Dark Night of the Soul

[ilumairen]

On 12/5/2018 at 4:25 PM, SoverMan said:

Then...something shifted. All of a sudden it all felt empty, and dead. I no longer could do yoga or take a class. Everyone felt like they were lying. It all became about making money and a brand and on and on and on. Then my marriage ended, Dad died, went bankrupt, got sick, had a nervous breakdown, my mother became ill and needed care and I Was the one with no family so it felt right to be there for her. I didn't realize coming home would allow me to face all the stuff I ran away from my whole life! I felt helpless to it. I was the metaphysical guy who thought we was above it all. Only to see I am no different. smh...such a cliche huh? Without all the fluff all I am left with is my real fears. Poverty, Death, Loneliness, etc. Things I thought being spiritual would somehow save me from. My naivete crushed me. 

Reading your shares gives me some deeper perspectives on this. Leastwise I don't feel so alone. 

I did find a qigong practice but I've not fully committed myself too it as yet. I've dabbled somewhat but not consistent. But more importantly just embracing it all is a worthy challenge. 
 

I thank you. 

 

Just checking in.

 

How are you in this moment?

 

 

[SoverMan]

41 minutes ago, ilumairen said:

 

Just checking in.

 

How are you in this moment?

 

 

In this moment...I am somewhat numb. As with life at times many aspects begin to fall apart and shift right when I am most vulnerable. I caretake for my ailing mother and she's had some recent diagnosis that aren't so good. I can feel her sadness and also the inevitability of her transition and me being ill prepared emotionally to deal with it. Hence I eat too much sugar, I don't practice my qigong and I watch way too much television to numb out best I can. To give myself and my mother something to look forward to I've got her to be willing to do a cleanse with me beginning tomorrow and try to BEGIN AGAIN so to speak with my personal practice. Thank you very much for being so kind and checking in. There is no one in my life that can understand these kinds of things so it also a lonely time for all of this. 

[ilumairen]

21 hours ago, SoverMan said:

In this moment...I am somewhat numb. As with life at times many aspects begin to fall apart and shift right when I am most vulnerable. I caretake for my ailing mother and she's had some recent diagnosis that aren't so good. I can feel her sadness and also the inevitability of her transition and me being ill prepared emotionally to deal with it. Hence I eat too much sugar, I don't practice my qigong and I watch way too much television to numb out best I can. To give myself and my mother something to look forward to I've got her to be willing to do a cleanse with me beginning tomorrow and try to BEGIN AGAIN so to speak with my personal practice. Thank you very much for being so kind and checking in. There is no one in my life that can understand these kinds of things so it also a lonely time for all of this. 

 

Do you practice (inner) refuge? 

 

[SoverMan]

Refuge? As in meditation? If so...not consistently. I feel something in me broke or shifted. I don't trust myself as I feel I should. Perhaps I don't trust in my practice. It feels like at times....empty inner rhetoric. I don't mean to be negative, just truthful as I try and navigate thru this. 

[ilumairen]

22 hours ago, SoverMan said:

Refuge? As in meditation? If so...not consistently. I feel something in me broke or shifted. I don't trust myself as I feel I should. Perhaps I don't trust in my practice. It feels like at times....empty inner rhetoric. I don't mean to be negative, just truthful as I try and navigate thru this. 

 

Refuge is a break from all the stories. And can be as simple as a brief moment of restorative silence. 

 

[SoverMan]

ahhhh...indeed, a break from the STORIES. I understand. And no...I find myself mostly consumed by the stories. Yet I agree in the benefit of taking a break from them. I will do my best to do so. Just reading it put that way confirms and helps. Thank you. 

[Spotless]

Find the quiet in the wee hours of the morning.

 

Meditation around 3:30 am

 

Find music 

 

Find the flowers

 

Dont imbibe in the bleakness

 

Shower in the Light

 

 

 

 

[WHITEROOMENERGYMINE1]

just not gonna read anything but the first part. Are you stuck there? Why did you start this thread. a lot of people around me are very secretive in public and say absolutely nothing with game. No concept of here. No concept of anywhere. No perception. Are you in this dark place spotless. I mean seriously people have been here for 6 years and cant get through this shit. Watch a movie, depression is not natural. Movies are almost all symbolic of the hero's journey.. Joseph Campbell.. you have to do this stuff alone. no one gets you through this stuff and all teachers literally only talk about vibes and sound creation. they never produce originality, something like instructions regurgitated they never even read. at a certain point all darkness is a reflection of how much you remember and you can lose this is you have no creativity left. i mean memories. this isnt a game no one can save what is inside of you, it doesnt come back if you cant compress and comparmentalize. Mnemonics for non greeks.. not A mind house.. everyone lives in a different house. there isn't enough originality in one blueprint for anyone but an individuation path of not forgetting and only remembering .. get something outside yourself entirely people are imploding and you'll never be able to explode again

[silent thunder]

On 3/15/2019 at 5:45 AM, Spotless said:

Find the quiet in the wee hours of the morning.

 

Meditation around 3:30 am

 

Find music 

 

Find the flowers

 

Dont imbibe in the bleakness

 

Shower in the Light

 

 

 

 

Boy this rings the bell...

some words are just words.

 

and some words ring with presence... like a tuning fork.

your phrasing and manner of sharing often results in sympathetic resonance in awareness.

 

Thanks again for sharing here Spotless.  Deep respect and appreciation.

[SoverMan]

On 3/15/2019 at 8:45 AM, Spotless said:

Find the quiet in the wee hours of the morning.

 

Meditation around 3:30 am

 

Find music 

 

Find the flowers

 

Dont imbibe in the bleakness

 

Shower in the Light

 

 

 

 

Thank you for this. Truly. There is much one can say about this place I am experiencing. A lot of it is learning to just EXPRESS it honestly and own it. I wanted to be willing to be vulnerable and not reject based on 'knowing something wise to say. So again....much gratitude.