tao and relationships

[Gyon]

This will be a very personal post for me so please be constructive in your respond

I would be very interested to see how one can maintain a relationship while focusing on meditation.

I have had great results from meditating every day. I am living in the now. I don’t stress, I let things just happen, and everything around me is harmonious. I am happy person no matter how cloudy the day is. I understand things are at times down , then up and I let myself be carried by it without touching the core of me. The only area I haven't felt any improvement is my personal relationships.  At work I am respected and treated well. I have "friends" I can catch up with every now and then. I am married but my relationship broke down and we are just two adult live together for kids, nothing more. But also I have found that meditation has changed me and I see/feel/believe things others around me don’t. I feel I am different from other humans (honestly sometimes I feel total alien). Therefore I find it difficult to form any close bond with anyone.  At times the human side of me wishes a hug or some understanding but this just doesn’t seem to happen. Generally I am OK with being lonely as I know it will be as it will be, no force will help it.  I wonder if this is the case with others practicing internal alchemy or I am really just a weird one ? Do you/Did you change as you got deeper into practice and did it have any impact on your personal relationship?

[Marblehead]

Well, first I will state that you are not "a wierd one".

 

And let me state that you are ahead of many as you recognize your reality whereas most don't.

 

Yes, a hug now and then helps a lot.  That is very important for most women and rather important for men as well although many don't realize this.

 

Remaining together for the benefit of the children is commendable.  Many don't consider the children because their ego is too strong.

 

 

Change should be natural, not forced.  What you and your "significant other" do to satisfy your (I will call them spiritual) needs should remain very personal in order to avoid conflict in the family.

 

I won't make any suggestions but I think it is important the both you and your significant other should feel that you have a complete life.  It would be sad to live one's entire life and near the end feel that one has not acheived their full potential.

 

 

(Maybe on occasion you could hug your significant other?  We never will know what might happen if we never try.)

[cold]

I second the thought you aren't weird, but rather unique in your own way... as we all are.

Be the hugger rather than wait to be hugged.

Like Marblehead suggests start with your kids or spouse hug and hold them...

Best wishes to you.

[Gyon]

Well, first I will state that you are not "a wierd one".

 

And let me state that you are ahead of many as you recognize your reality whereas most don't.

 

Yes, a hug now and then helps a lot.  That is very important for most women and rather important for men as well although many don't realize this.

 

Remaining together for the benefit of the children is commendable.  Many don't consider the children because their ego is too strong.

 

 

Change should be natural, not forced.  What you and your "significant other" do to satisfy your (I will call them spiritual) needs should remain very personal in order to avoid conflict in the family.

 

I won't make any suggestions but I think it is important the both you and your significant other should feel that you have a complete life.  It would be sad to live one's entire life and near the end feel that one has not acheived their full potential.

 

 

(Maybe on occasion you could hug your significant other?  We never will know what might happen if we never try.)

I thank you for your kind words. I believe this situation will change naturally when time is right and I have accepted that when kids grow up I will seek my own path. I know hugging him will not change as to how i feel about him ( which is like a young brother, though he is older lol). Maybe meditation has caused me not to feel "love". of course I love my children, but for the rest of people around me I am just good with. is it normal to feel so..blank? detached?

[Marblehead]

Maybe meditation has caused me not to feel "love". of course I love my children, but for the rest of people around me I am just good with. is it normal to feel so..blank? detached?

This is interesting.  I have spoken to the concept before but only in generalized terms.  Beyond good and evil.  Beyond love and hate.

 

It's really not a bad condition (state) to be in, I would think. 

 

(I want to say more but I must stop.)

[blue eyed snake]

welcome here,

 

you might like this thread, for women only 

 

http://www.thedaobums.com/topic/40908-list-of-feminine-cultivation-resources/

 

 

--------- edit

 

oh, i wanted to post this in your starting post, but it can remain here.

 

concerning your question here, no, you're not weird.

 

and maybe, after some time you will find things in your heart change again and you'll find people, whether women or men that you can have a close relationship with. 

 

this path takes time

 

BES

Edited March 27, 2017 by blue eyed snake

[mvingon]

Too bad that thread is for women only. I bet some... Or a lot...Of men feel that way.

 

Please let me know, when you feel an answer. Ultimately, my marriage dissolved. Fine. It was a sham, anyway. But yes, a hug would be nice. I can get sex from a multitude of people, but I don't want just a physical release. I can do that for myself. And anyway, I guess I want too much. It would be nice if the emotional/spiritual connection was more than fleeting.

