Living in perpetual hell due premature awakening

[uselis]

Hello folks,

 

I have 0 hope but deep down I want escape this for my mother. She suffers so much due to my spiritual quest failure with her own health taking hit and tears taking over. Pethaps somebody will notice this and offer some hope - direction.

 

30 years male living in the middle of nowhere (Lithuania, Eastern Europe). For three years kept celibacy and meditated daily for several hours with premature intention to have Kundalini. Thought it's going to make me better person and those around me. No drugs been involved nor manipulative intentions to use energy for evil purposes. 

 

Did mostly Vippasana and concentration practices.

 

One month ago I had erection and massive amount of energy flooded to my head. Since then every day became proggresively worse to the point that currently:

 

Living in perpetual state that is mix of fear, anxiety, terror, suicidal deppresion. I call it agony which at times so intense. No positive feelings, no pleasure from anything. Can't do much physical activity yet staying stationary so unbearable as I feel energy is ripping me apart. 

 

Cognitive abilities going down each day. I can't read, watch or even have conversation for long time. No concentration nor ability to understand. 

 

I am becoming monster. By that I mean that it feels like only body left which concerned about food only and survival in general. No person inside left. Anytime I can cry (which is rare) I welcome it. It makes me feel like human again. I hug my mom yet I feel nothing.

 

Can't sleep without strong pills and even with those it's 5h.

 

My nervous system can't handle anything.

 

Mostly I feel energy as a hot discomfort in my head yet I can't bring it down.

 

Visited psychiatric which suspect psychosis yet I don't see anything or hear voices. I don't behave irrationally but I can't function being gripped by this energy. Other psychiatric diagnosed me depressed and gave SSRI's and anti anxiety pills.

 

Worst part my family don't believe in Kundalini or whatever I have here.

 

Guys, I am so desperate and I keep thinking that there is only way out. I don't want to expierence this walking dead life. I told my thoughts to psychiatrist and my family. I don't hide anything cause I am desperate for help yet any meds I've been given makes me suffer more.

 

Did I put myself in permanent hell state and nothing will help now? 

 

 

[Zen Pig]

19 minutes ago, uselis said:

Living in perpetual state that is mix of fear, anxiety, terror, suicidal deppresion. I call it agony which at times so intense. No positive feelings, no pleasure from anything. Can't do much physical activity yet staying stationary so unbearable as I feel energy is ripping me apart. 

Welcome to DB.  sorry to hear about what is happening to you.

First of all,  what you are going through is not rare.  I have known several people who got the kundalini energy going, and had everything from massive migraine headaches to all kinds of negative experiences.

Not an expert in kundalini but have had some kundalini crea experiences, and was fortunate to have non harmful ones.

It almost sounds like what in zen we call "meditation sickness"  which is a form of this kind of energy.

I found that going outside, working in a garden. walking in the wilderness, touching the earth, the trees, helps center oneself,  and kind of helps ground out the energy.

If this does not help, maybe a very good acupuncturist can help balancing your energy.

Our family has a good acupuncturist who has done wonders for our kids and my wife on many issues.  and they know how to feel where energy is blocked,  and help restore the circulation.

hope you feel better soon. 

[Taoist Texts]

56 minutes ago, uselis said:

there is only way out.

yes. fasting

[rideforever]

Stop doing Vipassana, you do it incorrectly.   
Just sit feel body do nothing at all.
Go to work, work physically.
Be normal, like any animal on planet, walking talking eating shitting, okay.
Awakening is not self-punishment, needs intelligence and love.
Read the life stories of famous teachers.   
Not their teaching, but their life story.
Do positive things, stroke dog, help at horse farm.
 

[uselis]

Hey,

 

thanks for reply but is beyond take a walk, do gardening or be engaged.

 

I was healthy guy going for daily walks. This now looks and feels like disease/ilness. I can walk a bit but I feel so much agony, no pleasure, disorientation, etc. Plus quickly become exhausted. I can't express what kind of torture I am undergoing.

 

Stopped meditations except Metta that relieved me in the beginning but now does nothing.

 

It looks like I am detoriating daily mentally, physically and emotionally. 

 

Didn't try fasting as I go too long without food adrenaline keeps flooding system. 

 

Can't function properly. Almost as if I'd be mentally disabled from this energy. I am unable work and my mom watches over me currently.

