How to deal with people who won't stop arguing?

[Drifting_Through_Infinity]

My Dad and my stepmom believe that life is all about being right, even if you're wrong. Whatever I say, they get into a complicated argument that is meaningless. They fight me with every word they say. What should I do?

[Brian]

Stop giving them stuff to argue against.

 

How old are you?

[Kar3n]

Realizing that not everyone's truths parallel and that it is acceptable to agree to disagree about our personal truths, is a good starting point.

[SeekerOfHealing]

Giving them herbs for liver.

[Cheshire Cat]

Nemo propheta in patria (Jesus)

 

Your family will give to your ideas the respect that they deserve... only after you get it from the world.

[dawei]

My Dad and my stepmom believe that life is all about being right, even if you're wrong. Whatever I say, they get into a complicated argument that is meaningless. They fight me with every word they say. What should I do?

 

I have a very good friend who is a polar opposite of me in every way... and don't even let us talk politics...  I've seen him go through so many jobs but he is insistent that all these companies are wrong and he is still the right one on all the issues.

 

If he starts a line that I know will lead to pitched battle, I just don't say a word... I ignore the comment...   He has come to see that I don't bait easily into such stuff.   I'm happy to leave him just dying to get out all his emotion and passion on a topic.    Not my issue.

 

I did say he was a very good friend

[thelerner]

My Dad and my stepmom believe that life is all about being right, even if you're wrong. Whatever I say, they get into a complicated argument that is meaningless. They fight me with every word they say. What should I do?

I'm 52 and my Dad can still be like that.  So.. skillful means, often its agreeing with what they say; helped along by a strong conviction of 'it really doesn't matter'.  Other times saying the opposite of what I believe so when he disagrees I'll be secretly smiling. 

[Drifting_Through_Infinity]

Stop giving them stuff to argue against.

 

How old are you?

 

You don't get it, I am not handing them stuff to argue against. They just argue for the sake of arguing. I'm 17

 

Realizing that not everyone's truths parallel and that it is acceptable to agree to disagree about our personal truths, is a good starting point.

These are not personal truths. They are not even truths!! They are nothing!! They argue about which shovel I used!!

 

Giving them herbs for liver.

Best response sofar. 

 

I have a very good friend who is a polar opposite of me in every way... and don't even let us talk politics...  I've seen him go through so many jobs but he is insistent that all these companies are wrong and he is still the right one on all the issues.

 

If he starts a line that I know will lead to pitched battle, I just don't say a word... I ignore the comment...   He has come to see that I don't bait easily into such stuff.   I'm happy to leave him just dying to get out all his emotion and passion on a topic.    Not my issue.

 

I did say he was a very good friend

No, actually, this guy wins. I just need to censor my speech. 

Not sure if that will work though. Ima try it tomorrow.

[Orion]

It's easy to tell him to stop feeding them with material but if you live with people it's a lot harder to avoid their crap. It makes it unsafe to even open your mouth and that makes it stressful to even live there. Sometimes people are cruel and go out of their way to be antagonistic no matter what you do.

[Brian]

You don't get it, I am not handing them stuff to argue against. They just argue for the sake of arguing. I'm 17

 

These are not personal truths. They are not even truths!! They are nothing!! They argue about which shovel I used!!

 

Best response sofar.

 

No, actually, this guy wins. I just need to censor my speech.

Not sure if that will work though. Ima try it tomorrow.

So, like I said, stop giving them opportunities. Make one or both of them tell you which shovel to use, for instance. Put yourself in control but be gentle because they can't help who they've become. Then start making plans for getting away from them -- they are toxic to you and to each other. (That's why i asked how old you are...)

[SeekerOfHealing]

Or to be more precise buy the book "Use Traditional Chinese Medicine to Manage Emotional Health" by Zhang Yifang - she is great and popular doctor which great skills. They are acting like that because factors outside/inside produce that results and can be changed with proper/diet herbs or other balancing things - most regular people wont meditate, so do foods for them or give them herbs and it will be fine. It's not that they are be not capable of anger or something like that but they would not be compulsive in that case like it's something regular and normal.

[awaken]

Just walk away.

 

Do what you really want to do.

[thelerner]

SeekerOfHealing, on 10 Dec 2016 - 12:21 PM, said:

Giving them herbs for liver.

DriftingThroughInfinity: Best response sofar. 

 

 

 

Just so we're on the same page..

