TFW you cannot be yourself -_-

[Marblehead]

5 hours ago, Owledge said:

In essence: Do not confuse the fear/love duality with the egotism/altruism duality.

I like that.  So very true, IMO.

 

[Owledge]

One source of my depression/burnout is my environment's response to my efforts towards improving my situation. Another is my environment's response to me giving up trying because of that response. There is no patent solution for resolving a dilemma.

Had a really good couple hours of sleep today, refreshing, base-building, and then because of that I finally found the drive to deal with solving a long-lasting problem and that pretty much ruined everything again, because it was yet another reminder that all hope gets destroyed here, that some things never get better and waiting or persistence is folly.

 

Basically a world that signals: You have to torture yourself harder. You have to learn to take it. If you can't, you are a bad person. You are lazy. Just be like us and the problem is solved.

 

My main challenge isn't even a general incapacity for work, but finding work that doesn't drain my emergency batteries but at least slowly re-energizes me. Finding some authentic connection to people who give a shit and going from there. If only it wasn't so fucking hard (for everybody and thus even more so for the burned out) to find a healing place. I'm dreaming of a sustainable humble little home with good internet speed, far enough away to not be disturbed by people and to not disturb them. Then I could actually start cultivating the really powerful stuff in me. But even settling for less seems to merely exchange one problem with another that's just as depressing.

This is also why I have given up seeking 'professionals' for help. They are usually part of the problem, the same slaves that depress me so much. No trick or technique can cure a situation-induced state. You would need coaching for that. But then guess what: Same problem: Good coaches are rare, likely lots of sleazebags in the business, and health insurance doesn't pay for coaching, regardless of how well it could solve things. I went to an ergotherapist once because the job description sounded appropriate - discovering potentials and finding ways to help people develop them - but apparently unlike coaching fixating on "person is wrong" instead of "world is wrong", and she said she thinks I am not ready for coaching, while she was depressing me when I realized she's got more problems than I. That's even more frustrating, but sadly quite common: When you know very well what you need, but those who are supposed to be able to help you are trying to impose their own ideas on you, often out of pettiness.

 

I.e. if only I had accepted that the shit's not gonna get better, I'd be in a better mood. (But for how long?) - Now I'll have to try to let it go past and do a quick recovery, as always.

Substantial things just hit so frickin' hard that barely any light of spirit can hold against it. And 99% of the emotional support I get comes from myself.

Edited August 12, 2017 by Owledge

[Marblehead]

1 hour ago, Owledge said:

One source of my depression/burnout is my environment's response to my efforts towards improving my situation. Another is my environment's response to me giving up trying because of that response. There is no patent solution for resolving a dilemma.

 

Looks like you are going to have to do it on your own disregarding initial environmental responses.

 

[Owledge]

Things are so bad in such a systematic, dynamically reactive and elaborate pattern that sometimes it makes me wonder whether I am just a ghost in denial about his death, desperately/unsuccessfully trying to imagine still being alive.

If this is a game, I got ripped off, because I paid full price for a demo version.

[thursday]

It is not easy, many people thinking and doing things, trying to get us off track or fix us their way.. Even if it's just the reactions we have.. It seems very much like "me vs the world". Seeing yourself as a ghost may not be that bad if it allows you to step outside your mental processes a bit more.. 

 

Dr. Ouelet: We cling to memories as if they define us, but they don't. What we do is what defines us.

(Ghost in the Shell)

[Owledge]

21 minutes ago, thursday said:

It is not easy, many people thinking and doing things, trying to get us off track or fix us their way.. Even if it's just the reactions we have.. It seems very much like "me vs the world". Seeing yourself as a ghost may not be that bad if it allows you to step outside your mental processes a bit more.. 

 

Dr. Ouelet: We cling to memories as if they define us, but they don't. What we do is what defines us.

(Ghost in the Shell)

A ghost stepping out of the mental process would mean end of (delusion of) existence.

 

That quote is totally not thought through. Remove all your memories and I'm sure you'll do totally different things.