[wandelaar]

This is an important subject! Personally I prefer keeping a middle road in my practices, so I didn't deeply study the possible dangers of extreme forms of meditation and/or chi gong. But as more and more Bums report about what went wrong in their own practice I think it is time to research "meditation sickness" and related deviations. I will open a special topic about it.

 

Edited January 5, 2019 by wandelaar

[Jeff]

1 hour ago, uselis said:

Hello folks,

 

I have 0 hope but deep down I want escape this for my mother. She suffers so much due to my spiritual quest failure with her own health taking hit and tears taking over. Pethaps somebody will notice this and offer some hope - direction.

 

30 years male living in the middle of nowhere (Lithuania, Eastern Europe). For three years kept celibacy and meditated daily for several hours with premature intention to have Kundalini. Thought it's going to make me better person and those around me. No drugs been involved nor manipulative intentions to use energy for evil purposes. 

 

Did mostly Vippasana and concentration practices.

 

One month ago I had erection and massive amount of energy flooded to my head. Since then every day became proggresively worse to the point that currently:

 

Living in perpetual state that is mix of fear, anxiety, terror, suicidal deppresion. I call it agony which at times so intense. No positive feelings, no pleasure from anything. Can't do much physical activity yet staying stationary so unbearable as I feel energy is ripping me apart. 

 

Cognitive abilities going down each day. I can't read, watch or even have conversation for long time. No concentration nor ability to understand. 

 

I am becoming monster. By that I mean that it feels like only body left which concerned about food only and survival in general. No person inside left. Anytime I can cry (which is rare) I welcome it. It makes me feel like human again. I hug my mom yet I feel nothing.

 

Can't sleep without strong pills and even with those it's 5h.

 

My nervous system can't handle anything.

 

Mostly I feel energy as a hot discomfort in my head yet I can't bring it down.

 

Visited psychiatric which suspect psychosis yet I don't see anything or hear voices. I don't behave irrationally but I can't function being gripped by this energy. Other psychiatric diagnosed me depressed and gave SSRI's and anti anxiety pills.

 

Worst part my family don't believe in Kundalini or whatever I have here.

 

Guys, I am so desperate and I keep thinking that there is only way out. I don't want to expierence this walking dead life. I told my thoughts to psychiatrist and my family. I don't hide anything cause I am desperate for help yet any meds I've been given makes me suffer more.

 

Did I put myself in permanent hell state and nothing will help now? 

 

 

 

Hi Uselis,

 

Your situation is that you have had an opening at the heart, but sort of like stuck in a highly receptive mode related to energy around you. Kind of like you are taking stuff in, but not releasing it back out. It is sort of like it is overwhelming your system and spilling over into your mind.  In Taoist terms, it is a lack of balance of being too much yin, and not enough yang. The easiest way to help is working with another person (or being) that can go more receptive/yin than you while connected to you energetically.  That will cause you to naturally go more yang to balance the connection, which will allow you to mentally sort of let some stuff go and relearn to balance more. In more normal mind descriptions, it is about not hanging on so tight and just letting things go and pass through.

 

Feel free to ask any questions.

 

Best,

Jeff

[Apech]

Hi Uselis,

 

Just a few thoughts.

 

It seems like you have had a disorientating energy experience and that this has occurred because you have done intense practice without first laying the foundations for this.  You are not alone.  Many people come on here having experienced something of this nature.  And it is not permanent - but you need to convince yourself of this.  I suspect the intensity of the energy is making it hard for you to assess yourself and your situation.  You need to ground or earth the energy, calm down a little bit and reassess.

 

You say you can't do practical things - like gardening - and ironically this is the kind of thing that might help.  Simple practical tasks which might help you redirect your attention from your internal state.  I would recommend that you make yourself do something like this at first for half and hour or so everyday.  Or if not go for a short walk and make it longer each day - something like that.

 

You could also try just standing still for as many minutes that you can manage and consciously relaxing the body - then think that surplus energy is draining out of your body into the earth through the soles of your feet.

 

If you can find someone local who knows about K. then even better.

 

Best wishes

 

A.

 

 

[rideforever]

1 hour ago, uselis said:

 

Where did you learn Vipassana ?
And were you doing Kundalini practices at the same time ?

Best to just chillout, and watch funny movies.   Happened to me several times like this, always think it's really bad, two weeks later laughing a lot.   No explanation !

