How to deal a relationship

[Mig]

Just wondering about what people have done or doing on a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety and depression. It is quite known that the person who suffers from depression and anxiety sometimes any reaction can happen without knowing or realizing what he/she did wrong. Most of the time, the person who suffers from those mental issues, take medication to calm down but as everything else there is a side effect. It seems that mindfulness, relaxation, marijuana, breathing and exercises can help but that's just one part of the equation. How do you deal with that type of person in a (loving) relationship?

[Kar3n]

Communication is key. Learning to talk to and listen to one another without judgement and 100% honesty is vital.

 

Take a look at transactional analysis. The goal is to be the adult, however we all fall into being the critical parent and sometimes even the child from time to time. Being able to identify these states in yourselves will help tremendously.

 

Seek out a therapist that you can see together and separately.

 

 

[Mig]

6 hours ago, Kar3n said:

Communication is key. Learning to talk to and listen to one another without judgement and 100% honesty is vital.

 

Take a look at transactional analysis. The goal is to be the adult, however we all fall into being the critical parent and sometimes even the child from time to time. Being able to identify these states in yourselves will help tremendously.

 

Seek out a therapist that you can see together and separately.

 

 

Thanks so much and keep hearing communication, communication. The goal to be adult is far from being easy especially when your partner has been conditioned to a certain type including anorexia, drinking, image distortion. It seems that there is more than communication as if there are two individuals and both have to work out a plan. Being compassionate is not enough and the other person needs to do their part. It is true that medication is necessary when coming to a point where the person can not handle her moods but being consistent to medication is essential until the person has some balance in her life, better nutrition, more exercises, better job and most important learning how to cope and move on. Mindfulness is necessary, relaxation really helps and when the partners starts to learn the ropes then start thinking in minimizing medication and look after natural remedies or options. As for 100% honesty, I think on paper is good but in real life is a different reality. Some people will make themselves believe something that may not be true and will make believe others it is true. As an example, she used to tell people that one apple and yogurt was enough meal for one day and even doctors believed her. Typically the result will be seizures episodes, lack of calcium and empty stomach. When she started eating better then episodes were not as severe and today she has less episodes-seizures and the recovery time is much faster than ever. Regarding therapist, there is not much they can do. I believe in having a plan with tools to help people out. We several therapist and most of the time were not competent for her case. It is not easy and sometimes frustrating.

[RiverSnake]

Trying to change your partner (positively or negatively) is usually a dead end. 

[Kar3n]

Finding the right therapist can be difficult, but once you do they can help.

 

It is important to approach her truths as her own. There is no requirement for you to and vise versa. Finding a middle ground where the two of you can let go of some of your fears, frustration and anger, at each other and yourselves, so that you can discuss her illness and the effects it has on you as individuals and as a couple is not easy, takes courage, compassion and time. An open dialogue without judgement will open doors for both of you and a good therapist, in my opinion, can help the two of you reach that place.

 

Remember you can't fix her or govern her actions. You can only do that for yourself and doing ao will help you both.

 

Eating disorders are terrible and I can not imagine watching someone I love suffer from one. I will remember the two of you in my prayers and wish for your and her healing.

 

 

 

[joeblast]

13 hours ago, Mig said:

Just wondering about what people have done or doing on a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety and depression. It is quite known that the person who suffers from depression and anxiety sometimes any reaction can happen without knowing or realizing what he/she did wrong. Most of the time, the person who suffers from those mental issues, take medication to calm down but as everything else there is a side effect. It seems that mindfulness, relaxation, marijuana, breathing and exercises can help but that's just one part of the equation. How do you deal with that type of person in a (loving) relationship?

If I knew what Paxil was back then, I'd have raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

[Mig]

8 hours ago, StormHealer said:

Trying to change your partner (positively or negatively) is usually a dead end. 

It's not about changing but helping out. She knows she has to work on basic stuff. She excels in her professional life but in her personal life it was different. I think the person or partner needs to learn how to communicate and again it's far from easy. 

[Mig]

3 hours ago, Kar3n said:

Finding the right therapist can be difficult, but once you do they can help.

