Fighting Apathy

[westenra]

Hey folks.

 

So, long story short, I really like the creative arts. I've DJ-ed, made films, made music, you name it, and I've tried to make money off them all, with varying success. Recently, I've had to go into full time employment for my parents (bills, not really my choice), and this year as a whole I've been pretty depressed. I've been getting a lot better within myself, but I'm faced with the same problem I've had all my life - I never really invest in anything.

 

I abandon things when they no longer make me happy. I live off feelings of euphoria, elation etc, but real life isn't like that. I struggle to find consistent drive and motivation, so I've often been late to my full time jobs. This culminated in me being fired from a temporary job today. It was an office admin job, and it was boring as hell, and I guess I just coasted by with my intelligence.

 

My question is, in all seriousness, how do I do this life thing? I am naturally an odd person, I enjoy large amounts of intellectual stimulation and I feel like I'm actually growing more unforgiving and impatient with age. I feel deeply bored and dissatisfied. Outside of hedonistic sensory pleasures, I really don't see the point in life.

 

Taoism connects with me a lot, so I was wondering if some people with more experience cultivating it could shine a light on my situation. I'm not even sad, just a little... Dead.

[thelerner]

One word, Plastics.  No, that's not right, the one word is Compartmentalize. 

 

Do, what you gotta do to survive.  Work the boring job, and train yourself not to complain internally or out.  When the clock strikes whatever, do your thing, have your fun, live your free life, preferably on healthy terms.  I'll add the more needed marketable skills you have the more options you get. 

 

You can be dragged screaming and fighting into this, or you can surrender to the reality of Western life.  Think of yourself as two people the worker bee who 'does it for the money' and the hedonist.  You can keep your eyes open for a dream job, but ultimately most jobs get pretty tedious. 

 

This one goes out to you and all the other dreamers Westenra

 

It's not all bleak, there is a 5 o'clock world where you can do you thing, and have your fun.  As we get older we don't have to put away all our childish things, but we do have to postpone them while we make a living. 

Edited December 5, 2017 by thelerner

[Maddie]

My advice (because I've seen it actually work for myself and others time after time) is mindfulness. The idea is to see these things in the mind for what they are as we experience them and to know and understand them. When the mind truly understands what ever it is that is making us unhappy it lets go of it. The problem ultimately is delusion or ignorance.

 

There are multiple ways to practice mindfulness but the way I have found to be very effective for me is the noting or labeling method Yuttadhamo Bhikkhu teaches. The way it is done is to mentally note what ever it is you are feeling or experiencing the most during the present moment. So for example if you are at a job and you find it boring then instead of thinking "oh I hate this damn job, this sucks, this job is the worst" rather just say to yourself in your mind "boring, boring, boring, boring" or "dislike, dislike, dislike" or what ever word you feel bests fits what you are feeling. As you are labeling it pay attention to how it actually feels to be bored or to dislike it, rather than getting caught up in the mental chatter of how much you don't like the job and such. 

 

What this does over time is brings understanding to the mind that this state of dislike is not making me happy, and when the mind begins to understand that it begins to let go. The only reason your mind dislikes what ever it dislikes (or likes) is because it mistakenly believes that what ever it is doing is the best way to deal with it in order to make you happy. When it realizes that the disliking in and of itself IS the unhappiness then it lets go and the suffering ends. 

 

I hope my explanation helps. Also be patient with it as it takes time, patience and persistence. 

 

[Stosh]

There may not be a cure for 'dead'.

[Zhongyongdaoist]

It sounds to me that you may be somewhat Bi-polar and depending on how serous it is mere meditation and mindfulness may not help, however in my personal experience there are Chinese herbal ways to deal with this type of thing and I wish that they had been available and I that had possessed the knowledge to use them much earlier in my life.

 

Since you say that you like intellectual challenges take on the challenge of learning Chinese Herbalism, the best place to begin is the Book Between Heaven and Earth, which aside from being a good introduction to Chinese medicine with a special slant to using herbs, also has a very comprehensive self-evaluation questionnaire which will help you get a handle on where you stand from the Chinese medical perspective and how it might tie in with your mood swings.

 

Whatever you do, good luck.

 

ZYD

[liminal_luke]

7 hours ago, westenra said:

Hey folks.

 

So, long story short, I really like the creative arts. I've DJ-ed, made films, made music, you name it, and I've tried to make money off them all, with varying success.

