Adoption v. Biological family

[Hancock]

Should a 10 year old be given the choice to choose if he stays with an adopted family or if he goes with his biological family?

 

Is this fair to put on a child? If yes, why, if no, why not?

 

 

I'd appreciate answers, an I also appreciate no one judging others for their opinion.

 

 

I know it's a weird question it, I'm using whatever means are at my disposal right now to hear others opinions. Although I've my own opinion, I'd like outside ones. Thank you.

Edited August 28, 2017 by Hancock

[cold]

My initial thought is it would not be fair to the child.

 

But further information would be helpful!

What would be the reason(s) that led to his adoption?

What was his age when adopted?

What is history of relationship between child and biological family.

Are the adopted family currently meeting the child's needs, both physical and emotional?

Is the biological family ready willing and able to meet the child's needs, both physical and emotional?

How would any change be made abruptly or slowly.

Would child remain in same school? Neighborhood etc.?

 

If memory serves me right I began rebelling around that age, running away from home, questioning and disobeying authority etc.

And again if memory serves puberty was no fun either and not too far off in the future to a ten year old.

Could the families share the child?

 

[thelerner]

imo, Too important a question to answer without lots more details, hopefully with info from all sides. 

 

still

I have a friend who's parents died when he was young.  At 10 or 11 he ended up with an uncle and aunt who were fundamentalist.  He was there opposite; bookish, liberal, not religious- it was a very poor fit.  At a young age he reached out to another pair of relatives and by himself started legal proceedings to get the switch done, knowing there'd be resistance from the original care givers. 

 

He succeeded and his life was much better for it, but he knew where he was jumping into.   Versus rolling dice. 

 

addon> side note imo biological or adoptive, is secondary to loving and capable. 

[Marblehead]

Damn!  I'm the only one who has voted so far.

 

There are reasons why countries and states have a legal age.  Those in power feel they are capable of making those kinds of decisions once they have reached the legal age.

 

[Hancock]

The lack of information is so people will give genuine answers based on their personal views. Ill reveal information after I get more views and opinions. I'm attempting to remain impartiAl until then. Thank you

[thelerner]

3 hours ago, Hancock said:

The lack of information is so people will give genuine answers based on their personal views. Ill reveal information after I get more views and opinions. I'm attempting to remain impartiAl until then. Thank you

Fine, then I voted Maybe, because it depends on the maturity of the 10 year old.  Don't want them to make the decision based on a hissy fit or who will them more toys. 

but

If they're mature for there age and can make a good argument then I'd highly consider there view point. 

[Kar3n]

In the case of a 10 year old, it boils down to rule so law. Most ten year olds' formal operation cognitive function has not developed. I realize that not every child is created equal and there might be exceptions. Even if the exceptions are evident there would still need to be an evaluation by professionals and likely a lengthly court case.

 

Personally, I do not believe a child at the innocent age of 10 should shoulder with the responsibility of making decisions that can have lifelong consequences. Children want to be pleasing and any adult who puts a child in that position needs to have their friggin' head examined!!!

[Hancock]

When I was 8, my mother signed custody over to a family in our church because she divorced my step dad and was having trouble taking care of us financially.

At 10, my grandmother had heard about this situation and did everything in her power to get me back. But since it was legal, she couldn't do anything.

 

However the adopted mother Theresa, had clAimed I hit her to her husband, (I literally found this out the other day during a conversation with him), an so when my grandmother came around again, they took it to the leaders of the church we were in. New Jerusalem Outreach. The pastor's wife, Maude Dawson said they "felt in their spirit, that I should choose where I felt just should go."

 

My grandmother promised my mother, brother and sister were waiting for me, happy to see me. That blood should be with blood.how everyone missed me. An really did a number on me emotionally.

My adopted parents just said they wanted me to check with my spirit and do what my spirit told me to do.