 

It is important to approach her truths as her own. There is no requirement for you to and vise versa. Finding a middle ground where the two of you can let go of some of your fears, frustration and anger, at each other and yourselves, so that you can discuss her illness and the effects it has on you as individuals and as a couple is not easy, takes courage, compassion and time. An open dialogue without judgement will open doors for both of you and a good therapist, in my opinion, can help the two of you reach that place.

 

Remember you can't fix her or govern her actions. You can only do that for yourself and doing ao will help you both.

 

Eating disorders are terrible and I can not imagine watching someone I love suffer from one. I will remember the two of you in my prayers and wish for your and her healing.

 

 

 

Thanks so much. The hardest part was to understand how a person can fall that low and still in real life she looks normal. Not that she's not normal but was able to hide all the mental, emotional and mood behavior.

[Fa Xin]

try not to get mad with them ... make sure to provide a lot of space if you can. I don’t mean physical space- but non judging acceptance... 

[thelerner]

Pick up a healthy habit, change the rudder a few degrees and in time you're in new better place. 

 

Let your partner know that You personally need some rituals in your life.  That this is very important to you.  In the morning and at night, you want some bitter(herbal?) tea and a cup of whole fat yogurt (don't mention the whole fat part).  The actual food isn't as important as something whole and caloric.  Avocados are great.  

 

To add spirituality to your life, you want to eat a snack mindfully, quietly twice a day.  You've heard it rejuvenates the soul, creates balance.  A way of spirituality from inside out.  That people who try it, even force themselves to do it, for one month see vast improvements of mind and body.  And that its a spiritual quest that's important to you and you need to do it with a partner.  One month.

 

Nobody likes being told what to do.  Or that they are wrong or have a problem.  So instead frame it as a 30 day gong, a test of tenacity and perseverance.  Dine with a candle, nice dishes and cups.  This is where the Chinese and Japanese have a spiritual decorum we lack.  Bringing a spirituality into the mundane plates and cups.  Make it special. 

 

Eating should be spiritual, but in our culture it's hard.  But perhaps for 2 snacks a day.  You can work to bring that spirituality back, til even the peeling of a small orange becomes a beautiful even sensual thing.  

 

If you get buy in, add some fruit preserves to the yogurt.  Try different types.  Most importantly get into the habit of eating mindfully.  If you go the avocado rout, see how different spices affect the taste, different breads; I like sprouted breads and store them in the freezer for freshness and longevity. 

 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2018 by thelerner

[Mig]

14 hours ago, Fa Xin said:

try not to get mad with them ... make sure to provide a lot of space if you can. I don’t mean physical space- but non judging acceptance... 

Thanks for your thoughts. Non judging is certainly a way to interact with each other. The problem is having bad habits and trying to correct those bad habits is a task and she may feel being criticized or she thinks she doing something wrong. So what options do I have?

[Fa Xin]

5 minutes ago, Mig said:

Thanks for your thoughts. Non judging is certainly a way to interact with each other. The problem is having bad habits and trying to correct those bad habits is a task and she may feel being criticized or she thinks she doing something wrong. So what options do I have?

Ultimately she will have to want to change herself - you can’t force her to do that. Being supportive, reminding her you want her to be healthy, suggesting and exploring options. Ask her what she needs from you. 

[Mig]

38 minutes ago, Fa Xin said:

Ultimately she will have to want to change herself - you can’t force her to do that. Being supportive, reminding her you want her to be healthy, suggesting and exploring options. Ask her what she needs from you. 

She knows she wants to change herself and she's improved very much. You have it right about her needs where it needs more probing to find out what exactly are her needs. Sometimes her or even me, the needs are not even clear. More work on ourselves, I guess. Thanks for your input.

[Mig]

4 hours ago, thelerner said:

Pick up a healthy habit, change the rudder a few degrees and in time you're in new better place. 

 

Let your partner know that You personally need some rituals in your life.  That this is very important to you.  In the morning and at night, you want some bitter(herbal?) tea and a cup of whole fat yogurt (don't mention the whole fat part).  The actual food isn't as important as something whole and caloric.  Avocados are great.  

 

To add spirituality to your life, you want to eat a snack mindfully, quietly twice a day.  You've heard it rejuvenates the soul, creates balance.  A way of spirituality from inside out.  That people who try it, even force themselves to do it, for one month see vast improvements of mind and body.  And that its a spiritual quest that's important to you and you need to do it with a partner.  One month.