 

Liking the creative arts is a great sign.  You may indeed be depressed but you can identify something that fulfills you deeply so things could be worse.  Deeply depressed people can`t identify anything that they like.  This also points to the obvious way out of your doldrums -- do more of these things that are speaking your creative language.  Now, making a living as an artist of any kind iisn`t easy. (Recommended book: Art and Fear.)  It might be that you can`t entirely make a living right now doing any of those thing but someday.  Some people do make money this way so why not you? It won`t be easy, as you know  It will be a hell of a lot of work, but it will be worth it because art is inherently meaningful. And not just meaningful in a hedonistic give-me-pleasure kind of way, but meaningful in a putting your vision out into the world kind of way -- totally different animal. I believe some people are put on this earth to create, and you might be one of them. If so, this is what you`ve got to do.  You might be poor for awhile: do it anyway.    

7 hours ago, westenra said:

 

Recently, I've had to go into full time employment for my parents (bills, not really my choice), and this year as a whole I've been pretty depressed. 

 

We`re hardwired for freedom.  If you`re doing something that`s "not really your choice" you`re not likely to be happy doing it.  If it`s for your parents, and not for you, you`re not gonna be overjoyed either.  In Zapchen, a somatic wellness practice, there are a lot of practices around "objecting."  We generally put up with a whole lot in life we don`t like without objecting, without saying NO.  Suppressing our objection to things that are objectionable (like full-time employment in a boring environment that we wouldn`t choose for the purpose of paying somebody else`s bills) can make us depressed, or worse.  The way to stop feeling dead is to object, forcefully.  And then go to work if that`s what you have to do.  This is something you can do privately, as a somatic exercise: it`s not about complaining to anybody else.

 

Ways to object: stomp your feet and say no; make raspberries with your lips by blowing through through them while they are lightly closed; or horselips, blowing through your lips and letting them vibrate so that they make a sound somewhat like a dissatisfied horse. Journal about how much it sucks.  Whatever you do, don`t let your anger go unvoiced.

[Mudfoot]

@liminal_luke Good post! Can't agree more. Feeling trapped in a situation puts you in a risk of hopeless surrender. 

 

If you feel yourself stoop more, straighten up and look ahead. A collapsed body structure will enhance all those negative emotions. 

[westenra]

11 hours ago, Zhongyongdaoist said:

It sounds to me that you may be somewhat Bi-polar and depending on how serous it is mere meditation and mindfulness may not help, however in my personal experience there are Chinese herbal ways to deal with this type of thing and I wish that they had been available and I that had possessed the knowledge to use them much earlier in my life.

 

Since you say that you like intellectual challenges take on the challenge of learning Chinese Herbalism, the best place to begin is the Book Between Heaven and Earth, which aside from being a good introduction to Chinese medicine with a special slant to using herbs, also has a very comprehensive self-evaluation questionnaire which will help you get a handle on where you stand from the Chinese medical perspective and how it might tie in with your mood swings.

 

Whatever you do, good luck.

 

ZYD

 

@Zhongyongdaoist, what of my situation reminded you of Bi-polar disorder? I've never heard that before so I'm pretty surprised! Never really felt any kind of personal resonance when I read the symptoms of it before.

[westenra]

Thanks for the great words so far folks. I'm gonna keep coming back to this thread for focus

[Zhongyongdaoist]

20 hours ago, westenra said:

Hey folks.

 

So, long story short, I really like the creative arts. I've DJ-ed, made films, made music, you name it, and I've tried to make money off them all, with varying success. Recently, I've had to go into full time employment for my parents (bills, not really my choice), and this year as a whole I've been pretty depressed. I've been getting a lot better within myself, but I'm faced with the same problem I've had all my life - I never really invest in anything.

 

I abandon things when they no longer make me happy. I live off feelings of euphoria, elation etc, but real life isn't like that. I struggle to find consistent drive and motivation, so I've often been late to my full time jobs. This culminated in me being fired from a temporary job today. It was an office admin job, and it was boring as hell, and I guess I just coasted by with my intelligence.

 

My question is, in all seriousness, how do I do this life thing? I am naturally an odd person, I enjoy large amounts of intellectual stimulation and I feel like I'm actually growing more unforgiving and impatient with age. I feel deeply bored and dissatisfied. Outside of hedonistic sensory pleasures, I really don't see the point in life.

 

Taoism connects with me a lot, so I was wondering if some people with more experience cultivating it could shine a light on my situation. I'm not even sad, just a little... Dead. (Emphasis added ZYD)

 

Admittedly not much to go on which is why I said:

 

12 hours ago, Zhongyongdaoist said:

It sounds to me that you may be somewhat Bi-polar and depending on how serous it is mere meditation and mindfulness may not help, however in my personal experience there are Chinese herbal ways to deal with this type of thing and I wish that they had been available and I that had possessed the knowledge to use them much earlier in my life.

