Where do I go from here?

[shortstuff]

I wrote a post on my blog it is pretty lengthy but is very genuine. I have quoted it below.

I am wondering if I should continue on the path? Or change yet again to something else. What about an enlightenment course?

Or is there a point where you just give up? I don't necessarily mean suicide either.

Note: therapy seems pointless because it only works on the ego and not the Self below (or above) it. Which is my target (Self Realization). I have had some glimpses of no-ego and it is an amazing place to be.

 

Entheogens seem like the next best option.

 

Quote

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

I really am fucking lost.

Born and put on this world with Austism, Asperges and Dyspraxia I feel like I am an alien in a world full of people who are enjoying life. This is Who I Am currently.

I’m writing this and publishing it here just to put into words what I’m thinking. I doubt anyone will read it. Everywhere I go people fail me. I was reading the other day about how someone on benefits has his own house. Some non-profit pays half his mortgage, and his benefit income covers the rest. Plus living costs. I get nothing for my disabilities. Yet I knew and used to consider friends people who had nothing wrong with them and got all the benefits you can think of. Failed by the Government. Yet I have to try and be positive here. Why does shit like this happen to me? Is it to force me to look inwards? In Yoga they like to say “The Guru is in you”. Well I can’t find him or her either.

It is like life is conspiring against me, but not giving me a reason. And every self improvement step I take backfires into my face.

I recieved Shaktipat recently. In absentia. 3 days into it, following the practice, it stops working. Yet I know of others who have it and it is changing their lives. Though it is not spoken, people who believe they are “experts” on all things Kundalini say you have to follow nofap – total celibacy. Which I tried, 48 hours later I was snapping and snarling at people. Didn’t work. Then they made me feel like I had failed. Another problem is the Autism. I was recently part of a community on Discord. I decided to be real with these people. To not fake normality. So I was bluntly honest, open and transparent. And in the end, as per usual, I got the admin telling me I’m “attention seeking” and pissing everyone off. Do you know how hurtful it is to know that everywhere you go, people misunderstand you? Or they try to send you some article that tells you what your Autism means, and how easy it is to “cure it”. Like you haven’t really lived with it for 31 years, watching it ruin all your friendships and relationships? So I had to leave that. And delete Facebook whilst I’m at it. And Youtube. And all the other links with them.

 

The worst thing is it makes you feel like just going and living in a cave. But what’s the point of life? Can’t help people by doing that. So in actuality my life is worthless. Is it therefore unfair on everyone else to breathe the oxygen that trees that are declining produce? It seems the NHS agrees. I have been on a waiting list for a therapist for over a year now (for suicidal thoughts). Ie “we don’t care about you”.

The problem with this is no one knows what happens to suicide victims. Do they just cease to exist? Do they go to Hell? Or do they reincarnate on Earth with shitty parents and have to do it all over again? In 31 years time would I be 31 again typing this on some blog on the internet?

I sit here looking at “Enlightenment Intensives” trying to figure out if it is worth spending £400 for a 3 day course to answer the question “Who are you?” with a bunch of strangers. How do you answer that?

 

Or should I buy a ton of LSD and consume it? No people say. It makes you psychotic. Which is another thought, how fucked are you when the thought of being sent to a psych ward sounds quite exciting compared to mundane life?

 

Who Am I?

 

I am nobody. And this is the problem in an ego driven world. I believe I am no one. Worthless. Life keeps reinforcing this belief. And when you tell someone you are worthless, they say “Nah you’re just negative, stay away please”. Like a viscious circle.

Oh well. Off to meditate for another two hours with this wierd necklace around my neck.

 

[RiverSnake]

Sounds like you got a lot of soul sickness going on. Would you like some help? 

[Lost in Translation]

Dear Shortstuff,

 

I have read your words, several times. I hear you. I hear your pain.

 

Your situation is different than mine. I don’t have autism, asperges, or dyspraxia, and I can’t begin to imagine what that is like. But I can tell from your words that you are intelligent, perceptive, and sensitive. You have worth. You are valuable!

 

It may be impossible to believe right now, but I tell you truthfully, every person you see has trauma. Every person has pain. Every person has fear. You are not alone.

 

Thank you for being brave enough to share your innermost pain with us. That took courage!

 

Now is not the time for you to isolate yourself from the world. Please seek a friend, a neighbor - someone close to you that you trust. Share with that person what you have shared with us. I know this will not be easy, but you can do it.