 

Nobody likes being told what to do.  Or that they are wrong or have a problem.  So instead frame it as a 30 day gong, a test of tenacity and perseverance.  Dine with a candle, nice dishes and cups.  This is where the Chinese and Japanese have a spiritual decorum we lack.  Bringing a spirituality into the mundane plates and cups.  Make it special. 

 

Eating should be spiritual, but in our culture it's hard.  But perhaps for 2 snacks a day.  You can work to bring that spirituality back, til even the peeling of a small orange becomes a beautiful even sensual thing.  

 

If you get buy in, add some fruit preserves to the yogurt.  Try different types.  Most importantly get into the habit of eating mindfully.  If you go the avocado rout, see how different spices affect the taste, different breads; I like sprouted breads and store them in the freezer for freshness and longevity. 

 

 

 

Excellent, excellent advice. I sincerely appreciate it. It seems that you are familiar with this kind of situations. What I am learning is that a relationship is more than a relationship. The help of a therapist is not really a help or guidance as the therapist doesn't live the situation day to day and maybe is not familiar of what it is to suffer from depression and anxiety. It is interesting what you just wrote as some of it we are already doing and of course, I am a master of nothing so the learning curve is far from easy.  As you said, nobody likes being told what to do and I am not l am not clear about the spiritual and well habit?? I learned to replace negative thoughts with 3 positive actions, she can see the negative thoughts but it is hard for her to replace them even if they are true positive statements about her and supported by other people. The negative thoughts still remain there.

[thelerner]

When life sucks.. its hard.  Worse we create an invisible hell for ourselves by reliving the experience over and over in our thoughts,  adding stories of greater personal hurt each time.  It's bad enough life sucks, but somehow we carry around a perverse self torturer in our heads.

 

So.. disrupt the torturer.  Recognize it for what it is.  Take a walk, real quietly, feel each foot step, listen to nature.  Or the opposite, listen to music- the blues, or hard rock, or something that resonates.  Here's another things I'll do, listen to guided meditation.  I've got a couple in a thread I started.  Here are some of my favorites for quieting the mind.  Often they help, but not always.  Sometimes we slog through days, swinging on vines of hope, knowing tomorrow's coming and it may be better. 

On 12/22/2017 at 2:18 PM, thelerner said:

There are some excellent guided meditations around. 

 

For the first one I present Barry Long, a mystic, perhaps best known as a major influence behind Eckhardt Tolle.   Long has a soothing voice, with straight forward methods of removing thoughts.  This meditation is from a youtube video Start Meditating Now by Barry Long, originally 36.51 minutes, after listening once or twice, feel free to fast forward to 6:24 minutes (or 10:24) depending on how much pre-instruction you want.   You can listen at your computer or transfer it to an MP3 player to listen to in bed or during meditation. 

 

I encourage people to give this a try.  This is a great experiential meditation, with imo important lessons.  Like many mystics, Long sees thoughts as addictions, once we get away from habitual 'junk' thoughts, we get more instep with reality.    Generally a good thing.

 

Meditation_guided_Barry_Long_1.mp3

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB_S4jLJ3KI&list=PLmOtSswGcXa4bmB2BiYbZMsO0CM9w_OsY

 

 

On 12/30/2017 at 1:46 PM, thelerner said:

Next week, Monday January 1st, I'm thinking a new Guided meditation for people to listen to and write about and discuss.  Less a learning experience like the previous one rather for simple enjoyment.  Hypnosis for Happiness and Contentment by Kim Walsh.  She has a beautiful lilting voice.  The audio is about 23 minutes long.   Once you get into you can start it around minute 6 as I recall. 

 

Here is a link to the youtube version- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veETG-PczWk

A link to it as an mp3 below.  Nice to put it onto your phone or mp3 player for morning listening.

Hypno_for_happiness_and_contentment_1.mp3

 

A classic pleasant relaxing hypnotic reading.   One with more bells and whistles then the previous.  I encourage people to give this one a try or one of her other audios.

 

[Limahong]

On 6/19/2018 at 8:27 AM, Mig said:

Just wondering about what people have done or doing on a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety and depression.