 

Since you say that you like intellectual challenges take on the challenge of learning Chinese Herbalism, the best place to begin is the Book Between Heaven and Earth, which aside from being a good introduction to Chinese medicine with a special slant to using herbs, also has a very comprehensive self-evaluation questionnaire which will help you get a handle on where you stand from the Chinese medical perspective and how it might tie in with your mood swings.

 

Whatever you do, good luck.

 

ZYD

(Emphasis added ZYD)

 

In other words you have just written a couple of paragraphs, not a detailed discussion, however there are somethings that look like Bi-polar in it.  You are young and so you haven't had time to see if alternations in mood are part of a larger pattern, and it is certainly easy enough to see that you find the idea of a life of office work a "depressing" perspective and chalk it up to that, but if there is something else going on, then now is the time to examine it, before it ruins the rest of your life.  So I am simply suggesting that it may be something to look at.

 

Right now I am having a little trouble with my computer display, so this is all that I can say now.  I hope that it clarifies my concerns somewhat.

 

ZYD

[joeblast]

14 hours ago, Stosh said:

There may not be a cure for 'dead'.

 

[Aetherous]

First step: watch "The Pursuit of Happyness" on Netflix.

[doc benway]

On 12/5/2017 at 11:20 AM, westenra said:

Hey folks.

 

So, long story short, I really like the creative arts. I've DJ-ed, made films, made music, you name it, and I've tried to make money off them all, with varying success. Recently, I've had to go into full time employment for my parents (bills, not really my choice), and this year as a whole I've been pretty depressed. I've been getting a lot better within myself, but I'm faced with the same problem I've had all my life - I never really invest in anything.

 

I abandon things when they no longer make me happy. I live off feelings of euphoria, elation etc, but real life isn't like that. I struggle to find consistent drive and motivation, so I've often been late to my full time jobs. This culminated in me being fired from a temporary job today. It was an office admin job, and it was boring as hell, and I guess I just coasted by with my intelligence.

 

My question is, in all seriousness, how do I do this life thing? I am naturally an odd person, I enjoy large amounts of intellectual stimulation and I feel like I'm actually growing more unforgiving and impatient with age. I feel deeply bored and dissatisfied. Outside of hedonistic sensory pleasures, I really don't see the point in life.

 

Taoism connects with me a lot, so I was wondering if some people with more experience cultivating it could shine a light on my situation. I'm not even sad, just a little... Dead.

 

You're overstimulated, you're learning that none of that tech or self indulgence gives you any lasting contentment.

I would suggest you try to spend some quiet time in nature.

No 4 wheelers, no ziplines, no laptop or iphone, no drugs, no novels or manga, maybe a book by Annie Dillard or some poetry if you have to have some distraction - hard to go cold turkey.

Maybe find someone to teach you some basic meditation.

Maybe try a week long retreat.

You need to turn your focus in the right direction.

You won't find it online.

Disconnect from the matrix a bit and connect with people, animals... life.

And get back to your art!

 

 

 

 

Edited December 7, 2017 by steve

[Goldleaf]

Westerna, I'm pretty much exactly like you.  I even used to leave my studies til the last minute and still get a passing grade because of my intelligence. (ANd then wish I hadn't, so I could get an A!)

 

In some ways it is a curse, you see the shallowness in things (besides creative / spontaneous things like music / nature / art), but have you ever considered it as a blessing?  Because it might lead you to search for something more in life, to feel something deeper. 

 

Maybe feeling dead is what will lead you to actually feel truly alive.

 

Also keep in mind that we are all learners on the journey of life, we are all clueless! Some are just better at pretending than others!!  

 

As said by the wonderful folks above, destimulating can be great.  Do you know how to stop thinking at willl?  Relaxing your mind will not only help you enjoy simple things, but also give you powerful benefits from your daily meditation / chi kung practice which will help you stay energised and fresh for your work, to support your beautiful parents who spend so much of their life to raise you into this world

 

Also, plant a carrot, get a carrot, have you heard this phrase??  Short-term gratification is fleeting, whereas when you take your time to invest in something, sure, the rewards won't come immediately, but when they do, they will be immense.  Like planting a carrot will give you a whole crop of carrot plants. You just need the discipline to water it and let it grow.

 

You will find work again.  Maybe if not in an ideal field, what about using your creativity and intelligence to learn say, a counselling course and become a counsellor?  (They earn just as much a psychiatrist per year).  I'd bet good money you'd be good at this, and you'd also be able to use your mind in some creative ways, to develop new stratgies for helping your clients heal themsleves.  Also do you know how good it feels to help people improve themselves?  I helpd a disabled person withdraw money a month ago, and I was blissed out and humbled for the whole morning.

 

Just remember to have that disciple and persistence so once you start something you damn well finish it and reap the rewards and it will get easier from there.  Best wishes.

Edited December 9, 2017 by Goldleaf