[ilumairen]

4 hours ago, Taoist Texts said:

yes. fasting

 

No.

[Pilgrim]

Blocked channels. Something very similar happened to me over a decade ago now. 

 

Do this 

 

 

This is a great teacher and this technique should balance your 3 major channels and help. Best wishes. Eat heavier meals. 

 

[Wu Ming Jen]

To achieve the heavenly one must first master the physical world.

 

Hard physical work is needed. the material life and spiritual life always needs to be in balance Trying to archive great spiritual levels and ignoring the material life has caused a great deal of pain.

 

Abandon all methods and achieve nothing, give it all up. there is nothing to achieve. When the achievement is forced life is a waste land and the spiritual flower dies. Toooo much heavenly energy without its partner earthly energy is a very weak and a sick force, not worth a penny.

[Zen Pig]

2 hours ago, Wu Ming Jen said:

Toooo much heavenly energy without its partner earthly energy is a very weak and a sick force, not worth a penny.

well said

[Eden]

what is your diet like? for me diet has a huge affect on awakening and kundalini... maybe you need a diet shift to tone things tone to manageable level 

[Spotless]

12 hours ago, Taoist Texts said:

yes. fasting

Could not agree more!

[ilumairen]

11 minutes ago, Spotless said:

Could not agree more!

 

Without asking any questions about the medication(s) prescribed, and directions regarding said medications?

[Spotless]

A straight water fast from 6-10 days 

would be very helpful in re-setting your dials to natural essence.

Edited January 6, 2019 by Spotless

[ilumairen]

2 minutes ago, Spotless said:

A straight water fast from 6-10 days 

would be very helpful is re-setting you dials to natural essence.

 

Quitting SSRI's can cause some of the symptoms the OP is experiencing. We don't know what was prescribed, and if he is taking what was prescribed, or if he quit. Or if the medications he's prescribed are to be taken with food. Or what effect taking them while fasting may have..

 

[uselis]

14 hours ago, Jeff said:

 

Hi Uselis,

 

Your situation is that you have had an opening at the heart, but sort of like stuck in a highly receptive mode related to energy around you. Kind of like you are taking stuff in, but not releasing it back out. It is sort of like it is overwhelming your system and spilling over into your mind.  In Taoist terms, it is a lack of balance of being too much yin, and not enough yang. The easiest way to help is working with another person (or being) that can go more receptive/yin than you while connected to you energetically.  That will cause you to naturally go more yang to balance the connection, which will allow you to mentally sort of let some stuff go and relearn to balance more. In more normal mind descriptions, it is about not hanging on so tight and just letting things go and pass through.

 

Feel free to ask any questions.

 

Best,

Jeff

Hey,

 

problem is I live in place where not so much people who could help me with this are around.

 

By letting things pass through that's what I do but each day is getting worse.

 

Yestersay my mom gave me cold wet towel to put on my head as discomfort in my head was unbearable. Felt like I am going nuts. That happens now every evening.

 

I barely go outcnow due such disorientation.

 

It's a long shot but perhaps you have ability and time to help me?

[uselis]

6 hours ago, Zen Pig said:

well said

 

9 hours ago, Pilgrim said:

Blocked channels. Something very similar happened to me over a decade ago now. 

 

Do this 

 

 

This is a great teacher and this technique should balance your 3 major channels and help. Best wishes. Eat heavier meals. 

 

Can you share how similar you had? I wonder how bad my situation is. For several days I did Qigong spring forest beginners stuff starting with bouncing/tapping, moving ying and yang but haven't noticr big difference.

[uselis]

9 hours ago, Wu Ming Jen said:

To achieve the heavenly one must first master the physical world.

 

Hard physical work is needed. the material life and spiritual life always needs to be in balance Trying to archive great spiritual levels and ignoring the material life has caused a great deal of pain.

 

Abandon all methods and achieve nothing, give it all up. there is nothing to achieve. When the achievement is forced life is a waste land and the spiritual flower dies. Toooo much heavenly energy without its partner earthly energy is a very weak and a sick force, not worth a penny.

Wholeheartedly agree butvmy body took a toll also. I can't do much physical stuff before quickly getting exhausted. Something with adrenals it seems.

[uselis]

13 hours ago, rideforever said:

 

Where did you learn Vipassana ?
And were you doing Kundalini practices at the same time ?