I believe SeekerofHealing was talking about herbs that help the liver.. 

[Drifting_Through_Infinity]

Just walk away.

 

Do what you really want to do.

 

I tried walking away, they won't even let me walk away without their permission. 

[Brian]

I tried walking away, they won't even let me walk away without their permission.

That's why I asked how old you are. Are you preparing now for that day? Bide your time, practice patience, learn from this experience, and make plans for a journey of your own.

 

EDIT: Changed "for" to "from." (Stupid smartphone...)

Edited December 11, 2016 by Brian

[liminal_luke]

I`m 51 and a therapist just told me last week that I need to forgive my dad.  You`re 17 and right in the center of a family war zone -- forgiveness probably isn`t at the top of your to-do list.  Still, if you can get started now you`ll have a terrific head start in life.  Gentle acceptance of the foibles of ourselves and other people goes a long way.

[SeekerOfHealing]

Zhang Huang, A Compendium of Illustrated Texts (Tushu Bian), Ming Dynasty:

 

The liver is associated with wood. It stores the blood and is the home of the hun spirits. Among the seven human emotions, only anger is of an intense nature. It dries up the blood and dissipates the hun spirits. The person who understands the way of nourishing the liver, therefore, never throws fits of anger.

[silent thunder]

Next time they begin this tantrum process, if it's not possible to leave, try this... go the other way with it, as up and crazy and screechy as they get, you go the opposite, become a stone and let all their ranting bounce off your calm, poised center, even if you don't feel it, let your muscles relax... your bones hold you up anyway and relax your face to neutral.  I find focusing on the sensations on the bottoms of my feet while I breath to be a good method for me to disengage from external energies.

 

Pythagorus supposedly said.  "Remain silent, or say something better than silence."  There is so much power in this simple sentence for me.  I used to really engage and try to steer people to solutions in arguments, but after decades of that, I realized, they are not interested in that when in the midst of a rage.  They want reaction and more targets to rage against.

 

I listen and remain silent, allowing people run themselves out when they get into tantrum land, I don't engage or try to dominate with greater force.  I go soft and silent, or respond with the simplest, calm truth as I see it in that moment.

 

When you respond in words, don't challenge, or engage, just state your truth and let that be a stone as well.  Let their energy of excess, reinforce the core of your calm.  The weight of your truth will hold itself, so state it plainly and let it be, you don't have to sell things of value, you only have to sell bullshit.  That's what they're doing... they're attempting to get you to buy into their energy by trying to provoke.

 

In the height of the bullshit, just picture a stone in your mind, imagine you are this massive stone in the flow of their river current of yelling and bullying and let their ranting bounce off you the way water bounces off stones, it will roll around you and even over you, but not into, or through you.  Their ranting and bullying is theirs, it's not yours and it's not you.  You are in their world for now, and for now you may even be stranded there, but you are not made of their world.  It works, they will sense it and feel it and it will undercut their blowing, emotional words.  In this case, you will become their liver herbs in a living manner.

 

You are you, even in the midst of their storms, you don't have to agree to their storms and their energy will never be yours, unless you accept it and agree to it and adopt it yourself.  Which you never have to do.  When they experience that you will not agree, nor engage in their story, it will dwindle under its own weight.  Then usually you will have to deal with their attempts to assign the blame for the shame they feel.  Again, just let this second wave of bs bounce off and around...

 

I work in the film industry, and folks in that environment love to whirl into storms of uber drama.  When folks freak out, I remain very still and silent until they run out of steam... which they always do... then I ask very dead pan "feel better?  now in order to solve this I thought we could.....", or if I'm being a shit, I will raise one eyebrow, give them my best Spock impression "fascinating." 

 

In the end, if you refuse to rise to the bait and engage in their storm, they will eventually be left standing there alone, in all their exasperation and as the energy dwindles, they will realize this and the balance will shift and the moment will pass.

 

Be the rock and allow all attempts to draw you into the debate to flow around you.  Give them nothing to grapple against and they will tire themselves out and move on. 

 

We never have to embrace another's energy, or join in on it. 

 

best of luck mate... as shit as this situation is, you are gaining some potent insights into the immature nature of many 'adults' in our culture.  You are ahead of the game.

[Trunk]

By the time you're 17 you've had enough of your parents for a while and they've had enough of you. I think it's unavoidable, unsolvable (while you're still living with them), and happens with everyone. Solution: Work towards moving out, in the mean time see if you can spend more time away from your folks, with friends or working on projects or whatnot.

