just some thoughts on a realtionship Im in and what ive learned

[profounded]

Creative and destructive forces run inherent in nature and also in the woman I love most.    I've been with her for two years and many of you told me to run from the relationship because of the heavy drug addiction that she is involved in.    Well I didn't.

I'm guessing that the point of this post is to make sense of my advancements with being more aligned with the Tao or as I see it.    I'm getting continuous practice in letting go and letting this woman live her forces whether creative or destructive.   Live and Let Live is what they say in Al-Anon.   And its funny.   She comes, she goes.  She is in my life one day, and gone the next, only to return again another day.   And each time this happens, I'm forced to see the path I want to follow, the meaning I define my life path with and then realize I must follow it.     I still welcome her caringly every time she re-enters my life.  She is who she is, and I love her.    

I think the biggest thing I worry about (and funnily she worries about with me) is that she gets pregnant by another man.    Its funny, I worry about this more than I do her dying from drugs.    But I think to myself, why cant my love extend to another mans child?   Why must I put so much definition around a future I would never be able to predict?     

Words are just words and all these ideas and sentences are just meanings attached to something that goes beyond all meanings.   The words just get in the way.

Truthfully what I want to do is die (ego death?) into love and acceptance of her in a way that is selfless and detached.    I want to appreciate her for all she is and be a stable force of love her in her life, yet I find myself angry at times trying to run from the relationship which hurts her making her feel as if I dont love her.    

 

I am me.    I am this observer that watches the reality around me happen.   The reality around us is full of chaos but it seems like a long forgetten memory in someways as the eternal presides in the present moment.   

I've also learned that the feminine energy can only be experienced, not defined.   I feel in my heart that if my love penetrates deep enough and long enough, that my own masculinity would flourish.  I have had no other choice but to excersise masculine characteristics of my being instead of fenimine because the flow of energy demands it and leaves me with no other choice in life.    She has transformed me and has made me desire to be more of a man in order to tame her fierce energies.    So is such.

[Marblehead]

I respect the path you have chosen regarding the woman you love.

 

I would never be able to walk such a path.

 

All that's left is for me to offer my best wishes to the two of you.

 

[Apech]

Hi,

 

Thank you for your story.  I wish you and her well.

 

"Truthfully what I want to do is die (ego death?) into love and acceptance of her in a way that is selfless and detached.    I want to appreciate her for all she is and be a stable force of love her in her life, yet I find myself angry at times trying to run from the relationship which hurts her making her feel as if I dont love her."

 

You've set yourself a very high task - I understand wanting ego-death - but I think that 'wanting' it may be a little self destructive.  Working towards this kind of love means, I think, facing up to one's own vulnerability, which is very tough.  I also think to do this you need to be very careful about your own energy levels and feelings.  Its a cliche to say you can't love another without loving yourself - but then some cliches are true.  I really like the advice to treat yourself as you would someone in your care.  That is attend to your own comforts and needs from time to time so you don't fall into states of low energy and despair.

 

This Shakespearian sonnet came to mind:

 

Let me not to the marriage of true minds 
Admit impediments. Love is not love 
Which alters when it alteration finds, 
Or bends with the remover to remove. 
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark 
That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 
It is the star to every wand'ring bark, 
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle's compass come; 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 
If this be error and upon me prov'd, 
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.