Best to just chillout, and watch funny movies.   Happened to me several times like this, always think it's really bad, two weeks later laughing a lot.   No explanation !

Both it seems. Learnt Vippasana on my own and just "observed mind activities". My condition is so bad that I can't watch anything impossible to focus. Keep getting swallowed in my head and this psychological pressure alike state. I can't laugh anymore it's downright impossible to smile.

[Pilgrim]

When I was 37 / 38 years old I decided that since I could not connect to a Kriya Yoga Lineage I trusted that it would be best to practice Za-Zen. I found a teacher and traveled every Sunday an hour each way to learn from him.

 

In private I sat daily. Like yourself erections unwanted and unbelievably strong. They were so ridiculous I videoed myself sitting to see what was going on. I swear I looked like a corpse while this was happening. Energy ripping through my spine and my body. De- personalization with my life, lack of feeling for anything and anyone.

 

Unlike you however my energetic event nearly left me crippled I had to walk with a cane and doctors forbid me from lifting anything over 15 lbs. MRI's showed advanced arthritis in each and every one of my facet joints ogf my spine. Even worse I had only been at my new job for a few months.

 

I asked the doctors if electrocution would cause this and they agreed but it would take a very large exposure like being struck by lightening or an un-breakered DC energy system as AC electric does not damage people in this fashion and was asked if something like this had occurred.

 

I replied no it had not but knew I had hurt myself.

 

It took 4 years before I was pain free and today there is no evidence of the Swollen supposed Arthritic facet joints and I can most certainly carry hundreds of pounds without issues.

 

I feel very sympathetic towards you.

 

The energy as English lacks better words is not just energy it is emotion it is thought it is solidified things from many lives shaken loose.

 

What you need to know is it will pass and everything is going to be ok. You are going to be ok.  Develop a strong mental attitude that this is so because I have told you so as I like you have been in very bad places. If I can make it you can make it. Others have made it and you will also.

 

You have encountered something that has always been part of you but you are not familiar with it and changes are hard. You will adapt. The way to adapt is to find a way to love where you find yourself in each moment. The past you is gone and it is ok.

 

Once upon a time you were a lad a child now you are an adult where did the child go?  The difference is that was gradual and this is abrupt.

 

Do be loving to your Mother fake it if you have to at first and seek that spark of love for her that is really there it is just obscured right now. Right now things are just confusing. Your life is still present and you will pick it up and continue. This is a phase and it may last longer than you might want but you will outgrow it.

 

After a four year period I was visited by Lahiri Mahasaya and returned to Kriya Yoga. That is a story for another time but all has been well since even thought the changes in my life have been stupendous in a very short period of time since then. The last 7 years have been something else and all for the better with some big stuff in between.

[Eden]

water fasting is known to help with opening of chi channels, alternating eating and just periods of emptiness... I think this is why the Buddhist monks eat one meal a day at noon, to help the chi channels open and clear. 

Other things ive observed in my own body in regards to kundalini/awakening, sugar and simple carbs exacerbates it beyond a manageable point, it can lead to symptoms like that electric feeling in the body and the nervous system in overdrive and nerves getting worn out and the chi channels getting worn down, very depleting to the Jing/Ojas .  So are you eating lots of sugar and simple carbs? What are you eating? Fats and minerals are also very helpful and soothing to the nervous system, the way fats metabolize is very different than sugar/carbs and doesnt amplify the kundalini, it can help tone it down and bring balance. If you are going to eat carbs , slower releasing, slow glycemic carbs are probably better. 
Also idk if you are vegan, I was vegan for many years, and only recently introduced some meat into my diet, and even though I find meat sort of gross, a little bit does have an effect of dampening the energy so its not just ripping through your system causing all sorts of unpleasant symptoms. Meat is also known as a jing building food in Traditional Chinese Medicine, its nutritional potential is transformed directly into post-natal jing which can add support or stability during intense periods of awakening... 

you arent just chugging soda and eating candy all day are you? 

Correcting your diet and also having the right forms of exercise are about all you need on the body end of things.If your system is in a weakened state, then long gentle walks or some dancing or gardening... I would recommend against yoga asanas or things that will amplify the energy flow.

