Parenting

[CloudHands]

I'd to hear your experiences as parents. The tips, tricks and experiences you'd like to share.

 

I'll offer some of mines but it's too late for me to start now! 

 

 

 

[thelerner]

Mine are 20, 19, 17 so a little late for me too but here's what I got.

 

First do your best knowing, we all begin as noobes, feeling our way through a very complex situation with little sleep and much aggravation.   Be gracious to yourself, knowing you'll make mistakes and sometimes kids cry for no particular reason.. or because we've screwed but its inevitable.  (my child #2 had colic, 2 years crying..eating..crying..sleeping..crying- now smart happy adjusted young woman).

 

The best gift for a toddler is a puppet.  Few things bring out the smiles, hugs and play as well as a good puppet.  We loved Sally the Snail, and Eek the Dolphin.  Best interactive play toys ever. 

 

If you record everything, how much they eat, when how much poop, sleep patterns, it can give you a sense of control.  We kept amazingly indepth records for our first.   Didn't for the next, other then 'Let it live, Don't kill it, Your Turn' but it did seem to let us anticipate the first kids actions.

 

We let our kids get dirty, play in the mud, climb trees.  It seemed to make'em happy and its possible such dirt makes for better immune systems.  Loved to Bjorn (papoose) the first kid, the others didn't take to it, but for many kids such snugness next to mom or dad and the natural movement and being outside is great.  

 

Having 3 kids very close together, meant we'd generally give 3 treats to one of them.  They'd generally choose to share with others which led to a closer relations.  Though there was always the odd 'I've got 3' then sprinting away. 

 

When older a tough but smart thing to do was limit electronics.  None (TV, computer, tablets)  Monday through Thursday, except as needed for homework.  It took a few weeks of pain to get it through there heads, but it was worth it.  Ending many fights and insuring good grades.  With the last child, when the other 2 left for college we relaxed it, and I regret it.

 

The hardest part of being a parent is discipline, but it has to be done.  A spoiled child will not be happy and will make home life hard.  Have rules, and clear consequences.  Children should have responsibilities and chores.  Big bonus in there life if they get jobs early, from pet watching, babysitting, raking, shoveling etc., 

 

Keep a leg in your kids world.  If your kid loves Massive Online Games, familiarize yourself with them, same with any hobby your kid gets into.  Make the effort to understand and be conversant in it.  Give'em space but don't let there interests become too alien.

 

 

Last eat meals together.  Make the effort to have dinner most nights as a family.  Discuss whats going on, discuss news.  Talk, very important not to devolve into a TV watching, eat whenever deal; if it can be helped.    And part of that is valuing family dinner above other commitments. 

[Wu Ming Jen]

Eat meals together, Play, have no agenda, be non judgmental, love, play, love, be supportive, play, encourage all interest, place them first before yourself, play, love, give them opportunities that set them on a proper course to navigate through the most trenchers waters and find safe harbor. Be the safe harbor, being there, being there, being present in their presence. 90% of success is showing up. 

[Mig]

Eat meals together, Play, have no agenda, be non judgmental, love, play, love, be supportive, play, encourage all interest, place them first before yourself, play, love, give them opportunities that set them on a proper course to navigate through the most trenchers waters and find safe harbor. Be the safe harbor, being there, being there, being present in their presence. 90% of success is showing up. 

So how do you manage with structure or discipline? The thoughts are great but I am afraid the reality is totally different from 0-2, 3-5, 6-12, 13-18, at least that's my experience. One thing I learned is to practice detachment and keep in mind the difference between structure and discipline. The fact is that daily life is not as easy as we read and learn from others.

[Wu Ming Jen]

Discipline is like disciplining ourselves first. We must always be respectful and show respect by behaving properly and knowing when inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated. By having a good relationship with the world around us we will be instilling this in our children even when they can seem to have the exact opposite interest in life.

 

Structure is very important,  just like the sun and  moon and season change in fixed regularity, works great for planing and scheduling, knowing the time, when to move fast or when to move slow.

 

Just doing things with our kids instills non verbal information on a higher level. the information is absorbed like a sponge in the first years of a child the most precious and safe guarded years,most demanding of our attention.

 

Life is not easy, treacherous waters.  The reality, 

 

This is hilarious as I was typing this reply and my son called me who lives about 1500 miles away  to talk about stuff and my grandson and I talked who I unintentionally love deeply. I never had my heart broken until the day he moved away he is five and a half.

 

The best part of parenting advice is every one is full to give it. My advice is to ignore it all and go with your gut instincts. Only you know best.

[Wu Ming Jen]

I forgot to mention, hug, touch, play, love  if you have a young child and they are not sitting on you, jumping on your gut, putting their feet in your face or something really annoying,,,,, this is not normal. Touch, hug, play, love, joy,

 

Family from antiquity to infinity and beyond.

[Wu Ming Jen]

Cloud hands, may I ask why it is too late?

 

Cloud hands is a great name, I see a vision of you working out. moving quickly and with the light of the day it looks as you have continuous hands, made of clouds, changing, appearing and disappearing, sometimes soft and some times as fierce as a mighty storm. 