 

I leave you with these words:

 

The Master said, ‘Do not worry because you have no official position. Worry about your qualifications. Do not worry because no one appreciates your abilities. Seek to be worthy of appreciation.’  — Confucius, The Analects, book IV, chapter XIV. (Penguin Classics)

 

-Lost in Translation

[allinone]

what would help if you could find someone who could mimic your voice or tone in a situation, you recon exactly what you are.

---

or you could find the facials, tone, muscles, breath etc you may use, by yourself, exact match will get you unlocked from that forced and reoccuring issue, next time you will need more precision and perhaps other set of skill action.

---

also can think back similar situation or situation where you have that issue, it have triggers and then work from those places and feelings.

Edited October 5, 2017 by allinone

[Aetherous]

Your blog post is coming from a perspective of all that is wrong with the world, which is okay...sometimes one has to take a hard look and vent about things. That's good.

But being written from only one side of the coin, I'm certain that it's not the entirety of your life...I'm betting that there are also things you enjoy.

In my experience, it's better to spend time focusing on those things that you enjoy in your life, and better to completely ignore the things you hate. Try to add more enjoyable things, and think more about what you like. It can be positive to have dreams of how you want your life to be, and plan for making them happen. Set a goal to make your life more fun for you. Then do what it takes to make it happen.

It's not worth spending time cultivating envy...looking at what others get away with and wishing you could, too.

You have some disabilities in a certain sense, and aren't given the due that others with some disabilities are given. So that's the way things are...that's reality...work with it, rather than just complain about it. Working with it will help you, while complaining about it might feel cathartic, but it won't change a damn thing! Do what helps you.

Sometimes in life, we have to make the things we want to happen, happen...we have to put in the hard work that others don't. It can be unfair, but we still have to. We can spend our time ruminating over how unfair it is, or we can be effective and make it work. Then we can get more of the things we enjoy...for instance, a pleasant house, a car, travel, good food, etc. Life isn't so bad.

 

So some people can reap some benefits that you can't...millions or billions of people are in the same boat as you, having to work for things. You're in good company in that sense.

The person you know who just receives benefits and doesn't earn them...those might be taken away one day. Then what will they do? They aren't even standing on their own two feet...when those who support that person stop supporting them, they will be entirely helpless...whereas you will be just fine, since you will (hopefully by then) be living by your own effort.

So, these are just some things to think about which might help you.

 

Avoid entheogens...total waste of time that does not ever lead to enlightenment, or anything worthwhile (despite what some claim). It's not my primary spiritual path, but I can recommend the Buddhist link in my signature for something very good to practice.

There's a lot of nonsense out there about the spiritual path (for instance, suggestions to take mind altering drugs, fraudulent teachers, false ideas about what enlightenment is, etc). It can lead to years wasted...but that's part of the search, and part of learning. If you find something that really makes sense, improves your character in a real world way, and doesn't mess up your life, then it's a good path.

[allinone]

Maybe you are in a process of turning external situation internal and are a bit lost for a while in between. You can live external things through internally so you not find purpose of doing the things again externally.

Developing internal dialogue as it is a story where you gradually remove ignorant, dark, confusing, overlooked aspects and find new holes and getting stuck again..

Internal dialogue is your guru.

Stopping internal dialogue is like holding a breath. For me the most frequent thing i ask probably is 'wtf i need to do here' i even do the thinking sound hmm. So if i don't know or get anything, then i hint or faint think that i trust the system that i get the answer soon and it is a movement too, it has a very little sensation.

Also in dark period is 'i wish i would die' like 100x per day, there is a reason for it what i haven't dig out yet enough to make that say efficient and pointed..

Basically if i would purify all channels then it comes out as no-self and "mechanical" points.

[thursday]

Life is not easy.. it is hard. We all have our own challenges. Speaking for myself, having tapered off meds for mental illness, it's been a tough wake up call and often thought about taking them again (even these days) to blind myself from the damage within.

 

Writing things online can be helpful if you're with similar minded people, but still then, in my case when I made a fool of myself on a forum in the past, it was helpful for me to see why people got offended and see how I was in error. Apologizing helped, then making sure not to repeat the same mistake. Know that people have their own stuff going on, nobody is perfect, recognizing that fragile state seems to help with being more considerate.