Your mind is also the real culprit to any energetic disturbances cause kundalini/energy/chi is nothing but just unconscious/subconscious layers of mind activity...  I recommend learning how to relax into your Hara, relaxing your breathing into your Hara, your lower belly area, and relaxing your mind from your head region into your lower belly region... Our mind can get super zoomed into all this mental stuff , disturbing mental states and thoughts and emotional stories happening in our head region, the Chi pools in the head and leads to unpleasant symptoms. You can help the bring the energy out of head by just feeling your belly with feeling awareness, bringing attention to your belly, and breathing into this area. Your Chi can be directed by attention and by aiming attention in this area, and feeling your belly and feeling any tightness in your belly, and bringing it to the surface will help it open back up. Your breathing is a very good source of healing chi, and the Hara is a good battery. But there is alot of suppressed material that we store in that area, and in the Heart region as well.. alot of tension. But feeling it and bringing it to the surface and not shying away from it... just touching on the belly area or heart area many times in a minute, will help move the chi in these areas... 

Trust me that if you can get your belly and heart to relax, your mind will just naturally begin resonating with your relaxed heart and relaxed belly and become relaxed too, your breathing will calm down and become very nourishing. Its inner work, learning how to systematically relax your whole body and unconscious. 

[uselis]

2 hours ago, Pilgrim said:

When I was 37 / 38 years old I decided that since I could not connect to a Kriya Yoga Lineage I trusted that it would be best to practice Za-Zen. I found a teacher and traveled every Sunday an hour each way to learn from him.

 

In private I sat daily. Like yourself erections unwanted and unbelievably strong. They were so ridiculous I videoed myself sitting to see what was going on. I swear I looked like a corpse while this was happening. Energy ripping through my spine and my body. De- personalization with my life, lack of feeling for anything and anyone.

 

Unlike you however my energetic event nearly left me crippled I had to walk with a cane and doctors forbid me from lifting anything over 15 lbs. MRI's showed advanced arthritis in each and every one of my facet joints ogf my spine. Even worse I had only been at my new job for a few months.

 

I asked the doctors if electrocution would cause this and they agreed but it would take a very large exposure like being struck by lightening or an un-breakered DC energy system as AC electric does not damage people in this fashion and was asked if something like this had occurred.

 

I replied no it had not but knew I had hurt myself.

 

It took 4 years before I was pain free and today there is no evidence of the Swollen supposed Arthritic facet joints and I can most certainly carry hundreds of pounds without issues.

 

I feel very sympathetic towards you.

 

The energy as English lacks better words is not just energy it is emotion it is thought it is solidified things from many lives shaken loose.

 

What you need to know is it will pass and everything is going to be ok. You are going to be ok.  Develop a strong mental attitude that this is so because I have told you so as I like you have been in very bad places. If I can make it you can make it. Others have made it and you will also.

 

You have encountered something that has always been part of you but you are not familiar with it and changes are hard. You will adapt. The way to adapt is to find a way to love where you find yourself in each moment. The past you is gone and it is ok.

 

Once upon a time you were a lad a child now you are an adult where did the child go?  The difference is that was gradual and this is abrupt.

 

Do be loving to your Mother fake it if you have to at first and seek that spark of love for her that is really there it is just obscured right now. Right now things are just confusing. Your life is still present and you will pick it up and continue. This is a phase and it may last longer than you might want but you will outgrow it.

 

After a four year period I was visited by Lahiri Mahasaya and returned to Kriya Yoga. That is a story for another time but all has been well since even thought the changes in my life have been stupendous in a very short period of time since then. The last 7 years have been something else and all for the better with some big stuff in between.

Thank your for support,

 

That feels like really difficult experience you undergone. Glad you recovered. Quite inspiring story!

 

It did feel like I've been lightened or touched by too much electricity. Everything you wrote makes sense and of course I am trying but this is so strong on my brain each day now feels like it's to much for it. 

 

I don't see hallucinations, hear voices or speak irrationally but pressure in my brain made me to consider just going to psych ward. I took anti anxiety pills before but they just severely slows me down yet I still feel physical presence of pressure in brain that creates extreme fear - terror like experience each minute.

 

That's why I am afraid because from day it happened to me it just going worse up to a point where I have 0 relief in my whole day until sleeping pills knocks me out for several hours.

 

My mom wants to scan my brain but it's something else. Living in the middle of nowhere I'll just be treated accordingly if I eventually visit mental hospital. 

 

Thank you for sharing your story.