My mother passed away... how it was different from my father's passing.

[Aaron]

It's been about a month since my mother passed away. It was surreal. I almost got killed the day after by an angry semi truck driver that tried to drive me off the road as I drove up to get her belongings from the nursing home. I had grown distant from my mother over the last few years, but a couple months ago I found out she was dying from cancer and reached out to her to make my own amends. I was able to do all of that, which made it that much easier when she finally did pass. 

 

So this is the thing, I don't believe in heaven or an "after life", nor do I believe we can without a doubt prove that reincarnation exists. I'm agnostic at best, maybe I lean a bit more towards the atheist side, however, I don't grieve for her. The reason being that I know, regardless, she's not suffering and she was suffering. People can argue the "sanctity of human life" but until you see someone suffering immensely you don't realize how much of a blessing death can be. My greatest and only regret, was not being there at the end. I didn't want her to be alone in that moment, not because I wanted to spend those last minutes with her, but because I didn't want her to die suffering and alone, I wanted her to know she had people that loved her at that time. Again that's my only regret, and If I could've been there I would've, however I had surgery the week before she passed and was still suffering from complications.

 

The night I found out she had passed there was an odd peace. It's hard to explain, a bit of sadness, but more of an emotional silence. I loved my mother, but my time as a Taoist/Buddhist/hindi/etc. has taught me that even though I think she's gone, she's not really gone. She may very well never have been here in the first place, so putting the time and energy into grieving for her does nothing to bring her back and does nothing to ease my own suffering, nor does it somehow quantify how much I cared for her, so if I am truly being compassionate towards her and myself, then learning to let her go and let myself move on should be my goal.  

 

So, how was this different from my father's passing? Well he passed when I was much younger (twenty-one) and I had only just begun to read about Taoism. Attachment was the norm and compassion, especially towards myself, wasn't something I  really understood. I was devastated when he passed. I had been living with him at that time and had actually argued with him the night before. My greatest regret at that time was that I thought he had died thinking I was angry or hated him. In retrospect I realize that he knew better. However the memory of those emotions, of that feeling of loss, comes back even now, which is strange, because he was also dying from cancer, he just never told anyone, and you would think I would feel relieved for his passing.

 

So the difference, I guess, is that knowing my place in this world and my relationship to other people has allowed me to accept this as not a loss, but a blessing for my mother. Whereas my still undeveloped mind was unable to accept the death of my father, due to my inability to understand the nature of death at that time. Both deaths were blessings, and if anyone suffered from those deaths, it was not my parents, but their loved ones, and of course, me. 

 

Oh that's the other thing, both my parents passed away from lung cancer. You can guess what habit I gave up. 

 

I just thought I'd share, because this is one of those universal experiences and I thought maybe these observations might help someone else.

Edited June 1, 2018 by Aaron

[Mig]

1 hour ago, Aaron said:

It's been about a month since my mother passed away. It was surreal. I almost got killed the day after by an angry semi truck driver that tried to drive me off the road as I drove up to get her belongings from the nursing home. I had grown distant from my mother over the last few years, but a couple months ago I found out she was dying from cancer and reached out to her to make my own amends. I was able to do all of that, which made it that much easier when she finally did pass. 

 

So this is the thing, I don't believe in heaven or an "after life", nor do I believe we can without a doubt prove that reincarnation exists. I'm agnostic at best, maybe I lean a bit more towards the atheist side, however, I don't grieve for her. The reason being that I know, regardless, she's not suffering and she was suffering. People can argue the "sanctity of human life" but until you see someone suffering immensely you don't realize how much of a blessing death can be. My greatest and only regret, was not being there at the end. I didn't want her to be alone in that moment, not because I wanted to spend those last minutes with her, but because I didn't want her to die suffering and alone, I wanted her to know she had people that loved her at that time. Again that's my only regret, and If I could've been there I would've, however I had surgery the week before she passed and was still suffering from complications.

 

The night I found out she had passed there was an odd peace. It's hard to explain, a bit of sadness, but more of an emotional silence. I loved my mother, but my time as a Taoist/Buddhist/hindi/etc. has taught me that even though I think she's gone, she's not really gone. She may very well never have been here in the first place, so putting the time and energy into grieving for her does nothing to bring her back and does nothing to ease my own suffering, nor does it somehow quantify how much I cared for her, so if I am truly being compassionate towards her and myself, then learning to let her go and let myself move on should be my goal.  

 

So, how was this different from my father's passing? Well he passed when I was much younger (twenty-one) and I had only just begun to read about Taoism. Attachment was the norm and compassion, especially towards myself, wasn't something I  really understood. I was devastated when he passed. I had been living with him at that time and had actually argued with him the night before. My greatest regret at that time was that I thought he had died thinking I was angry or hated him. In retrospect I realize that he knew better. However the memory of those emotions, of that feeling of loss, comes back even now, which is strange, because he was also dying from cancer, he just never told anyone, and you would think I would feel relieved for his passing.

 

So the difference, I guess, is that knowing my place in this world and my relationship to other people has allowed me to accept this as not a loss, but a blessing for my mother. Whereas my still undeveloped mind was unable to accept the death of my father, due to my inability to understand the nature of death at that time. Both deaths were blessings, and if anyone suffered from those deaths, it was not my parents, but their loved ones, and of course, me. 

 

Oh that's the other thing, both my parents passed away from lung cancer. You can guess what habit I gave up. 

