. In the moment I turn away to return the wayI came, there is an infinitesmal moment of respite from the agony I run from. I sense my legs carrying me in a direction only to be the same. If I stop I am forced to listen to the churning confusion that haunts me in voices that I only hear but do not recognize. My world is defined by my perception of the agony within. I am closed off to everything that is happening out there. My legs are like lead weights. Depression replaced summer. The Spring flowers now withered. I have been in a black out of self consciousness and anxiety. My hands tremble, I tremble with the sensations of cold and hot washing over my body. My heart beats so loudly I cannot sleep. I am terrified the "me" inside the "I" will be discovered. I drift off, but the demon within kicks my guts into awareness. The jackets I wear weigh me down. I am afraid to discard them. I resent those that appear to be free and in control. Unlike them, I am dependent on whomever or whatever. I tremble at what became of me living for the moment. Sarte makes jests of me. I am "puke" to him. He sits there with glazed eyes noting my ever simple moves.Nietzche speaks to me. Where is your "God" now? I am alone walking this Earth in a daze. How absurd my existense. What to do? These are realities of which Philosophies are born out of. How is it that we choose to live by them, own them, identify with? Who am I, really? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Marblehead Posted June 14, 2016 Sounds like you are bored. The monkey mind rules. Oh, No!!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dancinpoet Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) Beautiful writing about bleak inner pain. Shows that even when we are lost in the depths of the forest we can still describe the exquisiteness of the trees. Edited June 15, 2016 by dancinpoet 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
thelerner Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) I'd feel that way in college, much melancholy. I needed to get out of my head, away from philosophy. I turned to the martial arts. You do Iaido, good stuff but it doesn't wear you out like other more active arts. Hard exercise, staff, bokken, hands on contact helped me. Much of the crap in my head was excess energy, working out helped drain it. As did getting away from books and philosophy that had made me to head heavy. maybe something like that could help you. addon> if its full blown depression though, its good to contact a professional. deep depression often can't be thought or wished away. help, even the right drugs can be a godsend. Edited June 15, 2016 by thelerner 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sagebrush Posted June 16, 2016 oh shit! that is intensity. and it feels like me. I took in a few minutes of a beautiful storm yesterday. lulled by the thunder, the downpour, the beauty of the water pooling on the patio and from my second story window looking down to the patterns of the raindrops making circles over and over again in the puddle... I got busy cleaning my room-papers everywhere, dust, avoidance of what I call regular life, bills, MESS. the storm settled down to a light rain....the colors of the trees-leaves-all shades of green were so beautiful-no artist in the world can duplicate the beauty with paint.... one particular tree maybe a species of oak had the coolest bluish green leaves. the wind blew and the sound of the leaves blowing was followed by the sound of the left over rain accumulated on the leaves. I know from my hikes that rain stirs all the ground critters. eventually confirmation is the turtle making its way to a new location. fresh air coming into the window-lulls me then to sleep-a small nap--I wake to see the sun's heat hitting the cool wet room making clouds of misty essence blowing down in my line of sight. I don't WANT TO BE ANYTHING DARK-goddamnit. I don't want to be your lifes misery.. why do things have to be so chaotic. what the hell is real and what is not real. the yellow flowers have dried up--although the stems are still tall and green. new pink ones take the place and there are no energetic synchronicities within me today and no symbolic richness... just simply pink flowers. I do not have a regular day practice. I want to work my way there. I enjoy and have benefits from yoga. I like the restorative yoga. maybe walking and maybe less forum-because it is a real button pusher to my psyche. now-many smart, experienced, intellectual, thoughtful people here--- is the problem only located INSIDE my mind? or is something I am doing or not doing creating PROBLEMS for others??? 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jim D. Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) Don't worry about the Intellectuals. For some, it can be a defense mechanism used to ward intimacy with others. Vulnerability is scary but worth it. It leads to freedom and oneness with yourself...congruent. Work at meaning what you say and saying what you mean. JD Edited June 19, 2016 by Jim D. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