[liminal_luke]

Wow Silent Thunder...that first post was golden. 

Edited December 11, 2016 by liminal_luke

[blackstar212]

http://www.taoism.net/living/2007/200702.htm

[Drifting_Through_Infinity]

Next time they begin this tantrum process, if it's not possible to leave, try this... go the other way with it, as up and crazy and screechy as they get, you go the opposite, become a stone and let all their ranting bounce off your calm, poised center, even if you don't feel it, let your muscles relax... your bones hold you up anyway and relax your face to neutral.  I find focusing on the sensations on the bottoms of my feet while I breath to be a good method for me to disengage from external energies.

 

Pythagorus supposedly said.  "Remain silent, or say something better than silence."  There is so much power in this simple sentence for me.  I used to really engage and try to steer people to solutions in arguments, but after decades of that, I realized, they are not interested in that when in the midst of a rage.  They want reaction and more targets to rage against.

 

I listen and remain silent, allowing people run themselves out when they get into tantrum land, I don't engage or try to dominate with greater force.  I go soft and silent, or respond with the simplest, calm truth as I see it in that moment.

 

When you respond in words, don't challenge, or engage, just state your truth and let that be a stone as well.  Let their energy of excess, reinforce the core of your calm.  The weight of your truth will hold itself, so state it plainly and let it be, you don't have to sell things of value, you only have to sell bullshit.  That's what they're doing... they're attempting to get you to buy into their energy by trying to provoke.

 

In the height of the bullshit, just picture a stone in your mind, imagine you are this massive stone in the flow of their river current of yelling and bullying and let their ranting bounce off you the way water bounces off stones, it will roll around you and even over you, but not into, or through you.  Their ranting and bullying is theirs, it's not yours and it's not you.  You are in their world for now, and for now you may even be stranded there, but you are not made of their world.  It works, they will sense it and feel it and it will undercut their blowing, emotional words.  In this case, you will become their liver herbs in a living manner.

 

You are you, even in the midst of their storms, you don't have to agree to their storms and their energy will never be yours, unless you accept it and agree to it and adopt it yourself.  Which you never have to do.  When they experience that you will not agree, nor engage in their story, it will dwindle under its own weight.  Then usually you will have to deal with their attempts to assign the blame for the shame they feel.  Again, just let this second wave of bs bounce off and around...

 

I work in the film industry, and folks in that environment love to whirl into storms of uber drama.  When folks freak out, I remain very still and silent until they run out of steam... which they always do... then I ask very dead pan "feel better?  now in order to solve this I thought we could.....", or if I'm being a shit, I will raise one eyebrow, give them my best Spock impression "fascinating." 

 

In the end, if you refuse to rise to the bait and engage in their storm, they will eventually be left standing there alone, in all their exasperation and as the energy dwindles, they will realize this and the balance will shift and the moment will pass.

 

Be the rock and allow all attempts to draw you into the debate to flow around you.  Give them nothing to grapple against and they will tire themselves out and move on. 

 

We never have to embrace another's energy, or join in on it. 

 

best of luck mate... as shit as this situation is, you are gaining some potent insights into the immature nature of many 'adults' in our culture.  You are ahead of the game.

 

wow thanks

[Nungali]

My Dad and my stepmom believe that life is all about being right, even if you're wrong. Whatever I say, they get into a complicated argument that is meaningless. They fight me with every word they say. What should I do?

 

Ummmmmmmm      ..... leave home ?   Get your own place  ? 

[Nungali]

It's easy to tell him to stop feeding them with material but if you live with people it's a lot harder to avoid their crap. It makes it unsafe to even open your mouth and that makes it stressful to even live there. Sometimes people are cruel and go out of their way to be antagonistic no matter what you do.

 

 

But these aren't 'people'  !  These are parents !  

 

 

By the way ... what job were you doing and what type of shovel was it.   You could then  ask us advice on whether it was the right shovel or not , and then go back and show them the collated results and TELL THEM which one was right ....  and then run

Edited December 11, 2016 by Nungali

[Brian]

But these aren't 'people' ! These are parents !

 

 

By the way ... what job were you doing and what type of shovel was it. You could then ask us advice on whether it was the right shovel or not , and then go back and show them the collated results and TELL THEM which one was right .... and then run

Troublemaker.