 

I just thought I'd share, because this is one of those universal experiences and I thought maybe these observations might help someone else.

 

So sorry to hear about both losses. It is a loss and we all feel something, a void or something because that soul is no longer here. What I am finding out as we age, is that each loss is more of a loss for those who still live in this world and I realize once we are gone, we are gone. It is nice to hear all the religious excuses or tales to make us feel better but at the end of the trip there is no purgatory nor heaven, it is the end of the cycle and the beginning of a recycling process. Some are gone at early age, some later and some when they get old for different reasons and the process has been the same since we know we have existed in this world. IMO you shouldn't regret anything, you did what you only knew and what you could.

[Nungali]

I just returned from my own mothers funeral held on friday.     I had a few false alarms " You better get down here, she is on her way out." then the next morning she is sitting up in bed having a cup of tea and asking what all the fuss is about.

 

I got another warning on  monday but she died on tuesday night.    My elder brothers eulogy was great, heard stuff I never knew about.

 

Mine was off the cuff, seemed to please the congregation but the catholic priest maybe didnt agree with it .

 

One thing that impressed me, my brother was saying how he was a primary school teacher and he worked in some pretty rough  areas with abused kids. One kid would come to school very early ( to get away from the home situation)  and he would find him, in winter with tattered clothes huddled up near the door waiting and  shivering. So he went and bought him some thick flannelette  shirts, one for each day, and would give him a clean one and take the old one home to wash for him, mum would wash and iron them for him. he said one day he noticed a lump in the folded shirt and opened it, in the pocket was a 'freddo frog'  , chocolate. She had been slipping in treats for the kid, Eventually it  graduated to biscuits and sandwiches.  Then she  found out,  of off my brother , some never celebrated their birthday or the parents didnt acknowledge  their own kids birthdays  ( wtf ! ? ) so she got him to get their dates off the schools record and would make a cake for him to take to school  and they would have a little birthday party there . 

 

Thats a mum for ya ! 

 

My dad died when I was around 17 .... yes very different expereinces because of my age difference .. but I came after to appreciate him more .

 

You know that  (supposed) Mark Twain quote  : 

 

" When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. "

 

[Aaron]

5 hours ago, Nungali said:

I just returned from my own mothers funeral held on friday.     I had a few false alarms " You better get down here, she is on her way out." then the next morning she is sitting up in bed having a cup of tea and asking what all the fuss is about.

 

I got another warning on  monday but she died on tuesday night.    My elder brothers eulogy was great, heard stuff I never knew about.

 

Mine was off the cuff, seemed to please the congregation but the catholic priest maybe didnt agree with it .

 

One thing that impressed me, my brother was saying how he was a primary school teacher and he worked in some pretty rough  areas with abused kids. One kid would come to school very early ( to get away from the home situation)  and he would find him, in winter with tattered clothes huddled up near the door waiting and  shivering. So he went and bought him some thick flannelette  shirts, one for each day, and would give him a clean one and take the old one home to wash for him, mum would wash and iron them for him. he said one day he noticed a lump in the folded shirt and opened it, in the pocket was a 'freddo frog'  , chocolate. She had been slipping in treats for the kid, Eventually it  graduated to biscuits and sandwiches.  Then she  found out,  of off my brother , some never celebrated their birthday or the parents didnt acknowledge  their own kids birthdays  ( wtf ! ? ) so she got him to get their dates off the schools record and would make a cake for him to take to school  and they would have a little birthday party there . 

 

Thats a mum for ya ! 

 

My dad died when I was around 17 .... yes very different expereinces because of my age difference .. but I came after to appreciate him more .

 

You know that  (supposed) Mark Twain quote  : 

 

" When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. "

 

 

Thank you for sharing, it was appreciated. I wish you well. 

[Limahong]

On 6/1/2018 at 12:45 PM, Aaron said:

My greatest regret at that time was that I thought he had died thinking I was angry or hated him. In retrospect I realize that he knew better.

 

On 6/1/2018 at 2:07 PM, Mig said:

IMO you shouldn't regret anything, you did what you only knew and what you could.

 

On 6/3/2018 at 6:33 AM, Nungali said:

My dad died when I was around 17 .... yes very different experiences because of my age difference .. but I came after to appreciate him more.

 

Hi All,

 

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years" - Mark Twain

 

Guess that is/was DAD to more than a few. Today (17 June 2018) is his day:

 

 

 

 

- LimA

[Fa Xin]

I have heard about and witnessed many times people prefer to die alone. They wait until you leave the room to finally leave (even if you spend hours with them, and get up to use the bathroom...). Something to ponder...

 

There is for sure a strange peace after someone close to you dies. I’m not exactly sure why it happens, but I consider it quite an amazing gift. 

[Limahong]

7 minutes ago, Fa Xin said:

Something to ponder...

 

Hi Fa Xin,

 

I had experienced the contrary - and I recalled this:

 

 

Just for sharing.

 

- LimA

[Fa Xin]

27 minutes ago, Limahong said:

 

Hi Fa Xin,

 

I had experienced the contrary - and I recalled this:

 

 

Just for sharing.

 

- LimA

True - I guess it depends on the person. 😊

[daojones]

My mom passed away last year.
 

I've been dealing with insane other issues, and haven't had the ability and state of mind to deal with it as I've just been consumed by winning my other battles.

I've been doing a bit better recently and wanted to start dealing with my mom's death, but I don't even know how to start.

Reading your post made me feel less alone on this issue. Thanks.