 

I feel they were trying to cop out and didn't care. Looking back now I realised that I was lied on by the adopted mother Theresa to the husband, Michael. During meditation I even saw what triggered her decision to get rid of me. She called me in to come inside, an I said "No." Two men from the church showed up, an stayed the night that night because Michael was gone on a business trip. 

He owns a ceiling cleaning business in Wilmington,NC. He's a good person, and truly believes his wife is telling the truth. Now I know the truth it's helped relieve some of the emotional wounds.the guy was trying to protect his wife from a willful kid, who she reported misbehave when he wasn't around. He was trying to make her feel safe. He was being a good husband in his eyes.

In her eyes I couldn't be controlled except by manipulating the people around me to do it. She had genuine fear of my willingness and couldn't stand that a child said "No", so to restore her sense of security she had me removed in a way that would look to be as if there was no fault on her part. She lied and said I did things I didn't, she gave false reports to her husband, she manipulated the church elders, an in the end she did it all from fear.

She isn't a bad person, they tried to adopt another boy but he was taken from them by his family. She has helped out lots of people. She even sent me a book recently.

 

The on my difference is now I know the truth. I remember my time there, I was studying to become a pastor when I grew up. I spent most my time reading the Strings Concordance and the Holy Bible, other times I rode bicycle or swam in the pool..in fact I said No to her because I wanted to play my bike. An when she insisted I got upset an ran back outside, an ran into the washer..she thought I hit it on purpose and told me to stay away from her and her son Seth, my Adopted brother, their son. I remember things so clearly and it's like I carried it so long that on my now am kind realizing how it hurts.

 

Thanks for your answers. This has been very cathartic for me.

 

 

P.s. btw I did choose going to my biological family, an when I left with my grandmother, my mom told her that I was my grandma's responsibility so we ended up homeless in her truck for bout a year til social services took me in to custody. At bout 16my grandmother had finally established herself an petitioned the court to have me sent home because my family had moved to Arkansas an she didn't want me left behind. Then she would molest me.

 

Life gives us a messed up hand sometimes, but we're only victims if we let ourselves be. I like to think I'm a person who's faced challenges and keeps moving forwards. I tell you this cause I don't want y'all thinking I'm garnering sympathy, I'm sharing and relieving myself of a burdensome experience.

 

Thanks again. For your unbiased answers.

[Kar3n]

Thanks for being so open. It really reveals a lot about you and how you have reacted in certain situations on TDB. I guess, from time to time, we all react to triggers that take us back to a certain place and an old, automated response from long ago takes over.

 

I like this practice for helping to keep from getting caught up and attaching memories to situations that elicit an auto response.

 

All we can do is try to stay in the present moment, let go bit by bit, and allow ourselves to heal. The result is freedom and forgiveness, not intellectually, but internally.

[blue eyed snake]

1 hour ago, Hancock said:

Life gives us a messed up hand sometimes, but we're only victims if we let ourselves be. I like to think I'm a person who's faced challenges and keeps moving forwards. I tell you this cause I don't want y'all thinking I'm garnering sympathy, I'm sharing and relieving myself of a burdensome experience.

 

thank you for sharing these deep emotions that have formed you. I've done something like that advice from Kar3n and it has helped me a lot, takes time though, and confronts one with the pain inside, But slowly one can get rid of the pain that way

 

BES

 

[CloudHands]

It's a decision a child can possibly make but the weight of the responsibility is like a punishment for him and half of the "parents".

I'm not my father's genetic offspring but to me the filiation is where the caregiver is. So the person that raised me is without a doubt my father.

I truly can't imagine it otherwise in my case. Somethings that could inflect that is when was the child dropped out of is first "family" it's a game changer.

Without questioning him, does the child manifest attachment, wish to return to or discover his biological parents ? That's a better question.

 

Culture over nature, for the human I'd say... definitely more than 50%. Our nature without culture ? Digg for feral childs.

[Hancock]

Thanks everyone who responded. My survey is over.