[thursday]

I didn't like the movie, but the quote reminded me not to think too much about the past. We cannot remove all of our memories, well, I don't think.. We can try to do a bit better.

Edited August 12, 2017 by thursday

[Marblehead]

5 hours ago, Owledge said:

Things are so bad in such a systematic, dynamically reactive and elaborate pattern that sometimes it makes me wonder whether I am just a ghost in denial about his death, desperately/unsuccessfully trying to imagine still being alive.

If this is a game, I got ripped off, because I paid full price for a demo version.

It'll get better (but maybe worse) as time goes by.

 

Yeah, full price for a demo version sucks.  And even after you finally get the full version yu still have to buy the add-ons.

 

 

 

[Anastasia]

On 9.8.2017 at 2:08 PM, allinone said:

 

Statistics speaks other thing

i have so many games and things i can or could do, but i don't find any good reason to do so. I check other peoples accounts i see like 100 games, but only played 1 hour average.

On top of that, i have freedom to walk around, do same things what i can do in games in real life.

 

so i suspect i don't do nothing in paradise where every possible imagination could come true. That sounds most cool thing but its boring and empty in the end after few tries or so.

 

Then this is what you choose.

[Owledge]

4 hours ago, Anastasia said:

 

Then this is what you choose.

I got so much entertainment out of playing games with cheat codes in my childhood. Because I didn't need or want competition, pressure, risk, friction and above all scarcity. I'm a creative mind, understanding that we bring into the world what we live, and I want to condition my mind towards abundance. Naturally that makes things extremely difficult in our world, since it goes so much against society's ruling structures. And manifesting abundance without impairing someone else's is even tougher. But to some degree others don't deserve it anyway. No point accumodating strangers who might be totally selfish. Problem is just that if you apply a watering can principle, then you never know who you hit. And that's where my empathy won't budge. I had to learn to differentiate in order to not become a misanthrope.

[Anastasia]

On 14.8.2017 at 1:37 PM, Owledge said:

I got so much entertainment out of playing games with cheat codes in my childhood. Because I didn't need or want competition, pressure, risk, friction and above all scarcity. I'm a creative mind, understanding that we bring into the world what we live, and I want to condition my mind towards abundance. Naturally that makes things extremely difficult in our world, since it goes so much against society's ruling structures. And manifesting abundance without impairing someone else's is even tougher. But to some degree others don't deserve it anyway. No point accumodating strangers who might be totally selfish. Problem is just that if you apply a watering can principle, then you never know who you hit. And that's where my empathy won't budge. I had to learn to differentiate in order to not become a misanthrope.

 

Believe that there can be abundance for yourself and everybody else in your life. Your thoughts will help create it.

[Owledge]

14 minutes ago, Anastasia said:

 

Believe that there can be abundance for yourself and everybody else in your life. Your thoughts will help create it.

More popculture belief to soothe your own mind. One of the big lessons delivered to me by life is that all my positive energy and belief has created negative reactions, has made things even more difficult. Especially for the people 'in my life', so to speak, there can never be abundance. They are devoted enemies of that. Small minds will always attack that which is greater. They need to reap the disrespect they sow through their actions. Putting hope in them is a mistake and a disservice to that (potential) gift of greatness.

If you could see all the love I sent into the world and what I received in return, you would have murder on your mind.

One of my teachers once said that some unchangeable mindsets that bring suffering into the world just need to eventually die off with their hosts. (Sadly I don't have that kind of time.)

Edited August 15, 2017 by Owledge

[Anastasia]

2 minutes ago, Owledge said:

More popculture belief to soothe your own mind. One of the big lessons delivered to me by life is that all my positive energy and belief has created negative reactions, has made things even more difficult. Especially for the people 'in my life', so to speak, there can never be abundance. They are devoted enemies of that. Small minds will always attack that which is greater. They need to reap the disrespect they sow through their actions. Putting hope in them is a mistake and a disservice to that (potential) gift of greatness.

If you could see all the love I sent into the world and what I received in return, you would have murder on your mind.

 

Perhaps you are too attached to results. Just send out the energy and let it go.