 

I don't have much of a social life anymore except seeing family and people at work, and yeah it's unfortunate, people grow apart.. but it can also be a thing that just happens because we grow older and get different priorities. It can still be hard on me, but I appreciate my family more now then I ever have before, despite having had a lot of trouble and having played the blame game both ways.

 

Things are usually not as bad as they look like.. Sometimes life is frightening one day and the next things suddenly seem a lot better. My point is that things change more often than we like to admit. Maybe just be open about "giving up" and what it really means to you?

 

Someone here told me Adyashanti's advice is to fail on meditation and that seems like a good way of looking at it. How can you give up? Life just goes on and it's likely when you "give up" that you're allowing things to be as they are and accept the pains a bit more.

 

A lot of the advice above from others is really good.. Finding some colour in life, some things to keep on going, because no matter if you give up or not, deep down people like to be at peace and grateful more..

Edited October 5, 2017 by thursday

[JohnC]

In support of you making headway in your path, reading over your post I feel suspect of the conclusions you are making.

 

I'm aware that in energy work the progress I think I should be making isn't necessarily the progress I make. Which is also to say that when things happen, it doesn't necessarily mean it isn't working.

 

Reading:

Quote

Though it is not spoken, people who believe they are “experts” on all things Kundalini say you have to follow nofap – total celibacy. Which I tried, 48 hours later I was snapping and snarling at people. Didn’t work. 

 

It doesn't sound like it wasn't working to me. It sounds like anger was coming up, which is a sign of movement in my experience.

As I've progressed the vast majority of my focus has been on continuing to practice while ignoring my emotions/objections, ESPECIALLY when it came to emotions that said 'STOP, THIS ISN'T WORKING' etc.

For me, if it isn't working, then why am I so angry and want to stop so much?

 

As if my mind/body were attempting to keep the equilibrium of my current state, which I was trying to change.

 

I largely think this is true(that part of you attempts to maintain equilibrium), and as you approach any movement forward, you will encounter resistance in one shape or another. Whether it is internal thinking, emotions of fear/anger/other, etc. Your job, is to continue to practice. Take that stuff as information, not TRUTH.

 

Make decisions and come to conclusions from as much clarity as you can... and ultimately your mind is biased. A part of you wants to keep things the same and safe. This is important for your overall health... and not forever.

 

Good luck!

John

[Chá Rén 茶人]

-Avoid entheogens until you are in a better, more peaceful state of mind. "Set and setting" are important in altered mind states and your "Set" is not proper for that sort of extreme. 

-Find a good Sifu to help guide you. Therapy is an overrated western method, which may not benefit you. 

-Clean up your diet. Especially processed and conventional meats, which are loaded with both artificial hormones and natural stress hormones due to slaughter methods. When we consume this sort of meat, we are eating an animal that was energetically distressed at the time of death. We then consume this bad qi. Even praying over your food helps a little bit (sounds weird. I know...).

-Cut out alcohol if possible. 

-Try a meditative technique or even qi gong or taiji if you feel it is easier to meditate or flow while moving. I do. 

- You are obviously a thoughtful and conscientious person; the world does not reward people such as this often at the moment. You are going against the grain. However, you are more than your illness and struggles. Try to identify your most positive traits and "name yourself" with those. Not "Hi my name is XXXX and I am disabled.". Instead, "Hi my name is XXXX and I am a thoughtful Taoist."

We all have varying degrees of traits.

I could identify with my negative ones...instead I am a tea person.

 

Check out Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. 

[MIchael80]

Hi shortstuff!

 

IT IS best to Not View awakening AS a escape....IT can be used for it but with the Same devastating results AS in the unawake state.

Everything that Happens to US is required....Not what we want....but required. IT IS Not about what Happens, but what the external Event is triggering within us (what words, pictures and Feelings).

Therapy can be useful in the beginning as IT has a stabilizing effect....but IT does Not solve Things AS IT IS Not a disolving Work.

What you need to learn is Not escapeing Your Experience but fully Meeting IT. 

To learn that I would suggest Reading Michael Browns the presence process ....but Not doing IT...and watching some of His vids.

And Look into Scott Kilobys living inquries...but Same here ..do Not do them alone....Work with a living inquries fascilitator together to untangle that huge negativ Charge within....then the outer live will Change for the better and you will realize Life was never against you, but was Just trying to geht Your attention.