 

Hi Mig,

 

I had gone into depression myself and I came out of it a better person because of those who truly loved/love me.

 

From my own experiential perspective these are pertinent...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Proper medication is important during depression and having a human/humane physician is godsend.

 

I am freed of medication now that I am out of depression. Why?

 

When I was in it, a friend repeatedly depressed these into my soul - sunshine and rain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a spiritual dimension to my experience with depression. I snapped out of it the moment I wished Buddha well on that Vesak Day.

 

 

 

 

 

How do you deal with that type of person in a (loving) relationship?

 

 

 

 

 

- LimA

[Fa Xin]

Yes, as Karen said earlier, communication is key. Good luck

[Limahong]

On 6/19/2018 at 8:27 AM, Mig said:

...

 

...

 

 

- LimA

[Mig]

4 hours ago, Fa Xin said:

Yes, as Karen said earlier, communication is key. Good luck

 

Indeed, it is true that communication is important however just the term is pretty broad and it can lead to misinterpretations. In this case having communication can be possible when the person feels better and always try to find the best time to talk which is very difficult. The person involved in helping out needs more than communication.

[Kar3n]

8 minutes ago, Mig said:

 

Indeed, it is true that communication is important however just the term is pretty broad and it can lead to misinterpretations. In this case having communication can be possible when the person feels better and always try to find the best time to talk which is very difficult. The person involved in helping out needs more than communication.

Communication is not always conversation. I know that some of the best bonding moments I've had with my husband were silent snuggled in his lap on the couch. It can be massage, it can be a reassuring smile or blowing a kiss from across the room, a hug, sharing a fond memory or just a simple wink. 

 

Reassurance that you are there, that you are available and tuned in will go a long way for both of you.

 

I do not have the answers I just know what has worked to help me and my husband to heal and to reconnect after my depression.

[Limahong]

29 minutes ago, Mig said:

The person involved in helping out needs more than communication

 

Hi Mig,

 

When I was down, it was very difficult to communicate with me.

 

I shut down everybody and I knew I was hurting most the person I love most.

 

Words meant nothing to me - they were jarring especially when there were repeated telecasts.

 

Looking back now - being there for me silently was all I needed.

 

At that time - I needed silence and peace to find myself back.

 

The spiritual dimension was/is very important to me.

 

Have patience my friend.

 

- LimA

[Fa Xin]

40 minutes ago, Mig said:

 

Indeed, it is true that communication is important however just the term is pretty broad and it can lead to misinterpretations. In this case having communication can be possible when the person feels better and always try to find the best time to talk which is very difficult. The person involved in helping out needs more than communication.

 

Yes it is very hard to communicate with someone who is in a dark place. 

 

Shine your light on them the best way you know how - make them laugh, share your positive energy with them. Smile and be upbeat. It will start to affect them in a positive way,  sometimes subconsciously, but it is infectious. Hell... It can’t hurt.

 

It will also go a long way to help you not fall down into the depths with them.  Very easy to get pulled down, with someone you love. Be their support. If they need space, give them time alone. You both will get thru this. 

[Limahong]

53 minutes ago, Kar3n said:

Communication is not always conversation.

 

Hi Kar3n,

 

Very true...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This important...

 

 

 

- LimA

Edited June 21, 2018 by Limahong
Enhance ...

[Mig]

19 hours ago, thelerner said:

When life sucks.. its hard.  Worse we create an invisible hell for ourselves by reliving the experience over and over in our thoughts,  adding stories of greater personal hurt each time.  It's bad enough life sucks, but somehow we carry around a perverse self torturer in our heads.

 

So.. disrupt the torturer.  Recognize it for what it is.  Take a walk, real quietly, feel each foot step, listen to nature.  Or the opposite, listen to music- the blues, or hard rock, or something that resonates.  Here's another things I'll do, listen to guided meditation.  I've got a couple in a thread I started.  Here are some of my favorites for quieting the mind.  Often they help, but not always.  Sometimes we slog through days, swinging on vines of hope, knowing tomorrow's coming and it may be better. 

 

 

Very useful advice and great links. IMHO life never sucks, we suck. I know it is a common expression but we make our lives even more difficult and it is already difficult. Thanks a bunch!!