[liminal_luke]

My experience is that spiritual practice improves my relationships.  When I`m practicing consistently I`m more relaxed, less stressed, easier to be around.   Also, I`m more willing to overlook other people`s foibles. Acceptance is powerful and good, but so is getting up and making change happen.  If you feel lonely, you have the power to change that.  You have the power to reach out to others, to deepen your relationship with existing friends and make new ones, to rekindle a spark of connection with your significant other.  Your opening post is a wonderful reaching out to the community here.  Virtual relationships can never take the place of face-to-face ones, but connection is connection and I applaud you for your openness here at Taobums.  

 

In your meditation practice you`ll no doubt learn all sorts of things about yourself.  You`ll develop all sorts of wonderful qualities -- compassion, wisdom, equanimity.  You can then take that awareness and those refined spiritual qualities and share them with the people in your life.  The world needs the person you are becoming, so please don`t without yourself from the world.

 

LL

Edited March 31, 2017 by liminal_luke

[Daryl Forsythe]

Hello Gyon,

I urge you to maintain your meditation practice. In fact, you have inspired me to (finally) resume my earlier dedication to the practice.

Further, if I am honest then I am one to state I have no useful advice. Well, I am honest, and I have no useful advice

BUT

I do have experience. Just enough to honestly tell you that when I made that part of me a priority, every other part of me got better.

What are the parts of you?

Sorry, I know that's personal...

Good luck, friend. Life happens but in the end everything works out alright. If not, then it's not over yet.

[mvingon]

Please don't be sorry, anyone in this thread. <3

[Marblehead]

Okay.

[Gyon]

I do know quite understand about the "parts" Daryl. can you please expand? thank you

Edited March 31, 2017 by Gyon

[Gyon]

I have read and re read all comments 3 times hoping to gain some wisdom out of it, and some feedback opened my eyes.. Certainly there is some food for thoughts

I really like the phase " if you feel lonely , you have power to change it". maybe I have been going on about it the wrong way! Change we can make is within. Maybe I am not so lonely but make myself so for some reasons ? Maybe what I am looking for externally isn't out there but within. Maybe being in state of "beyond love or hate" is better than feeling the emotional rollercoaster I used to have. Maybe the block is with me instead of them.

Lots of questions in my head. questions tao may answer in time.

 I still do hope to be able to feel and be in love one day.

[Mig]

I have read and re read all comments 3 times hoping to gain some wisdom out of it, and some feedback opened my eyes.. Certainly there is some food for thoughts

I really like the phase " if you feel lonely , you have power to change it". maybe I have been going on about it the wrong way! Change we can make is within. Maybe I am not so lonely but make myself so for some reasons ? Maybe what I am looking for externally isn't out there but within. Maybe being in state of "beyond love or hate" is better than feeling the emotional rollercoaster I used to have. Maybe the block is with me instead of them.

Lots of questions in my head. questions tao may answer in time.

 I still do hope to be able to feel and be in love one day.

I don't think you have gone the wrong way, maybe you missed the exit to your right way or missed the bus to your destination. Also, you are not lonely, if not ask a Daoist hermit what it is to be lonely. In today's world or city, we are not alone, we are surrounded by people. Love yourself, hug yourself and care about yourself, my friend.

[Wu Ming Jen]

Once you know in meditation where the lonesomeness is coming from inside of you then you can correct it.

 

In meditation you will find we have a relationship with all things maintaining balance and harmony, creating  good relationships as our own character and true self emerges your path will light up with out doubt.

 

Feeling is beyond conscious mind alone so listen to the wordless tune and answers appear.

 

The work of removing all separation is only in our mind We are not separate from anything, we are complete and one with all things.

[JCB]

Maybe add a loving kindness/metta bhavana meditation to bring back feelings of connection and empathy.

 

https://thebuddhistcentre.com/text/loving-kindness-meditation

[dawei]

 

This will be a very personal post for me so please be constructive in your respond

I would be very interested to see how one can maintain a relationship while focusing on meditation.

 

 Do you/Did you change as you got deeper into practice and did it have any impact on your personal relationship?

 

 

Interesting personal post.  Thanks for sharing. 

 

I don't meditate.  I do other things.

 

There is a vast variation in the impact of our practices on our personal relationships.  I think this is a profound point.

 

It will ultimately depend on the framework unfolding within you realize you are flowing within.

 

As a general piece of advice:  No practice is higher than family/relationships.   If you put as much effort in family as you do in meditation, you will find a lot more outcome in family because family is a meditation.   

 

If you find a state beyond that, then you will find you don't need to ask or justify or explain it... except others won't understand what you do understand.

 

But you should be able to answer their question of why this has occurred and what it all means. 

 

I think what happens is some feel a departure, a separation or release from existence.   The fact is, we are still 'here'.  We just realize that 'here' doesn't really mean anything substantial except within the framework of our existing 'here'.   

 

We live in a world of labels.   Beyond labels is yet another world....  but our mind will remind us we are 'here'.