All the best 

Michael

[Jessup2]

On 10/6/2017 at 10:50 AM, JohnC said:

 

As if my mind/body were attempting to keep the equilibrium of my current state, which I was trying to change.

 

 

 

I agree with the "dent" or "comfort" position of safety. The bundle of awareness, our senses, are very aware of sudden movement in energy, and too fast or too sudden can certainly create very damaging consequences, like a complete breakdown of, or expansion and death of, your person. As in slingshot effect, bounce, sudden illumination of too many fibers of energy at the same time...

 

There are many "safe" practices in literature and studies. Most of them involve practices and movement in the mind first, or in your dreams, or in meditation. There you can create a dent first, a safe place to bundle your attention, and properly bind up enough fibers of energy to keep things safe and solid. The practices of "not doing" appear to help untangle the attention from all previous bundles and dents. Keeping things from becoming polluted or cross-contaminated, and letting the safety system relax since it is a familiar and safe spot to be.

 

So in Tao, I presume this is the dantian? Being compressed chi, yin/yang, or a bundle of energy fibers that match external fibers, a dent in the sphere of light we are composed of. Moving that dent is limited. So you create another compressed zone in another location, and that dent has then a limited range of motion and depth. I presume some panic and resistance will happen also if you try to move the bundle past limitations, when instead you should be jumping from one dent, to the next dent.

 

From my understanding, creating safe "dents" to practice in, and slowly but surely marching yourself away from one consolidated energy cluster "dent" to the next "dent" in an orderly fashion will help keep you sane, and safe. To do this without losing the self means that the self has to be minimal. Enough self to keep you conscious mind/awareness together, but not so much self that it clings to the usual position and energy flow with everything it can throw at you, which would be your basic survival items, hunger, thirst, sex drive, emotional outbursts, pains... whatever it can do to stop you. This is what it does, this is the job. To protect and keep us safe. To keep the energy from expanding into forever. To keep us in one bundle, one place, one safe position, one time and space connection.

 

When the tiger eats another animal, we don't get angry at the tiger for being a tiger...

 

Stay forever fluid my friends

 

[Jessup2]

 

[Jessup2]

 

[Jessup2]

 

[Gerard]

Enlightenment Intensives?

 

And people paying for this.

 

This must be a joke, right?

 

Please walk away from that and from anyone claiming or selling enlightenment.

 

You need a real life teacher, someone with real knowledge, experience and with a good heart who can empower you and help you get out from the mess you are in. 

 

Why don’t you take up an Internal Martial Art:

 

https://rumsoakedfist.org/viewforum.php?f=4&sid=dd75255df1c15c81e410bc10e71a8bb2

 

It’s actually the best way of healing yourself. It is how I and many others started walking on this path.

 

I wish you the very best of luck, dear friend.  

Edited December 18, 2017 by Gerard

[Jessup2]

By the way, most of the time, Austism, Asperges and Dyspraxia means you may have a high natural content of bufotenin. The studies show it in poo content mainly, and they have no source yet. So it is assumed that it is somehow being manufactured in your large intestine and being reabsorbed. Probably dietary combined with particular bacteria, or even Archae, which most of us are missing these days. I have a spreadsheet someplace showing the differences between healthy controls and many different conditions, and many diseases. It is always visible in the bacteria household.

If you are interested, let me know. I could save you from taking the wrong type of probiotics and feeding it in the wrong direction.

 

If you Google that, see the links below also, you will see that it makes you very special, but it is much more difficult to release the mind or change levels.

I was looking for an antidote for some time, but failed to find a good one. However, you can try to use activated charcoal sparingly, or some other substance to help absorb it so it can't leak through into the body. I presume that like most austistic folks, you have special abilities whether or not you have discovered them yet. And that your genetics allows for this bufotenin production. In addition, there is often a tyrosine and tryptophan processing issue, causing an abundance of some neurotoxic substances. It is best then to avoid high levels of it, such as seafood and most meats. Your body will use any tryptophan or tyrosine to produce both the drug and the toxins. These are what then cause the altered state of mind and the sometimes awkward social responses, or lack of control, and super focus, etc. Basically, you might just be too high. The charcoal will take some of that and bring you down.

I hope that helps...

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Enzo_Emanuele/publication/41425283_Elevated_urine_levels_of_bufotenine_in_patients_with_autistic_spectrum_disorders_and_schizophrenia/links/543f720a0cf2eaec07e81823.pdf

 

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0924933813000217

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17631869