[Mig]

I forgot to mention, hug, touch, play, love  if you have a young child and they are not sitting on you, jumping on your gut, putting their feet in your face or something really annoying,,,,, this is not normal. Touch, hug, play, love, joy,

 

Family from antiquity to infinity and beyond.

What parts in the DDJ may apply to parenting? Any examples or chapters from the DDJ?

[CloudHands]

Cloud hands, may I ask why it is too late?

 

Cloud hands is a great name, I see a vision of you working out. moving quickly and with the light of the day it looks as you have continuous hands, made of clouds, changing, appearing and disappearing, sometimes soft and some times as fierce as a mighty storm. 

 

It was too late because. It was 10h30 pm and wanted to go to my bed

 

Where I live I often witness clouds moving in opposite directions. Picture this in accelerated and you'll be close to (a probable) good interpretation of the yang tai chi move "moving your hand like clouds". This move comes from silk reeling qi gong, it supposed to be very old.

[CloudHands]

It's interesting you gave a more global description of your vision of your parenting thelerner.  I deeply agree with it.

I agree with you too Wu Ming Jen, and it felt good to read "I forgot to mention, hug, touch, play, love  if you have a young child and they are not sitting on you, jumping on your gut, putting their feet in your face or something really annoying,,,,, this is not normal. Touch, hug, play, love, joy"

​Because my daughter is both very affectionate and attention demanding, I'm glad of it, but it's a challenge to have her to understand and accept that I need time for me alone too.

 

This thread came with the memory of Spotless telling how he used to meditate aside to his child to put him/her to sleep.

I adapted the method to learn my daughter to be able to fall asleep by herself by meditating just the other side of the door in a way she couldn't see me.

 

A great tip to avoid frontal confrontation is to offer a choice rather give an order. Or confront the child to the immediate consequences of a bad move.

 

 

I have an impressive memory of her listening to someone playing oriental (probably syrian) music in the street. She enjoyed it but at the same time she understood it so well her eyes turned wet. That was a very moving moment.

 

I got that stupid memory that often comes to my mind... We were driving a long way, she was quiet then suddenly... she yelled VEEEEENNNNNTRRE (belly) with a raucous voice... ahahah

 

I remember her pointing at something with her finger against her eye.

 

I probably have better or more usefull things to share but that's what come for now.

Edited April 23, 2017 by CloudHands

[Spotless]

Parents push heavily on past and future - most teach consistent adhesion to the tension in the illusion - the trance state.

 

As an example:

 

In sitting down to dinner a typical conversation to a son or daughter is "how was your day" and possibly for our youngest, questions like "what was your favorite part of today" or "your day".

 

We then might suggest they hurry up because they need to do homework and then shower before bed.

 

It is rare that we are simply present - that is "taught" as a void, an odd silence.

 

One can move a child along in eating by simply suggesting that while they engage they need to eat their dinner - it does not need to be future timed by suggestions pressuring futures.

 

---

 

Children can become sick and most parents teach future consequence of sickness rather than simply being present:

The child is sick and we might say "if this fever does not break by morning you're going to have to miss Johnny's birthday party"

 

---

 

The illusion is extrapolation - constant taunting from forward or backward - It is taught because humans are wholly lost in its mesmerizing frequencies. It is illegal to be in the Now - "you've got college to think of" - "go to sleep now, you've got baseball in the morning".

---

 

I point out to my son (9 yrs old) when he is in angst about something - that it is not happening now and ask him what he is accomplishing by getting all worked up. Or I might divert his futuring by asking him "what is your favorite fish" completely out of the blue. He can be shown after an event that he was angry about being made to attend how much fun he had and have him look at the whole nature of skillful means and dissipation of oneself for no reason.

 

---

 

I get to stare at him frequently - he use to ask why - I told him "because your beautiful, your my son, it's what parents do"

He no longer asks why - and so he sees me and I see him and we have many moments like this - just quiet.

[cold]

" 90% of success is showing up"

 

While I agree, I would counter that 100% of failures begin by not showing up.

 

Choices always better than orders!

 

Two examples of the many gems insights offered in this thread.

Thanks

[Wu Ming Jen]

What parts in the DDJ may apply to parenting? Any examples or chapters from the DDJ?

Hi Mig,

IMO the DDJ is a beautiful gift to the world with limitless applications. Family to me is the original government. I was the youngest of 6 kids so I knew my place immediately.Lets just say I had no rank or position in the government.I had to go to the eldest for protection and to state my case. My dad was the ultimate authority and my mom was nurturing, providing all my survival needs.

 

We play many roles in life, We have no script and the movie is always live. 

[Wu Ming Jen]

Cloud hands

 

I was taught Silk Reeling via Chen style Tai Chi. This taught me how to unwind force, move in a  way so not to break the thread. As a parent I find this most effective diffusing a situation, turning a possible bad situation in to something better. When things become rough a diversion, shift in attention has the ability to smooth things out again maintaining balance.

