Parenting

[cold]

And it bears repeating don't relax.

 

thelerner:

"With the last child, when the other two left for college we relaxed, and I regret it."

[CloudHands]

We often make our most significant discoveries by examining our mistakes.

 

My son is 23 now and I would like to think I would do some things differently if I had the chance to do it over again. Neither he nor my wife participate in the forum, though, so I don't think I will discuss my family in public.

 

My own childhood was not a model anyone should follow.

 

I was obviously not hoping for that answer. I respect both your reserve and honesty.

[Mig]

Children learn what their parents model rather than what their parents teach. The adage "do as I say, not as I do" is a recipe for heartache.

 

A child's first and most persistent understanding should be love. Show them. Always.

 

Be consistent.

 

Show them that you want them to try.

 

Show them that happiness is independent of things.

 

Show them that it is OK to be sad sometimes.

 

Show them how to be a good winner and how to be a good loser.

 

Show them that you value traits like compassion and initiative and inquisitiveness and generosity (among others).

 

Show them how to work.

 

Show them that you love learning for its own sake.

 

Show them that you respect others.

 

Show them that you appreciate the mysterious.

 

Show them how to be kind.

 

Show them.

And with that recipe, what's the result? A different kid? A better kid? Showing is easy or telling them. Kids, I noticed, will do unless they are motivated then they will follow otherwise they don't want to hear, don't want to listen.

[Brian]

I was obviously not hoping for that answer. I respect both your reserve and honesty.

I'll give you an anecdote.

 

Son was perhaps six? I think it was the second day of school.

 

We get a note that we need to meet with the teacher about his behavior. Seems that he was sitting there, methodically breaking all of his brand-new crayons in two.

 

Snap. Snap. Snap.

 

Turns out the poor little kid from the public housing project sitting next to him had no crayons because his mother couldn't afford them. My son was planning to share and wanted David to have one of every color.

 

The teacher cried.

 

She wasn't the only one.

 

Before class started the next morning, I dropped off fifty new boxes of crayons for his teacher​ to share with other classes as needed.

 

Over the next couple years, we provided lots of ancillary supplies -- boxes of Kleenex, safety scissors (both right- and left-handed), hand sanitizers, bottles ​of paste & glue, etc.

[cold]

Bravo Brian and hats off!

I fought back a tear or two.

[Brian]

Bravo Brian and hats off!

I fought back a tear or two.

I think he's a pretty good kid who's grown into a pretty good young man.

[gendao]

We often make our most significant discoveries by examining our mistakes.

 

My son is 23 now and I would like to think I would do some things differently if I had the chance to do it over again. Neither he nor my wife participate in the forum, though, so I don't think I will discuss my family in public.

 

My own childhood was not a model anyone should follow.

Wait, you're saying that you did all those things...but still wish you had done some things differently?

 

Or that you had done things differently, but wish you had did those things?

Edited April 23, 2017 by gendao

[Brian]

Wait, you're saying that you did all those things...but still wish you had done some things differently?

 

Or that you had done things differently, but wish you had did those things?

Tried to do most of those things but there would be room for improvement with them as well.

 

EDIT: There are more suggestions I would add to the list, too -- such as, try to protect your children from serious harm but don't shelter them from very little pain or embarrassment or disappointment.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Brian

[MooNiNite]

It helps in parenting to not destroy or diminish children.

 

- VonKrankenhaus

 

circumcision is always a bad idea?

[cold]

I'm only speaking for myself but if I knew then what I know now, well hindsight is 20,20.

Bottom line yes I would probably want to more than a few things differently, but my past has guided / created my now.

So?

[vonkrankenhaus]

Re:

-----

"circumcision is always a bad idea?"

-----

 

Not necessarily either a "bad" or a "good" idea.

 

But it was taken up after thousands of years experience in animal husbandry and slave management to have specific effects on human development that are not part of any modern debate about circumcision.

 

So, in basic, most people are having this done to children but have no idea why or what it really does.

 

They have the fluffy, fact-less, illogical explanations told to them in media and by professionals, and they believe that stuff.

 

Results of this cannot be "undone".

 

For more information, one easy to find source is Carlo Suares in the book "The Cipher of Genesis".

 

 

 

- VonKrankenhaus

[silent thunder]

My son as a toddler taught me this potent truth... that the only thing of real value that I possessed for him, the only thing he really craved and wanted from me, was my complete authentic presence and attention.   His childlike wisdom kept pointing to that which had real value.  Connection.  Distracted and inauthentic presence would not suffice.  Pointing him in a direction to get his attention fixed on something would work only for a few moments... Authentic, presence and connection were real... all else may be interesting, but was like shadows.

Time and again he taught me, until one moment it really saturated me, that the toys, stories and passtimes were all straw dogs for him... interesting in the moment, useful for the passtimes, but instantly discarded without a second thought, and with no emotion at all when their usefulness had passed.

What has real value for my son, what he really sought when coaxing me away from my books or meditations into playing was not the stories, or the toys, but rather my authentic presence and our connection.  When I would distract him and move back to my work, he would quickly tire of the toys and find another way to coax me back... to bring my presence and attention back.

I've found, I can apply this to all other relationships in my life to unbelievably beneficial effect.