 

The energetic atmosphere around me is more important then  a lesson that will result in emotional chaos.. Showing a child how to shift energy or a situation to be more beneficial is a better lesson, 

[CloudHands]

Cloud hands

 

I was taught Silk Reeling via Chen style Tai Chi. This taught me how to unwind force, move in a  way so not to break the thread. As a parent I find this most effective diffusing a situation, turning a possible bad situation in to something better. When things become rough a diversion, shift in attention has the ability to smooth things out again maintaining balance.

 

The energetic atmosphere around me is more important then  a lesson that will result in emotional chaos.. Showing a child how to shift energy or a situation to be more beneficial is a better lesson, 

 

IMHO Shifting is great in many cases. It's obviously beneficial to avoid a wall... and detrimental in some others. Sometimes you have got to be the wall the child has to walk away (shift). Simply because that's how they will learn to handle frustration and that's how they are going to learn how to shift, don't they ?

 

My main vision as an educator comes from daoism : helping a child to grow by being a model more than an instructor sounds easy but with an-always-evolving-knowing-your-string-child pushing you, what a challenge and what a lesson

I'm happy I started my classes with a dog...

 

And just like you, what I learn form tai chi helps a lot : pushing without tensing up.

Being an iron fist wrapped in cotton... what a concept ! You can find so many situations where it's crucial to be that way. What a challenge to stay at this level too. Firm and soft at the same time. Determinate but aware.

[vonkrankenhaus]

It helps in parenting to not destroy or diminish children.

 

Isn't that obvious? Or not?

 

If you cut the umbilical cord before the child breathes or nurses, this is causing brain and liver damage.

 

If a nurse take the baby from the mother to weigh it, this is causing behavioral damage.

 

If you inject baby with neurotoxins, its brain is poisoned.

 

If you cut the child's penis either at birth or at a later time, this is causing permanent behavioral changes.

 

And so on.

 

Most of the "normal" things done to children do not produce normal children.

 

They are producing something else - in such quantities that people think such damage is "normal" or "common".

 

 

 

 

 

- VonKrankenhaus

[cold]

Walls don't have to be confronted. Look to nature they can be dug under (ground hog) climbed over (snake) leapt over (deer) or ignored(me).

[CloudHands]

Walls don't have to be confronted. Look to nature they can be dug under (ground hog) climbed over (snake) leapt over (deer) or ignored(me).

 

Sure, my point is that you need walls to learn how to deal with it. Parents that only give "yesses" help nothing with it.

Note that I said a wall not a crush machine.

[cold]

Orange crush?

An early lesson I learned while enjoying a chilled orange crush - homemade- oranges squeezed pulpy as possible and placed in freezer until semi frozen (but I digress) was watching people throw things at the wall to see what stuck.

 

Fences (and walls in particular at a nudist colony ) make great neighbors!

[Brian]

Children learn what their parents model rather than what their parents teach. The adage "do as I say, not as I do" is a recipe for heartache.

 

A child's first and most persistent understanding should be love. Show them. Always.

 

Be consistent.

 

Show them that you want them to try.

 

Show them that happiness is independent of things.

 

Show them that it is OK to be sad sometimes.

 

Show them how to be a good winner and how to be a good loser.

 

Show them that you value traits like compassion and initiative and inquisitiveness and generosity (among others).

 

Show them how to work.

 

Show them that you love learning for its own sake.

 

Show them that you respect others.

 

Show them that you appreciate the mysterious.

 

Show them how to be kind.

 

Show them.

[cold]

Yes!

What is learned in the nest...

[CloudHands]

Children learn what their parents model rather than what their parents teach. The adage "do as I say, not as I do" is a recipe for heartache.

 

A child's first and most persistent understanding should be love. Show them. Always.

 

Be consistent.

 

Show them that you want them to try.

 

Show them that happiness is independent of things.

 

Show them that it is OK to be sad sometimes.

 

Show them how to be a good winner and how to be a good loser.

 

Show them that you value traits like compassion and initiative and inquisitiveness and generosity (among others).

 

Show them how to work.

 

Show them that you love learning for its own sake.

 

Show them that you respect others.

 

Show them that you appreciate the mysterious.

 

Show them how to be kind.

 

Show them.

I was waiting for it... DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO !!!!

 

 

 

That's a beautiful declaration Brian. Do you have concrete and inspiring (and beautiful!) stories to tell ?

[CloudHands]

Yes!

What is learned in the nest...

 

What do you mean ? 

[cold]

Children will model their elders. Parents older siblings other significant adults in their life are the greatest influence on youngsters.

[Brian]

I was waiting for it... DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO !!!!

 

 

 

That's a beautiful declaration Brian. Do you have concrete and inspiring (and beautiful!) stories to tell ?

We often make our most significant discoveries by examining our mistakes.

 

My son is 23 now and I would like to think I would do some things differently if I had the chance to do it over again. Neither he nor my wife participate in the forum, though, so I don't think I will discuss my family in public.

 

My own childhood was not a model anyone should follow.